Chapter 4.
"Oh my god." Donna whispered suddenly. Both she and Harvey had just been sitting there next to Mike's bed for some time now. Mike had cried until he fell asleep. It was tragic and one minute Harvey was filled with rage just to the next minute feel like his heart broke in pieces as he watched Mike's features. Donna had tried to offer him comfort, she spoke to him, stroke his arm, but Mike basically ignored her and kept his head turned away. Harvey had watched earlier how Mike had attempted to turn on his side but had failed. The expression of hopelessness at the younger man's face hurt in Harvey.
When Mike fell asleep his arm had slid down and revealed his swollen eyes and red nose. The bruise in his face stood out as well as a reminder of what had happened to him.
"Yeah…" Harvey sighed now.
"I had no idea. I thought he was okay." Donna whispered.
"That was what he wanted you to believe."
"He didn't want me to come in here, did he?"
Harvey shook his head. "He didn't want you to know. He was afraid you would be mad and leave."
"Oh Mike, I would never. Mad about what? Him not telling me sooner about it? That's stupid. I can't imagine what he has been through." She looked over to the kid again and looked close to tears now. Harvey was quiet.
"And Rachel really left? I can't believe she would do that."
"She was probably just shocked. She has only been gone for like an hour now." Harvey said.
"Oh. She must still be here then. I should go and find her."
"No, you stay with Mike. I'll go."
"Harvey, she is upset and vulnerable right now…" Donna started.
"And what is Mike? He is the one that has the right to be upset. Her job right now is to support him."
Donna just nodded.
"You should probably come back soon. He doesn't look that comfortable, and if you are not here when he wakes up again…"
"Tell him I'll be right back then Donna." Harvey walked out the door.
He believed Donna was right. Rachel was still at the hospital.
He found her in the cafeteria where she sat with an untouched cup of coffee in front of her. She had her hands wrapped around the mug and stared down into the liquid like it held some answers. Harvey sat down in front of her without a word. She jerked when she saw who it was. Immediately her eyes filled with tears. Harvey didn't care. He waited.
"I shouldn't have left." She said.
Harvey raised an eyebrow.
"I don't know why I did now. I don't know. I shouldn't have. Oh god, I can't believe that I did that to him. He must hate me now."
"Well…" Harvey said and Rachel put a hand over her mouth.
Harvey sighed. "He doesn't hate you. But what you did made this so much worse for him. It was not what he needed right now."
"I know, Harvey. I know. I feel awful."
"You should." Harvey said coldly. He couldn't help it. He stood up and started walking away.
"Are you coming?" He asked without looking back or stopping. He heard her hurry to catch up to him. He was only doing this for Mike. If he had thought that it would make Mike feel better in any way he had thrown Rachel out of the building, but Donna had a point as well. Rachel had just reacted. Her reaction had been wrong, but still. She deserved to make it right again.
When they got back to Mike's hospital room they found Mike still sleep. Donna stood up and gave Rachel a hug without a word. Harvey had a hard time looking at her. He couldn't help the feelings he had towards her now. She hurt Mike, and at the moment when he looked at Mike on the bed, he just wanted to be angry at something, or someone in this case.
Rachel didn't say anything either and they just waited in silence for Mike to wake up again. He did a few long hours later. Harvey happened to be watching him at the moment when he woke. At first he saw the confusion on the man's face and then the realization. It pained Harvey to see how Mike's hand crept down to his leg and how he dug his fingers into it. His face twisted when he obviously didn't feel anything. Then he saw Rachel.
Mike felt his heart speed up at the sight of her. She was back! He said her name and she startled and almost immediately her eyes filled up with tears.
"I'm so sorry Mike. I'm so sorry about before." She took his hand in hers but he found that he couldn't respond to the gesture. She noticed because she let go.
"I'm sorry." She said again.
He nodded. He didn't come up with anything to say and wished he could go back to sleep again. Harvey was watching him as well on the other side of his bed. Donna was there too. They were all there with him now, but it didn't really made him feel that much better. He was still paralyzed.
