Chapter 4: Hearts remote, yet not asunder

And now here it was, Thursday morning and I was alone at Charlie's, thinking of Edward. Some things never changed. In an effort to distract myself from worrying about him, I tried to keep busy but not so busy that I required a trip to the emergency room. This somewhat limited my activities, but reading Jane Austen on a blanket in the backyard seemed safe enough. Or it was until it started raining.

I gave up on spending the day by myself and got in my ancient truck and started making my way to the Cullen's beautiful white house, missing Edward more and more the closer I got to it. I had an inspiration on the way, and hanging out with Alice would be better than moping around my bedroom by myself.

The whole time I was driving I was thinking of Edward and how much he meant to me. I knew now that even one of his guarded kisses, filled with love, was better than anything else I had ever experienced. I couldn't wait for the day when we didn't have to be so cautious, though.

I was only human, and pathetically weak, as I was so often reminded. I longed for the day when this wasn't so. And although Edward has agreed to change me after we were wed, I was so afraid it wasn't going to happen.

He wanted me to be with him forever, so he said, but I couldn't let myself believe it until it actually happened. He still wasn't exactly enthusiastic about me becoming a vampire, and when I tried to ask him something about what my new life would be like, he was reluctant to answer, saying there would be plenty of time for that later.

I would feel my heart sink when he brushed away my concerns like that. I couldn't figure out if this was just another one of his techniques designed to protect me or if it was a tactic to delay the inevitable. He knew it was the only way we could truly be together and he said that's what he wanted. I had a nagging feeling that I wanted it more than he did.

Of course I wanted it more than he did. I was about to win the lottery. I was going to get the grand prize and in getting me, he was going home with a lovely parting gift. I was worried that even after I became a vampire I would never gain the beauty and grace Edward seemed so effortlessly to possess.

He was perfect. He had an unlimited amount of self-control. While he claimed to be looking forward to the wedding and all that came after, he had assured me many times that he could wait for me forever. He wouldn't mind if I stayed human for several more years. It was my choice.

I had made my choice and waiting for it all to happen was beginning to wear on my nerves. The summer days that stretched out ahead of me seemed endless. We had been through so many traumatic events in the past few weeks, and while I was glad it was over, I was having a hard time settling back into a normal life.

I wanted to be with Edward all the time. I hated it when he left me, even for five minutes. It was like as soon as he left a room all the lights went out. All the air was sucked out of the room and I would find myself in a sort of suspended animation. I hated to admit it, but it was kind of like my life just stopped when he wasn't around. I had little appetite and little interest in what was going on in the world. The world could not make me feel the way Edward did. No one could.

I wanted to be holding his hand, or feel his arms around me night and day. I had been in love with him before but now it seemed to have moved into a new stage, something I was unfamiliar with. It was certainly not unpleasant, but I felt this longing for him that didn't lessen, even when he was with me.

I found excuses to bury my nose in his chest and inhale his unique scent. I wanted to hear his velvet voice, breathe in his intoxicating breath, feel the electric spark when his skin touched mine, and taste him on my lips.

I would press myself against his chest as hard as I could and I would feel his strong, cool arms crush me to him, and even that was not enough. Would anything ever be enough? Was it possible to get enough of Edward? I would like to have the opportunity to find out.

I suspected this wasn't normal, but hey, when was I ever normal? I was in love with a mythical creature and he amazingly returned my love. I found it hard to believe he had no appetite when I wasn't around, though.

His hunting trips had become something of a sore subject with me, although I tried to keep from showing him that side of my selfish nature. I tried to be brave and generous, for his sake, because I knew he needed to hunt. I could identify the particular shades of his gorgeous eyes and tell exactly what level of need he was subject to.

When he postponed hunting so he wouldn't have to leave me our physical contact took on a hightened edge. When he was holding me he would get this almost frantic look in his eyes and then he would kiss me and I would be swept away, as I frequently was, but he would turn to stone in my arms. It was like trying to kiss Michaelangelo's statue of David.

Worse still, sometimes he would just abruptly pull away and I would look up to find him on the other side of the room. He always apologized profusely whenever this happened, saying I wasn't to blame; it was all his fault. That's when I would know I had pushed him too far and it was time for him to go out and find something suitable to eat, since I was not on the menu.

Reading, one of my favorite activities, had lost its allure. I found it hard to focus on a page and when I did, I would read the same paragraph over and over. I would find my mind wandering back to Edward, and if I looked at the clock once, I looked at it fifty times in a half hour.

I was unable to sit still and my room had never been cleaner or more well organized. The whole house was spotless and Charlie had never been so well fed. It was almost like I was trying to make up for the time in the near future when I knew I wouldn't be able to prepare dinner for him anymore. Why did all the good things in my life come at such a high price?

As I swerved along the meandering road nearing their house I caught sight of the giant cedars and I could smell their wonderful comforting aroma floating in the late June mist.

Alice was skipping around the front porch impatiently waiting for me to park my truck. "Bella!" she exclaimed as I eyed her warily, wondering what fresh mischief she had conjured up in anticipation of my spontaneous visit.

I suspected that Alice knew what I wanted to do before my old red truck's ancient windshield wipers came to a halt in the light rain.

"Hi, Alice," I called, climbing the stairs to the porch. She enveloped me in her cool, elegant arms and gave me a big hug.

