It was a rainy day as all the days have been this last week. I couldn't see much though. I was locked in my room and wasn't allowed to go anywhere else for the time being. Now the word "room" may be delusional because it was a space 3x3, with only one small window, a single bed and an almost always locked door. The walls were grey very much reminding me of prison. I was lying on my bed totally wet because of the sweat. Pain was almost unbearable, I couldn't even sleep. I couldn't do anything, apart from lying there, asking for help, for that little white pill, my narcotic. Yes, welcome back to Mayfield.
She could be right, maybe I don't want to change. Change... that word will be haunting me for the rest of my life. All these years it's the only thing everybody's asking from me. That's who I am now. Either take it or give it back. They keep saying that the surgery to my leg changed me, that I am a different person since then. They could be right, but what if the person who I am now, have always been? That this procedure enabled my true self come to life? That I have always been this cranky, miserable doctor who the only thing that wants is to belong somewhere and be happy.
Oh! His leg hurt him so he turned to his left side now facing the wall. Of course I would never admit that loud. I'm also having hard time admitting that to myself. That I only want to be accepted -or damn me, but also be... be loved too- for who I am. And now I'm here again. Why had I been here in the first place? Oh, yes. To "change". I had been delusional, I couldn't separate dream from reality, I lived my life as I wanted it to be, and for one moment I dared to hope that I would be happy again. Then I lost my mind, my sanity which were the only things that had been left of me. Okay, maybe I overreacted with the vicodin, but where were my "friends"? Where was she when I was alone and in pain? She should have seen the signs, she should have noticed. Am I been irrational again? She's not my nanny, she's not my mother, I'm not her responsibility -only at work-. But why I wanted her so badly to see this? I wanted her to be my savior, maybe all this was a subconscious final act to get her attention..
After the night we kissed, I went to her place to ask her out. I had raised my hand to knock but then I saw her and froze. She was sitting on the couch, reading a book and drinking -tea probably- from a light green cup. She was so beautiful. That moment I thought I didn't deserve her, not yet at least. I thought I had to change and be more like the man she needs... and she would love. She wanted to be a mother and surely I didn't fit in her plans. I couldn't be someone else and live with her the american dream. A big happy family, a big house with a white fence and a dog. I wasn't even willing to try; that means that I didn't love her?
Love. It had been an empty word for me, but then I could see she is the only person that could make me find its meaning. But circumstances changed and she adopted a child. She has a baby.. He stated this bitterly and with sarcasm said: She's a mother. And laughed. Oh, I'm pathetic. I fear of that little creature. She deserves her, she would be a great mother and have the family I can't provide her. At least I tried to show her that I care very much about her. I've also given her her old desk. And what did she do? Nothing. Not even a "thank you, House". But what did I expect? That she would jump in my arms and forget about everything else?
Yes, I hoped for that. But she didn't seem to notice. Maybe she wanted to show that she didn't care. Then why had she "camped" in my office? What made her change her mind? Or maybe she wanted to tell me that the past is past and nothing can change. Change... here's that word again. Everything is about changing. So here I am, to Mayfield. The place where I finally detoxicated and found a part of myself. I went back trying to be a little bit different, with no vicodin.
I realised that I didn't need them, not to solve cases at least -even though they had become a part of myself-. I dare say I became more human. And what did I get back in return? Disbelief, indifference.. They didn't believe that I managed to change or that I was trying to, to be a better person. They didn't treat me the same. It was worse.
She lied to me, she had a new boyfriend -Lucas- and told him everything that happened between us, all about the hallucination, every personal detail. She tricked me, she acted like she doesn't recognise me anymore. Like I am a stranger. After all these years... She cracked me, she smashed me, she didn't trust me.. I changed not only for me but for her too. I dared to hope that she will forgive me, trust me.. love me. But no...no... Although she was the one who wanted this change, she didn't accept me. No... no... She turned me down.
