Warnings: Grey ass, perverted scenes, EXTREME CUSSING, talking objects, fire, the abuse of announcers, mention of drugs, Uboa, speeches that aren't innocent, long-annoying names, chopsticks, birth, extreme cuteness, Ignorance of atmosphere, and Japan's L's are R's.

Chapter Two: Finally Made Me Insane

(Part One)

Japan walks calmly down the hall, humming a cheery tune to himself, bobbing his head from side to side as he popped his gum a few times before arriving at the library door. He slowly took out the key Germany gave him while still moving in sync with his humming.

The door didn't unlock.

Japan stared at it a moment, momentarily stopping his humming, before switching the key in another direction, but the door still wouldn't open. Japan rattled the knob, gripping it tightly and moving it every which way, yet it still wouldn't budge. With an angry huff, he grasped the knob with both hands, placing a leg on the wall, and began to pull. He tugged, moving the knob, even standing on the wall somehow, but the door still would not open. Finally, he stopped, out of breath as his brow began to twitch angrily. In irritation he kicked the door.

The door swung open.

Japan stared at the now open door, feeling embarrassed. The door opened inwards, not outwards. Oopsies... He coughed awkwardly, glancing around to make sure no one had seen his mistake before quickly entering. Only to freeze momentarily as he spotted the... the... "Rarge grey ass?" The words came out nearly in a whisper and, like a noodle, he wobbled to the floor barely comprehending what he had just seen. "There is no way... It can't be.. This is not rear... Is it?" He looked up again, the doom clouds above him as the purple lines neared his face in foreboding doom, but saw nothing.

On his hands and knees, Japan slowly began to ebb closer into the room. So far, he didn't see anything. He stood up and walked into the room, "Of course, it's just my imagination... And the creepy music that are-" He halted, something catching his attention from the corner of his eye... Something grey. Ever so slowly, like he was stuttering, his face turned to the right. There, half hidden by a shelf, was a prominent grey ass. It was bent, high in the air, and wiggling, almost beckoning him to go over and hit it, to slap it good and hard... He still had Germany's whip...Wait..

Japan snapped out of his perverted thoughts when he realized something. It hadn't been a dream. The ass was real. It was... It was... Oh Sweet Buddha.

Japan dived under a lone table, but instead of rolling under it, he misjudged and soared across the table, hit the wall on the opposite side and slid down, effectively hitting his head on the floor. He tried to jump up, but hit his head on the wall again. His torso went forward in pain only to smash his forehead against the tabletop.

"Hory fucking sweet Rord of Cornwarris!" He shouted, clutching his head in his hands, still half on the table.
He grumbled angrily, nearly in tears and wanting an ice-pack, hentai manga, and maybe some mochi to eat. Japan slowly looked ahead, his head resting on his arms, when he shot up, cringing as his head throbbed and his vision swam a bit. Once it cleared he stared at the object, rubbed his eyes and stared again in disbelief.

"Hey, take a picture, it'll last longer you son of a bitch! What are you looking at, huh you poor excuse for a man? What the hell are you wearing? Is that cotton or cardboard?" The rice ball yelled.

Japan only stared.

"What, ya never seen a talking rice ball? You assholes are all the same. YEAH, I TALK! Gotta problem with that? Let's go, bro! You and me, one on one, I'll take ya!" The rice ball yelled, hopping in place.

Suddenly the music began to get louder and Japan grabbed the rice ball and hid under the table. "What's the big idea, put me down or I'll-" Japan covered what would have been the rice ball's mouth, if it had a mouth... Which it doesn't, but just bear with me here. So while the rice ball was trying to shriek and bit him with its nonexistent teeth, Japan was sweating as he tried to shut it up nicely, and Iruka still wouldn't leave the Hokage alone about One Piece.

Finally, Japan just got irritated. "Shut your mouth you rittre asshore or I'rr..."

Warning: The rest has been deemed too graphic, disturbing, offensive to all rice balls, drivers, cats, slingshots, bees, and sentient coral... Along with paper shredders and pregnant men.

The rice ball silenced itself and fled into Japan's pocket, crying silently to itself as it mumbled insults. Japan sighed in relief before screaming as something peered under the table at him. "UBOA!" He attempted to jump up, somehow forgetting he was cowering under a table, and smacked his head again, blood pouring from the wound.

