A/N: Okay. So this was actually supposed to go up about half a week ago. I was getting really tired from school, so I didn't have as much time to work on stuff. If you did not read last week's oneshot, then you can get to it through my profile. It was smut, so you don't have to read it if you're not into that kinda stuff. This one is actually a sort of prequel to "Stories" and it delves into Ace's time after he got out of the hospital. There's not really any MarcoAce in this one, so sorry about that.
Enjoy!
"How long are you going to sit there feeling sorry for yourself?"
Ace looked away from Sabo's stern gaze. He would've walked away, but he was stuck in this stark white hospital room. The cleanliness was ironically, sickening. He did not want to be in this place. He wanted to leave, he wanted to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, he saw the vivid image of his blood running over his cut wrists, hunting knife lying on the floor. He had done it; therefore, he should have been dead.
Yet Sabo had burst in at the last second, discovering his bloody state and going to get help, saving him. Why? It was a good thing that they were able to get Luffy out of the room, though he was adamant to remain at his brother's side. Sabo had no right to scold him like a mother, even though Ace hadn't the energy to care.
"It's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon," he replied emotionlessly.
Sabo merely scoffed at his childish response. "You know what I mean." To an outsider, the scene would've looked unusual: A blond child reprimanding another child with empty eyes in a hospital bed. There was no need to yell at a patient, especially one who looked so emotionless, so apathetic. The blond was sure that he looked rather bratty for causing a scene in such a serious environment, but Ace's frustrating attitude was what mattered to him right now.
It took a while before the freckled child responded, tone unchanging. "It's none of your business."
"You say that after all we've been through? I'm your brother god damn it!"
A nurse passed by the room and scowled at his language. Sabo ignored her. He would curse if he liked. This was the most effective way to get the message across to a certain flame brain after all.
"And you still call me your brother after what happened? You shouldn't be brothers with someone like me. I… I shouldn't even exist."
Sabo growled. "Is that really the reason? Something as stupid as that?"
"Why not?" Ace countered quietly. "If I was not the son of that man, if I wasn't even born, then Luffy, you, and everyone else wouldn't have gotten hurt."
"It's not your fault," the blond sighed, unconsciously reaching for the bandages wrapped around his clothed torso. "And after seeing Luffy like that," he whispered, "you still want to die?"
"Why are you assuming things like that?"
"Because I know you and I see the empty look you have." He reached out and took Ace's hands gently, attempting to get his brother to look at him. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you aren't planning another suicide attempt as soon as you get out of here."
The two sat there in silence, Ace unresponsive. Eventually, he pulled his hands out of Sabo's surprisingly solid grip. He gave no answer, but that was enough. It was a silent confirmation of what Sabo feared most at the moment.
"Listen, Ace." He paused even though he knew that Ace was not listening. "You're going to get better. I promise you." He moved his empty hand to rest on Ace's bandaged arm. "I won't let you out of my sight until you get better. Lu and I, we're here for you. You know that. Right?"
Ace continued to stare out the window into a world that would have kept moving without him.
The house felt extremely empty when they moved in. The three of them had lived in their tree house and before that, the bandit's base. Both places had little to no furniture, but somehow moving into a house with couches and beds and tables just made things seem emptier.
'It's all my fault,' Ace told himself. 'It's my fault we had to move away.'
Garp had moved them into a house in the city in hopes of finding ways of recovery for Ace. Even thought he hadn't been around much, he still cared about his grandsons. Almost losing one of them to suicide was enough to prompt him into this decision. In ways, it was risky. Ace knew this, but he didn't see much reason to care. If the government found out about him, then that would be the end of that. They would take him away, and then what? Did it even really matter?
There were enough rooms in the house for each of them, but Sabo insisted on all three of them sharing one. It's what they had been doing ever since they became brothers. Ace tried to tell them they would need space when in reality, he just wanted his privacy. Sabo didn't believe him, and taking up his job overseeing Ace, he moved their things into the second largest room (the master bedroom was where Garp slept whenever he was there). Luffy was happy with this arrangement. He hated being alone and loved having his brothers at his side. Ace was forced to accept defeat. Even in his current state, he did not have the heart to disappoint Luffy.
He collapsed on the couch in exhaustion, though he hadn't done much. He didn't know why he was so tired. He would've gone to his room, but he did not want to be around neither Luffy nor Sabo.
"Ace."
He did not even glace at Sabo as he came down the stairs.