He bit his tongue hard. It didn't help to quell the feelings that were rising up within him. He didn't know how to handle all of this. He found himself turning his head away again. However they were on both sides of him, so it didn't get the wanted effect for him.
"Mike?" It was Rachel. "Do you think we can talk?"
He looked at her and shrugged a little. "About what?"
Her eyes flickered around the room. "Maybe just you and me?" She said.
"Of course." Donna said and stood up from her chair. "We'll leave you alone."
"No!" Mike exclaimed. Unexplainable panic suddenly rushed through him. "I want you to stay." He gripped the edges of his blanket hard in his hand just to hold on to something. His eyes burned.
"We'll stay Mike." Harvey said. He hadn't moved one inch and it comforted Mike immensely that he hadn't. Donna sat down again. Rachel looked on the verge of tears.
"Why did you leave?" Mike asked her.
Rachel shook her head a little. "I don't know Mike. I don't know what went through my head. It was just so much to take in and I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Donna and I went out to celebrate yesterday while you were…"
"While I was what?" He pressed.
"While you were here, like this."
"Like this." He snorted. He didn't know why he was acting like this, but it felt good. "A cripple. Useless."
"No!" Rachel exclaimed.
"Mike!" Harvey protested.
"You're not." Rachel whispered, she had tears in her eyes now. He had driven her there. "Don't talk about yourself like that. Please Mike."
He looked at her. She hesitantly took his hand in hers. At first he didn't react but then he squeezed her hand back. She smiled a little and wiped away a few tears.
"I am sorry Mike. I'm so sorry this happened."
He nodded a little. "Yeah, thanks."
"It's terrible Mike."
"Yes."
She watched him for a moment. "You are not in pain are you?" She asked.
"Not right now."
"So your legs are…?"
"I can't feel them at all Rachel." He answered. He almost felt a little annoyed with her. He looked over towards Harvey and Donna. They just sat there in silence, watching him and Rachel. It was just weird.
"And you are sure that it is permanent?" Rachel asked, clearly not sensing his tone.
"I don't know. That's what they told me."
"So there might be a chance…?"
"I don't know Rachel, okay!"
"Okay. So, what will happen now?"
"I don't know." Mike said again.
"You have an appointment for later today, don't you?" Harvey chipped in.
Mike nodded. They all got quiet after that and there was an uncomfortable tension in the room. Mike didn't like it at all. He felt like they were all looking at him with something new in their eyes. Something that hadn't been there before. Was it pity? Probably. And that was how everyone would look at him from now on. He would be the poor guy that got assaulted and crippled. And he hadn't even defended himself. He wondered if they knew that. He had done nothing to protect himself and that thought were stuck in his mind. He resented himself for it. He didn't really know what he could have done differently but his memory of his reaction to the incident still plagued him and filled him with a heavy feeling in his chest. It was a mixture of embarrassment, humiliation and a feeling of not being good enough.
He was now paying a high price for his shortcomings of being unable to protect himself. He had lost the ability to move around in society the way it is built. It wasn't built for the group of people he now belonged to, he knew that. There would now be so many things he wouldn't be able to do and so many places that now would be inaccessible to him. The most important being his own home. Dread and despair welled up inside him every time he thought about that. It made him want to go into a panic mode. His own home was now impossible for him to get to! What was he going to do? Where would he go?
He wondered if Rachel had thought about that already. He hadn't just made sure his own life was destroyed, he had ruined hers as well.
He was examined by his doctor again two hours later. Rachel was with him then while Harvey and Donna left for the day. Mike had been pretty reluctant to them leaving but Harvey said that he would see him the next day, so he tried to pretend that it didn't bother him when they left.
The doctor's appointment was a pretty awful and humiliating experience. He just wanted it to end. The doctor had removed the blanket over his legs and he had to look at his now useless legs. There was no change though. He was still very much paralyzed and they wanted to start talking about his future. Mike wasn't interested in that at all. He knew that it was stupid to refuse to listen to them when they spoke to him about it, but he just couldn't help but not wanting to hear about his disabilities. No one said anything but he thought that he could feel their eyes on him when he wasn't looking. When Rachel tried to talk to him about it later, he snapped at her. She had looked hurt but he hadn't done anything about it.
