So, what will happen in this chapter?
Just so you don't wonder: In this story, Malik still has a father. And Malik hasn't got a yami. Yugi doesn't have one either.
//blah-blah// = thinking, just so you know.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!
Chapter 4
Malik's P.O.V
I was in my room and looked lost in thought out of my window. It was a sunny day. It reminded me of my home, Egypt. But I wasn't in Egypt anymore, because my father got a job at the museum here in Domino and my siblings, Ishizu and Odion, got one as well. So we had to change residence.
Today had been my first day at Domino High, but it hadn't been as bad as I'd thought it would be. Okay, it had got around that I was new and everybody had stared at me, but I didn't mind.
I already had found some friends. Yugi and... I didn't remember the other names. I only knew that they were gay (all besides the girl and Yugi). Now... that was funny, wasn't it? Only I knew about them was that they were gay, I didn't even know their names. Well...
And then, there was something that had confused me. Something that bothered me. It was the white-haired boy, Bakura. He was so... unfriendly. I didn't do anything to him. But, well, I did actually understand him if what the blonde boy had said was true. That his lover had left him. If somebody, in my case a girl, would leave me, I'd be sad and irritable, too, or so I thought.
But still... I didn't do anything to him. He could at least had said 'hi' or something like that. Instead, he had looked at me like he hated me like poison. He didn't even know me and hated me already. Great. Oh well...
But... somehow, I didn't get him out of my mind. It was like he was etched on my memory. Argh... I hold my head. Why did I see him? His face, how he looked at me through his dark, sad eyes... Why?
//Maybe... you've got a little crush//
"Never."
//But it's possible.//
"No, it isn't."
//Yes, it is. Perhaps it's like a sickness.//
"..."
//The gayness is like a flu. You were already to long around these 'guys'. You've caught.//
"My ass..."
//You know that it's true.//
"..."
//See.//
"No. I'm straight."
//Right...//
"Yes!"
//Don't make me laugh!//
"I don't have feelings for him! I don't have feelings for any male human being. I'm one hundred percent straight! I like women! Got that?"
//But you see him when you close your eyes, and even if you don't close them. You've been thinking about him almost all the time since you've seen him for the first time. There has to be a reason and we both know what I'm talking about.//
"You don't know anything!"
I realized what I was doing.
"Fuck! I'm talking to myself. And I'm not only talking, I'm arguing with myself... God, I'm gonna go insane..."
I rested my palm against my forehead. I wasn't gay. I was straight. Gayness wasn't something like a flu. What nonsense! You couldn't catch it. It's your decision to be gay... isn't it?
I sighed. Likely, I was just confused because of the new school and the new people and such things. Many things were running through my head, not only that unfriendly white-haired boy. Yes, I was just confused, but not gay. I shouldn't even think something like that. Dad would kill me if I would be gay. And I wouldn't test this. No, definitely not. With things like that, my father wasn't one to be trifled with. He had strict rules about what was to do and what was not to do in the Ishtar family. And these rules were centuries old, that's the reason why he respected them so much, because everyone before him in our family did and he wouldn't allow anybody, neither me nor my siblings, to break these rules. And he would certainly think that being gay was a shame.
But after all I wasn't gay, so I had nothing to worry about.
I sighed again and slumped on my bed. But yet I wondered why Bakura hated me. Maybe I'd find out some day...
Bakura's P.O.V
It was the next day. I was walking to school, thinking about... nothing. My mind was totally blank. I'd managed to not think about what I'd thought yesterday afternoon, evening and night. I didn't want to think about it and I couldn't allow it either.
After I'd compared the strange feeling, that I'd had the first time I'd seen Malik, with the strange feeling, that I'd had the first time I'd met Ryou, and I'd found similarities... Well, just say I didn't want to think about it. It just couldn't be the same. But still, it felt so same.
I shrugged. Even if it was the same feeling, it didn't has to mean the same, did it? And even if it did mean the same... I hated Malik. I hated him to the core. And if you hate somebody, you can't love him. That's the way it is.
I arrived at Domino High and as always Yugi and the others were waiting for me at the gate. The Egyptian wasn't here, fortunately.
As I reached the group, they greeted me, but they made no move to go into the school building.
"What are we waiting for?", I asked.
"We're waiting for Malik. The new student, remember?", Yugi said.
I rolled my eyes. "Well, if you don't object I'm going to my locker now", I told them, not wanting to wait for the Egyptian, and went off towards the entrance of the school.
As I glanced over my shoulder, I saw them exchanging irritated, concerned and puzzled looks. I shrugged and went to my locker and then to my first class, History. I sat down on my usual seat and rested my head on my hand.
I sighed. Soon, Malik would arrive in the classroom and he would sit down on Ryou's seat, like yesterday. And then, all my anger would come up again and I would have to make an effort to not go for his throat. And I would think of Ryou again, what I already did now, because I already thought of him. I just couldn't help doing it. The smallest odds and ends let me think of him, my deceased lover, over and over again.
Why couldn't I just accept that he was dead? That he would not come back. That he was gone for eternity. Why was everything so hard?
Maybe, it was my fault. Perhaps it had been the wrong decision to not take him to a hospital, to not bury him in a graveyard, to not tell my - his - our friends the truth. Maybe, I'd again made the wrong decision. Maybe he hadn't want to be free and to float in the ocean.
