Title: Phone Call - Reunion (4/6)
Author: Lisa M
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye
Rating: Mfor some very bad words and sexual situations
Disclaimer: Nope...don't own anything. Don't sue...no money. I stole 1 line from Brokeback Mountain...but I still don't own it.
Archive: Anywhere...just let me know.
Feedback: Would be, like, totally awesome!
Summary: Sometimes, reunions are difficult...
A/N: No beta...any errors are mine, and I apologize for them.
A/N2: Ok everyone. You're going to have to bear with me in this section of the story. It is going to be told in a very different way than the previous parts. This section is going to be excerpts from a letter that BJ writes to Peg. And the rest is in first person, BJ's POV. Oh and the tenses shift a lot - I suck at tenses. I'm really sorry for the change, but this part was very difficult to write and doing it this way made it easier. Forgive me? Enjoy!
Dear Peg,
I'm not really sure why I'm writing to you. I guess it's because there's no one else. Please don't take that the wrong way. I only meant that you're the one person in the world that I know I can turn to. I really don't have any idea what I'm doing anymore and it's killing me...
There is very little turbulence during the flight, but I swear I feel sicker and sicker the closer to Maine I get. There are so many thoughts...and even more questions...floating around in my head that I am starting to get the spins. It feels as though the entire plane is swirling around in the sky and I am powerless to stop it. I know this feeling. I feel drunk...and not in the good way I'd come to enjoy while in Korea.
Korea.
All those years ago. It seems as though a lifetime has passed since I left that place, but it hasn't even been a full decade yet.
The only thing I can do to calm myself is to pull the faded, dog-eared, black and white picture from my breast pocket. I force my mind to focus on the day that picture had been taken. I can't stop myself from smiling.
There we were. The two of us. Standing together as if nothing could ever separate us. Someone suggested a picture. We laughed and agreed that, yes, that was a great idea. Right before the click of the camera sounded, Hawkeye had leaned in closer and said something to me. I had to search through all the saved moments in my memory for the words Hawk'd uttered in that split second before the snap of the picture. When they finally come to me, I feel my smile lift into my eyes. And I chuckle.
"I want you so bad right now," Hawkeye had hissed seductively.
The photographer had caught my shocked expression, along with Hawkeye's large and satisfied grin. I started laughing out loud, remembering what we'd done later that night.
The pilot announces that we are going to be arriving in Maine within 15 minutes. So, I secure myself in my seat, and, after glancing at the picture one last time, return it to my pocket. I glance out the window and watch as the plane descends through the puffy white clouds and into the crystal clear Maine sky.
Bright blue. Just like Hawk's eyes.
Why does life have to be so difficult? Sometimes I just don't understand. All those years I wanted to see Hawkeye, Peg. I missed him so much. Why, then, when the plane landed in Maine, couldn't I get out of my seat? I felt numb. My legs wouldn't move. I was the last person off.
I really wish someone could explain things to me so that they would make sense.
"BJ fucking Hunnicutt!"
I swear, just the sound of his voice gives me the shivers. I turn around and there he is.
"Hawk."
Hawkeye Pierce rushes up to me, a large smile on his face, arms stretched wide open. I open my own arms in return and pull my friend into a fierce hug. My body begins to react to Hawkeye almost immediately, but I force the desire down. I didn't come here just to have sex with this man.
Or maybe I did.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I want anymore.
The only thing I do know, is that right now, I want to stay in Hawkeye's arms for as long as I possibly can. Unfortunately, we have to separate. We're in an airport, after all. Hawkeye backs away slightly, but retains his hold on my arms.
"God, look at you, Beej!" Hawkeye gathers me into the circle of his arms again. "You are a sight for sore eyes."
"Don't give me that, Hawk." I, regrettably, pull back this time. I slide my gaze over my friend. "Sore eyes? Please. You look great! If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were getting younger as the years pass."
"I can guarantee you that's not the case." Hawkeye laughs and grabs my luggage. "Come on. Let's get you home."
"Lead on, my friend."
I feel as though the air around me is lifting me from my feet. Like I'm floating above the ground. Within minutes, we're on our way to Hawkeye's house.
The first week was so hard, Peg. Hawk had rounds and responsibilities that he had to attend to. I had the choice of either staying home, alone...or going with him. I chose to go, of course. It was good to see that he was still an excellent doctor. I assisted him on a few occasions. It felt good to work together again, side by side, just like we had over there. But something was definitely off between us. Things felt so strange, uncomfortable. I didn't expect for things to go back to, whatever it was that we had previously had together. I knew there would be a period of adjustment, I just didn't realize it would take as long as it did.