In fact he didn't speak much to Rachel at all. She tried to engage him in conversations but he just answered when he felt it necessary. Somehow he felt like there was this boundary between them now. He couldn't get the fact out of his mind that she had walked out of him. He just needed some time with processing that.
"Mike is there something wrong?" She had asked him that evening and he just shook his head and said he was tired. He was, because he was still on some medication, but as he got better they were taking him off it.
Harvey came back the next day after lunch. Rachel had stayed the night with him. He was glad that she was there when he woke up from a nightmare. He had been in a state of total panic and had tried to get off the bed. Rachel had been there and made him realize that it had all been a dream. He fell asleep while she was stroking his arm silently next to him.
His doctor came by again and he got to do another MRI. Both Rachel and Harvey were with him later that they when they came to talk about the results.
"We are satisfied with your healing process Mike. Your values are up and the wound on your back looks much better by now. We want you to stay with us for a few more days during which you will meet a physical therapist and we will talk more about the new aspects of your life."
"You mean the not walking anymore, part?" Mike said.
"Yes, that part." His doctor confirmed and Mike bit his lip.
"Will he get a wheelchair or something?" Harvey asked.
What else? Mike wanted to ask.
"Yes, of course. One will be provided for you from us until you can get your own. That will happen either tomorrow or the day after."
Mike nodded and refused to look at anyone.
"The next step for you then Mike, is to go to a rehabilitation facility for a few weeks where you will learn how to live your life with a spinal cord injury." The doctor said next. That caught Mike's attention.
"A what?!" he exclaimed.
"A rehabilitation center. We do have an excellent facility here at Manhattan. They are national leaders in medical research and patient care and they do provide comprehensive services, from the point of injury through rehabilitation and reentry into full community life."
Mike just stared at her. What was she saying? He shook his head. "I'm not going there." He said.
"Mike." Harvey said.
"What? No, I'm not. I'm not going to go to some center." He looked over at Rachel for support. Her eyes flickered between his and the doctors.
"I don't know Mike. I think it sounds like a good place for you to be. They will be able to help you."
"No! I won't do it!" Mike said. Louder this time.
"I know it's a lot to take in Mike, but I assure you that it is the best place for you to be. You will get your own team of professionals specialized in your type of injury. They have different programs for you to take part in, you get individual therapy sessions, and they even have sexual counseling." She smiled friendly at the last part.
Mike just stared at her with open mouth. He flinched at the last part. Sexual counseling. He hadn't even thought about that aspect. He looked at Rachel, she had blushed a bit and Mike was pretty sure that she had thought about it already.
His heart was beating hard in his chest. They wanted to send him away. He would end up on some place full of strangers that would teach him how to reenter full community life, whatever that meant. He wouldn't be able to see Rachel, Harvey or Donna for weeks. He noticed that he was starting to breathe faster. He shook his head again.
"I don't want to." He said quietly. An uncomfortable silence spread across the room, until his doctor spoke again.
"We'll talk about it more in the next few days. I'll get you some more information so you can read through it and think a bit more about it. I do believe it is the absolute best option for you."
She left shortly after that. Rachel went to take his hand but he snatched it away. He noticed that she jerked a little when he did.
"Of course you will go Mike." Harvey said and sat down. "I think it sounds great. I bet they will teach you a lot."
"Sure, but I won't do it. I've decided already." He said and looked defiantly at Harvey.
Harvey frowned a bit. "I think that's the wrong decision." He said.
"Maybe I don't care what you think." Mike said.
"Don't be stupid Mike. What else are you going to do then?"
"Shut up!" Mike said angrily. What was Harvey doing? Calling him stupid and wanting to send him away. Suddenly he had an urge to burst into tears. He fumbled for the button for the bed that lowered it.
"I'm tired." He got out and closed his eyes hard. He noticed that he was so tense that it almost hurt.
"Fine, we'll let you sleep." Harvey said then. "Come on Rachel, let's go and get some lunch."
Rachel bent down and kissed his cheek and then they just walked out! He opened his eyes in time to see the door close behind them. He wanted to scream for them to come back. A surge of hate at them for leaving like that flew through him. Angry tears streamed down his face the next second. He couldn't stop them.