House's body starts trembling and he tried to hold back a single tear that rolled down his cheek. Why? And with his right fist he hit the wall. Pain released and made him hide his face on the pillow so as not to scream.. because of the pain, the anger.. not to scream her name.
But this time... this time will be different.. Because I won't change.
…...
Days passed quickly and was showing everyone around that he was a different person. Someone that didn't belong there and could soon be released. His doctors were amazed by his progress, thinking he had been taking his medication – the same male nurse was giving them to him every morning with a face that said: I don't want to be here, I don't care, I hope you die- and was always quiet.
One day he saw Lydia with her car bringing a cello with her. He immediately recognised the day and thought of Freedom Master. He believed that this was necessary to happen in order his release to be progressed. He knew how this was going to end, that superboy was going to get hurt. But decided for once to let the events flow as his wound would make Lydia's sister in law talk again. Afterwards she would be released and then was his turn. So after taking the car from Lydia he and Freedom Master headed together to funfair. After they finished their ride -everything was going exactly like last time- they went to pick up the car.
House went to the car and saw "Clark Kent" approaching the edge of the balcony. He saw him absently looking around him.
Maybe I shouldn't let him do it
Freedom Master was slowly opening his arms like he was surrendering to the world beside him.
No, I can't. I'll stop him.
He tried to take a step forwards.
Let him do it.
A woman's voice interfered his thoughts; Amber.
I wasn't thinking clearly, he should stop.
Why do you care? He'll jump, but he will be fine. You remembered how it went the last time. And then he will give that girl her voice back.
Yes, but... he started thinking about it.
In the meantime he saw superboy leaning his head back.
Why am I having second thoughts?
Freedom Master closed his eyes.
Wasn't that my plan from the beginning?
A smile formed on our hero's face.
He's smiling, he believes it.
Steven then said "Thank you Greg".
No! House screamed.
Stay. Amber whispered.
And suddenly his body froze. His mind was screaming to go and catch him, but his body didn't comply. For some reason Amber's word was keeping him behind. His eyes were glued to Steven's angelic face. He was so innocent and happy that moment because he believed..
Like in a slow motion House saw Steven's whole body bend and white wings slowly growing on his back. It was like watching the transformation of a cocoon into a butterfly, like witnessing the birth of an angel. The wings spread wide open under the flaming sun. And then it happened. His feet left the ground, his body standing still like floating in the air. It lasted less than a moment. During that time, earth stood still. He was flying...
But this fragile dream finally broke. With his head down, he was coming closer to the ground, closer to the core of the earth. His wings couldn't stop the fall and so they wrapped around him, trying to protect this precious soul; not the body. In the blink of an eye he was gone. Freedom Master was for once in his life free, but then trapped again between nature's laws and flesh restrictions.
House knew how this would end. This time he could tell that something was different. He approached the edge of the balcony and looked down. There he was; a hero with broken wings. He was critically injured -House knew that- and he could see the already blood covered street. But something wasn't right. All this blood... was coming from the back of his head. His eyes are open but they can't see; not anymore.
No.. House whispered. He turned towards Amber.
Why is it different now? Why he seems to be... You told me it would be like the last time.
I guess I was wrong. Amber said with a devish smile and then vanished in front of his eyes.
Leaving House alone, with a young child sleeping the eternal sleep.
…...
He was sitting in the hallway outside Steven's room while keeping on his hands his bloody t-shirt. Nolan soon approached him.
Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly, with this guy, you decided to reinforce a dead man's delusions. You just wanted to take a swing at me, hmm? You don't care about getting out. You didn't care about him. You don't even care about the truth. You don't care about anything House.
And now look at the cost of it. The death of an innocent young man. A man who needed help. You just wanted to accomplish your own egotistical purposes. Well, let me inform you something. It's not everything about you House. The world doesn't revolve around you. Look what your actions just caused. You killed him House. His presence will haunt you for the rest of your life. His eyes will be watching your every step. His voice will be echoing in your mind and his sight will be filling your dreams.
