The next morning, Katara laid in bed long after she had woken up. She thought about the kiss, about what it meant, both what it could mean and what it firmly defined.
She knew she couldn't go back to Aang now.
What concerned her was how things would proceed with Zuko. She had never thought of her feelings for anyone else, not after Jet. It seemed to be neatly tied up that she would settle with Aang. After all, what other man could there be for the most powerful Waterbender who had helped save the world? What other man than the Avatar?
Possibly the Fire Lord who had also helped save the world?
Katara shoved herself out of the bed with a pained groan. As she pushed through the tapestry, she wasn't completely surprised to see Chang seated on the couch.
"Good morning Lady Katara." Chang said as Katara plodded to the couch adjacent to the older woman and sat down.
"Good morning Chang." Katara looked and found a tray placed on the table. So she was not expected to dine with the Fire Lord.
"I hope you slept well?" Chang asked. Katara slid off the couch wordlessly and knelt at the table. "A few pieces of information that you may find of interest."
"Yes?" Katara said as she picked up a spoon and swirled the small bowl of broth.
"After General Iroh left and with the winter season upon us, the Fire Lord reduced the size of his household. As one of his trusted head servants, I was left in charge of selecting the few members we would retain until the return of either his uncle or the spring. As I am often found wanting by certain types of people, I kept only the ones who were sympathetic to me, or I to them." As Chang spoke, Katara ate her breakfast, putting together the importance of what the woman was saying.
"Now, at your arrival, the Fire Lord has the ability to suspend his visiting and can reduce his household even further. This would leave only a few servants to attend to you at any given time and you may be left alone for long stretches of the day, which grieves me to no end."
"Why are you telling me this Chang?" Katara asked as she eyed the woman.
"I have a weakness for charming Fire Nation men." Katara coughed out a laugh and looked down at the tray.
"Apparently, so do I."
"If you can assure me that you will strive to handle your needs on your own, I can make this recommendation to the Fire Lord." Chang finished and Katara went silent. She could feel the chill from last night seep into her again.
"I think I can manage with fewer servants around." She said. Chang stood and moved to the door.
"I will relay this to the Fire Lord." She said and quickly stepped out into the hall, closing the door being her.
Katara's heart began to pound.
By the time Chang returned, Katara had finished her breakfast and managed to bathe. She found clothing in the wardrobe that took up the entire back wall of her wash room, and had enjoyed seeing the attempts of Fire Nation seamstresses at recreating Water Tribe styles.
"Lady Katara, the Fire Lord has requested the honor of your presence." Chang said and bowed. Katara laced her fingers together and squeezed her hands.
"Yes, of course." She said. She needed to talk to him about last night. She needed him to know that she couldn't entertain such a tryst. It would hurt Aang.
Emry.
Katara scowled as she followed Chang out into the hallway and tried to shake away the thought.
This was not about revenge.
Katara moved quickly to keep up with Chang as they wound their way through the maze of the palace. They stopped at a new door and, instead of knocking, Chang opened the door.
They had ended up in a study. The walls were covered by bookshelves and there was a large table in the center of the room that was taken up by a map. Under a window was a set of couches and a chair, all facing each other in preparation of a conversation.
Zuko stood next to the table with the map. He was wearing blue, but a deeper hue that reminded Katara of the twilight sky instead of any ocean. Chang bowed as Katara walked into the room, but stepped back into the hall before closing the door.
"Katara." Zuko said and she rushed to him. She was in his arms and he had one hand in her hair and one arm around her waist. Her hands were on his chest but as they kissed again, she slid them up over his shoulders.
She needed his warmth. She felt chilled to the core of her being but it was being chased by the heat of him.
Again, Zuko pulled back and brushed his lips against her neck. She gasped and he suddenly squeezed her tightly.
"I am going to fall to pieces Katara, if you keep doing that." His words were mumbled as she could feel his lips form them against her skin. She shivered and Zuko groaned. He lifted her and turned, setting her down gently on the table.
"I was worried you wouldn't want me." He said and moved back, resting his hands on either side of her legs.
"I shouldn't want you."
"But you do?"
"Zuko."
"Katara, I can't care about shouldn't right now. I just need to know if you do."
