The glow of the moons in the sky lights my way through the trees, in addition to the torch I have clutched in my hand. A crude little hand-axe hanging from my belt-loop bumps the side of my thigh, hitting a bruise from when I'd tripped on a plank of wood, bumped into one of the spikes for the perimeter fence…
It's been a very long 30 hours of work, and I just need to get away from everything. My palms are covered in scratches and splinters, my back feels like it's about to snap, and my feet…
Well, let's just say I wish I didn't have them.
A long day, yes… But a rewarding one.
The others are back in the new village we'd helped build, a mere mile from the previous one, now a crater in this planet's crust. The Kai-ba held a funeral banquet for the little boy, really just some fruit and a few unlucky animals they managed to hunt down last minute.
One of them, an elder named Teyrani, had told me in their halted, stuttering tongue that if they don't have a funeral banquet to send him off, the boy's soul will not be able to join his ancestors in Zok-ra. It's their version of heaven and the consequence of not getting in is being doomed to roam this worldly sphere as a malevolent spirit, tainted by his family's betrayal forever more.
His name was Pa-ruk, and he had only lived for 9 years.
I can't stop thinking of that little body being brought out to us, the looks on his family members' faces... Gazing at us as if we were gods, so hopeful that we might use our power to resurrect him.
If we had gotten there just a few minutes earlier…
And the Doctor's rage making him deaf to my pleas, to reason, toying with that Dalek. If I'm being honest, it was frightening and it hurt me, to know that I can no longer get through to him when he gets like that, when he becomes the manifestation of his demons.
We used to be each others' anchors… The first line of defense against ourselves. If I got too drunk on the power of manipulation, on the abilities I'd been cursed with, he'd gently pull me back to sanity, back to myself. For him, I'd do the same, remind him that he's not only a Time Lord, but a man, and a good one at that.
Now, though… Now… He's a stranger. He thinks he knows me, and I think I know him, but this is just a reminder that it's all a lie.
I let out a frustrated sigh, running a sore hand through my tangled hair.
Sooner or later, you're going to have to accept that you're stuck here, Evy. You're in this universe, he's the only Doctor you've got, regenerated and transdimensional or not, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I reach the edge of the trees, where I can see the T.A.R.D.I.S sitting about a half mile down the stretch of sandy beach. There are waves in the water now, no longer a looking-glass of still ocean, and the dull roar of them lulls me into a false sense of contentment. I fall to my knees in the sand and go to work plucking splinters out of my hands and arms, relieved to be off my feet. The torch sputters out of life in the sand, but I can see just fine.
The moons are much brighter on this planet, the light of them more gold than silver like Earth's moon. It reminds me of Fanriay, a planet where the currency was made of stone, and the buildings were made of solid gold. Stone was rare, a commodity to be treasured, while gold could be plucked out of the ground practically anywhere. It was like a gemstone to them, and the rich coveted plain rock more greedily than us humans covet diamonds.
I remember the Doctor giving me a gold circlet to wear after the festival, one he'd found abandoned in a waste-basket.
"Nah! It's fine, it's perfectly sanitary! They don't even have hair, you can't get lice from a species that doesn't host lice!" The Doctor says, a crooked grin on his face as he gently places the intricate gold head-piece on me. It's much heavier than it looks, and I slip my hand out of his to reach up to adjust it to fit a little better.
"Still, you just plucked it out of the trash? Who knows why they threw it away!" I say, but then I slow my pace when we pass a shop window, and I can see myself. My dark curly hair looks funny with the heavy circlet weighing it down. I look like a mushroom.
"Oh, wow. I'm breath-taking!" I say, my voice thick with sarcasm, before chuckling and reaching up to remove the silly thing. I place it on the steps leading to the shop.
Someone will probably think I'm littering…
"But you are." The Doctor says, a smile in his words, and when I glance at him, he's giving me that look. Melted amber eyes, one corner of his mouth tilted up in a smile.
"Oh, stop it. I think you're a bit biased." I say with a grin, taking his hand again, and he pulls me gently towards him, pressing his forehead to mine.
A few of the hairless, earless people pass us on the gold sidewalk, but they pay us no mind. It has always amazed me, how little people pay attention to us on our adventures. No matter how strange we look to them, they never seem to mind, never seem to discriminate much.
Maybe that's a strictly human trait?
One of the Doctor's hands picks up a curl as he often does, twirling it in his fingers, his eyes fixed upon it as if fascinated.
"Maybe you're the one who's biased…" He mutters, "I love your long hair, you know. It curls in a new way every single day, does what it wants to… Always so soft and strong, no matter what it goes through. Like you."
Impossibly, even after so long together, blood rises to my cheeks at the accolade. It's rare that he compliments me like this, no playfulness, no layered sarcasm.
His smile widens when he sees the blush, and I just laugh, snaking my arms around his neck to hug him.
I don't really realize that I've even stood up until I feel the water seep through my shoes, cooling my throbbing feet.
I miss you…
I bend down to wrench them off my feet and toss them over my shoulder, reveling in the feel of the cool sand and water rushing through my strained toes. One hand reaches up to stroke the length of my hair, a gesture I've always found comforting. It's nearly to my waist now.