"You look tired," Sabo said. He was trying to be gentle with Ace. He knew that Ace was still fragile even though the scars had healed. "Go to bed, Ace."
"I'll go to bed when I want."
He sighed. "I know that you're tired."
"Maybe you should go to bed. You've been doing most of the work anyways."
Ace's stubbornness was getting to be frustrating. Sabo stormed over to the couch and growled. "Oi!"
"What do you want, mom?" Ace replied mockingly, personality having taken a turn. At this point he just wanted Sabo to leave him alone.
Suddenly, they heard someone bouncing down stairs. "Sabo! Ace!" Luffy called cheerfully. "Let's eat!" Then tension between the two older brothers broke as Ace sat up and they looked at their younger brother, who was smiling cheerfully.
"Alright, Lu," Sabo laughed. "I'll go heat up the leftovers." Patting the head covered with a straw hat, he shot Ace a look and headed into the kitchen.
Luffy bounded over to the couch. "Are you okay, Ace?" he asked, staring up at him with wide eyes.
"I'm fine, Lu," Ace said, smiling tiredly.
"Okay! C'mon, let's eat!" Ace allowed Luffy to grab his wrist and lead him into the kitchen. He could at least stay strong for Luffy. Right?
"I'm not obligated to tell you anything."
"Now, Ace. If you want to get better, then you'll have to open up to me."
Ace continued to glare at the psychologist, but the woman did not seem intimidated whatsoever. He hated being in this room, sitting in front of a stranger who expected him to spill out his life's story. It was none of her business. Garp was just wasting time and money by sending him here and paying for professional help, and the evaluation and medication had already cost enough (though, it wasn't as if he were poor).
Clinical depression.
It's not like he was very familiar with the term. There were no psychologists or psychiatrists in Foosha, but he had heard the words tossed around here and there. He never thought about having it, though it was obvious that there had been something wrong with him when he…
"Ace," a voice whispered, cutting off his train of thought. He looked over at Sabo, who had come into the session with him. Ace had insisted on going in alone, but Sabo had convinced the doctor to let him in. They would not get anywhere if he was not with Ace, he had stated. "You don't have to say everything," he continued, "but at least try. Okay?"
He made it sound so easy. He wasn't the one sitting in this chair. He wasn't the one who held the burden. He wasn't the one that wanted to die. He crossed his arms and continued his silent protest.
"I'm sorry about him, Dr. Nico," Sabo apologized. "You're probably not used to having patients our age."
Olvia shook her head, white hair shifting around her shoulders. "It's quite alright. My daughter has gone through her own struggles, so I have dealt with children before.
"I'm not a child," Ace snapped, interrupting their conversation. He quickly shut his mouth, realizing that he had broken his own silence.
"Is there something you'd like to say, Ace?" Olvia asked with a gentle smile. "I'm here to listen, and as your brother said, you do not have to tell me everything. We still have fifteen minutes left, so we can start with the basics."
Ace nodded, albeit hesitantly.
"Now," she paused and pressed her pen to the clipboard. "You are very strong, Ace. Some people don't even survive to recover."
Sabo's hand twitched uncomfortably. The subject itself was inevitable, but he still did not want to think about it. If Luffy had been in here, he would've started crying. Good thing he was out in the lobby, scribbling in a coloring book.
Expert eyes spotting the tiny signs of his distress, Olvia turned to Sabo. "I want you to be strong through this too. He's lucky to have brothers that care about him. You are quite responsible for watching over him like this."
He felt a bit of pride swell in his chest at the doctor's remark.
"I hear that you will be starting up school soon," she said, flipping through some of her papers. "Though you will have schoolwork, I trust that you'll keep taking your medication. Please continue watching over him Sabo. He may become stressed, but I suspect that some social interaction may do him some good."
Sabo nodded, but Ace scoffed.
'Social interaction will do me good? Yeah right.'
Ace hated school. He loathed it. The teachers had been informed of his 'situation', so they coddled him like he was a child made of glass. He didn't need their special treatment. He thought about failing on purpose just to piss them off, but as Sabo pointed out, that would just get their attention even more. For once Ace listened to him. He tried to be a decent student, but he couldn't bring him to listen to any of his teachers' boring ramblings of algebraic equations or proper punctuation. Sabo was there to help him with his school work, but having to be helped by his younger brother was just plain embarrassing.
