Okay so here is the next chapter of my story. Sorry it took so long but I was having difficulties figuring out where I wanted to go with this chapter. Funny thing is as I write this authors note I still don't know where I am going with it just thought it best to sit down and type. Hoping for the best, let me know what you all think.
Shock that is what I am feeling at this moment. Pure shock. How could she do this to me, how could she make me the one to decide whether she lives or dies? How do I decide that? How do I prepare myself to say good bye to the best thing in my life? How do I make that choice? Can I make that choice?
Filling out the paperwork somehow feels wrong, but I do it because it's what Jay Jay wants, and like I could ever deny her anything. Right? After the painful process of paperwork, god I hate paperwork the nurse comes and tells us that Jay Jay is settled in her room and that we can go and see her. She tries her best to prepare us, about all the different machines that are helping her and that it looks really scary and that it is a lot to take in but they are there to help her. We all sit there watching as her parents make the long journey to where Jay Jay is. It's somewhat comforting watching them walk down the hallway together arms wrapped around each other, supporting each other. God only knows how they are handling it. I can't imagine my child fighting for their life and what I would do. Minutes seem like hours but eventually Mr. and Mrs. Jareau return. I can't think of anything to say to them. What can be said? They are talking to Hotch, I can only assume he is telling them how sorry he is or something reassuring. As they continue talking I see Morgan and Garcia head in.
Good, she will need his support. They can get through this together. Why they aren't a couple, I find myself wondering, I mean it really makes sense. They are so cute together with their constant flirting. Really Prentiss, this is what you are focused on at the moment. How Garcia and Morgan would actually be perfect for each other. But now that I think of it they really would, Jay Jay's right they are made for each other. What the hell am I doing my best friend, the woman I am in love with is lying their helpless and fighting for her life, and I am thinking of Garcia and Morgan. As I berate myself they exit the room. They embrace each other and I see him whisper in her ear. They approach the Jareau's giving each a hug and say what I can only again assume are reassuring words. I watch this interaction as Rossi and Reid go in.
Poor Reid, the guy is still so young. I can't imagine what this is doing to him. He and Jay Jay are so close, he really is like her little brother. He cares so much for her. He has already lost so many of those close to him, I can't imagine what losing her will do. Rossi, the ever stoic Rossi. I know he cares for her more than he does most of us. Maybe he sees himself as a father figure or maybe because she looks up to him so that they have this bond. Though at times they get on each other's nerves, they have a connection I will never understand. As they leave her room Reid's eyes are even more red than when he went in and to my surprise Rossi no longer looks as stoic. He places a hand on Reid's shoulder. I can't do this. I can't go in there, what do I say, what do I do? As I prepare myself for the impossible I see Hotch make his way to her room. Good, I have some more time to think about this.
I wonder what Hotch is saying to her. Sorry for getting you shot, though not his fault, like me and the rest of the team I know he is blaming himself. I have never seen such sadness and such lose as I have in his eyes today. I am truly impressed at how well he is handling this all but really I expect nothing less from the guy. I wonder if he has even cried or if he will, maybe tonight at the hotel when no one is around. I know I have cried more in these last few hours than all my years combined. Fighting even more tears I see Hotch exit but immediately stops and is now talking to the nurse. He's looking at me. Great why do I feel like I'm in trouble. Now the nurse is looking at me, even better. Maybe they are thinking of sedating me, I hope so, cause that would really help the situation and my complete lack of control. Okay now he is gesturing me to come to him as he approaches the Jareaus. As we all converge as one large group I can only imagine what he is going to say.
"The nurse and doctors said there's not much more that can be done tonight and that she will more than likely be asleep for some time. We should all head back to the hotel and try and get some sleep. Visiting hours start at 9:00am and we are all more than welcomed back though the rules will be the same. Only two or so in at a time. Mr. and Mrs. Jareau we have a room that you both can stay in, it's not far from here and they have all my contact information in case something does happen." I see them nod their acceptance and everyone starts to pack up and head for the exit when I finally find my voice again.
"Hotch, I haven't seen her yet. I can't leave until I see her." It's the truth, I will not leave this hospital until I see Jennifer is alive. "Prentiss, you're not going anywhere." Man I hate that matter-of-fact tone he has.
"What do you mean I'm not going anywhere, why can't I see her. I need to see her Hotch. It's not fair everyone else got to see her why can't," before I finish Hotch is interrupting me and pulling me aside away from the rest. I am preparing myself for a quick lecture on how childish I just acted but instead I get "By nowhere I meant you are staying here. She needs someone here with her and as you so adamantly stated you need her too. Emily, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, tell her what she means to you and tell her why she has to fight." I have never heard him speak so softly before. I nod, in complete understanding of what he said yet the gravity of the words have yet to sink in.
He is heading back to the group I follow just behind, head hung. God my head hurts. So much going on, don't think I can see let alone think straight. Everyone is slowing making their way out the exit, Mrs. Jareau turns to me as though she is going to say something but nothing comes out. I see the pain in her eyes, the emptiness behind them, nothing like the pictures or the way Jay Jay describes her. I do the only thing I can, I embrace her, hugging her I whisper in her ear that I will watch out for her daughter, that I won't leave her side, that I will let her know if anything changes. Hoping this reassures her a little as we pull away she nods her head, Mr. Jareau looks at me and holds out his hand. I shake it promising to stay with his daughter no matter what.
As they all head out I turn to the nurse who simply smiles at me. She knows as well as I do there's nothing she can say or do that will make this situation any easier so she doesn't even try. She's walking beside me down the hall to the door where everyone one else entered looking upset and sad and exited looking lost and broken. I swallow and take a deep breath as I place my hand on the door to push it open, when I am stopped dead in my tracks. On the door is this horrible little rectangle window that allows me to look into this room that seems to hold nothing but despair. Inside I see the person I have been dying to see all day and right now I can't bring myself to open the door. She is lying motionless covered in a white sheet, hooked up to all kinds of machines. She looks so pale, so helpless, and so lifeless. All of a sudden it feels so real. Closing my eyes I turn around, to block the imagine I just saw, and find myself being embraced by the nurse.
"I can't imagine what you are going though. I know it is a lot to take in but everything in there is helping her. Your friend is strong, she has proved that already, now you need to be strong. I know it's not easy but she needs you. Talk to her, it doesn't matter about what just talk to her. If you need anything just hit the nurse's button and ask for Katie." I know she's right but still it takes me a few more minutes before I can turn and face that door again. With my hand now firmly placed on it I push with all my might, okay mental might and take those first tentative steps into the room.
Approaching the bed I hear her heart monitor beeping, I hear the sounds from the machine helping her breath and I see her. God do I see her. I can do this, I have to this, for her. Walking around the bed I find a chair and sit. I reach for her hand. My initially reaction is to pull away. Her hand is so cold but I fight through it and instead pick her hand up and cradle in mine.
"I don't know if I can do this." I am startle for a moment by my own voice. I haven't heard it for what seems like hours. Deep breath Prentiss. Listening to myself I take a deep breath and at that moment I decide to stop thinking with my head and to think with my heart, saying the only thing that comes to mind, "Jennifer, I love you."