I tossed my bag onto the floor of my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed. Yep, this shoot has completely diminished my love for getting dressed up and having people taking photos of me. No more modeling for Danielle, for now on I'm sticking to acting. And the less I see of Bram, the better. I stared at the wall next to my bed, not really focusing on anything. When did life come to this? I always tried to make every moment count when I knew I wasn't going to live long, but now that I'm healthy again, it seems like I was spending more and more time just sitting around. I give everything I do one hundred percent, but in between that I feel like a lump on a log. I shuffled out of my clothes and closed my eyes, trying to get some sleep before I go back down for dinner.
I rolled around on my bed, trying to get rid of the squirmy feeling in my stomach that came on whenever I felt like I was wasting my time in this world. All I wanted to do was get back to Erik. I took a few deep breaths and stretched, trying to get my muscles to unwind. What am I doing? I need a sign, something to show me what to do. So, naked and restless, I started pacing in my room. Good God, if my fans could see me now. I'd lose all reputation as a person worthy of fans. Whatever they're called. I feel like screaming. I want to scream. I put all of my power into my arms and did a cartwheel across my floor. I rubbed my eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time. I rolled my shoulders and flexed my muscles. Restless. Restless. Bored. What now? Do I start doing jumping jacks in my underwear? I opened my laptop and went to youtube, deciding to listen to music and dance, or something, I guess. I clicked on Applause by Lady Gaga. I don't really like the song so much as it's easy to dance to. I started moving my body to the beat, trying to burn as much energy.
"You should really see what you look like when your ass jiggles like that." I almost jumped a mile in the air. I spun around, what was he thinking? Popping into a girls' room like that. Der Tod was laying on his back with his head in my pillows looking as if he owned the place. I glared at him, but he gave me only a lovely smile in return.
"Out." I put my hands on my hips. He pouted his perfect lips and stood, revealing his full height, for me, around six foot five. It was different for everyone, he always needed to be taller than the person he was talking to, he liked being looked up to. He fluffed the pure golden waves that fell like the sea on the sand to his shoulders, fixing it as if it needed to be rearranged.
"Not happy to see me?"
"No. Now, unless you want to tell me what you want, get out of my house, even better, get out of my dimension; I don't have time to deal with your fuckery." He laughed, as he always did when I got mad and yelled at him. Apparently it was 'cute'.
"Oh, I thought that you might be happy to get back in action, what with all the fidgeting you were doing back there. Applause? How sad." It always through me for a loop whenever he referenced something modern. He made no effort to change how he looks, I know for a fact that he's worn the same velvet blue jacket, black buttondown, black pants tucked into black boots and sapphire brooch holding the top closed for centuries. He only ever wore white for Elisabeth. "Well, since you've decided to be boring I guess I'll tell you what I came for." Finally, I thought. "You need to come with me now." I felt all of my muscles tense up.
"No." He looked down at me like I was being a petulant child.
"Come, come, we don't have all day. I don't have time for this." He crossed his arms, trying to look menacing.
"Don't give me that shit, you have all the time you want, you just like rushing me." God, he acted like Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation. I can guess who the inspiration was. He huffed.
"You act like that's a bad thing. And stop monologuing about how horrible my personality is, I absorb the traits of the closest person." Bitch. "Now get dressed, we have more important things to worry about." Ugh.
"What now?" A smile crept onto his face. He threw his legs over the side of my bed and stalked over to me, eyes on my like a predator.
"You'll love it." He looked me up and down before a grin grew on his face. "But, as much as our intended would like it, I think you should cover up." After a moment of disorientation I looked down to the dark blue dress that mimicked his suit, right down to the sapphire brooch pinned at my throat. I didn't even want to consider what I would see when I looked in the mirror. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from yelling at him.
"Let's get this over with." He held his arms open for me. I stepped into his embrace and watched as the shadows contorted and quivered before surrounding us and blocking out the light, like an eclipse of the sun.
ERIK
I woke with a start, the image of shoving that young upstart off of my Danielle. The rage in my stomach boiled. He was everything I was not. He was handsome, undamaged, and his face is perfect. His skin was the color of rich caramel while mine was hardly more than translucent, he was obviously the better choice for Danielle, her exotic beauty looked natural next to his. Not to mention the stubble on his cheeks marked that he was able to grow a proper beard, something this detestable face had made impossible for me. What was a man without a beard to mark it? The living proof was that fop Raoul.