"Ow, not again."

"Did somebody say 'Ow'?" A female voice called out. Japan looked over and felt his jaw drop. A tall blonde in impossibly high-heels, a tiny nurse outfit that was opened to reveal almost all her cleavage, and a clipboard resting in her hands crouched under the table, making her way towards him. Japan's nose began to bleed.

"Oh, don't worry darling. Doctor Barbie will fix you all up." She whispered into his ear before pulling his head onto her chest while stroking his hair. "My, my, you seem really hot, do you have a fever..."

Japan began to stammer uncontrollably as she neared him, holding his face... Suddenly the lights began to blink on and off. Japan screamed, drawing his sword as he pushed Barbie away from him. "You are not Barbie!"

"What are you-"

"You're Poniko and Uboa! You riar!" Japan cried out.

The busty blonde looked down and began to shake, angry tick marks beginning to appear, before fire began to surround her metaphorically, but real enough to burn the poor nation. "Liar? Me? You an ass! I work my ass off at this stupid job and this is what I get? I didn't sign up to work in a mental ward, you know! I could've been something! I could've become a teacher or a porn-star! Instead, I listened to my mother and became a doctor." She began to cry, make-up streaming down her face as she got up and ran away, which should have been impossible in those impossible heels, leaving Japan stunned in more ways than one.

The lights stopped flickering and Japan decided it was time to get up. He crawled out from under the table and sighed, this mansion was seriously fucked up... how did that girl get in anyway... Nope, he wasn't going to dwell on it now, the creepy music was back... Along with the breathing.

"Risten, Barbie, I'm rearry sor-" He stopped once he fully turned around. It wasn't Barbie. "Grey-ass!" He exclaimed, pointing at it from across his side of the table. The creature moved, and Japan moved opposite, like a mirror. For a few minutes they stood like that until Japan swiped with his paddle at the puck, but the thing sent it back.

Announcer: And the Grey-thinger fires back, but Japan blocks, firing a..OH MY what's this? The iron fan? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this air hockey match has just gotten serious! It fires back and, OH NO! Grey-ass-a-mabob thing scores! Things are not looking good for Japan, there's only ten seconds left in the game and that ugly-ass-thing is winning by a point! Can Japan win, will the fire ferrets advance to the championship, will a name finally be given to that ass?

"Hey, shut up, baka!" Japan shouted, throwing a book at the announcer.

Announcer: Japan has thrown a book, which is currently hurtling towards my head. I think he plans to knock me out.

Japan concentrated, ignoring the announcers pained scream and the thump of their body hitting the ground, allowing the cannibals to appear and drag him away. He needed this point, he needed to win this... HE HAD TO CATCH THEM ALL!

"The power of Satan compels you!" Japan fired, then realized his mistake, "I mean Jesus!" The puck began to slow, it was going to miss. "Fine! Satan! I choose you!" The puck picked up speed, jumped off the table and slapped the gray-thingy before flying back to the table and entering just as the buzzer went off, ending the game.

It was a tie.

"Werr then...Goodbye!" Japan bowed and made a run for it, hurrying through the shelves when he suddenly tripped over a book. "READ ME!" It screamed, flying onto Japan's face. After rolling on the floor and attempting to get the book off him, Japan succeeded and drop kicked the book then paused, "I rearned dismissar."

Japan quickly dashed back towards the door. It was locked. He began to search for his key, stripping but still couldn't find it. "Where is it?"

"Pssst, asswipe," The rice ball whispered, "It's in the back of the room to the left, in the corner."

"How did it get there! Did I throw it?" Japan angrily asked, glaring at the ceiling.

"How the hell s-should I know?" The rice ball yelled back.

Japan picked it up by its would-be-head. "What did you do?"

"W-well I may have thrown 'im..." Japan waited for the rest of the answer. "Hey, he was an asshole! He called you a slut and tried to key me! I have a wife! So I tol' 'im, no funny business and he kept trying to. He's a pedo!"

Japan sighed, "We'rr have to go back."

"Whatcha mean by 'we'?" Japan simply glared at the food. "Right, one for all and all for one, BUT I'M NOT SHARING A POCKET WITH THAT THING!"