Many of the other kids were just as bad as the teachers. They either pointed and stared at him from afar while gossiping behind their hands, or they tried making friends with him using smiles that made him want to puke and cheerful words that made his ears feel like they were bleeding. He had almost hit one of them, but luckily, Sabo stepped in last second. Ace was now able put up with her (Koala was her name), but this was because Sabo had the most obvious crush on the girl (he rolled his eyes when Sabo denied it).
He was also rather tolerant of the psychologist's daughter, Robin. The girl respected his boundaries, and supposedly she understood what he was going through, though she did not attempt to pry. Occasionally, she kept him company, yet they never spoke, allowing themselves a somewhat comfortable silence. Ace suspected that she was watching him for her mother.
But he hadn't even expected to meet the strangest one of them all.
He had skipped gym that day. Even though he liked physical activity (it helped with his training), the class was rather boring since they had to follow the tedious instructions of a gym teacher. It was nothing like training in the forest, hunting for food, or just fighting for the heck of it. Instead of going, he snuck into the woods near the school, searching for something to do, something that would finally catch his interest.
It did not work. The woods were pretty empty. There were no giant bears or tigers to fight, which was a disappointment. He leaned against a tree and slid down to the soil underneath him, closing his eyes. It was actually quite relaxing to breathe in some nature after so long, but it was nothing like the air back home.
"Hey, kid. Whatcha doin' here?"
Ace's eyes snapped open and he found himself staring back into dark blue eyes. He almost screamed, but held himself back when the stranger smiled at him.
"Rough day?" they asked, sitting down next to him.
He scowled back. "Why would you care?"
They held up their hands defensively, brown hair swaying around their face. "Whoa. No need to get your feathers all ruffled!" They stopped and sighed. "I've been spending too much time with my brother. Hasn't anyone ever taught you to be polite to women?"
Ace raised an eyebrow and scoffed in disbelief. "You're a girl?" he asked skeptically.
"Oi!" she barked.
"Aren't you skipping school too?"
She shrugged and brushed off her light-green shirt. "Pissed off one of the teachers with a stink bomb. I'm hiding out for now."
"Stink bomb? I haven't heard about that."
"Oh right. You're probably in middle school. Aren't ya, kid?"
"I'm not a kid."
"Whatever you say. By the way," she held out a hand and grinned, "I'm Haruta."
"…Ace"
He didn't know it at the time, but he just got caught up with one of Grand Line High's most infamous pranksters, Haruta Newgate.
They were still able to train, albeit in the backyard of their house. Sabo had remarked that the grass was quite soft, so it would break their falls when one of them knocked the other over. Garp had allowed them to bring their pipes on the condition that they did not leave the house. Ace was thankful for that, though It wasn't as if he were actively training. He still did not have the heart to. He refused to fight Luffy (he wouldn't let himself lose to him), but he occasionally fought Sabo.
And he lost.
Sabo already won half the time, so why not let him win all of them? He couldn't find the strength to fight back anyways. Sabo held back though, concerned for his older brother. Ace only blocked and dodged, and when he did hit back, it was weak, hardly anything to be worried about. With his poor posture and weak swing, Ace lost round after round, not bothering to tend to any wounds afterwards. This worried Luffy a lot, so Ace let him bandage up the more severe ones- not that he did the best job.
Sabo hated seeing him like this. Not only was it pathetic, but it was also an insult to Sabo's own abilities. He realized that it was a selfish thought, but if Ace had been in the right mind, Sabo wouldn't be beating him in all these fluke matches. If he was going to test his true abilities, Ace would have to be at full strength. This brooding was just getting in the way. Even though he had to be tolerant of Ace, he just wanted his brother to pull his head out of his ass.
"Why are you losing so much, Ace?" Luffy asked one day. Ace froze at these words. Luffy was oblivious, so he thought that he did not notice. "It's no fun if Sabo wins all the time!" Apparently, he could be observant when it mattered. Well, of course he would notice. He was the one keeping tally, and when all one hundred of those tallies were under "S", the facts were quite obvious. Ace resisted the urge to curse.
"Yeah, Ace," Sabo chimed. Ace could hear the smugness in his voice. "Why are you letting me win so much?"
He scowled. "Does it really matter?"
"Why are you being like this, Ace?" Sabo interrogated, now frustrated with his brother. He knew that he was supposed to be gentle with Ace in his time of need, but damn it, he couldn't take this anymore! His stubbornness, his sulking, it was all just too much.