We barely spoke of anything other than work...either his or mine. The only time Hawkeye mentioned Christine was after I asked when I was going to get to meet the lucky woman that had captured his heart. Hawk simply said that she was in Chicago at some sort of sales convention and that she'd be back in ten days.
But I'd hear them on the phone each night. She always called at 10:00 on the dot. I'd lay here in bed and listen to Hawk tell her how good it was to have me here. But his words rang so hollow in my ears. It sounded as if he was trying to convince himself of something that wasn't true...
It was so uncomfortable, that I was convinced I had definitely made a mistake in coming here.
A soft knock on my bedroom door wakes me from my sleep. I glance at the clock. 12:45am.
"Beej? It's me. You awake?" Hawkeye's voice is hesitant. "Can I come in?"
"Of course." I flip on the bedside lamp and prop myself up on my elbows. "Come on in."
The door swings open and there stands Hawkeye. He's wearing a red robe...almost identical to the one he wore in Korea. My breath catches in my throat. Hawkeye follows my gaze down to his robe and smiles.
"Old habits die hard."
"I guess so."
"Beej, we need to talk."
"I know."
"Things have been so...strained between us since you got here."
"I noticed."
"I didn't expect this to be so difficult."
"Me neither." I sigh and lay back against the bed. "Any thoughts on why?"
"Actually, yes. I think I may have figured things out."
"I'm sure as hell glad one of us has," I snap and regret it immediately. This isn't Hawkeye's fault. "I'm sorry, Hawk. I didn't mean that. I'm just so..."
"I understand." Hawkeye crosses the floor and lowers himself onto the corner of the bed.
"So, what's your theory?"
Hawkeye doctor runs his fingers though his now completely silver hair. And for the first time in a week, I realize that he looks tired. Exhausted. Unraveled. His hands are shaking slightly.
"I guess I'm afraid of going back. I keep waiting for the first shoe to drop, you know. Like, any minute...wham!...and we'll be back there."
"I know what you mean, Hawk. But not everything was bad..." I respond quietly.
"I know that, Beej," Hawkeye says and reaches out for my hand. It's the first time we've touched since the day in the airport. "And that's what brought me here, to your door, tonight."
Hawkeye leans in closer to my face.
"Can I kiss you?"
Those were the same words Hawkeye said to me that night...in the supply tent...the first time we kissed. I smile at the memory.
"You better."
That was our first night together in almost ten years.
Light pouring through the sheer curtains drags me, fighting, from my sleep. As I slowly come back to reality, I realize that Hawkeye is next to me, still wrapped tightly in my arms. His cheek presses warmly against my chest. His slow, steady breathing echoes the rise and fall of my own.
It wasn't a dream.
I press my face into his hair and inhale deeply. He smells exactly as I remember. Not of the blood or the gore, but the underlying Hawkeye that I grew to love while stuck in hell.
Hawkeye stirs awake. I feel his arms weave their way around my body.
"I've missed you so much, Beej." His face tilts up to mine.
"Me too," I whisper against his lips. "God, me too."
The days moved forward. Hawk and I spent every waking moment together. He showed me around Crabapple Cove, introduced me to all of his friends. "This, is my best friend in the entire world, BJ." That's what he'd say, and I swear it made my heart leap whenever I heard those words come out of him.
The nights were spent in each other's arms.
There were times when we just would lay together and say nothing. I think those were the best moments. Just Hawkeye and me and the comfortable silence that is only possible between two people who know everything about each other and love each other regardless of knowing everything about each other.
Does that make sense? I'm not so sure that it does, but there's no other way for me to describe it.
Those ten days felt a little bit like Heaven, Peg. But then things started to change.
"Christine's coming home today."
I keep my eyes on my breakfast and nod.
"I have to pick her up at the airport. Her flight comes in at 3:00."
"Okay," I say, making a feeble attempt at sounding cheery. "So, what time do you think you'll be back?"
"Sometime around 5:00." Hawkeye's tone tells me that he knows how I'm feeling. "Dinner time."
"I can cook..."
"No, don't go through all that trouble, Beej." He stands and begins clearing the table. "I've already made some reservations at a local place. I'll need to drive her back home after dinner. I'll give you directions to get to the restaurant, if you don't mind meeting us there."