Japan sighed as the ball of rice settled back down into his pocket. He made a mad dash back to the corner, avoiding the Thing by hiding behind its back, moving as he did.

Finally he picked up the missing key.

"Yaaahoooo, boy did I miss ya my main man, my sexy-boy, how 'bout you move a lil' closer and place me a lil' somewhere, ya get me?" The key said, waggling its unseen eyebrows.

Japan shuddered, "The rice barr was right."

"Oh, man don' listen to that ninny, we cool, right?"

Japan only sighed again before tensing as something grabbed his ass from behind.

"Ah, hell naw! He mine bitch!" The key yelled, jumping out of Japan's hand and stabbing the creature in the eye, "Back off ya drag queen!" The hand released Japan's now throbbing ass, allowing him to grab the key before it was crushed. "He mad man! He really fucking mad!" The key yelled, grabbing onto Japan's sleeve as the nation drew his sword.

"Rast time, our fight ended in a draw. This time I'rr make sashimi out of you." Japan stated, readying for the fight. The creature stood up and jumped at him, trying to do a South Korea DAZEE! Japan retaliated by blocking it, but it sent him back a bit.

Announcer: Round two has begun and so far things don't seem to be going good for Japan! The forceful blows are backing him into a corner, literally! Now, what's this? There seems to be some illegal groping going on! I don't know what game the refs are watching, but that was definitely an illegal groping! Japan is stunned! Ladies and gentlemen...Woah! Head shot! Japan fires back with a headbutt! And he's gaining some ground, is this what I believe it is..Yes it..It's!

"Shut the fuck up you asshole! What the hell is up with your extremely annoying voice? What the hell is that stuff on your face? Do you kiss your wife with that facial hair? It's no wonder she's doing your brother in the backroom!" The Rice ball screamed, punching the announcer out, then pulled out a cellphone from the man's pocket, "Yeah, Dewwy, send them in. He's all yours."

While that was happening Japan had managed to push the Thingmabob back far enough only to start moving towards it. "Hey, man whatcho doin'? You ain't supposed to approach them things that gonna kill ya!"

"Hord on." Japan stated seriously, quickly pivoting on his heel as the thing began to run at him again. He dashed back towards the corner, "WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT!", only to flip off the wall and over the thing's head. He, in mid-air, kicked off the side wall and somersault onto the top of the bookcase. The key sighed in relief and was readying to complain when Japan took off, running along the bookcases towards the door.

The creature was growing closer as Japan switched to the ground, nearly making it when It appeared behind him. "Key, I choose you!" The key flew through the air, nonexistent eyes staring at his destination in determination. "KEY!" The key shouted, landing in the lock,

"Would you like to unlock the door?"

Japan nearly fell over as the grey-thingy appeared behind him, "Oh, do I rearry have to think about it?"

"My man, stop being a smartass and choose!"

"Unrock!"

"..I don't have a rock."

"Open the damn door!" Japan screamed, and the key huffed before unlocking the door, and flinging it open, hitting the creature in the nose as Japan dodged to the side and dived out.

"Hurry, close the door!" The key called, hopping towards him. Japan lunged for the knob, only for it to fall off the door.

"Aw, shit, we screwed!" The Key cried, nearly in tears.

"Throw it here!"

"Rice barr?" Japan said, looking at the food that was by the door.

"I said throw it you messy-low-class-piece-of-shit!"

"But, what wirr happen to you?"

"Just hurry!"

Japan nodded, tossing it the knob and running away, the key clutched in his hand, "My hero." It mumbled sadly.

They ran back to the entrance way, stopping to breathe heavily, "Wha... What on Earth was that THING? Sweet Rord, I have to find the others as soon as possibre." Japan said, almost in disbelief at what just happened.

"My man, listen to meh words! We gotta go back! We gotta get 'em, ya feel me? We can't jus' leave 'em there, ya know?" The Key voiced, making its way into Japan's fanny-pack.

The Japanese man sighed, "Yes, we'rr go back..."

"Uh, man, to go back means ya gotta move."

"I know what it means."

"Man, you scared? You a douche, 'ey fine. I'll go myself." The key jumped out of his pocket and made its way back down the hall.