"Hey, Bella. I'm so glad you dropped by."

"I've come with a special request," I started, hoping to steer the afternoon in a productive direction.

"I know, and I've already got all the elements in place," she said eagerly, leading me up the stairs to Edward's bedroom.

I wasn't surprised that she'd had a vision of my plan. "Before we get started I wanted to talk to you about something while Edward can't hear us," I said we approached his room.

"I thought all of this was a secret," Alice said with an impish smile.

"It is, but this is about the wedding," I said, and she looked even more excited than she had at my arrival. She began to bounce.

"Calm down, Alice, I need you to focus," I told her as I sat down on Edward's black leather sofa.

She gracefully folded her legs under herself and draped one arm along the back of the sofa. "I'm focused like a laser beam, Bella. What is it?"

"I love my dress, and I was just wondering if Edward had his wedding suit picked out yet?"

"Well, he has some formal wear already, a tux, and a morning suit. I'm not sure what he's going to wear. I've kind of been concentrating on you and all the other details." She sounded a little guilty, like I had caught her without her homework assignment done.

"That's what I thought. In the truck coming down your driveway it occurred to me that it would be nice if Edward had a suit that went with my dress. Something new but reminiscent of 1918; maybe a long coat, and sort of old fashioned collar and cuffs. I don't really know what that style would look like, but I figured you would."

She threw her arms around me and gave me another hug. "It's so thoughtful of you to come up with that. You two are going to look so perfect. I know exactly what you mean, and I'll get started on it today. I'm sure he will be happy about it, especially when he finds out it was your idea."

"Do you think there's any way we could keep it a surprise until the last minute? You know how hard it is to surprise him, and I thought this would be fun."

"I don't know, Bella. I'm not even supposed to be discussing the wedding with you while he's gone."

"What? Why not?"

"He thinks you need a little break from all the wedding plans."

I secretly agreed with him about that, but I wasn't happy that he had gone behind my back to prohibit Alice from even talking to me about it. At least he could have told me.

"Okay, Alice, but let's try to keep it a secret from him for as long as possible. I guess he might need to try the clothes on before the big day, anyway."

"That's not really a problem. He has perfect proportions. He's very easy to shop for, for clothes anyway."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Another example of Edward's perfection, as if I needed one.

Alice frowned. "Why does that make you sad, Bella?"

I hadn't realized I was looking sad. Would I ever conquer my insecurities? "It doesn't make me sad. It's just that I can never reach his level of perfection and I don't really know what he sees in me. I'm just not that special."

"I never thought I'd say this, but maybe you do need a break from planning the wedding. Trust me, Bella, Edward is a different person since he met you. He's never been in love with anyone but you, and you bring out the best in him. You are beyond special."

"Really, Alice? I would like to believe that; he does seem happier now than when we first met. But I've caused so much trouble for him, and all of you. And you've all gone out of your way over and over to help me…"

"Bella, you are family," she said fiercely. "You and Edward were meant for each other, and you were not the cause of any trouble. James and Victoria were evil; it was our fault for exposing you to them. You have no idea how much Edward and I both regret not being able to prevent that from happening."

"Alice, please don't blame yourself. You had no way of knowing what they would do before they saw me. And I was so happy to be here with Edward that day, nothing could have kept me away."

"You are the sweetest girl, Bella. No wonder Edward loves you."

"I know he loves me Alice. I mean, my mind knows it, and I know we're getting married and all, but he still doesn't seem thrilled about the idea of me becoming one of you." Maybe she could give me some perspective about Edward. They were very close, almost like twins with their special gifts.

"His nature will never let him be truly happy about that, but believe me, he has made the decision and he will follow through with it. And he will be happy when it is over and you are one of us. He just can't bear to see you in pain, and he hates that he's the one who is going to hurt you."

"But it would hurt me much more if he didn't change me. Doesn't he understand that?"

"I think this is something you should talk to him about, Bella."

"I've made myself clear about this subject more than once."

"He has agreed to do it. You have no idea what a relief that was for me. I felt responsible for you, you know. Because of our promise."

"I'm sure you were relieved. And so was I, and so happy. But lately he won't talk about it at all and I can tell he's not happy about it. I'm a little afraid he's going to back out."

"No, he won't back out. But if it's really bothering you so much, you should tell him. You need to be honest with him, Bella. It drives him crazy when he doesn't know what you're thinking, and he always imagines the worst."

She might be right, but talking to him about this subject wasn't easy. He tended to shut down completely and he just wouldn't respond. It was almost as if he was hurting himself now because he knew he was going to have to hurt me during my transformation.

And before, when he didn't want to hurt me he left me, almost killing me. I couldn't risk letting that happen again. Maybe I should just keep my concerns to myself and trust that he would go through with it all when the time came.

"Enough about me, let's get to work," I said, grabbing her hand and getting off the sofa.

She already had a stack of cds sitting next to his laptop. But before we could get started, Rosalie called to Alice with a question about music in foreign languages; she had some CDs in French and thought they might be a good idea. Alice left me alone on the black leather sofa while she went to sort Rosalie out.

It surprised me that she had enlisted Rosalie in this scheme. But since Edward announced our engagement, Rosalie had started to soften toward me. I couldn't quite figure it out but I wasn't going to question it, either.