He didn't want to be sent away. He didn't want to go to some center. He just didn't. It meant that it was something wrong with him. Of course he knew it really was, but it would make it so real. He couldn't stand the thought of it. He spent the next five minutes silently crying to himself. Then he spent another ten minutes trying not to start again. Then he actually did fall asleep.
He woke up when Rachel and Harvey came back. They had apparently agreed on not to bring the center up again because neither of them did.
Harvey left a while later but Rachel stayed. A nurse came by with a folder about the center in New York and Mike refused to accept it so Rachel did for him.
"You don't have to be rude to your nurses Mike." She said after the young woman left. Mike rolled his eyes at her.
"I really think you should consider this?" she said after looking through the folder for some time. "It seems really good Mike. And they are specialists. Here." She tried to hand it to him. He didn't take it.
"Rachel, I already told you that I'm not interested."
"I know, but you can at least read about what it is. Look Mike, Harvey and I talked a bit during lunch and we both think that it would be a good thing if you went. Now with your broken arm and all you will need a lot of help and they can give it to you."
"Oh, so you were talking about what you think I should do? That's nice. You two are talking to each other, but not with me." He didn't know why that knowledge hurt so much. That they were talking about him when he wasn't there.
"Mike, come on. You should give it a chance. Why don't you want to do it?"
"I'm not going to go to some place to get locked up with strangers and then let other people drive me around in some wheelchair to programs about how to reenter the community!" he noticed that his voice were just a bit too loud. "When did I even leave it?" He lowered it a bit.
"It won't be like that Mike. It will be a place where they will teach you tools that will be useful in your everyday life. It will help you." Rachel insisted and again tried to hand the folder to him. This time he ripped it from her hand and to both of their surprise he crushed it against his leg and threw it on floor.
"Mike!" She exclaimed.
"I said no!" He answered.
She shook her head at him and went to pick it up from floor. "That was unnecessary." She mumbled as she walked up the trash bin.
He didn't answer. He didn't know why he felt so angry. But he couldn't understand why they wanted to send him away. Sure, he agreed that it would be good to be taught about how to deal with the disability, but he didn't want to go somewhere and do it. He didn't want to be abandon in some place. He probably just should tell them that, but he felt embarrassed. So he remained quiet.
Rachel sat down next to him again. "I think you are making a stupid mistake by refusing this Mike."
He tensed at her words. "Yeah, well. That's your opinion." He forced out. He noticed how she looked at him. She shook her head a little. They both remained in a tense silence for a few minutes.
"I think I'm going to go and get something to eat." Rachel said then. "Do you want me to bring you something?"
He shook his head without looking at her, but he watched her walk out of his room without another word. As she closed the door behind her without looking at him he sank down into the pillows. He groaned a bit when his back suddenly hurt. It did that sometimes. Usually he would let a nurse know and they upped his pain meds. This time however he didn't bother. It actually felt kind of good. At least he could focus on something else. But what was that about? Maybe it was a bit twisted. What was wrong with him?
He wondered how long Rachel would be gone for. He kind of wanted her to come back. He didn't like being here alone. It reminded him too much about before.
He thought about what she had said. She and Harvey had talked about it and they both agreed. Maybe he should just go if they wanted him there that much? But just the thought of it made something twitch inside him and his eyes burned. He bit his tongue hard and willed it away. He wanted to sleep. He wished he could turn on his side.
He was still awake a while later when Rachel returned. She noticed something was wrong with him.
"Are you doing alright?" She asked. "Mike?"
"My back." He said.
She got a nurse for him and an hour later the pain was gone again. It was getting late and he noticed that Rachel looked at her watch.
"Mike" She said. "I was just thinking about heading home tonight."
"Ehm…okay." He said.
"Is that okay with you?"
"Is this because of earlier?" He couldn't help but asking. Was she punishing him?
"What? No, of course not. I just thought that if you were alright with it I would just go home and sleep and come back tomorrow morning."