"Yes." Her voice was so soft, she thought she perhaps hadn't spoken aloud at all. Zuko moved closer to her and lowered his head so that it rested on her shoulder. Katara put her arms around his neck and laid her hands on his back.
"Why?" He repeated her question from last night back to her.
"Because you're you Zuko." He raised his head and his face was right next to hers.
"What about Aang?" He asked.
"What about Mai?" Katara snapped.
"No games Katara. Not between us." Katara sighed and put her forehead to his.
"I can't be with him anymore. But," She said and Zuko shushed her.
"We aren't going to worry about us right now." He said.
"So what about Mai?" She asked again.
"I can't be with her anymore." He said.
"Zuko, I don't know how I feel about you." Zuko pulled himself away enough to look her in her eyes.
"That's fine. I know how I feel about you. So you tell me how far this goes and I'll make sure I get as close to that line as possible." He said and she laughed.
"I love your laugh." He said and kissed her again.
Everything below her stomach jumped, but Katara just pulled herself closer to Zuko. He still had not moved his hands, so she pushed her legs out just a little wider. Zuko moved to grab her, and his fingers pressed into her thighs. She gasped again and he faltered, collapsing into her.
"You're killing me." He said and Katara laughed again.
"Sorry." She said and he kissed her collarbone. As he moved up her throat, Zuko moved his hands to around her back and pulled her closer. Barely keeping herself conscious, Katara took one hand and untied the small ribbon that held back Zuko's hair. As the black curtain of his hair fell forward, Katara could smell the faint perfume of his soap. She curled her fingers in the long strands and a noise rumbled out from deep in Zuko's throat.
"Zuko?" Katara said and freed her hand.
"Yes?"
"I, well, I'm still." Katara shifted and stuttered. Zuko stood up and looked at her, his face very serious.
"You haven't?" He asked. Katara blushed and shook her head. "Is it okay that I have?" Katara felt her stomach seize and she stared down at the edge of the map beneath her.
"I mean, in theory." Zuko tilted her face up by her chin and kissed her, delicately.
"Come here." He said and helped Katara down off the table. He held her hand as they walked to the couches and he pulled her down to sit next to him.
"I would hope you know by now that I won't hurt you."
"Of course."
"And you know that I respect you."
"Yes."
"So please forgive me, but just relax and enjoy this without doing that thing you do." Katara bristled and glared at him.
"What thing?" She asked.
"When you overthink things and turn them into very real issues."
"I just don't want to be…"
"What?"
"Disappointing."
"Well you can never be that."
"But, what you want-"
"I didn't expect any of this so I'm pretty much just taking this as it goes. It really isn't that complicated." Katara scoffed.
"It really is that simple for you, isn't it?"
"It really is." She fell silent and she watched him watching her. His eyes wavered around her, moving like a teardrop down her face; following the line of her nose, around the full curve of her lip, and swinging out to trace the line of her chin. As he continued to gaze lower, Katara blushed and looked away.
"Oh no," Zuko said as he grabbed her wrist. "I won't let you turn away from me." Before she could look back, Zuko pulled her down and into him. Her face hit his chest as his other arm hugged her. He buried his face in her hair.
They stayed like that for a few moments, positioned awkwardly but feeling no discomfort. Katara squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think. When did this happen? How had this happened?
What was supposed to come next?
Katara remembered Ba Sing Se. She remembered the day she stopped the rain. She remembered the founding of Republic City.
"What are you thinking about ?" He asked her. At the moment that she shifted to get more comfortable, he unwound himself from her. They moved like fluid, always touching, till she laid against him.
"The first time I wondered if you, had feelings for me."
"Tell me." His hand began to lightly stroke up and down her arm, and it took her mind a few seconds to tick forward.
It had been one of the first times since the coronation that they had all been there. Toph, Sokka, Zuko, Aang, Katara, even Suki was there. But it was a political thing, because nothing less than that would have been able to manage that miracle.
It was a groundbreaking ceremony in Republic city. The spot they had selected was the foundation for the council building that would administer to the world at large. As expected, Aang was the one to actually create the first hole in the ground. As he took the time to bask in the applause, Toph decided she was bored and – having been informed of the dimensions of the plan prior – literally put her foot down. The shock caused Aang to drop the mound of earth he had hovering over him. Before he could react, Toph snapped her wrists out and pushed down. The earth under them all sank several feet and they shouted as they fell in a heap.
