A/N: Forgive my tardy update, esteemed readers; this semester is treating me poorly. Without a moment to lose, I give you noodles and snapshots of Iosef's training.

One week since Iosef's arrival

"Egg noodles."

Anchorclaw nodded, a satisfied smile appearing on the otter's stern face. "Well done, Joseph. Soulflayer's egg noodles are the key to time travel. Now, what would you consume to rip space and dimensional fabric?"

Iosef, sitting cross-legged across from Anchorclaw on the monolithic stone in the training grounds, thought for a moment before replying: "Wheat noodles... right?"

His master nodded again. "Indeed. Looks like you've kept up your studying. Now come; I'll show you something you haven't seen yet." In a flash, Anchorclaw had leapt from the rock and was disappearing into the woods. Iosef, knowing he wouldn't be waited for, followed suit, sprinting into the trees after his mentor. Once again, Iosef thought as he ran, he was being tested.

From the moment he had come under Arinn Anchorclaw's tutelage, everything had become a test, a piece of training which would somehow improve this or that. The Slayer apprentice now slept with one eye open; more than once had he had his bedroll soaked by a bucket of water, somehow hidden inside his less-than-spacey tent and rigged to tip over as soon as he pulled up his covers. When miserably asked about it in the morning, the otter had said, with a completely straight face, "To make you more observant. See all, and you'll never be taken by surprise." In the mornings, which bore crisp breezes, each with a more noticeable chill than the last, the mouse would run a long trail through the woods to the clearing, where he would scale the great rock, three times his height, to meet with Anchorclaw, who would be sitting still as a stone with his eyes closed in apparent meditation. The first time Iosef had ascended the rock, he had been welcomed by an acorn launched from a sling, which had hit him square in the forehead and caused him to tumble to the earth in a heap. The next day, he had dodged the acorn, but had then met with the sling itself, which had blindfolded him and made him fall yet again. The third time, he had climbed up behind Anchorclaw, who had then declared, "Better." The mouse shook his head as he flew through the woods after the dark-brown blur that was the Training Master. Though he had only known this world for three weeks, he suspected the challenges ahead would be some of the harshest he would ever know.

Arriving in camp and receiving knowing looks from the Slayers, scattered around the tents, Iosef saw Anchorclaw's tail disappearing into the central building and made for it. As soon as he passed through the door he immediately scoured the stacks for any signs of movement, and, hearing a crackle of flame and a sound like bubbling water, moved towards the source of these sounds. There, standing around the lit fireplace, were Anchorclaw and Soulflayer, the latter with a ladle in paw tending a pot of boiling broth. The otter beckoned, and Iosef scampered forth to look at the concoction in the pot. There swirled a kind of noodle he had never before seen, white in colour and thin compared to the other noodles he had seen so far. He noticed that Soulflayer seemed less than enthusiastic as he stirred his creation, and looked to Anchorclaw, whose expression was quite grim.

"These, Joseph, are rice noodles, which our friend Nael makes for us. Among all the noodles Heath uses, these are the most dangerous, both to Sues and ourselves. You have to be careful about eating these on missions, and whatever you do, don't eat them in camp." Iosef's expression became questioning, and Anchorclaw continued: "These rice noodles contain Sparkles. We've never known why, and really wish they didn't, because they're delicious, but as I said, they bear within them the ingredient - mineral, vitamin or otherwise, we're not sure - that gives Mary Sue her power."

The mouse stared in disbelief. Why was such a dangerous thing being prepared by Soulflayer? It seemed like such a poison would be prohibited and likely never spoken of, yet they were displaying it to him after only a week among the Slayers.

"Why do you make these?" He asked, unconsciously baring his teeth at the very idea of Sparkles in a place dedicated to the destruction of Sues.

"Well, lad, the fact is that Sues are indubitably powerful foes, whose abilities tend tae extend beyond what is physically possible," Soulflayer said, a shadow passing across his face before being dispelled by his usual jovial demeanor. "Sae, as a kind of last resort, Ah did some research and found that rice noodles bear strands o' Sparkling within them - something Ah intend tae look further intae. Ah've managed tae partially distill the vile substance through the use o' Broth, but Ah can't erase the Sparkles without overcooking the noodles, which Ah refuse tae do. Sae what we'll have here, in about thirty seconds, is a manageable dose o' Sue Serum. Dreadful, addictive stuff, but sometimes necessary. Shall ye demonstrate, Master Anchorclaw?"