He hesitated. He didn't want her to leave. What if she wouldn't come back again? He wanted to beg her to stay, but couldn't get himself to do so. He hated himself for wanting to do it in the first place. And he couldn't help but feeling angry at her for leaving him.
"Okay." He said. "If you want to leave, then do it."
She sighed. "Mike…"
"You clearly want to, so just go!"
"If you want me to stay I can do that." She said. She was trying, he knew she was, but he couldn't stop himself.
"No, it's fine." He said. His voice sounded weird even to himself. "Just go."
"Okay then. I'll be back first thing tomorrow." She leaned down to give him a kiss but he turned his head away.
"Okay, bye Mike." She said and left. He didn't answer her. He felt like shit after she left. What had he done? He had really been unfair and rude to her. He didn't even know why. She had sounded sad when she said goodbye, but she had still left. After some more thinking he sent her a text apologizing. She replied that it was fine and that they would see each other tomorrow.
That night no one was there when he woke up from nightmares.
-SUITS-
Mike had his first appointment with a physical therapist the next day. It was just an initial meeting. They talked about his injury, more about different types of spinal cord injuries. It was mostly the therapist who talked and Mike listened and asked questions. The more they talked the more annoyed he could feel himself getting. He didn't want to listen to this, but he guessed that he had to. It just sucked.
The therapist was the one that brought him his wheelchair. The man talked about how this one was temporary and further along he could get his own chair that was more adjusted to his needs. The therapist took help of a nurse and together they moved Mike over to the chair. It was actually kind of terrifying to be moved like that. He fought the urge to either start crying or start screaming as he watched how his legs hung limp and dragged across the floor as they settled him in the chair.
"There are useful lifts that you can use as well. I'll show them to you when we get down to the gym." His therapist said. Mike did not want to look at any lifts.
He kept his head down as he was pushed down the corridor. He wished he had accepted Rachel's offer to go with him, but he had thought it would have been worse if she saw him like this. Now he started to think that he had been wrong.
He got a tour of different equipment that would be useful for him, the therapist showed him a brochure but also had a few of the things available. Mike refused to try any of them. He just sat there in the chair being pushed around in it.
They then stopped and the physical therapist sat down on a bench in front of him.
"So I understand that you are doing a bit better now and will be ready to move on from here soon."
"Yeah, they want to kick me out." The man nodded a little.
"I know this is all very overwhelming but we are only want what's best for you. So how does the wheelchair feel? You think you can get used to it?"
"I didn't know I had a choice." Mike said.
"Maybe not. By this point I do a few exercises with my patient. We practice different techniques. I think it will be difficult now though."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it is your broken arm that complicates things a bit. That is since you for example need both of your arms to be able to get in and out of your wheelchair."
"So, what does that mean then?" Mike asked. "It's not like I can do anything about it!"
"I know, of course you can't. But there is not really any point for you to start practicing with the wheelchair yet."
"So what? I'll have to stay in bed all day then until this comes off?" He indicated at the cast.
"No, of course not. You will use the chair, it's just that you will need help getting on and off it."
"Terrific." Mike muttered.
Soon after they were finished and Mike was taken back to his room where Rachel was waiting for him.
"Hi Mike, how did it go?" She asked and walked towards him. The nurse stopped his wheelchair close to the bed and locked it.
"Fine." He said.
"Do you want to help lift him over to the bed?" the nurse asked Rachel over Mike's head. He tensed.
"No, it's fine. You don't have to. She don't have to." He hurriedly said.
"You are not that heavy." The nurse said, totally missing the point.
"It's fine Mike." Rachel said and stepped up on the other side of him.
"No, I said no." He exclaimed and moved away from her the best he could. "No, thanks." He tried to save it as he looked up at her and saw her expression.
"It's just one lift. You see, unfortunately I'm not allowed to do it alone." The nurse said.
"I'm fine in it for now. I can stay here." Mike tried.
"It's better if we get you back into bed. It's your first time up and moving around and we don't want you to overdo it."
"Mike, it's fine." Rachel added.
But it wasn't fine. Not for him. He didn't want Rachel to help up into his bed. He didn't want her to see him like that. He felt humiliated as it was. She had already seen him so weak already.