Noise and clamor nearly drowned out the raucous laughter of the Blind Bandit. Nearly, but not quite. Aang, annoyed at being the butt of a joke, and in public no less, burst out of the whole and began to clean himself off.
"You stayed in the hole with me." Katara said finally. Zuko's hand paused, but he resumed stroking Katara's arm lightly with his fingers.
"What, in Republic City?"
"Yeah, when Toph almost buried us."
"To be fair, I was initially slow getting out because the Fire Lord's robes are awful and tangle easily." Katara laughed and covered her face with her hands. She could remember the robes, with the large curving shoulder pads.
The young Fire Lord had quickly set a new fashion trend but those first few years were awful.
"It wasn't the robes that made you break my fall though." Katara said, still hiding her face behind her hands.
Zuko, high strung and anxious in public, had been the only one to react when the earth began to fall away under their feet. But instead of moving out of the way, he had darted forward and grabbed Katara by the middle.
After they had fallen, Katara had gasped when her back struck the ground. Her head had slammed into the much softer spot of Zuko's shoulder.
"Are you hurt?" He said. Urgently, almost frantic. She had been so annoyed that she hadn't noticed at first.
Not until later, when they were all eating dinner.
"That really wasn't funny Toph, we could have gotten really hurt." Suki said once the conversation had circled back to the events of the day.
"It was kind of funny." Sokka said quietly as he stabbed at the solid pieces in his stew. Suki glared at him, which he surely felt as Katara could remember him pursing his lips and looking intently into his bowl.
"But no one was hurt. So it's fine." Aang said as he reclined on his cushion and tossed orbs of fruit at Momo.
"Katara completely lost her footing, she's lucky that Zuko managed to grab her." Suki said, her voice curt and clipped.
"It's what Zuko does. After taking a shot of lightning to the chest, what's a little fall down a pit?" Sokka quipped and shoveled his fork into his mouth. At that, Aang stopped and glanced down the table. He had sat at the head, with Toph at the other end. On his left side was Sokka and Suki. On his right was Katara and Zuko.
Katara had looked at Zuko then, and he had looked away.
"So is that just what you do, save me?" She lowered her hands as she asked her question and she felt Zuko's chest jump under her cheek.
"I barely save you. The only thing I can do is take whatever damage I can to make sure you can do what you need to do." He sounded almost glib. Katara frown and craned her neck back to look up at him.
"You mean more to me than a shield Zuko."
"And what do I mean to the Painted Lady, Scourge of the Fire Nation?" Katara bristled.
"Isn't the Fire Lord the embodiment of the Fire Nation?"
"Of course. I am the sun." Zuko replied.
"So am I your scourge?" She asked.
"Oh most definitely." Zuko flipped her back and Katara shrieked. He settled over her, his hair falling down on either side of his face. "You have always been the sweetest flail to bite in my life."
Katara coughed out a laugh and Zuko cracked a smile. He laid on her as they both broke into hysterics.
When they settled, Zuko didn't move, but neither did he try to look at her.
"Hey." Katara said and shifted under him. Zuko picked up his head. "Kiss me."
He did. This time, Katara caught his lower lip between her teeth and tugged gently. He moaned into her mouth and a shock wriggled through her. Pushing upward, Katara kissed him harder and felt him push back with all of him.
Her hands were in his hair again. His were under her hips. When she could breathe, her breath came out in hot puffs as Zuko kissed down her neckline.
His hands were tugging down her robe. Hers were sliding up his back under the soft spun shirt. His mouth was in pieces; she could feel the separate touches of his lips and his tongue. With her fingers, she traced the soft lines of his muscles.
Her hands grabbed onto his shoulders as he bit softly at the top of one breast. His hands responded by sliding under her head and gripping fistfuls of her hair.
"Kiss me." He said as he came back to her face. She strained upward to lightly brush his mouth with hers.
Her chest heaved as she took in shallow breaths. She was bound, as most women from her tribe were, the coarse spun linen wrapped around her chest tightly. It kept the warmth in.
But now, as her heart burned, sending liquid fire streaming through her veins, she was too hot. Her robe, silk the color of the swirling arctic sea, tried to cascade down the edge of the couch. Only a wide belt, tied loosely, with its knot askew and being pressed into her hip, kept the run in check.
