Chapter Four

Megumi's mother was worried for her, and she knew that.

Despite that, she was always quick to reassure her mother that she was fine. That she came back because she missed her family and friends, and now she just wants to rest. She definitely wasn't lying when she told her mother that. Deep down, however, Megumi knew there was something that was constantly haunting her at the back of her mind. She has a suspicion of what it was, but Megumi convinced herself that if she didn't acknowledge her problem, it would eventually fade away.

If only it was as easy as that. Then she wouldn't even be in this position today.

Mihoko has been away for a few days because of a seminar she had to attend, leaving Megumi unsure of what to do now that she was 'jobless'. Staying at home was not the best option; the plenty of free time she has would eventually fill her mind with thoughts she'd rather not think about.

And while Megumi adored Kazuo and Haruka, it didn't feel right to intrude their restaurant, especially since there are always so many customers around. Megumi admitted that up until today, she has been doing a good job keeping herself low profile. If she were to visit the Fujikawas, it would open up many risks she wasn't ready to face again.

Which meant, naturally, that there was only one last place she could go to; Kinue's bookstore.

Megumi figured that it would be a win-win situation. She will be able to accompany Kinue-san and be in a place where no one would bother who she was. The only obstacle though, was Aizawa Kousaku. She has barely known the man, talked only a few sentences with him, and now she plans on dropping by unannounced from time to time to see his grandmother? It sounded incredulous even in her mind.

She heaved a sigh, lying down on her bed and curling into a ball. Maybe she should just sleep and make up for all the lost hours she couldn't.

Megumi suddenly misses Mihoko. It was so quiet without her. So, so, quiet that she could hear her own heart beating, hear the rush of voices in her mind. They were sprouting nonsensical thoughts in her mind even before she could stop herself. She listened to her own voice for a while, lost in her own thoughts that she didn't even realise her phone was ringing.

It rang for a while, stopped, and rang again a few seconds after.

When Megumi finally broke away from her trance and realised her phone was still ringing, she pulled herself up slowly, unwillingly reaching out for her phone and wondering who it was since there was no caller ID. Hesitantly, she answered.

"Hello?"

"Ah…Shiraishi-san."

For a minute there, Megumi was confused. She didn't recognise the voice on the other line, obviously, but the way the person had spoke seemed awfully familiar…

"It's Aizawa…from the bookstore."

Her eyes widened in pure surprise. "Aizawa-san?" She asked in confirmation, wondering if her ear was playing a prank on her.

"Yes. Sorry to bother you." It really was Kousaku on the other side of the line. "My grandmother wanted me to call you. She wants to invite you over for lunch."

"How did you get my number?" Megumi blurted out before she could stop herself, completely missing the point Kousaku was trying to make. She felt embarrassed almost immediately, biting her lower lip in regret as she smacked her forehead repeatedly.

"Oh," Kousaku's tone was still the same. "I got it from Fujikawa."

"I…see." Megumi prayed that he was the only person Fujikawa had given her number to. But she continued. "I'm sorry, I was just surprised."

"It's okay. My grandmother was wondering who sent the fruits. I told her it was you and well, she wants to meet you."

Megumi has this feeling that Aizawa was only calling her because his grandmother had forced him to. It still surprised her though, given the timing and how just a moment ago she was thinking of going to the bookstore. "I see. Please tell Kinue-san that I'll drop by later, then." She hesitated. "If…it's alright with you?"

"Yes." Kousaku was curt even on the phone. "I'll let my grandmother know."

Kinue's face lit up in delight the second she saw Megumi at her doorway. She thought Kousaku was only joking when he told her she was dropping by soon for lunch, but seeing her again at her home, for real, surprised her in a good way.

"Megumi-chan!" She exclaimed, clasping her hands together happily. It still felt surreal to be honest somehow, seeing her regular child customer so grown up and lady-like. Whenever she had tuned in to watch Megumi's dramas, she had already wondered how fast time flew by. Little Shiraishi Megumi who was always in pigtails was now an established actress loved by so many people!

"Kinue-san." Megumi greeted back politely. "I hope you're doing well."

"I am, dear child." Kinue replied with a huge smile. "I was just telling Kousaku how grateful I was that you came by with the fruits. You should have woke me up! I felt sorry that you left so quickly."

Megumi quickly shook her head. "Oh no, don't be. It really wasn't a trouble at all, I was actually in the neighbourhood that time…" She lied as smoothly as she could, hoping that Kinue-san would not feel guilty about not welcoming her then.

"Have you eaten?" Kinue asked, making her way slowly to the kitchen. "I told Kousaku to invite you over for lunch, but realised a little too late that the dishes may not be to your liking."

Megumi followed Kinue, reaching out immediately to grab the bowl from the grandmother's hands. "Ah, let me do it, Kinue-san. I'm sure I'd like whatever it is you're eating."

Just then, Kousaku emerged from the staircase. He had just closed the bookstore for lunch, saying nothing to the guest in their house. Megumi darted a gaze at him immediately, a blush creeping its way onto her cheeks. "Aizawa-san, er…"

Kousaku made his way towards both females, taking over what his grandmother was doing as he patiently told her to sit down. Kinue-san obediently complied, still smiling as she watched her grandson and Megumi huddling together near the rice cooker.