"Okay. Let's go." The nurse said when he was silent for too long. "If you grab him under the arm, like this, and on three we go, and you step to the left and put him down."
"Okay." Rachel said.
"But…" Mike said.
"One, two, three." The nurse said and they lifted him up and out of the chair. He had to fight with himself not to resist them. He hated the way his legs just dragged against the floor until they got him sitting down. He wouldn't look at them and removed himself from their touches.
"Okay, let's lay you down. You ready? Maybe help him a bit from the other side?"
Again before he got the chance to protest much they maneuvered him to lay down. He felt himself blush. He hated this.
"Are you okay Mike?" Rachel quietly asked when they were alone again.
He couldn't look at her, but nodded.
"Are you sure? You seem a bit…down." She stroked his arm and he tensed. He didn't even know why. He shrugged.
"Talk to me Mike, please?" She begged him.
He shrugged again.
"At least look at me?"
So he did. She smiled at him but he couldn't get himself to smile back. He didn't have a reason to smile.
"So, do you want to tell me about your session?" Rachel asked.
The conversation between them felt forced and Mike didn't even know why.
"I'm really trying here Mike." Rachel had said at one occasion. He had apologized then. He didn't mean to hurt her feelings. It was just that she had really hurt his, a lot and he just couldn't get over it yet. He didn't really know what his problem was. She was being sweet and kind to him and he knew that she only wanted to help. Still he couldn't stop thinking about how he had felt after telling her about his injury and then watching her walk out, even after he had begged her not to.
It had hurt him deeply. Even though he knew deep down that she had just reacted in a stressful situation he just felt that it was the wrong reaction. It had woken something in him that always had been there, but now was laying just beyond the surface. It was his fear about being abandoned. The fear of being left alone, left behind.
He had been left a lot in his life. First it was his parents of course, but then lately it had been Trevor and Jenny, his only two friends. And then it had been his grandmother and with her his whole family. And now when he was like this, who would want to stick around?
Rachel's first reaction had been to flee. Flee from him. And now neither Harvey nor Donna had been by to see him in a day or two. They knew that he was badly hurt and struggling. They knew that, but still they weren't here. What if this was just a taste of what his life would be like now? He didn't know if he could deal with that.
Another thing that really bothered him was the feeling of helplessness. Things just happened around him and he couldn't just walk away or do anything about it. He was stuck here where he was. He hated that, it felt like he wasn't equal to the people around him anymore. They made choices for him without even asking him.
There were also the way people looked at him now. They all had these looks on their faces, Rachel, Harvey, Donna, the nurses and his doctors. They pitied him he was sure of it. At least it was what it felt like. That was how everyone would look at him from now on, wasn't it? With pity at first and then they would be uncomfortable around him, don't know what to say to him. He didn't want that. And another painful realization he had made earlier when he was in the wheelchair was that he never would be on the same height as other people from now on, he would always need to look up at them and they would look down on him. That was another thing he didn't want. And another thing he could do nothing about.
He knew he should make a greater effort to be normal around Rachel, but he just didn't have the energy right now. Why did it all have to be on him? She should understand that this wasn't easy and that he would struggle for a while now. She should understand and she should be supportive to him no matter what. At least that was what he wished. Right now he just couldn't be himself. He didn't want to be all nice to everyone. He felt angry. Angry at his injury, angry at his useless legs and angry at the person who did this to him. But mostly he was angry at himself.
He slept a lot during the rest of the day. He was in terrible pain when he woke up but only for a couple of minutes until a nurse gave him something. It had been his back and he wished he could turn around or something.
Mike wondered where Harvey was. He hadn't seen him in a while now. Rachel didn't know either.
"We can call him if you want?" She said, but he declined. What should he say? That he wanted Harvey to come and see him? It was the truth, but it would be embarrassing to tell him that, right?
Harvey and Donna did stop by the next day and Mike glanced at Rachel when they came. She just smiled a little at him then so he smiled back.
He got to be alone with Harvey after a while when Donna and Rachel went to get a coffee together. Harvey took a seat next to him.
"So how are you feeling? " Harvey asked.