The otter nodded grimly. "Yes, but not here. Come, Iosef, and take a bowl of those infernal noodles with you."

Sitting across from him on the high rock in the clearing, Iosef watched Anchorclaw quietly slurp up the last noodle in the bowl before gulping down the remaining soup and place the bowl to one side, wiping his mouth. Suddenly, the otter began to change; the grey streaks in his fur slowly vanished, and an unnatural shine rippled through his thick, luxurious pelt. His claws, previously dirty and slightly uneven, were now perfectly manicured. His headfur grew distinctively long and darkened in rakish long tresses, and Iosef was, to his horror, stricken with an overwhelming urge to bow low and kiss the feet of this figure worthy of legend. He reached for his blade, but found it difficult to unsheathe it. Sparkling, thought the horrified mouse as Anchorclaw blurred and vanished. Iosef felt a tap on his shoulder, and when he went to look found himself gazing at empty air. "Do you see, Joseph?" Came a proud, majestic voice. Shielding his eyes from the sun, the mouse made out a tall, muscular form standing on tip-paw on the very top of a conspicuously tall pine - a hundred meters away. "This is the power of the rice noodles," Anchorclaw declared, his moderate voice somehow reaching Iosef's ears despite the distance. "Beware of it. More than one serving'll turn you into one of them."

While breathing a small sigh of relief, Iosef still shuddered in unease at the change that had overcome his stoic training master. If such a strong-willed warrior could be so easily infected with the blood of Mary Sue, what might Soulflayer's concoction do to him, an untrained young beast?

Two weeks since Iosef's arrival

"Swing, one hand, steady, keep your weight balanced, now turn - don't stumble! Step farther and firmer, be certain of where your paw lands and your sword strikes! Again, faster. Faster than that - what did I tell you, balance! Don't lift your back leg so high; you're not a ballerina. Feint, now slash quickly, backstep, pirouette, low cut. Remember, you're to be working as a team with Hemlock - you're not trying to kill the Sue, but to injure it so that your partner can. Don't be a hero,and in the name of all things sacred omit that quick thrust from your repertoire. It's breaking your fluidity of motion. Paws wider apart - the focus isn't on economy of movement. Now butterfly twist!"

"Ack! Oww..."

"What went wrong, Joseph?"

"The sword is heavy!"

"Yes it is. It's adding to your forward momentum. Why do you think I chose to teach you the Jester's Blade form?"

"Because you're a sadist?"

"Besides that."

"Huhh... 'this form, comprised of sweeping, acrobatic techniques, is primarily to distract the enemy's eye and confuse them with the blur of motion that you become through its movements.' Would you call that an accurate description?"

"Sufficiently. I can tell you've been working, but you don't fully understand the spirit of the Jester's Blade."

"I understand it doesn't care for my spinal cord."

"It's you who are putting your beloved spine at risk by not throwing yourself into the twist. It needs, even more than momentum, absolute conviction on your part, which you're just not delivering. What is it that's holding you back?"

"..."

"You're not scared of it. Not of failure - the first half is fine. The touchdown, though... your sword arm is lacking in spirit."

"I'm not that strong, Master Anchorclaw."

"That I know. But you're strong enough for this. And yet, even if I tell you that and you accept it as the truth, you have to eliminate all self-doubt yourself before you can find the will to swing all the way through the movement. That is a fundamental aspect of the Jester's Blade - while moving, you must forget your doubts. Remember them once you're standing over your enemy's body. Now get up and try again, or I'll tell Soulflayer to spare you tonight's pasta."

"EEYAH - Agh!"

"At this point, you're the only one standing in your way, Joseph. I can't help you with that; from here on, the butterfly twist is all you."

One month since Iosef's arrival

"This is absurd!"

"Yes."

"Insane!"

"Somewhat."

"Impossible!"

"No. Everyone in camp did this to get where they are now."

"After a season of training! They knew what they were doing, and you said they still screwed up."

"Yes, and so will you. But that's a given. No one's ever gotten off the Diviner their first time unscathed."

"How reassuring."

"I know. Now get up there."