No.. House all this time stood there barely acknowledging his surroundings. No, he said aloud this time. I didn't mean to..
You're a killer.
No! House yelled. You don't understand! She told me he would be fine. It supposed to be like the last time. He wasn't supposed to.. to die. It would be like the last time.
House's eyes were red, his voice was trembling and his hands were shaking. Soon his whole body started shaking violently.
What are you talking about? Who's she?
Nolan was angry and confused and when he looked straight on House's eyes he felt a hint of fear.
There she is...
House looked somewhere beside Nolan.
She's there, leaning on the wall, she's smiling.
Nolan turned but couldn't see anyone.
You're insane.
No... House screamed. She's there. Can't you see her? She's there. She told me everything was going to be okay, that everything was going to be like last time.
He finally stared at Nolan.
You don't believe me? He tried to catch Nolan. You don't believe me? She's there! You have to believe me. She's there!
He had grabbed Nolan's arms and was shaking him.
Security! Nolan managed to free himself from House's grip and took a few steps away. Lock him now!
House was now out of control. He was trying desperately to escape. She's there! Turn around and see her, she's smiling. House was yelling at the top of his lungs, as he was being carried away. She's there!
…...
Dr. Nolan obviously shaking sat behind his desk on his office. The door then opened and revealed a female doctor.
We searched Dr. House's room and we found these.
And she showed Nolan a few white pills. They were vicodin.
His nurse confessed that he was the one giving them to him, as Dr. House had promised to pay him a great deal of money. But after today's events he got scared.
Dr. Nolan sighed and rubbed his forehead remaining silent.
…...
House was in isolation. A tiny room with white walls and no windows. He was sitting on the floor wearing a straitjacket. He had cried. He leaned his head down to his chest and screamed.
No!...
That scream echoed in the empty room. It broke the silence and it was like breaking a vow. A vow made between heaven and hell to leave him alone for the time being. A vow that was made silently by all the human beings, nature and all the non-living things. A vow of silence and deep grief.
Today is the day the world lost another member. And he was a good one. He wasn't a lost soul because he mattered to someone. Someone will miss him, someone will cry for him and one won't be able to live without him. And that one today, was Gregory House.
No.. With much pain he let the word escape his lips. He was tired, so tired that he wasn't even able to open his eyes. His body numb and his heart was aching. Time goes fast, so slowly.. He tried to -to do what- remember? His father, Cuddy, Freedom Master, Amber.. Wilson. What was going on? It was all a game. A real one? So he still is...
No, he muttered, Wilson.
One more time he tried to wake up. He managed to crack open his eyes, just for a little bit, only to recognise that was in his office back in Princeton. He took notice of a dump light and a female presence. But he wasn't sure, everything was mostly a blur. Soon he drifted back to sleep. A sleep with no dreams..
After some hours -which seemed like centuries to him- he woke up. The blinds were still closed, but he could tell that a new day had come. He felt it in the air, on his surroundings. Slowly and -as far as he could- steadily he reached the door to his balcony and got out in the fresh air.
It was quite chilly outside and wet too, as the sun hadn't risen yet. With so much dark outside he couldn't even see beyond his own hand. It is better this way, nobody needs to see me in this mess. He was still vulnerable and confused after his dream, but most of all scared because he himself felt fear. Frightened by his own feelings. He couldn't tell if everything was real or not, he was afraid he was losing his mind again and now he wouldn't have neither Wilson nor Cuddy to help him. He didn't want to go back to Mayfield, because this time he would stay there forever. Locked in a room, helpless, unable to feel and live.
He felt like he was drowning in a dark sea and sinking in the most deep abyss while the red sky above him was ready to punish him if he ever escaped. And now with open arms, a tired and useless mind, but with a closed heart he was coming slowly towards the bottom. He didn't feel like he was supposed to,he didn't struggle for air, he was just floating.. Underwater.
-House, he heard a voice calling his name.