"I don't know." Mike answered. "A bit better I guess. My back don't hurt as much and I'm getting sick of only eating soup or shakes all the time. "
"Yeah I bet. " Harvey said. "Look, sorry I haven't been by lately. "
Mike looked at him and felt a bit surprised. "It's fine."
Mike assurance didn't really convince Harvey. He thought that Mike looked pretty down. He was pale and the bruise in his face stood out much more than before since it had gotten darker. He wondered if Mike had seen himself in a mirror.
"So, I heard you saw a therapist yesterday? "
"Yes."
"So, how did it go?"
Mike shrugged and suddenly looked annoyed. "How do you think? They said that I can't do anything with my arm like this."
Harvey nodded. "But you something out of it, right?"
"Yeah… that my life is going to suck from now on." Mike muttered.
"Come on, Mike."
"What Harvey?!"
Harvey clenched his teeth a bit. He didn't know exactly what he should say, since he didn't want to turn this into an argument.
"Your arm will heal." He said.
Mike rolled his eyes. "Yeah, lucky me. I rather lose the arm if I got my legs back."
Harvey didn't answer him and Mike stared down at the floor. He knew he was a bit dramatic but it was the truth. He would gladly sacrifice his arm, even the right if it meant that he would be able to walk again, He had two arms. But it was not like that was going to happen.
Harvey was just sitting there now and Mike felt a bit awkward. He should change the subject, but couldn't come up with anything. Then Harvey spoke again.
"Have you thought more about going to that center?"
"No, I haven't." Mike answered feeling the anger rise inside him again, but concentrating on keeping his voice calm.
"What are your thoughts then?" Harvey pressed.
Mike bit his tongue. "Same as before. I'm not going."
Harvey looked away and scratched his head sighing a little. "Why not Mike? I think that it would be a good idea if you did."
"Well, I'm not going to, I don't care what you think."
Harvey couldn't understand why Mike was just dismissing the opportunity to go somewhere where he would get useful information and help. "Why not Mike?"
"Why I don't care or why I'm not going?"
Harvey just looked at him so he continued.
"I'm just not!" He said angrily. Why couldn't Harvey just accept that? And he wasn't going to tell him the real reason. It just sounded too pathetic.
"I hear you, but can you just give a reason as to why you don't want to go?"
"I don't want to that's why."
Harvey wasn't giving up though. "I think it's a great opportunity for you though Mike, it's stupid not to take it."
"Well, that's your opinion."
"Yes it is."
"But like I said, I don't care. I'm not going and you can't force me."
Harvey sighed in frustration. "Where are you going to go then Mike?"
Mike looked up at Harvey then and he felt himself freeze. What was Harvey saying? The anger from before was suddenly replaced with something else. He waited to see if Harvey would continue, say something else. But he didn't! He felt his eyes start to burn. Damn it!
"Get out." He said quietly. "Just go Harvey."
"Mike, come on. Don't be like that. Look, I just don't understand what you are thinking…"
"I said go!"
Harvey raised his hands in surrender. "Fine I'm going." And he did, closing the door behind him.
Mike watched him go feeling both relieved and regretful. He hid his face in his hand and pressed hard against his eyes. That didn't help though and the tears fought their way down his face despite his efforts. He hadn't wanted Harvey to see, but at the same time he didn't want to be alone.
Harvey was right though in asking the question on where he would go. He had nowhere to go. He couldn't go home. That was unless someone carried him upstairs. But even if he got there it wasn't much he would be able to do there. Their home was not built for someone in a wheelchair. He wouldn't even reach up to their kitchen table.
But the worst part of it all was that Harvey had asked him that question. Mike couldn't understand why he was doing that? Had he forgotten what he had promised Mike before, that night when he first told Harvey about the paralysis? Mike certainly hadn't.
Harvey had told him then that Mike was welcome to his place. He had comforted Mike when he broke down and he had said that he wasn't alone in this. He had said that he was serious in taking Mike in. Apparently that had been a lie.