Danielle would have laughed at that. She had always thought making jokes about one's person were the most enjoyable. I thought hard, before realizing I could hardly remember what her laugh sounded like. Tears once again filled my eyes as I wept for the loss of my only love. I looked at the small photo of her I kept close on my desk. Her sweet face looked back at me. I could almost hear her now, begging me not to forget her, lest I lose every inch of her that I loved. I could feel all the broken pieces of my heart splinter.
"Erik?" I didn't move as I heard a small voice call my name. Where had all my solitude gone? Now I was being constantly called on, by name at that. I rubbed my eyes, trying to dispel the tears and give a reason for why they were red.
I looked to the entrance, Christine came down the steps to my home. I had always hoped that I would never have to find out what annoying neighbors were like. "What can I do for you?" She walked over, silently, and sat next to me. Danielle would do that, were she here.
"In a few months the opera is going to open and Madame Giry has told me you haven't sent her one note. You are worrying us." Thank God she didn't beat around the bush as she used to.
"I'm entitled to some peace every once in a while, am I not? I own this Opera now! I do not appreciate being told what to do." She opened her mouth, to say something I was expecting. "I know Danielle would not want me to sit down here all day wallowing, but I think she would understand why!" Still talking in the past tense. I wonder who I should tell that I'm dreaming of her? Was I catching glimpses of her in the afterlife? The lifeless dance, the burned forest, had my love condemned her to hell? I tuned out Christine's lecture; the horror rose in my heart, of course that was her punishment for loving a demon like me. Her pretty soul, laid bare to dance forever in Hell. I think I am about to be sick.
"Erik, what's wrong?" Her small white hand urgently grabbed my shoulder.
"I wish to be alone now." The disgust was rolling in my stomach like an unsettling dinner. Christine looked at me, clearly concerned. Maybe at one point I would've cared what she thought, but not now. I pulled away from her, heading for where I kept my cloak and hat. Christine followed me.
"Where are you going? It's the middle of the day!" She was slowly annoying me, as if she knew what was best for me, this ungrateful wretch who would have me killed at the hands of a mob. I pulled my cloak on and covered my face with my hat. Christine caught my wrist. "You will be spotted!" I twisted my arm out of her small hand and grabbed her small wrists, tossing her away from me, with little force, just enough to send her stumbling.
"Forgive me if I don't listen to the advice of a viper such as yourself." I hissed at her. I turned and made my way easily through the tunnels towards the stables where I kept my horse. He turned his great black eyes to me as I walked in, and for a moment I was reminded of the time I first brought her to my home and how she had sat, at first unsurly upon his great back before she found her balance by, to my amusement, pitching with a leg on either side of Cesar's back, like a man. How she had laced her fingers through his mane and gently held on, clearly fearing to hurt him. We had sung together; how I missed her voice entwined with mine, what I would give for once chance to sing with her again. Quickly I mounted Ceasar and we were running through the streets of Paris. Hardly paying attention to the other people milling about in the street, I sped through the carts and carriages, my destination the only thing in my mind. The gates of the cemetery passed in a blur as I went from row to row making my way to her grave. I saw the great sculpted wings first, looming over the green grass and stone markers.
I pulled on the reins and jumped off. Cesar was smart, he stepped away from the graves and began to graze, leaving me to my thoughts.I felt my breath coming fast as I walked up to the statue. After Danielle died I threw myself into sculpting this statue that would be added to the one I had sculpted for Blaise. The image of Danielle twined her arms around her stone companion, kneeling behind him in the beautiful white dress she had worn for Hannibal all those years ago. Their eyes looked as if they held a secret they refused to tell the onlooker, Blaise with his eyes ahead, and Danielle with hers looking sideways at him with that mischievous quirk of her lips that I loved so. She looked like she had snuck up behind him, as she had tried to so many times with me, arms slightly crossed and out in front on them while Blaise sat with his legs crossed, hand on cheek, and smiling. That is how it looks when you love someone. I dug my fingers into my palm and remembered how absurd my jealousy was, for two people who were dead.
I was disgusted with myself. I had worked her to death and now I was defiling her memory with my petty jealousy. I was the worst. How could I go on without her? She deserved so much better, if I hadn't been so selfish and let her freely fall in love with that Henri or even Raoul, she would've spent her days in happiness, maybe she would've even had a beautiful, perfect baby. A strong boy or a little girl with her eyes. Our girl. If Danielle and I had wed, she would have lived pampered, we would get the best doctors to help ease her birth and she would bring to us a perfect little girl, she would look like Danielle and we would give her a name as beautiful and perfect as she was. Genevieve. She would learn how to sing and play the piano, and when she had mastered that I would teach her the violin, the harp, the flute, anything she needed to know, we would teach her. We would then have two boys, unruly and smart mouthed, only being tamed by their mother who would make them chop wood when they were 'acting like their heads were made of wood, maybe that would get through to them'. But we would laugh and pull them in before they grew blisters and each have a slice of Chocolate cake before dinner to make sure they knew we loved them. Then, while Danielle made dinner, the children and I would take up our instruments and play melodies to keep her entertained.