"Dear Rord, I'm rearry pathetic, a key that shourdn't even be abre to move is braver than me..." He crouched on the ground in self-pity.

Japan.

Japan looked up, "Rord, is that you?"

"NO! Over here."

Japan looked at the door and gasped, "Stephano?"

"Yes, it is I, Stephano, the one who helped the PewDie of Pie."

"But what are you doing here?"

"Well, In your momentary depression, you finished off your first stash of drugs."

"Oh, I'rr have to get more rater...So, I'm harrucinating?"

"Yes, now listen to my words."

"But I'm harrucinating, why shourd I risten?"

"Because I'm going to give you some helpful speech so shut your face and listen up!" –Ahem- "Japan, bravery is only a seven letter word, as is buttsex, and like a male stripper you must give yourself to others."

"So I shourd be a prostitute?"

"No, you should be like that key and rice ball and do what they have, be brave and sacrifice what you can, and no breakdancing."

Japan nodded in a stupor, "I think I understand, thank you."

"Go now, young grasshopper."

"Right!" Japan yelled, standing up only to clutch his stomach and throw up, "As soon as I stop."

After two more minutes of throwing up, another of brushing his teeth and spitting in the hallway, and then taking his blood pressure, and deeming it too high, he was ready! Japan walked back to the library and entered, the door was slightly open anyway.

"My man! Over here!" The Key called from the center of the room, along with Rice ball and another key.

"What is going on?" Japan asked curiously, "Are you arright, Rice barr?"

The rice ball winked, the rest of him wrapped in bandages, "Yeah, but next time I tell your dumbass to leave me, remember that I'm lying."

"I'm sorry." Japan apologized, starring at the floor.

"Whatever, you ass, but I claim your shoulder and pocket, fucker." Rice ball said, sniffing.

Japan smiled, "Arright."

"Man, you both gay, now shut it! You'll wake the baby!" The Key stated, indicating to the new key.

"Baby?"

"Yeah, problem?"

Japan didn't bother to question it, he was already talking to a rice ball and key, so why not include a baby key into the mix?

"My man, to avoid confusion I'll tell ya my name, ya get me? Pickitmehunnywunnybunsmic'shady, but ya can call me Shady." The Key, Shady, stated.

"If you're going to be exchanging names then mine is Kamisamamicshamalamasamaaaaaa-kun, or just Mamic for short, asshole!"

"And once this one wakes up, it'll tell us their name, ya feeling me?"

Japan, who had been kneeling as they talked amongst themselves, suddenly realized something, "A key? I hadn't noticed it before... Did that Thing drop it during the fight?"

The two objects shrugged, before Shady realized something also, "But...It didn't have pockets, ya see?

The three deadpanned and stared at the new key, the phrase 'Oh God' flashing through their minds. "Holy mother fucking shit! We all touched that baby too!"

Japan quickly took out his disinfecting spray and hosed the key down, let it dry, and sprayed it again. "There, I think that shourd do it." Japan picked up the key and pocketed it, in his other pocket that wasn't claimed by a cussing Rice ball named Mamic.

"Well, we should find the door that the key opens, ya feel me?" Shady stated while hopping into Japan's fanny-pack as Mamic hopped into the nation's pocket.

"Yes, that is a good idea." Japan stated while walking out of the library.

Three floors and many doors later, the trio arrived at the fourth floor. The first door wouldn't open, but the second one did! They walked in and began to investigate.

"My fellow food senses are tingling~" Mamic stated, looking at the bookcase in the upper right hand side of the room, "Behind that bookcase..."

"My man, ya heard! Get yo cute ass a-movin' and move that obstacle." Shady demanded.

Japan sighed and pushed the bookcase to the left, revealing MochiMerica.

"A mochi? Are you stuck?" Japan questioned, taking out chopsticks.

"Naw, he just there fo' the hella it, man." Shady sarcastically retorted, winking at the mochi as it cowered away from the key.

"What the hell are you going to use chopsticks for?"

Japan blinked, "To get the mochi out."

Mamic and Shady laughed from the floor, "Boy, what the hell can chopsticks do?" The two stopped, Mamic hitting Shady as he kept cackling and indicated towards Japan who was beginning to shake. Fire began to cover the room, again metaphorically, but just enough that Shady could make smores. Japan pulled out a pair of chopsticks, fire in his eyes, "Don't underestimate the chopsticks!"

