Author's Notes: There's a few other related story in-jokes but I don't think that will be a major problem if you haven't read the series. Just remember, that the Jack of this 'verse has NO tolerance for alcohol. A thank you to scifigeekgirl who long ago sent me the most hysterical picture of a small candy bar with Han Solo baked into it (like when he was frozen in Carbonite from the movie) because then of course, it sparked an idea…:)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who or to Star Wars.
Previous Chapter: A chorus of cheers float through the air as Yoda shuffles down the aisle immediately followed by Han and Leia in their wedding attire and their friends and family members trailing behind them to take seats on the rocks strewn around the clearing.
The Doctor laughs heartily and congratulates the couple. "Well this is a surprise and a momentous one at that! I would like to offer my own congratulations along with my missus and say that you two have picked the perfect place and the perfect day to host your wedding. This is most definitely a blessed day! What could possibly go wrong?"
The answer comes rather rapidly when the Doctor steps back, heedless that Han is behind him and a loud SNAP echoes throughout the surrounding area. All eyes turn on the Doctor in abject horror while Leia's vehement glare is teetering on the border of full out rage. Uh oh.
After a nervous gulp, the Doctor steels himself and slowly trails his gaze down to the ground where he finds a completely unharmed Han Solo waving a broken twig. A twig that Leia rapidly picks up and jabs into the Doctor's foot.
"Ow!" yelps the Doctor while he hops backwards on one foot away from the threat of the furious princess. "What the hell was that for?"
Rose covers her mouth to smother her laughter and Han rubs soothing circles on Leia's back in an attempt to calm her down. The Doctor stares down at the tiny action figure and seethes, "And you can quit glaring at me, Leia, I didn't step on him after all, he's fine!"
He leans down a bit for a better view as she's gesturing with her hand in non-verbal response. The Doctor instantly pop back up with an affronted gasp and directs his comment to Rose while pointing at the princess. "Rose! Did you see that? That is rude, Leia! I know for a fact that you are fully aware that particular gesture is not a peace sign!"
Rose releases a small laugh as she grabs his arm to pull him away from the princess while Han does the same with Leia. "Doctor," reminds Rose, "you have to see her side; she's still upset over the baking incident."
"What?" he questions in disbelief. "But that was a long, long time ago!"
"Doctor," cries Rose in exasperation, "it was yesterday!"
"For a Time Lord, that's a long, long time!" He sighs as he watches Leia cuddle serenely into Han's embrace. "Besides, he's fine now, isn't he? He's just lucky that I cook by sonic because if he'd been in the oven there'd be nothing left!"
He tilts his chin up into a defensive gesture and unwaveringly claims, "Han's no worse for wear for wear for being soniced into a brownie!"
Rose rubs the bridge of her nose with a sigh before trying to make him see reason again while determined to have her wedding day remain peaceful, or as peaceful as theirs could ever be. "That may have been the case if that's all that happened, love, but there was a bit more to it if you remember."
She stares pointedly at the Doctor until he reluctantly concedes, "Okay, fine, but how was I to know that Shiver and Shake like chocolate? And we retrieved him…eventually. Still in one piece I might add!"
Evwon interrupts them by loudly clearing his throat to draw their attention to him. "Excuse me, but we do need to resume the ceremony please. The Sremag, remember?"
"Oh, yes, of course, sorry about that, Evwon. Alright everyone," shouts the Doctor as he waves the couple towards the altar, "Allons-y!"
When Evwon steps aside to take a seat with the other guests, Jack asks, "So who's going to marry Han and Leia then?"
The Doctor straightens his bow tie as he smugly suggests, "Since it was the sonic screwdriver that brought them to life, with Tony's assistance mind you," his voice sharpens in slight reprimand as he eyes the boy, "and I invented the sonic, how about their creator?"
"Who's that then?" inquires Jackie mockingly. "George Lucas or Kenner?"
"No need to worry, Doctor," comments Evwon as he indicates a shuffling Yoda heading toward the altar, "everything has been arranged."
"Creator, huh?" whispers Rose teasingly. "I think it's time to let go of that lonely god complex."
The Doctor pulls a face as he bumps her shoulder with his own. They stand off to the side and gaze on, along with all the other guests, everyone equally entranced by the scene that is playing out before them.
Yoda raises his walking staff and taps it against the ground a few times, silently instructing a hush to settle around the clearing. Han and Leia drag their engagement ring pop down the aisle with them with Luke Skywalker and his nurse doll sweetheart following behind as their attendants.
Once they approach the makeshift altar that Tony has created for them, made out of clear plastic Legos and a battery filled Light Bright providing a majestic and colorful glow, Yoda is about to begin until he notices something moving around from the corner of his eye.