A feeling of trepidation boiled in Iosef's stomach as he put one footpaw on the Diviner's wooden beam, which already swayed menacingly despite his other paw anchoring it to the ground. The pendulum, though made of heavy wood, swung lightly along with the beam, foretelling no small amount of pain in the near future. With a gulp, Iosef looked to Anchorclaw, whose eyes betrayed the devilish smile his mouth wouldn't form. The otter nodded encouragingly, and, solidifying his resolve, stepped onto the wooden beam. Though it wobbled precariously as he steadied himself, Iosef found it easier than he had anticipated. It seemed Anchorclaw's constant roaring of "Balance!" was paying off after all. Feeling his confidence growing, Iosef took a step. The beam didn't betray him; the wobbling lessened. With the beginnings of a grin on his face, Iosef took another step, quicker this time, and, feeling like a veritable champion tightrope walker, pirouetted and aimed a whack at the coming pendulum with his wooden sword.

The instant he began to turn, he realized he'd screwed up. As his footpaw shifted, the beam shook, heedless of the metal chains holding it in place, and tipped. Immediately losing his balance, instead of meeting the pendulum with the edge of his wooden 'blade', he connected with the heavy object between his knuckles and the crossguard, knocking the sword out of his hands and jarring his shoulder, which reversed his pirouette and sent him crashing to the grass headfirst. Though the soft terrain slightly lessened the impact, it still hurt incredibly.

"Agh - Dammit!" Iosef cursed loudly, holding his screaming head between his paws. Glaring out of the corner of his eye, he spied an expression on Anchorclaw's face that came closer to resembling sympathy than anything he'd ever seen from the otter. Barely stopping himself from yelling at his trainer in rage, Iosef instead resorted to screwing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth. Anchorclaw waited patiently for Iosef to open his eyes before speaking.

"Don't trouble yourself."

The mouse's head snapped around, widening one particularly glaring eye incredulously. This wasn't a joke - the iron-faced Arinn Anchorclaw was consoling him. The otter continued, not seeming to notice Iosef's disbelief. "You made it farther than both Burr and Hemlock did on their first tries. In fact, the only person to do what you did without falling the first time was Mari - girl's a wonder, she is. So no, you're not an abject failure."

"Couldn't have put it better myself," came a high voice from the upper boughs of the wood. Anchorclaw didn't bother to look up, but Iosef did. There, sitting with her legs crossed, six meters off the ground, was Marigold, smiling at the suffering mouse with mischief in her light brown eyes. Speechless, Iosef only listened as Anchorclaw greeted her, and watched as she swung casually down to the earth and walked over, tail swishing brightly. "I was curious as to how our new friend was coming along, so I came to have a look." She looked Iosef up and down, exuding a rather careless air. "Good job, rookie. Your balance isn't half bad." Then, in a flash she leapt over him, landing in a perfect handstand on the Diviner. She walked up to the pendulum on her forepaws, maintaining absolute balance all the way, and shot a teasing glance at Iosef. "Of course," she said, giving the pendulum a swift kick, executing a back handspring and blurring, whips already in her paws and flying about in a whirlwind of splinters and leather, "you'll never have anything on me." Winking cheekily at the dumbstruck mouse, she lashed out with her whips, latched onto a branch and flung herself into the trees, leaving large strips shorn from the Diviner's hardwood exterior.

The two beasts remained there silently for a solid minute, before Iosef finally found his voice. "What the Hell was that? Master?"

The otter looked thoughtful, and even let out a small chuckle. "I think she just challenged you to one-up her. Never mind what I said - you'll have to trouble yourself if you'll be wanting to even try to take her up on that."

Rubbing his hurting cranium and wincing, Iosef gazed into the gap in the trees where she had disappeared. "Upstage the most acrobatic Slayer in the crew, who is also a squirrel. Nah, that won't happen."

Anchorclaw nodded sagely before hearing his pupil's next words: "But it sure won't hurt to try."

"You're quite mistaken. I presume that such an exertion would prove extremely painful," the otter declared, arching a brow at Iosef's boldness.

"Well, then I guess it will. But remember, you're the ones expecting me to become a full-fledged Slayer before winter hits. If anything, extra effort can only move me along faster, right?"

Turning away from the bold mouse as if condemning his determination, Anchorclaw grinned privately. "Well," he muttered, striding back through the woods to the training grounds, "won't this be an interesting two months."

A/N: I did it! One step closer to real, bloody Sue-Slaying, and turning Iosef into a beast capable of creating such carnage! For those of you still interested - few as you may be - I thank you for your continued support. As always, reviews are welcome. Oh, and, if anyone noticed, I did take inspiration for the Slayer training from the fantastic Witcher books by Andrzej Sapkowski. If you're able to get your hands on them, I highly recommend picking them up. Stick around - Sues will soon know the bite of Slayer steel.