"I don't mind." But I did mind. I wasn't ready for this. Wasn't ready to share him again so soon.
"Hawk?"
"Uh huh?" Hawkeye is standing at the sink, not looking at me.
"What are you going to tell her?"
"About?"
"Us."
"Beej," he replies and turns to face me. "She already knows. I've never lied to her...about anything."
I jump to my feet and cross the kitchen to where he's standing.
"You mean, she's known what we've been doing this whole time?"
"Yes."
"She's not mad?"
"Was Peg mad when she found out?"
"Sort of...well, actually, no. I guess she wasn't." I lean against the counter next to him. "When she overhead our telephone conversation, I think originally she was mad. Not because of this, but because I had been lying to her for all these years. We talked about it a little and she told me that maybe she had possibly always known about us."
Hawkeye nods.
"When I met Christine, I knew I wanted to be with her. Once things got serious, I realized that I shouldn't start my life with her without telling her everything. I wasn't sure how to bring it up. But I think she knew I had something to tell her, and one night, out of the blue, she asked me if I'd ever been in love before. That was the door opening for me to talk about you. I thought she'd be upset, or freak out, but she didn't. Christine actually told me that she understood. I think she said 'Sometimes, when you're in a bad place, you need to find something to keep you whole'. After you called to say you were coming here so soon, I explained to her that I felt I needed to spend some time alone with just you." He pauses and places his hand against my cheek. "She told me to do whatever I needed to do and that she'd support me."
"Peg said the same thing when I left. She told me we'd work on us when I was ready."
"Well, my friend, it seems as though you and I have found two of the most understanding women in the entire world."
"I guess so."
And, for the first time in ten days, an uncomfortable silence descended on the house, and us. It was in this moment that I knew things were about to change.
Is it horrible of me to say that I tried to hate Christine? I really did. I wanted to hate her so much. She was, after all, the one person that had found a way into Hawkeye's heart...the heart the had belonged to me, alone, for so long.
But I don't hate her. I can't hate her.
She is Hawkeye's match in every way. Generous, funny, beautiful. Understanding, to a fault. She even told me that Hawkeye once said that she reminded him of me. I guess that gives me some peace. To know that, in the end, he chose a woman who he thinks is like me. Who reminds him of me.
It still hurts though.
Christine did not stay at the house with us. She said that we needed out time together before the wedding. I still can't figure out why she allowed this. Just one more thing to love about her I guess. Her undeniable trust in Hawkeye.
But still, things weren't the same once she came back.
Things began to change almost immediately. Not on the surface, but below that. I'm my mind...in my heart.
Every time Hawkeye and I slept together, I felt another part of me slip away. Or I guess, a better way to describe it is a part of me coming back. Back to the pre-war, pre-Korea BJ Hunnicutt.
I fought it at first, but as Hawkeye's wedding date approached, I began to surrender to it. Hawkeye felt it too, I think. I could feel the gap widening between us. It hurt, just like it always does, but it got easier as the days rolled on.
We touched less. Spoke less. And eventually, this thing between us, became nothing more than sex.
My heart still held onto my love for him. I don't know that it would even be possible for that to ever go away. Hawkeye is and always will be a part of me. It's just that the raw wound that had remained open since we left each other in Korea, had started to heal.
The night before the wedding, was the last night we spent together. As we lay there, on my bed, sweaty and sated, I knew this was goodbye. For good. No one was to blame. It was just time. When I knew he was asleep, I kissed him on the forehead and slipped out of the bed.
Then I did the one thing I thought I'd never do. I snuck into Hawkeye's room and retrieved the only thing I had ever given him...
My dog tags.
Tears ran down my face as I picked them up and replaced them with the ones I'd been wearing since the day I left Korea. The ones he'd given me. I bent forward and gently pressed my lips to the thin pieces of metal...
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MD - United States Army
...then closed the lid to his storage box. Hawkeye wouldn't even notice mine were gone...not for a while anyway. I slipped my own tags over my neck and exited Hawkeye's room.
I left and found a hotel room. I spent the rest of that night alone with my thoughts and this pen and paper. It killed me to leave him like that, but the one bit of solace I have is that I know he won't be angry. He knew I was going without me having to say a word.
We've always been like that, Hawk and I. And I'm thankful for him being in my life. I want him to be happy...and he is. I will stand by his side, tomorrow, as he moves forward. But, it's time for us...for me...to move on.
TBC