Ever since he'd said that, I'd been hard pressed to cut it. He liked it long, I liked it long, it worked out nicely.
But you're gone in this universe, and my universe… Well, it never really existed now. Everything we did, everything we shared, everything we were lives only in me now.
And it's time to truly accept that.
I grab the stone axe at my side and lift it from my belt loop, gathering my loose curls into a ponytail at my neck.
I can't survive lingering like this, wishing I'd disappeared with you. What's done is done, I'm here, and even though I will always love you with all my hearts, every inch of my being…
I bring the sharp edge of the stone to the base of the ponytail, my eyes fixing upon the gold-tinted moons.
I can't do it. I can't dwell on the macabre dream of being with you once more.
Because the truth of the matter is I'm here, whether I want it or not. I'm alive, and there's a new Doctor here, whether he needs me or not.
I wince at the sound of my hair cutting on the jagged sharpness of the axe as I press it upwards. With a few sawing motions, the remaining hair falls forward to frame my face, the ends tickling my chin. I let out a breath, holding the ponytail of severed hair up to the moonlight.
A solid 10 inches of hair, my hair, a part of me separated. It seems appropriate though.
Fresh and new. The beginning of something.
I allow my grasp to loosen, and my hair drops into the ocean at my feet, immediately carried away from me.
"Evy? There you are!" I hear a voice, and when I turn, it's Jenny, carrying a torch of her own through the trees, "You missed the dance they did for Pa-ruk. It was pretty powerful, you would've liked it, I think."
"Oh, yeah, that's a shame, I… was just on my way to grab something from… the T.A.R.D.I.S." I say lamely, and she watches me with those amber eyes, her father's eyes, from before all of this happened.
"No you weren't." She says simply.
I put the stone axe back through a belt loop and let out a sigh.
"Yeah okay, I wasn't. I just wanted a moment." I say, shrugging and wading through the waves back to the dry sand. I plop down next to my discarded shoes and dead torch, bringing my knees up to my chest. I trace a pattern the Doctor had taught me once, the symbol for Gallifrey, their insignia, in the sand.
"I like your hair." She says, and I let out a chuckle.
"Thanks."
Jenny hesitates before striding over to plop down next to me. Her borrowed clothes, my clothes, or alternate Evy's clothes, or whoever-strikes-your-fancy's clothes, are baggy on her, she's so very petite and slender. Her brand new red hair looks to be ablaze in the gold light. She doesn't say anything, which I really appreciate. It's something the Doctor would have done for me, allowing me to take my comfort for myself instead of handing it to me.
"Have you… ever felt like you don't belong? Like no matter where you go, who you find, what you see, you'll never feel completely happy again?" I say finally, my fingers stilling in the sand, and she looks down at the insignia.
"I think I have. After Dad disappeared, I was so excited to travel, do all the things he told me a Time Lord could do. But it only took a few days to realize that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Without Dad, there was no one but me, no one to talk to or hug or hold my hand." She says, nodding slowly before a lazy smile spreads on her lips, "I had a few friends in the beginning, but they all became frightened or homesick, and I was alone again... Until Calix, that is. He wasn't afraid of me, of what I could do. He made me feel like maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was."
"That's how we were, your… Dad and I." I say, smiling despite myself.
"Were? Was it because he regenerated?"
"Well- It's complicated." I say shortly, and she drops her gaze from me to the insignia in the sand again.
"What does it mean?" She says after a long moment, and I look at her in surprise, wondering if she's making a strange, unfunny joke.
Her wide eyes hold no hint of that.
"Well, it's your symbol. Gallifrey's symbol, I mean. You know, your insignia, sort of like a family crest, only for the whole lot of you." I say, and she tilts her head, looking at the symbol with sudden interest. She reaches down to trace it with her own slender finger.
Why doesn't she know?
"Have you never… Were you not born on Gallifrey?" I say, and she shakes her head.
"I was born on Messaline, from a progenation machine. Barely even heard anything of Gallifrey." She says casually, and I try to keep my face from showing my shock.
A progenation what-now?
"Right, yeah. A progenation machine." I say, nodding my head, "What's that again?"
Jenny lets out a giggle.
"It extrapolates DNA from a single source to create a new combination of genetic information, thus a brand new, fully formed organism." She says, and I nod.
"So, it was just him. You're basically all… Doctor DNA. " I say, and she shrugs.
"Pretty much. But I'm two times the daughter he expected." She says with a grin, and I can't help but grin back.
"Bet he was real surprised." I say.
"Oh, Evy, you should've seen him. All gruff and grumpy, the big old teddy bear. Only took him an hour to crack and get all dad-like," She says and I laugh, imagining the Doctor trying to ignore his paternal instinct and failing miserably, "And when he thought I was dying… I think his hearts broke a little. I know mine did, when I came to and he was gone."
"He thought you died?" I say, my brows rising in sudden understanding.
That's why you never spoke about Jenny. Why bring up such a painful memory, losing this little ball of sunshine so soon after getting to know her…
Oh, Doctor… What other scars did you hide from me? How many wounds were you nursing in secret?