Luffy stared up at the two with concern. They usually took care never to argue in front of him, but there was no helping it now. "Ace, Sabo-"
"This is your chance to let everything out, and what? You're holding back? What happened to you? I'm trying to help you!"
"…I can't," Ace muttered, Sabo straining to hear to barely audible words.
"What was that?"
"I just can't!"
"Damn it, Ace!" Sabo growled. "You're not making any sense!"
"You think I can fight you at full strength?" Ace cried, throwing his pipe down. "What would happen then? Huh?"
"There's nothing holding you back!"
At that his expression darkened. Why didn't Sabo understand? He's the one who has known the longest, so he of all people should know. "Are you kidding me? What I am, what I never chose to be, it's always going to keep me here. I'll never be free from that."
Sabo was silent, and for a minute Ace thought he had won. He had finally gotten his point across. All of this care and coddling would end and he could finally rest.
But then Sabo started whispering, just loud enough for Ace to hear. "…You're still whining over that?" Suddenly, Ace found himself on his back, staring up at the brother who had tackled him to the ground. A pipe pressed against his throat, and though he knew Sabo would never hurt him too hard, he was genuinely surprised at the blond's attitude change.
Sabo never got this angry. What was it now that pushed him to this? Rarely did the two brothers see that fire fill his eyes. He had finally snapped. Ace was only able to lie there as Luffy watched on, wanting to jump in, but too weak to help.
"You want to be free from your his name?" Sabo yelled. He dropped his pipe and grabbed Ace by his collar. "Then become free! Become freer than anyone!"
And Ace felt the change.
"Sabo! That wasn't fair!" Luffy interjected, heading over to try and stop them. "Sabo's not supposed to be the mean one!" He childishly stuck his tongue out at him. "I'm gonna steal all your meat at dinner now!" He ran inside, still shooting his brother mocking gestures as he left.
A silence enveloped the two brothers. Eventually Sabo stood, shooting Ace a look. The rage was no longer there, but now there was something else. "I just want my brother back." He followed Luffy inside, leaving Ace to dwell on the words.
'Become… free?'
"Hey, shitty gramps?"
"Still talking to your grandfather that way? Damn brat!"
"What is freedom?"
Garp froze, holding back his patented Fist of Love. It was a strange question when Ace asked it. Considering his former upbringing (the bandits basically let him do whatever) it was hard to understand why he would ask such a thing. "Well, I'd say you have plenty of that already," he shrugged, leaning back in his chair and picking his nose.
"What do you mean by that?" Ace was surprised that he had even responded. He'd expected another rant about how he should get back to his old self so he could continue his training (though Ace was sure that the man just wanted to give his Fist of Love without holding back).
"You and your brothers were always running around and doing whatever you wanted."
'Whatever I wanted?'
"Maybe you had too much freedom. No wonder they were always pissed about you guys. Bwahaha!" Garp stopped to laugh, thinking back on the misery of the bandits. "I guess they still liked you guys, even though you were off doing your own thing." He stopped, turning and raising an eyebrow. "What's with all the questions? Are you finally thinking about joining the Marines?"
"No."
"Dr. Nico?"
"Yes, Ace?"
"What is freedom?"
Olvia pushed up her glasses and smiled. "My, you're certainly talkative today. Usually I am the one initiating our conversations."
"Just answer the question. Please." This time Ace tried to remember his manners. He had gotten Sabo to stay out of his appointment for once, and though he did not care much for it, he knew he shouldn't antagonize the woman. She had been trying her best after all.
"Well, Ace. Freedom is exemption from external control, interference, or regulation."
"You got that from a dictionary didn't you," Ace commented dryly.
Olvia smiled. "Very good, Ace."
"Is that it?"
Smile never leaving her face, she replied, "Freedom cannot always be explained. I'm afraid you'll have to find your own definition if you truly wish to understand."
'Find my own?'
"Now." She paused to push up her glasses. "How was your week?
"Haruta?"
"Yeah, Acey?"
"Don't call me that."
"Whatevs."
"What is freedom?"
Haruta raised an eyebrow. "That's a weird question." Suddenly, she stopped and started laughing.
"What's so funny?" Ace scowled.
"Y-you sound like my b-brother!" she stammered between giggles. "Maybe I should introduce you guys sometime! He could use some company, ya know~"
"O-oi! Just answer the question!"
She stared at him amusedly, placing a hand on her chin in thought. "Well, I guess freedom is letting go of all of your worries." She leaned against the tree and looked towards the sky as if she was reminiscing. "When you leave it all behind, you know what it's like to truly be happy."