Mike cursed himself. He had believed him. He had counted on being able to go to Harvey's place for a while until he had figured out how to deal with it all. But now that was gone. He wanted to be angry at Harvey. To scream at him. But instead he just sat there and cried quietly in his hand. Harvey had told him it would be fine, that they would figure it out. But now? He wasn't welcome? He felt betrayed.
It looked like his only option now was to go to that damn place. A rehabilitation center. But he just didn't want to! He didn't want to go somewhere where he wouldn't know anyone. He would be totally helpless as well, he wouldn't be able to do anything by himself and he would be left to the staff at the center. He wouldn't be his own person any longer. He would be like a sack or meat, or like a baby. He would need help to the bathroom for gods' sakes.
But it looked like he didn't have a choice. The hospital wouldn't let him stay here, he couldn't go home and Harvey didn't want to help him. He was alone in this now. That thought was crushing.
He cried some more at the thought of having to go to the center. He didn't want to! He wasn't ready! He wanted time to deal with this. To accept it, that it had happened. To work through the fact that his life was changed forever. He wanted to do that in his own pace, not in some facility being forced to talk to professionals about it. He didn't know how he would be able to coop at that place.
Everybody seemed to think it was such a great idea. No one listened to him, no one cared about what he wanted. Not even Rachel was on his side. Sure he knew that she just wanted what was best for him, but in this case she was wrong. This wouldn't be best for him. Right now it felt like it would destroy him even more. He was so scared.
-SUITS-
Okay, that hadn't gone all too well, Harvey thought as he closed the door to Mike's room. Clearly Mike had gotten very upset when he asked where he was going to go then if not home or to the center.
He had thought that Mike had been doing much better lately. That was the impression he had gotten from Rachel when he spoke to her on the phone last night. That Mike was doing better. That he was more like himself.
Harvey wasn't sure about that now though after that short meeting with Mike. Clearly he had said something wrong. But he did have a hard time understanding why Mike didn't want to go there. It would only be for a few weeks and he would learn how to get around and stuff.
He had been surprised when Mike asked him to leave. That wasn't like Mike at all, he had thought that Mike had wanted to see him, Rachel had said that much. Harvey walked down the corridor towards the cafeteria where he would find Rachel and Donna.
Suddenly he remembered! Damn it! He stopped so suddenly a nurse walking behind him stepped on his heel.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir." She hurried past him.
He had told Mike that he could stay with him, since he had two elevators. And what had he done now? Asked Mike where he was going if not to the center or home. That was the reason Mike had kicked him out. Of course! How could he forget?
He turned around and walked straight back. He paused outside Mike's door hesitating for a second. He then knocked. He listened and heard nothing so he stepped inside. His heart sank as he saw Mike. This was bad. Mike was sunken down in the bed and had his hand over his face, his body shook.
"Mike, I'm so…" That was all he got out before Mike screamed at him.
"No! Get out! I told you to get out!"
"I know you did but I came to apologize…"
"Get out! Leave!"
Mike was sitting up and gestured widely for the door. His eyes were red rimmed, his cheeks flushed. "I don't want to talk to you!" He said and met Harvey's eyes.
Harvey nodded then. "I'm sorry Mike." He said and walked back out. Shit! He had screwed up big time. He knew he could have just stayed in there, but it wouldn't be fair to Mike. The kid didn't want to see him right now and he would have to respect that. He could hear Mike sobbing from here he was, leaning against the door. Harvey closed his eyes and listened for a while, forcing himself to listen to it. He felt so guilty.
Then he hurried to the cafeteria. He would have to tell Rachel or Donna to go in to Mike and assure him that Harvey knew what he had said, implied. And that Mike was welcome to his place whenever he wanted.
He found them by a window table. Donna looked like she could murder him after he had told them what had happened. Rachel said that she would go and explain to Mike.
"It was clumsy and unnecessary, Harvey." Donna said as he sat down on Rachel's empty chair.
"I know. I didn't think."
However Rachel came back just a few minutes later, she looked upset.
"He refused to talk to me." She said. "He just told me to leave and that he wanted to be alone." She looked down. "He yelled at me. He was so upset." She said.
Donna stroked her arm. "We'll give him some time to calm down." She said.
-SUITS-
Thank you for the reviews! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you think :)