Chapter Four
If Only
Sorry about not updating sooner. Thanks so much for the reviews, it makes me have the motivation to actually write more. Enjoy
The next few days went by too quick. Peeta and I slept together after that, and my emotions were to a minimum, in my eyes. I could tell Peeta was uncomfortable with me being all over the place, but he tried his best. Whenever needed, Haymitch basically pulled me off him when he saw it was getting hard to not do something rash. Effie recovered, still sighing sadly every time she saw me. And I felt that way too. I knew we were both thinking "Only one can get out. If I die, so does the baby. And if I make it, Peeta's gone. There's no way to win. Not now."
But he never noticed. Effie with her sighs, Haymitch with his close eyes on us, everything else was normal. Around the other tributes, I was treated normal by a few, but the others just shyed away, like they were scared they were going to catch something. This made me terrible depressed. The only time I felt completely like myself was with Cinna. Even though Octavia and the others were gushing about the "Tribute pregnancy scandal" I felt at home. Like no one cared. The stylists kept throwing around names, and what its future would be, but as usual, I blocked them out.
What really made my day was Cinna. The day before we were to be put in the arena, we spent the whole day together. We never once mentioned the baby until late at night. "Are you scared?" He asked softly. I tried not to cry, but my tears were already flowing. He enveloped me in a hug. "Yeah." I explained. "I am scared. Only one can get out Cinna. How is that going to be me? How do I know the baby won't die? And even if we both make it….." I trailed off, choking on my words. He understood. Peeta. Before I could react, Cinna propped me up, and walked coolly to the massive closet across the room. He emerged with a black jumpsuit, carrying it over to me. He sat next to me, letting me get a feel for it. Once I reached the abdomen area, I felt the fabric change.
"I put extra padding in the stomach for you. For protection. And right here" he poked a little pocket inside my left armhole "Are vitamins. You are going to start taking them. They make you and the child stronger. Okay?" he finished. I smiled, overcome with joy. I hugged him. "Alright." I said. The next few minutes we sat and went over the plans. Once Cinna had dropped me off at our hallway, we exchanged hugs again, and went our separate ways. Once in our room, I made my way to the couch, all alone. Maybe Peeta was with Haymitch. I didn't know.
I sat, thinking for a while. My hands eventually made it to my stomach, and I placed them there, feeling the tiny human inside me. How could something so small in this world be so big in importance? I lifted my shirt, wanting to be close to the child inside me. I thought about all the good times we would have with him. This child and Peeta. I couldn't be a mother. I couldn't even be a proper girlfriend. But I was having a baby. His baby. And, for a first, I let myself dream.
I imagined PJ playing with Prim, his bright eyes following her golden hair. Maybe Haymitch, letting the child climb upon him, him guffawing all the way. And Peeta. I could imagine Peeta, holding our child. When he would be older, teaching him how to make his famous bread. I would teach him how to hunt maybe. He would laugh and play all day, maybe in the meadow. Before I could go any further, I realized this would never happen. Never again. And none of us were safe, and for some reason, I knew PJ could sense it. This brought a deep upsetting onto my heart, and I felt as tough I was going to be sick.I was going to throw up…again. I ran to the bathroom, and sat retching. . There was no way we would be utterly safe. Safe was not a proper word in my vocabulary. If only there was a way….. If only. I had been trying to vow to myself not to hurt anyone. By bringing this child into the world, who was it helping? No one I know. I started crying, still trying to fight back the nausea, and terribly failing. I couldn't believe what a mess I was in. My head was hurting from all this action, and I started seeing spots. The last thing I remember was hearing the door open and then I blacked out.