"Oh, not so much." Megumi had quickly said to Kousaku who was scooping rice into her bowl, and Kinue-san raised an eyebrow. "Megumi-chan, if you don't eat more, you're going to become even skinner!"

"Ah." Megumi shifted her look immediately at the grandmother who was no longer smiling. Embarrassed, she turned back to Kousaku. "Um, okay. Maybe just a bit more. Thanks."

Kinue was still frowning even when Megumi took the seat opposite hers. She immediately peered at the rice in her bowl. "Do they starve you like this in Tokyo?" Kinue tsked, feeling a surge of dissatisfaction before she could control herself. Why, no wonder all celebrities look like they haven't eaten in months, she thought to herself.

"No, no." Megumi quickly shook her hands. "It's not like that. I have to…um…I'm…"

She almost said she was on a diet, but the truth was, Megumi had forgotten she was no longer working. That she was on a break. She was so used to being careful with her meals, eating only food that are healthy so that she wouldn't gain unnecessary weight, that even though she was on her hiatus, Megumi wasn't eating as much as she ought to. She flashed an apologetic look at Kinue, just as Kousaku returned to the table with his grandmother's bowl of rice and his own.

Kinue wasn't even listening to her anymore, but rather, she was piling Megumi's bowl with the meat Kousaku had cooked earlier. Megumi could only stare in pure amusement, speechless.

"Itadakimasu." Kousaku said, and Megumi followed suit a second later. Kinue looked satisfied at how full Megumi's bowl looked now, finally smiling again.

As Megumi started eating in silence, she saw how Kousaku was putting vegetables in his grandmother's bowl, even cutting the meat into smaller pieces before pushing the plate closer to Kinue. For some reasons, his actions warmed her heart. She hadn't eaten a meal with a doting grandchild in years that she had forgotten what it felt like to have a grandparent to care for; both her paternal and maternal grandparents had passed away some time ago.

Megumi didn't even realise she was tearing up, only noticing when Kinue was suddenly startled before exclaiming, "Are you all right, Megumi-chan? Why are you crying?"

Kousaku immediately turned to look at Megumi, who had quickly wiped her tears away. "It's nothing, really. I'm fine, don't worry, Kinue-san." She said with an assuring smile. Kousaku observed her quietly, how she had looked away, hands slightly trembling as she bit her lower lip to suppress the sob that Kousaku was sure was coming out from her chest.

"Sorry, if you would just excuse me for one moment." Megumi still managed to string a proper sentence before leaving the table in a haste.

Kousaku could only stare at her back as she rushed into the washroom.

"Sorry. I'm not usually emotional like that."

After reassuring Kinue-san that she was fine, that she just missed her grandparents, Megumi had retreated downstairs to talk to the quiet man whose house she had intruded. Kousaku was busy arranging the books today, and had not even notice she was behind him when she started apologising.

He turned around, an eyebrow raised as she saw a flustered looking Megumi. Her eyes were on the floor, naturally.

"It's fine, really." Kousaku answered, unsure of what else to say or do. He wasn't used to a situation like this, to be honest, since he was never this close—in proximity—to a woman other than his grandmother before.

"I…I thought of my own grandmother when I saw you…taking care of yours." Megumi admitted softly. She couldn't find the will to look at him, since she knew he must have been startled at her sudden burst of emotions earlier. If the ground could open up and swallow her whole, she would greatly appreciate it.

"I don't remember when was the last time I cared for mine."

As soon as the words came out from her mouth, Megumi felt ashamed. The man in front of her was a doting, loving grandson, after all. He may not have many expressions like her, may not talk as eloquently as she does, but Aizawa Kousaku loved his grandmother with all his heart. And somehow, she felt awful about herself.

She didn't remember the last time she cared for her own grandmother because she was never there for her in the first place. The moment she had graduated from high school, Megumi had been whisked off to Tokyo to focus full time on her acting career, leaving everything and everyone behind. Because she was busy memorising her script, busy trying to improve her skills, busy attending talk shows, Megumi had allowed many phone calls to go into her voicemail.

It haunts her even till this day; that one phone call she managed to answer on the way to her next schedule. It was her mother, her voice sombre as she sobbed over the phone to deliver the forlorn news that her grandmother had passed away. She didn't even get to say goodbye.

"Shiraishi-san?"

His voice snapped her back into reality as Megumi finally looked up to meet his somewhat worried gaze. "Can I ask you something?" Megumi thought her ears were deceiving her. Was Aizawa Kousaku actually curious about her?

She nodded without a word. Megumi saw that he was frowning, as if trying to decide if he should proceed with his question. She waited patiently, urging him to continue with a raised eyebrow.

"Does Hiyama-san or Fujikawa-san know about your condition?"

Megumi was taken aback by that question which made no sense. "What do you mean?"

"Something about you seems… off." Kousaku had stopped arranging the books so he could look at her properly. "And I'm not just talking about what happened earlier."

She was speechless, to say the least. What was he trying to imply?