He moved over towards the table, "Chopsticks rift tabre, hyaaa!" The table was lifted as Japan stood underneath it, the wooden sticks placed correctly in his capable hands. He moved back towards the bookcase, "Chopsticks can read book, whhhooo prots!" He began to move to each object, "Chopsticks frush toiret! They change diaper, change pictures on warrs, eat me... Werr maybe not that rast one...BUT, they can arso be used to kirr."

The three stared, wide-eyes as Japan began to chuckle darkly to himself, not sure what to do when suddenly Japan crumbled to the ground, holding his pocket.

"The baby!" Shady cried, throwing away his fear and jumping onto Japan, "Quicklay boy, your pocket! It's time!"

After two long hours, Japan's pocket finally gave birth to the baby key that was found in the library. It was a cute girl, weighing nearly nothing and wasn't even an inch tall. Japan cut up a part of the carpet and made a makeshift blanket out of it, using it to gently wrap the baby key in it.

"She's so cute." Shady said, "A thing like this... It really changes a key, it reminds him that he can live forever, that he has a purpose in this world. I've spent my life chasing after anything that I can, living day by day, only trusting myself, but now..."

"Awe, Shady." Japan started, tears threatening to fall.

"IMMA KILL WHOEVER TOUCHES HER! One wrong look and 'em asses 'll die! Ya feel me?"

Mamic grinned maliciously, "Yeah, we'll kill those assholes!"

Japan couldn't help it, "I'rr srice them in harf!"

The three began to cackle as the mochi sweatdropped, these three were its saviours, seriously?

"Pa...Pa...Papa!" The baby key said, her big nonexistent eyes staring up at Japan.

Japan smiled, the happy tears falling down his face, "Yes, that is right, I'm your Papa. Wercome to the worrd. These are your uncles, Mamic and Shady."

"Hello, I'm Uncle Mamic." The Rice ball introduced, "We're going to help your Papa."

"Hey, cutie! I'm Uncle Shady!" The baby key looked at the other key and began to cry.

"You fucker! You're scaring the baby!"

As the two argued, Japan calmed the baby key down, "It's arright, Shady's an idiot, but he's a good guy...er...Key, I mean."

"Do you have a name?" Mamic asked, "Shady said keys are born with names."

"Can you terr Papa your name?" Japan asked the little key, which nodded and tried to stand.

"My n-name i-is Beifongshwonglongjohnmatong, or Bei-fong. I'm a metal bwender, hyaa!" She said before falling over, unable to stand for long at that point in time.

~So cute~ The four other occupants thought.

Bei-fong yawned cutely, rubbing her eyes.

"Are you tired?" Japan asked kindly, chuckling when the little key denied it while yawning. He tucked Bei-fong into his fanny-pack gently, moving everything else around to give her room to sleep. Once she was asleep he conversed with the others, "I can't get you out... Not rike this." He stated-hey, giving birth is difficult work-then paused, "Germany might be abre to though. I wonder if he wourd come here for that...Then again, maybe I wirr have to get him out...No, anyway, I'rr ask him."

Japan headed back to the second floor and entered the room Germany was in, only instead of a curtain, there was an...iron door?

"Wha...? Was that door here before? Rast time it was a curtain...I'm sure this wasn't here..." Japan voiced aloud, walking towards the strange door and knocking on it, "Germany...Do you have a minute?"

The man didn't even bother to open the door and invite him in, "Is that you, Japan? What's the matter? Are you high again?"

Japan threw a lamp at the door, "NO! There's a mochi stuck in a wall upstairs on the fourth floor! I can't get it out, so move that ass of yours to the fourth floor and help me!"

"...Japan, did you notice that your accent disappears at times when you get extremely irritated?" Germany asked.

Japan rolled his eyes, "I hadn't noticed." He gritted out, crossing his arms, ignoring how Shady and Mamic were insisting he just cut the door in half and beat the man.

"Really? It's noticeable." Germany replied, ignoring the other man's tapping foot, "I can help, but I need a little favour."

"I can herp you," Japan said dangerously, "What do you need?"

"You see... When I was running, I dropped my whip. I think we should have some kind of weapon in case that Thing shows up again."