It was a wonderful dellution, I would sometimes let myself get caught up in it, maybe it was the only way to keep Danielle with me. The girl who cleaned the opera box. I thought of her little body reaching, on tip-toe, to get the cobwebs from the ceiling. She would make the most annoyed faces, and mutter why things were so high up. I could feel my stomach churning, I knew I should have eaten, I just never feel the hunger gnawing at me anymore, after a while I would feel dizzy and weak, but never the pain of hunger. She wouldn't want this. I know she wouldn't want me to do this to myself, but I couldn't bring myself to be any less lethargic. Soon the ground began to wobble out of focus and I sank down and closed my eyes, my back to the grave. It would pass, it always did. I would leave when I was able. I pulled the brim of my hat low so if someone came through, they would dismiss me as a regular grieving friend. I let my legs stretch out in the grass. For a moment the world was quiet.
The soft shifting of grass pulled me from the daze I had been lost in. It was hard to open my eyes, they seemed to sag down. Danielle looked down at me. She wore a long blue and black dress with a high collar and a large sapphire brooch at her throat. The dress held her snugly around her small waist and, strangest of all, she wore black gloves. She despised gloves, she insisted they made her hands itch and would always take them off. I reached for her, she reached for me. Her hands were solid and warm. I could hardly move my body, tears came fast to my eyes. She looked so sad. How could I have made her sad? I was selfish wishing her away from her peace to my side. She smiled a sad smile then and opened her mouth to sing.
"How could I know I would have to leave you?
How could I know I would hurt you so?
You were the one I was born to love.
Oh, how could I ever know?
How could I ever know?" Her haunting voice sent a chill up my spine. Earlier I could hardly remember her voice, and now I wonder how I could have forgotten. She kneeled and brushed a tear away with her thumb.
"How can I say to go on without me?
How, when I know you still need me so?
How can I say not to dream about me?
How could I ever know?
How could I ever know?" She sounded so distraught, her hand slipped from my face to my heart, just a small weight of her hand on my heart eased the pain. The dizziness faded to the back of my mind and I could feel my strength returning to my limbs.
"Forgive me.
Can you forgive me
And hold me in your heart,
And find some new way to love me
Now that we're apart?" She pulled her hand away, but I caught it, kneeling now in front of her.
"How could I know I would never hold you?
Never again in this world, but oh,
Sure as you breathe, I am there inside you,
How could I ever know?
How could I ever know?" I held her tight in my arms, unwilling to ever let go again.
"How can I hope to go on without you?
How can I know where you'd have me go?
How can I bear not to dream about you?
Oh, how can I let you go?" Now she was crying, I never wanted her to cry. I ran my hands over her face, through her hair. She was with me. She was here.
"How could I ever know?" She laced her fingers through mine.
"All I need…"
"Is there in the Opera." She sang to me.
"All I would ask…" I began again.
"Is care for the songs of our love!" I echoed the last words. Our love.
"Come, go with me, safe I will keep you." She pulled me to my feet, away from the grave.
"Where you would lead me,
There I would,"
"There I would, there we would," I could feel the music swell around us. I felt alive. She held my hands at arms length.
"There we will go.
Oh! How could I know?
Tell me how could I know?
Never to know you would ever leave me!
How could we know?" I pulled her in, determined to make her stay, this ghost of my love, selfish as it was. Our voices swelled and rolled, making the ground shake and the sky to light. How could I sing without her? I looked down, into her eyes. He stood on her toes and quickly pecked me on the lips.
She slipped out of my arms and walked backwards, our hands still clasped. Too soon our arms ran out and she let go. "How Could I Ever Know?" She blew another kiss and faded from sight as the melodies left the air. Once again I was left standing alone next to the grave of the woman I loved as sad tunes of times gone by danced through my mind.
Yeah, long time, no update. I'm sorry again, I promised regular updates and it gets to be months later. I'm just swamped in homework at a college level and this is right in the middle of midterms. I can't promise anything, but that this story will not, I repeat, NOT be abandoned. How Could I Ever Know is from The Secret Garden, I don't know who did the music. I do recommend looking it up on youtube, the song is beautiful and it is sung by Mandy Patinkin, Inigo from The Princess Bride. Erik belongs to Leroux and Webber, story and Danielle to me. Leave me feedback!