'Leave it all behind?'
"Ya know, I think I might have a song to sing about this!"
"Please don't."
"Is it really that easy?" Ace asked himself one night as Sabo and Luffy slept.
He was here moping, while the people he loved slept on peacefully. They had their own troubles, so why were his still bothering him. Haruta was always getting in trouble, but that never stopped her. Gramps had to take care of them, but, though he was pretty crazy, he took care of them as if they were his own. Sabo hated his family, but he left them behind. They all made it look so easy.
"I'm worrying about them. Aren't I?"
The question dissipated into the silence of the bedroom. Sighing, he turned over and closed his eyes.
"Gol D. Ace?" he whispered. "No…"
What could he do to let go? All of the people who cared for him, all the people who supported him... The people willing to give their lives for him. He could change for them right now. He knew he could.
"Portgas. Portgas D. Ace."
"Let's have a match."
Sabo stared at him, almost expressionless. "Finally ready for a real fight?"
"Just grab your pipe."
"Are we training again?" Luffy asked, bounding down the stairs.
"C'mon, Lu. You're keeping score." Ace slammed open the back door, leading Luffy by the hand. He readied himself by stretching his arms and legs, staring back at Sabo, who twirled his pipe in his hands. Luffy sat under the tree ready to write down the score.
"You ready, Ace?"
"The real question is: are you ready?"
"3…"
"2…"
"1!"
They rushed at each other, feet flying off of the ground. Their pipes impacted with a loud 'clang!' and Sabo grunted, grip shaky. Ace's force had taken him off guard. In all their matches before it had been relatively easy to disarm him. "Fighting back, I see," he said, trying to contain a grin.
Giving no response, Ace pulled away, aiming another swing at Sabo's feet. The blond jumped backwards over the pipe to dodge, landing on his feet solidly. With a cry, he swung downwards, but Ace quickly blocked. "You better fight with all you've got," Ace whispered, just loud enough for Sabo to hear. Suddenly, he looked up and tone changing, yelled, "Because don't think for a second that I've given up!" He leapt backwards and charged again.
"Then show me!" Sabo retaliated by jabbing towards Ace's stomach. He dodged sideways, quickly moving behind Sabo. The blond spun and blocked, reeling from the force of the hit. "Don't hold back!"
"I won't!"
The round seemed to go on for hours, Ace's true feelings being conveyed through every strike. Sabo did not hold back either, blocking and dodging the hits directed at him. Slowly, grins started to grow on their faces. 'This is it,' he thought, adrenaline rushing through his veins. 'This is my freedom.'
Clang!
'I can finally let go.'
Bang!
'This is why I can live.'
Crash!
'For Sabo and Luffy, for everyone else... I can live!'
Clang!
'I'll leave it all behind and become the freest! Starting now!'
He adjusted his feet under him, preparing himself for one more swing. "Hey, Sabo!" he called. "Thanks!"
Sabo stopped, confused. "For what?"
Without warning, Ace jumped at him and swung. Before he knew it he was knocked on his back, Ace pressing a pipe to his chest. "I found it," Ace panted. "I found my freedom."
For a moment, there was an almost sacred silence held between them, until finally Sabo's grin broke out on his face again. He almost laughed. He almost cried. Ace was finally, finally back. He had beaten his chains, his weight, and now there he was smiling above him, victorious. When he looked off to the side, he could see Luffy smiling too, happy for his brothers. There was so much Sabo wanted to say, but the first thing that came out of his mouth was an overjoyed, "Welcome back, Ace!"
Bonus
"Say, Marco... Are you lonely?"
"What would ever give you that idea? No, I'm not lonely."
"Really?"
"Why are you looking at me like that, yoi?"
"Well... I have a friend-"
"Forget it, Haruta. The last time one of you tried to set me up with someone, you brought me to a zoo to look at ostriches."
"I didn't say you had to date him (he's not old enough for you anyways. At least, not yet)."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing! I'm just saying that you might thank me later!"
"No."
"Wait, Marco! Just listen to me for a sec!"
Please review! Thanks to StarPurpleandBlue for the inspiration!
So technically, you guys weren't supposed to get an update this week. I was taking a break, but I really wanted to get this one out. I'm skipping next week, so the next update will be on October 5th, Marco's birthday! No poll this week because I'm publishing a birthday special.