"Yeah, I got shot and it took a while for me to get the hang of regeneration. By the time he did, he and his friend were gone. After that, I left Messaline and never looked back, been traveling ever since. 50-ish years in my timeline..." She says with a thoughtful look on her face, and I nod, lifting my eyes to the moons once more.
"So Calix is a recent development then…" I say, and she smiles.
"Relatively recent, yeah. He's been hanging around for about two years, almost three."
I nudge her with my elbow, giving her a wink when she glances my way.
"And are you just mates? Or…?"
"Or." She says with a smile brighter than the stars, a little giggle escaping her.
"That's great, Jenny! He's handsome, and even I can tell he really cares about you. You should've seen the look on his face, fawning over you after your regeneration." I say and she sighs, nodding happily.
"Calix is my very best friend, and all I could ever ask for in a companion…" She says with a giddy smile, then becomes very serious in under a second, her eyes locking with mine, "And… I think I love him."
A beat of silence passe between us before I laugh, running a hand through my hair. It feels so strange, having it be so short.
"How about we let your Dad get used to him before you throw that out there." I say, standing up to dust the sand off me and holding my hand out to her, "C'mon, let's go get the boys. I might pass out if we don't get some rest soon."
"Jenny, your room will be somewhere in this general direction," the Doctor says, waving an arm to the doorway on the second level of the console room, "And you…"
The Doctor gives Calix an appraising look, straightening his bowtie.
"The T.A.R.D.I.S knows where to put you." He says, earning an uncertain smile from Calix.
"Knows where to put me? What's that supposed to mean?" I hear Calix mutter to Jenny as the Doctor turns his attention to me, his green eyes searching mine.
"You alright?" He says, his velveteen voice soft. I shrug.
"Yeah, course I am, why wouldn't I be? This is fantastic, I mean, she's your daughter! It's grovely. Lovely, great, I meant to say one or the other…" I prattle, and he presses his lips together against a smile.
"I meant your arm, looks like it hurts." He says, and I follow his gaze to my right arm, where admittedly now that he mentions it, does hurt a bit. The burn from those exposed wires isn't too bad, really. Just a bit red, a few blisters.
I've had worse.
"Oh, right… No, I'm fine, I'll just put some of that Lathanth Oil lotion stuff on it before bed." I say, cradling the arm against my chest, and he nods, rocking back on his heels. Silence lingers.
I see Jenny waving her arms behind the Doctor, puckering her lips and pretending to smooch someone, but I ignore her. Calix stifles a laugh, pressing a hand over his lips before they part to make their way to their respective rooms.
"So, I uh... I'm exhausted. I'm going to hit the hay, the dusty trail, the sack." I say, stretching my sore arms over my head, and starting to turn towards the resident bedroom wing.
"Evy, wait." He says, and his hand grasps mine. I allow him to hold it, and turn to look at him. My cheeks redden at the close proximity, my stomach turning a little when he just stares at me and doesn't say anything.
"Yeah, Doctor?" I finally say, my voice uncertain, and he clears his throat, his hand tightening around mine.
"Did you happen to realize that you are amazing?" He says finally, and I chuckle, my gaze dropping from his to my shoes, still soggy from their dip in the ocean.
"Well now that you mention it." I say sarcastically.
"I mean it. I know I'm not what you want, or expected. You'd never choose this, choose me... and yet here you are, holding my hand." He says with a tiny smile, looking down at our interlocked fingers.
I swallow thickly, words not forming on my tongue for a long moment.
"How could I not?" I say, and his green eyes soften and crinkle at the edges. I tug on his hand and we fall into an easy hug.
He holds me silently for a few moments, and I can feel his quickened four-beat pulse against my skin.
"By the way, nice hair, very rogue." He says, his smooth cheek moving next to mine, and I chuckle, pulling back to give him a quick kiss. Just a peck on the cheek, yet his eyes widen, his hand twitching up to touch where my lips had been.
It's so strange, how different he is, how child-like and new.
"Thanks, I'm glad you like it... Night, Doctor." I say softly, before making my way up the metal stairs to my bedroom, intending to take the quickest shower known to man before passing out on those lovely Rownish sheets.
This day... It feels like an important day. One of those many days I'll never forget. Jenny, Calix, the Kai-ba... The Doctor, all of us working together, all of us working towards creating positive change in the world.
I'll always remember it in perfect detail, like an engraving carved into precious metal.
The first very good memory I've had in this universe.
And I wouldn't change a minute of it.
A/N
Hi guys. Long time no see... or write, or read... Or whichever.
Missed you all, hope you enjoyed this. I loved writing it, I love all this new stuff to work with. I love Jenny as a character and what she means to the Doctor, and now, to Evy... Maybe sunspot Jenny is just what the they need :] a little light in their lives after all this darkness.
Super tired from school. This is the point in the semester where every professor decides to put us through hell, then drag us back to life, and send us back down to hell over and over, like... Every day.
So... I'm exhausted, but enjoying it! Can't wait to see where we go from here!
Lots of love,
-A.