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but…I've been observing you." Kousaku admitted cooly, causing Megumi's eyes to widen in pure surprise. "When my grandmother told me you were an actress, she also showed me the news of your…hiatus announcement."

In an instant, Megumi felt her heartbeat increasing, though she remained mum.

"You told the press that this was something you had to do, but you wouldn't elaborate on that matter. Your body language said it all that you were keeping something from the public." Once he started, Kousaku found it hard to stop. "And the day when we first met in the hospital, you were agitated when my grandmother suggested I help you with your insomnia."

Megumi could feel the rush of blood into her brain, her heart still hammering against her chest. "I…I didn't want to bother you." She attempted to explain, but Kousaku was already shaking his head.

"The other day, you told me you hated cameras." did Kousaku really remember everything that had occurred between the both of them? Megumi was befuddled and amazed at the same time. "But I honestly don't think that's what you hate."

Megumi was now a tad bit annoyed. She raised her voice slightly, "Excuse me?"

"You hate yourself. Or at least, you hate the person the job has made you to be." Kousaku said it in a matter of fact tone. "More than ever, you hate what is happening inside of you." This time, he said it as slowly and carefully as he could, knowing full well he was threading on dangerous water. "And no matter what, you refuse to admit that you need help because you're in denial."

Kousaku's words were like a slap to her face—she was so stunned she could barely say a word. Her heart was palpitating. She was sweating, her whole body trembling. Even then, Megumi willed herself not to look away, hot, angry tears started to form in her eyes again.

"How dare you?" Megumi forced the sentence out in between gritted teeth. She was beginning to lose her patience. "You barely even know me, but now you're sprouting out nonsense about me as if you've known me for life."

Kousaku crossed his arms, unfazed by her remark.

"That day in the hospital was really awkward between us." Megumi continued, her fist clenched so tightly her knuckles were beginning to turn white. "I didn't want to stick around because I wanted to get away from you. That was it. How did you even come to the conclusion that I was in denial? Of what, even?"

Kousaku did not answer, which somehow infuriated her even more. "I am perfectly fine, Aizawa-san. I don't need your concern nor your pity. I can take care of myself."

Megumi had turned around to leave. She was only a few steps away from the door, but she barely made it halfway through when Kousaku said something which halted her movement immediately.

"You don't have to pretend you're always strong." He had said out loud, "You don't have to carry this burden alone. Keeping it to yourself will only worsen your condition."

Megumi didn't turn to look at him, but she was shaking her head. "I don't have a condition." She persisted stubbornly. Kousaku could only sigh as he took a step towards her.

"There's a reason why you're back home. And it's not just wanting a simple break from stardom. Shiraishi-san, if you don't admit that there is something wrong with you, no one is going to be able to help you."

"I told you, loud and clear," She snapped, "that nothing is wrong with me. Why can't you just let it go? You don't even know me, we just met not long ago and now you're—" She couldn't explain why, but Megumi suddenly couldn't continue her sentence. Her throat was constricting, the tears coming back. Her heart was aching so badly that she had to clutch her hands together against her chest, wanting for it to stop, just stop hurting.

"You don't have to pretend you're all right if you're not." Kousaku had lowered his voice, hoping silently that his words would go through to her, and that Megumi would finally acknowledge her mental illness and seek help from the hospital. There was just something about the actress he couldn't exactly pinpoint, but it made him want to care. Perhaps it's the loneliness he could see in her eyes, the sadness behind every smile he saw her put on. Perhaps it was because when he saw her, he didn't just see an actress, but Shiraishi Megumi, a friend of her grandmother and friend, a woman in need of help.

"It's…not something to be proud of. It's a flaw." Megumi whispered so softly that he almost missed it.

"It is perfectly normal to have flaws, Shiraishi-san." Kousaku mumbled back in return, wanting to convince her that it was fine to feel this way. "If you think not dealing with your problem is going to solve it, then you're wrong. It will only bug you until you cannot take it anymore." It was almost as if he could read her, all the worries etched in the deepest recesses of her mind. "I don't think anyone wants to see that happen to you."

"It's time you put yourself first, Shiraishi-san."

Megumi didn't—couldn't say anything.

That night, as Megumi was trying to fall asleep, Kousaku's words rang repeatedly in her mind. They hit too close to her heart that she found herself pondering, questioning herself.

She was tired of being in a constant denial with her true feelings. She had lied so many times to protect others, to not burden them with what she was going through that she had forgotten to take care of herself. She was so sure of it—this constant black cloud hanging over her head—would eventually go away, so why tell people about it and worry them even more?

But Kousaku was right. All this act of pretending to be fine when she wasn't, was finally taking a toll on her. She knew that every lie she has said was going to come back and haunt her. He was right. Nothing will change if she doesn't do anything about it.

Tomorrow, Megumi finally told herself, I will go to the hospital.

a/n: why do i torture myself like this So sorry for the one week wait! (Though I'm really happy to see an influx in shiraishi/aizawa fics, kekeke.) As usual, I just want to thank everyone for your comments as they greatly motivate me to continue writing. Thank you! One last episode of code blue left :(