"I have a weapon." Japan stated.

"If it's not too much trouble, could you please look for it?" Germany asked, ignoring Japan's comment.

"What a coincidence," Japan started sarcastically, "I found your whip awhire ago. Arong with whatever was dripping from it. I wonder what it was exactry?"

Germany was silent. "...Grape juice, I spilled a pouch of-" "It wasn't purpre."

"Japan! Just hand it over or I'll be forced to hurt you!"

"What did you just say?" Japan asked dangerously, "How dare you speak that way to me! You have no idea what I have been through! Let me take off my earrings so I can kick your sexy German ass!"

"You think my ass is sexy?" Germany asked, opening the door, "Would you like a piece of it?"

Japan scrunched up his nose before slapping Germany in the face, "Honey, if you wanted to get in my pants, you shourd of done so rast chapter." With that, Japan threw the whip at him, "Here, I found it on the bed down the harr. You shourdn't hit on me, Itary rearry roves you."

Germany stared at the whip quietly, "I see... Thank you, for everything."

Japan pulled out a cigarette and lit it, "Don't thank me, not yet. Now, let's go to the fourth floor."

"Ah, Japan... I'm sorry, but-" Germany quickly shut the door, barely avoiding the fist that dented the metal, "But I'm starving. Don't you have anything for me to eat?"

"Do I look like a maid, you fucker! How about I cut off your toes and fry them, hmmm? How does that sound, huh?" Japan screeched, pounding on the metal.

"So, you don't have anything?"

"What do you think!" Japan screeched, assuring Mamic that Germany wouldn't eat him.

"Can you go find something?"

Japan stopped, speaking slowly, "We are in a supposed haunted mansion, there is a Thing that wants to kirr us, our friends are missing, and you want something to eat?"

"...Yes?" Germany replied, "Please! I have no energy right now! Anything is fine..."

"How about German flambé?"

"As long as it's edible and not me."

"Papa, what's all that noise?" Bei-fong asked sleepily.

"Nothing, just go back to sleep." Japan said softly to her before doing a 180 when turning back towards the door, "I'rr take a rook since I have to find Itary anyway."

"Thank you! By the way, have you found my brother?"

'Didn't I say earrier that two of our friends are missing?' Japan thought. Why did his friend have to be so sexy but stupid? "No, but I'm sure he's fine... Probabry scared it off with his 'wanna see my five meters' question."

"Sorry for all the trouble, here take this with you." Germany called, quickly pushing a bottle of beer into Japan's hands before reclosing the iron door.

"Beer? You mean you...you had this the whole time! What else do you have in there? Donuts?" Japan seethed, "I demand respect! Spell it now! R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me you blonde ass!"

"Papa, what's beer?" Bei-fong asked, still sleepy.

Japan froze, "It's a...umm..." He turned towards Shady and Mamic for help.

"It's a type of...juice!" Shady finally said.

"Juice? Can I have some?"

"No, it's bad juice. Nasty and rotten." Mamic added.

"That's right honey, now go back to sreep."

"Okay."

"Japan, who are you talking to?" Germany called, but Japan only gave him the finger and quietly left, letting the man panic that the Thing was in the room. He would realize later that it wasn't, but until then Japan could enjoy his squirming.

A/N: Heehee, hello readers of the net! How are ya doing? Did you enjoy the chapter? It turned out different than what was planned like Shady and Mamic...So unplanned. Anyway, my sister wasn't sure if you all would get the Uboa and Poniko reference, so I'll just say now that they're from Yume Nikki. Poniko turns into an Uboa? Something like that. Sentient coral is from Magical Starsign, well the coral part is...

Note: Sorry I haven't replied to anyone's reviews! I've just been busy with a summer reading assignment and...well...sleeping. X) Also, this is the longest chapter ( Over 5,000 words)! Yayz!

So drop a review! We love to hear from you all! What cha' think of our new characters? The battle scene?

Ice cream is good, no?

Preview for Next Chapter

"What? Why are they so expensive?"

"Where else are you going to find a magical toilet that allows you to purchase these, you're paying for quality too." The woman spoke.

And...

"Now, where can I use the toiret?"

"That will be an additional fifty Heta."

"You have to be kidding me!"