A wave of his hand moves aside a small shrub to reveal Darth Vader holding out his light saber and his Storm Troopers gathered around him on all sides with their rifles at the ready. It is obvious to everyone in attendance that the former dark lord wants to ensure that his daughter's betrothed doesn't change his mind.
Yoda stares at him pointedly until Darth releases a heavy electronic sigh and waving a hand to his men, he and the others rapidly take their seats among the various stones that are scattered throughout the area.
With a small shake of his head at Darth, Yoda lifts his hand and a bright red ribbon with an ornate pattern of gold and silver symbols woven throughout it flies out of Tony's pocket and winds itself loosely around Han and Leia's clasped hands. He then offers a solemn nod to the couple which indicates that it is time for them to begin their vows.
Han goes first, turning to Luke who hands him two candied hearts. The first one he holds up states, 'I love you'. Leia simply smiles brightly and turns to her own attendant, the nurse doll, and replies with her own candied heart that declares, 'I know'.
The groom fixes his bride with a stare of exasperation while the Doctor whispers to Rose, "Yep, he's never living that one down," to which she nods sagely as she notes, "Quite right, too."
Grimacing at his own past ill-advised response, he initiates their link. We should probably remain quiet for the rest of the ceremony, don't want to ruin their big day and all that. Rose nods once more, this time with a knowing smirk, and then along with the Doctor, returns her attention to the ceremony.
Leia then reaches for another heart, this one pronouncing, 'I love you too' and with huge grins and identical loving gazes, they both take hold of their final hearts which proclaim a sentiment shared by their two human friends and roommates, 'Forever'.
Yoda glances around the clearing until he spies a group of tiny pebbles on the ground. As he squints, the pebbles rise into the air and form the question, 'Any objections?'
All eyes from both wedding parties slide their gazes over to Darth Vader, who feeling quite threatened, immediately brings his light saber out in order to defend himself at a moment's notice. Queen Amidala instantly heads over to her husband, and places her hand on his arm in a calming gesture. When he views her soothing, yet admonishing countenance, he shuts down his light saber and resumes his seat next to his wife.
Seeing that all is calm once more, Yoda taps his staff on the ground thus tightening the ribbon around the couple's hands which is promptly followed by a flurry of rose petals sailing through the air from Jackie's hand to fall down around the couple pronouncing the ceremony complete.
Applause soon breaks out as the couple embrace and all of the tiny action figures rush up to the newlyweds to offer their congratulations. In the midst of all the well wishes, the Doctor turns to his own new bride and inquires, "So what do we do now?"
"Why the reception of course!" answers Jackie from behind him while she signals to some of the Torchwood agents in the back row to start handing out the glasses of Vitex to everyone. "But first," she nudges Pete in his side, "Pete has something that he'd like to say first, don't you sweetheart?"
Pete smiles obligingly at his wife before gathering his thoughts and clearing his throat. "When Rose first came to live here, she told me about the Doctor. She told me about their adventures, the people they had helped and all of the amazing things that they had done. I could truly believe that they were the 'Stuff of Legend'."
Rose and the Doctor share a secret smile at the memory Pete's opening invokes of when the Doctor decided to dub them with that particular moniker after their adventure on Krop Tor. Pete's expression seems to become more serious as he eyes the couple and continues, "Knowing them as I do now, I have to say that I no longer believe that."
Shocked gasps and indistinct murmurings are heard throughout the clearing and the Doctor's temper begins to flare in reaction to Rose's pain filled expression. Jackie hurriedly reaches out to place her hand on the Doctor's shoulder when she glimpses his hardened expression and with a shushing noise to him, she turns to Pete and urges him to go on.
He gazes tenderly at Rose for a few moments before speaking again. "I watched a distraught and broken young girl become a confident woman filled with spirit and determination. Her mother and I shared in her heartache when she repeatedly crossed universes to unite with the man she loved and her absolute joy when she found him."
Pete faces the Doctor and offers him an appraising stare. "I first met a man who would do anything he had to do to save the world and then I met the man before me, and I knew that to him, my little girl was his world."
His gaze automatically travels to Jackie and he exhibits a slight smile as they share their own memory of falling in love with someone that they had lost but found again. "They've had to face circumstances that few couples would ever have to face and they have triumphed over them all. So, no, I don't think that they're the 'Stuff of Legend'. I do, however, believe that they're the real thing."
Both Rose and Jackie wipe away a trail of stray tears while the Doctor and Jack are doing their best to hide the effects of Pete's speech behind a few manly sniffs. Having said all that he's going to, Pete raises his glass and toasts, "To the Doctor and Rose."
A chorus of instantaneous replies greets this final statement along with Rose throwing herself into her father's arms and squeezing Pete in a crushing hug. "Oh, Dad, that was lovely, thank you."
"It was a beautiful speech," affirms the Doctor. "Well done, Pete."
"Oi!" exclaims Jackie from the sidelines, "I helped!"