"I know you live in the ice Katara, but do you have to be so frigid?"
Katara's eyes snapped open and she shoved Zuko off her.
"Too fast." She said as Zuko tumbled onto the hardwood floor.
"What happened?" He said as he snapped back up, kneeling beside her. Katara swung her legs over and sat up, pulling her robe back up over her bare shoulder. "Katara? Are you ok?"
"I can't." Katara stood and made to move to the door, save that Zuko grabbed her hand.
"Is this a time when you say you want to be alone but it would be best if you weren't?" He asked, not looking at her.
"I'll come back." She said.
He let her go.
She burned.
As she clattered her way out of the room, Chang found her quickly. They moved deftly through the halls, taking some Katara had never seen before. Then she was in her rooms and Chang was shutting the door softly after her.
Through the wash room, like a labyrinth, was another room. The walls looked as though they were carved straight into a mountain. It was cool here, and water trickled in unseen places. A sluice hung at the back wall.
Ripping the cloth from her fevered body, Katara stood under the sluice. She pulled a cord to open the valve and water came pouring over her.
Fathoms, I am so stupid. – Katara thought, rubbing the heels of her palms into her eyes. I completely freaked out there and now he's never going to…
The energy left her and Katara's arms went limp. Going to what?
"He just had Mai leave. You're nothing but a, a…" She felt herself start to cry. The heat finally trying to push its way out of her body. "I don't want to love him anymore." Katara sat on the cool stone floor and pulled her knees up to her chest.
She laid her forehead on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs.
How many times had she pushed Aang away? That was why he had gone to Emry. She had literally pushed him into the arms of a more willing supplicant.
When Zuko had touched her, it set her skin aflame. There was no journey, no destination that he seemed intent on reaching. There was her skin and his hands.
Aang had wanted something from her. He had always wanted something from her.
It had felt good to be wanted. To be jealously sought out while the whole world was literally about to end. It was a childish vanity. As she got older, that vanity withered.
The day she reached her majority, her father had proudly brought her into court. The first question that was asked of Hakoda:
"When is she getting married?"
Gran-Gran had always taught her that she was her own person. That she had her own autonomy. It was usually when they spoke of her mother, and how the choice had been hers to sacrifice herself.
The men of the tribes, they didn't see a hero of the realm. They didn't see the living embodiment of their culture being raised to international fame.
They saw a woman who was old enough to be married off. What better way for her to be put to use than giving birth to more powerful, male Waterbenders?
At first, Katara had escaped into Aang. He voiced his rejection of their patriarchal demands. She clung to him as her savior out of the isolated female world.
But then he had started to say the same thing.
"We need to start a family right away. We need to make more Airbenders."
Katara had had a nightmare. Three children and only one of them an Airbender. She would wither away in Aang's shadow, ultimately becoming another dry widow, whose only notoriety would come as being a great healer.
Her accomplishments would all be washed away with every birth.
Perhaps she would live long enough to train the next Avatar. It was the Water Tribe next in the cycle.
But she would live and die in her place. One carved out and defined by others.
What could Zuko possibly want from her?
She had nothing to offer.
Katara pulled her knees in closer and harder, trying to keep her ribs from bursting as she cried. She had thought she would be part of the most powerful couple in the world. Legends would be told about her in the same awed timidity as the ones about the Avatar. Instead, she would just become the wife of the Avatar, the one who would bear his children.
Why did she love him?
Katara pulled herself back in, and took a deep, shuddering breath. She turned her face up and into the stream of heated water. The fire that had ravaged her had gone out, and she could feel the chill of the stone beneath her begin to work its way up. When she looked down at herself, she saw the faint ring of a bite mark.
"Aw cripes." She muttered. She pushed herself up and tugged on the rope again to shut the valve to the sluice. For once, she ignored the water that still slid down her form and sloshed away from her steps. She picked up the robe she had so hideously abandoned and put it back on. The cool silk stuck to her in patches but she merely muttered as she pulled her long hair out from under it. Dropping it down her back, Katara shivered as she walked into the bedroom.
She could hear shifting in the sitting room and went to see what Chang had brought her.
"I really hope you have some-" Katara said as she pushed back the tapestry.
Zuko stood at the table and his eyes widened.
"Tea?" He said.