Somehow, everything was my fault. Really. If I hadn't been so... - how shall I put it? - obsessed of bedding him, than he couldn't have disappointed me and he hadn't have a reason to make me happy by jumping with me from the cliff. And if we hadn't jumped, he would still be here with me and not floating somewhere in the ocean.
Why did I always fuck everything up? My own life and Ryou's as well.
I felt that somebody sat down on the seat next to me, but I didn't want to look in his direction. I didn't want to see him sitting on Ryou's seat. I didn't want to see that bronzed face again.
But yet, I just had to look at him. I didn't know why, it was just an urge to see what he was doing.
So, I shot a glance at him. I felt a slight tingling sensation in my body, a tingling that started in my fingers and went through my whole body as I'd looked at the Egyptian boy next to me. It was weird.
I glanced at him and coincidentally he looked at me at the same moment. I felt the urge to look away quickly, but I didn't do it. Instead, our eyes locked for a moment or two. His curious, lavender eyes stared into my dark ones. I couldn't exactly tell what the expression on his face meant, but it had to be a mixture of curiosity, confusion and some other feelings as well. As I looked at my desk again, I wondered what Malik was thinking right now.
//Stop! I shouldn't wonder about something like that! I hate him, what means that I don't like him//, I started arguing with myself.
//But still...//
//No! Remember Ryou!//
//Ryou's dead...//
//Because of me...//
//It makes no difference who was responsible for that. Fact is, he isn't alive anymore and he won't come back. He's dead for about a month. Time to get over him.//
//No. Never. I promised.//
//But the promise doesn't matter anymore because he has already broken his. He'd promised to stay with me forever. And? Where is he now? Obviously not here.//
//...//
//Think about it. Malik looks interesting and interested. He looks nice, too...//
//I hate Malik, remember?! I do not like him.//
//But there's actually no reason to hate him.//
//Of course there is one. Uh...//
//There isn't one.//
//...But he's straight anyway.//
//It can be helped.//
I stopped arguing with myself now, because for one thing the teacher came in and for another thing arguing with yourself showed kinda insaneness.
The entire period, I didn't look at Malik again. I... was kinda frightened. Frightened of myself. Frightened about forgetting Ryou completely if I would like anybody else. No, I couldn't love anybody else anymore. I couldn't forget Ryou and I didn't want it either. I had promised him to love him forever and I would keep my promise.
Yes, it was true. I somehow had a little crush on Malik. I had the same feeling as when I'd met Ryou and there was this tingling in my whole body whenever I looked at him. Yes, I loved Malik, but I also hated him. I hated him for confusing me and my feelings. I simply didn't know what to feel, to think, to do...
That just freaked me out.
As soon as History was over, I ran out of the classroom, away from the person that confused me so much and I headed to my next class.
At lunch time, I sat down at the table in the cafeteria where we, meaning Yugi, the others and me, always sat. Malik came to the table, too. I didn't look at him, because then the tingling would come back and my feelings would be mad again.
I just stared at the table and chewed on my food, whatever it was. I listened to what the others and Malik were talking about. They laughed and joked, something they hadn't done for a while, what was probably my fault, because wherever I was, there was a sad atmosphere and nobody did dare to joke. But now, it was different. It was as if where Malik was, happiness was.
I didn't like that. That everybody was happy now, not sad and depressed and mourning like me, made me angry somehow. Had they already forgotten Ryou? okay, they didn't know that he was dead, but they knew that he had just gone away. Without any good-bye. Weren't they concerned somehow? Apparently not...
I was happy as lunch time was over and went to my next class.
After school, I met Yugi and the others at the gate.
"Hey, Bakura!", the tri-color haired boy said cheerfully, "Do you wanna go to the shopping center with us? We want to show it Malik. Are you coming with us?"
I shook my head. "No", I muttered. Then I turned and walked off home. On the way home, I thought, something I did really often lately.
I just couldn't decide, if I hated Malik now, or if I liked him. I came to the conclusion, that I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't, because I liked him.
But... I couldn't like him! I had to think of Ryou and the promise I've given him. I had to keep it. I couldn't like Malik. No way. It... was just so complicated.
It would be best to forget Ryou, but I wouldn't do that. I couldn't. He died because he tried to make me happy. He hadn't deserved to be dead. I couldn't allow myself to forget him. I had promised him to love him forever and I had to keep my promise, because I adored Ryou.
And then, there was Malik. I just knew him since yesterday. At the one hand I hated him and at the other hand I liked or loved him. I didn't know why, it simply was like that. And that was what confused me so much. I didn't know why I loved him, neither did I know why I hated him.
I arrived at my apartment, went in and slumped on my bed. Argh... what should I do? Did I hate Malik now or did I love him? Or at least like him like a friend? It was difficult to say.
Maybe I just should watch him for a while and decide then how I would go on. Yeah, I would just watch Malik a while and some time I would know if I hated or loved him...
Wow, now I'm just as confused as Bakura. ;)
Poor guy. On one hand he still loves Ryou and can't let go of him, because of his promise and because he feels guilty for what had happened and on the other hand he hates Malik but loves him at the same time. What shall he do? I wouldn't like to be in his shoes.
I really would be glad if more people would review to my chapters. It's frustrating if I get only few reviews (btw thanks for the reviews I got).
So please, just tell me if you like this story or not. One word would be enough.
Don't forget to review!!!
~Crystal of Moonlight~