"Sorry, Mum," responds Rose laughingly. "Thank you, too." She draws back and sobers her gaze as she looks at Jackie. "Honestly, thank you for everything; we couldn't have done any of this without you."
Jackie grins proudly but offers her daughter a pointed look. "Well, I'm just glad that I could help, love, and that I could be here for you, what with you running off and all without so much as a by your leave."
Satisfied with the Doctor and Rose's matching countenances of guilt, Jackie's proud smile quickly changes into a smug expression while Pete gives her a warning gaze. "That's enough of that, Jacks. Knowing these two, they'll probably need as much guilt as they can muster for our next family dinner."
The Doctor reels back in offense and hastily defends, "Is it my fault that the curse of family dinners has joined the likewise accursed tradition of Christmas gatherings?"
Rose glances over at the group of action figures, noting the elaborate costumes that they're wearing and addresses Jackie. "Mum, where did you find the time to make all of those little outfits for everyone? They're gorgeous!"
"Oh, it wasn't me, love!" scoffs Jackie. "I may be able to make an outfit or two when the need arises, but I could never pull off anything as posh as what they're tarted up in!" She eyes the wedding party appraisingly. "I've had quite a few doll makers working overtime making sure that everything would be in time for the wedding!" She smiles softly at the tiny group and sighs. "They do look lovely, don't they?"
Pete passes a glance over the figures and praises, "You did a great job, Jacks, you should be really proud!" He scrutinizes one of the figures and mentions, "I don't recognize the little lady that's with Obi-Wan, is she a character from your universe?"
The Doctor pulls out his glasses to take a closer look and replies, "No, she's not. In fact, I don't recognize her from anything."
"Well, you wouldn't, would you?" answers Jackie. "She's not from any toy figure line from the movies or television, I found her in an antique store!"
"You brought her to life?" inquires the Doctor in outrage. "After you read me the riot act over Tony bringing that lot to life?"
"Yeah, I know, I know, but this was planned," defends Jackie, "and if you will leave that screwdriver just lying around..." Ignoring the Doctor's indignant glare, Jackie continues, "Besides, poor Ben needed a date for the wedding and nobody wants to be the odd man out, do they?"
She aims an affectionate gaze at the action figure and notes how happy he looks with the tiny doll. "He's been such a sweetheart helping Tony out with his book reports, levitating all those letters from his alphabet soup so that he could communicate with him; I just wanted to do something nice for him. And when I saw her in the antique store window, I just knew that they'd be perfect together! She's a right proper lady and all, just perfect for a gentleman like him!"
"Antique?" questions Rose. "Mum, if she's an antique then how on Earth did you bring her to life? The Doctor's sonic only works on plastic."
"I know that," declares Jackie smugly, "which is why I went and had one of those doll makers make a plastic version of the porcelain doll that I found!" She laughs heartily before reaching out to clasp Rose's hand and share her little joke. "All this money to spend and it seems we still end up buying knock-offs!"
The others share in her laughter and Rose hugs Jackie, "Oh Mum, I do love you! That was a really nice thing to do!"
"Yes, it was," confesses the Doctor. He raises his drink in acknowledgement of her kind gesture. "Well done, Jackie Tyler!"
Pete places his arm around his wife's waist as he catches the Doctor's gaze and asks, "Have I ever thanked you properly for staying in this universe?"
Although appreciative of the compliment, the Doctor is still curious. "There was never another choice for me but to stay," he declares as she glances down at his bride, "my place is with Rose."
Pete smiles back at the couple and then surveys the dancing toy figures as Yoda and the female troll doll waltz past Darth Vader and Queen Amidala. "Yes, and I'll be grateful for that, but still…it's nice to have someone else around to assure me that this recurring craziness isn't just all in my head."
"Tell me about it," concurs Jackie with a laugh as the other three join in. As the foursome settle down, Jackie and Pete notice how the Doctor and Rose's gaze keep drawing towards each other as the newly married couple become quieter and quieter. "Pete, why don't we give these two some time alone while we go and check on the music for the first dances, eh?"
"Brilliant idea, Jacks!" proclaims Pete as he nods approvingly. His tone lowers suggestively as they move away from the couple and he poses, "I happen to know of a few empty tents that are available for immediate occupancy, if you catch my drift."
Jackie laughs aloud as she playfully smacks his arm. "Pete Tyler, you're as bad as those two back there, you are!" She offers him a knowing smirk. "Besides, we both know how loud you tend to be so if everyone had their phones out for pictures of Donna in her dress, what do you think they'd do with a voice recording of the Torchwood Director?"
Pete pales at the thought. "Good point, Jacks, good point."
In the meantime, Donna and Jack have found the newlyweds and are regaling them with tales of the D & D tournament when Han Solo comes stomping past them as he leaves Leia, Luke and the nurse doll doubled over in laughter in his wake.