With a deep breath he opened his eyes. He was holding on tight at the edge of the balcony, like he was ready to jump. A shy razor of light illuminated his face as miles in front of him the flaming sun rose to his throne. Whoever said it, was right. The darkest time of the night is before sunrise. For one more time I let myself to the mercy of my dreams and my -cripple now- mind. And with those thoughts he went back inside his office.
Welcome back.
Leave me alone. Either you're another dream or a hallucination I don't care.
You are afraid, Amber said knowingly.
Maybe, House shot back, but I guess since you are a product of my imagination, you know better.
I can see that. You are so confused I could give you a little explanation. What you experienced earlier was a dream.
Tell me something I don't already know, House said angrily.
But this is a hallucination.
I still don't care, you'll have to try harder. And with that said he started walking towards the door.
It's time for the final stage of the game. You can still win it.
How do you... House stopped dead on his tracks. He remained in that spot silently for a few seconds. Finally without turning back he answered. Never mind, I won't play.
You can't, Amber said with a grin, because you are already playing. You accepted the challenge which means that you accepted the rules as well. And guess what, one of them is that you can't escape.. and she burst into an evil laughter.
House didn't make the slightest move.
Revenge is sweet, Amber said.
After a few minutes she approached his desk.
Come here. Your final challenge is waiting. And with that said she puts a gun on the desk.
House was dumbfounded. He was looking at the gun with a hint of terror in his -cold now- baby blue eyes.
What am I supposed to do with this? Kill myself?
Don't tell me you have never thought about this before? But of course you were a coward. You didn't have the guts to do it yourself and waited for someone or something else to do your dirty little job. You didn't want to be judged, others to consider you weak. You don't want them to pity you, but guess what. Your actions lead them to that. And they pity you not because you are a cripple, but because of what you've become. They pity you because you don't live.
House didn't say anything. His eyes were glued to the gun, so Amber continued.
And now, for once in your pathetic life you have to finish what you have started and face the consequences. You and only you. This is the choice that will define your life. You have to choose between life and death. And this has to be done now. The possible choices are right here, but.. you don't know which one is life and which one is death.
He didn't utter a single word. The distant look on his face indicated that his mind was traveling miles away. She's right you know. You need to take matters into your own hands. What's keeping you here? Wilson is dead, Cuddy seems to have forgotten you. She has moved on and living her life. So, what's keeping you here? Who cares about you here?
Yes, what's keeping me here? He whispered. He looked up at Amber.
Either end it or live it.
These were her only words. He gave his attention back to the center of his desk. His hand brushed slightly the gun. It was so cold.. So that would be the end of Gregory House, a brilliant doctor who solved puzzles -and thus saving lives- and a jackass. How can I be so different? What if.. what if I changed? I still have time. What if I hadn't had that accident with my leg? What if she loved me? What if Wilson hadn't died? What if.. what if..
And that is the puzzle the great Gregory House couldn't solve. The one of his own existence.
He grabbed the gun.
And he was floating underwater. Still heading towards the bottom which was still unseen. It was dark. Someone had called his name.
He was approaching the gun to his head. He looked Amber straight in the eyes. They were blank although he thought that for a moment they lit up in excitement.
Do I have to turn now? It's impossible that someone is down here with me. I am hearing voices again.
He put the gun to his temple. One finger on the trigger. The metal was cold in comparison to his burning flesh. I feel death's cold hand sweeping my hot sweat.
Suddenly, I'm feeling so tired. And quite sleepy too. My eyes are closing, I can't keep them open. It starts getting cold in here. I'm shivering.. And with that he curls up in a fetal position. He started drifting on to sleep..
Don't fall asleep! Wake up.
He felt a hand turning him.
What the …
This is the time. It's only me. At the edge of the world I'm standing. And looking all of you. You'll never know me, and I'll never know you. Somewhere out there, is my love. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you, for the one that is to come. I promise you. This is the last time.
I close my eyes.
-Wilson!
Bang!