"Careful!" the Doctor calls out in warning. "I almost did step on you that time!" He watches as the groom continues to storm off. "I wonder what's wrong with him?"
Jack chuckles and shares, "He didn't like the wedding present that Tony gave to Leia."
"What did he give her?" asks Donna interestedly.
"It was the costume that she wore in Jabba's lair," he remarks with raised eyebrows. "Tony asked me to help him order it online."
Rose gasps in pure disbelief. "Jack Harkness! What on earth are you thinking helping Tony buy that slave girl outfit?"
Jack's quickly steps back out of range from the possibility of the Tyler slap that the Doctor has so often warned him about and hurriedly offers his defense. "Take it easy, Rose! That's not the outfit that we picked out!" When it doesn't appear as though Rose is going to make a move on him, Jack reminds her, "She wore two outfits in Jabba's lair, remember? The first one was a bounty hunter disguise." He darts a sympathetic gaze at the space adventurer sulking atop a mushroom. "Han was really disappointed when she opened the box."
"Oh, I bet he was," sniggers the Doctor.
As the Doctor sips his drink, he soon becomes aware that both Jack and Donna are practically guzzling down their punch and then some as once they finish their glasses, they continue to pull mini Vitex-On-The-Go bottles, one after another, out of Jack's robes.
"Are you two feeling alright?" inquires Rose in concern.
"We're fine," answers Donna between sips. "It's from those naff jumpers, apparently it's one of the many side-effects."
The Doctor's mouth curls into a grimace before opining, "Well, that's not so awfully catastrophic is it, a little extra bit of thirst?" He tilts his head as he studies her from head to toe. "Mind you, with the way that you tend to gain water, I completely understand your concern."
"What was that?" asks Donna in a deadly calm voice.
Rose elbows the Doctor in the ribs to prevent any further comments while Jack laughs a little too loudly at the Doctor's assessment. He casts a glassy-eyed expression at Donna that reminds her all too well of the Brig's favorite leer and prompts her to sniff her drink. "What the hell? This is spiked with booze!"
"Oh, come on, Donna, you must be mistaken," the Doctor replies, albeit a bit unsure of his own statement as he watches Jack attempt to remain steady on his feet. "That kind of behavior is for school dances and frat parties, who would do that at a wedding?"
Both Donna and Rose eye each other knowingly before Donna declares hotly, "Who else? It can only be Jake and his magic flask!" Jack slides a little closer to Donna before leaning on her altogether and flashing a seductive smile. "Oh, gawd," moans Donna as she turns her head away.
Rose eyes Jack doubtfully and questions, "Jack, are you going to be able to control yourself?"
His gaze travels over to Rose and he purrs, "I don't know, how about you?"
"Watch it, Harkness," warns the Doctor, "I have a lot more imaginative ways than Dimension Jumpers to make you disappear."
He shuffles over to the couple as he suggests, "This is a time for merriment, people, and we should be playing games!" He winks at Donna and slurs, "How about the Jungle Princess and the boa constrictor? Once you see the size of my snake, you won't even want to try and escape."
"Bring out that snake and I'll cut off its head," threatens Donna.
"Ouch," whispers the Doctor to Rose. "Even I felt that one."
"Aw, you're no fun," admonishes Jack. Turning away from Donna, he reaches out and grabs Rose's arm and pulls her to him for a tight hug. "You look so beautiful, Rosie," he proclaims as he squeezes her even tighter against him. "Damn, but you are such a hottie!"
"Language, Harkness," growls the Doctor while he tugs a squirming Rose away from Jack and gives him his best Oncoming Storm glare.
Jack pouts at being left empty-handed and points his finger at accusingly at the Doctor. "You're not a hottie, you're just haughty!" Then he breaks out into a huge smile aimed specifically at Rose that causes her to flush from head to toe. "And thank you, especially, my fair Rose, for taking such excellent care of my dice!" he declares cheerily as he displays them to the group before blowing on them and shoving them back in his robe pocket. "I couldn't imagine a safer place for them." He darts a swift peek at Donna's ample bosom. "Well, maybe one."
The Doctor stares suspiciously at Rose while she uses both hands to pat the bodice of her dress and murmurs, "How on Earth did he…I never felt a thing."
"That does it," announces Donna with a roll of her eyes. "Come with me, Cassanova, we're going to sober you up with some coffee."
"What do we need with coffee, doll?" inquires Jack while he presents her with his best bedroom eyes. "I'm all the stimulation that you'll ever need."
The Doctor and Rose watch in pity as Donna continues to lead Jack back to the refreshment table while fending off his advances. "Poor Donna," he notes as Jack pinches her bum, "having to deal with Jack the Gripper." He sighs resignedly and shakes his head. "I hope that Jake hasn't made sure that it's Irish Coffee."
To Be Continued…