Chapter 4: This must be what Hell is like

Sun shining through the window woke me the following morning. For a few blissful seconds, I lay there half-asleep, my mind not quite caught up to the events of the previous day. When I opened my eyes and realized where I was, I sat bolt upright in bed. Memories of yesterday flooded into my mind, and a wave of nausea at what I'd done coursed through me. Of course, the nausea could partly be due to the fact that I haven't eaten in about a day. I slowly dragged myself off the bed, feeling something press against my leg as I did so. Reaching my hand into my pocket, I pulled out Dumbledore's Deluminator. I'd forgotten about this. I placed it on top of the dresser before trudging down the stairs. Bill was sitting at the kitchen table eating a piece of toast and reading the Daily Prophet.

He glanced up as I sat down on his left. "Morning."

"Hey," I replied. Then, because I hadn't so much as glanced at the newspaper in months, I asked, "Does the Prophet even have reliable news anymore?"

"Nah, it's just a habit," he replied, folding the paper as Fleur entered the room. She pursed her lips disapprovingly at the sight of me but didn't say anything. Bill must've told her not to lecture me. I appreciated this; neither of them could possibly know how much I had already beat myself up about what I'd done, or how I would continue to hate myself until I'd set things right.

Fleur kissed Bill on the cheek before turning to me. "Zere eez bread on ze table and tea on ze stove," she said briskly.

I nodded my thanks and rose from the table. I paused before heading into the kitchen; food no longer sounded appealing, despite my growling stomach. And I didn't think I could stand sitting there with Bill and Fleur, attempting to have a normal conversation when we all knew the situation was anything but normal. I mumbled something about not being hungry, and practically ran from the room. Bursting out of the front door, I walked quickly towards the seaside cliff upon which Shell Cottage was perched. Maybe I'll starve to death, I thought. Then I laughed shortly. I'm probably the last person I know that could willfully starve himself. I reached the edge and stared down at the waves battering the rocky shore below. Or I could just fling myself off this cliff. Death had never sounded so inviting. But I quickly shook off the thought; my death wouldn't solve anything.

I sighed as I flopped down on the grass at the edge of the cliff, stretching my legs out in front of me and leaning back on my hands. I looked out over the sparkling water, and my eyes slowly traveled to the right where part of the cliff jutted out into the sea. I squinted against the glare of the sun and could just make out a dark splotch where water met cliff, which I assumed to be some sort of sea cave. I was instantly reminded of the afternoon of Dumbledore's funeral, when Harry'd told Hermione and me about facing Voldemort's Inferi in the cave where Voldemort had hidden the locket. As I'd done countless times in the six year's I'd known him, I found myself considering what I would have done in Harry's place. At first, I'd been jealous of his adventures. But now . . . If I was being honest with myself, I knew that I wouldn't have made it through most of the terrifying situations he'd faced. Which is why he's the Chosen One and I'm not. I smiled wryly. That's probably why Hermione chose to stay with him, even though she'd had the same doubts as I. She must've believed we'd come up with a plan eventually, since we always have before. Much calmer than I'd been at the time, I realized that we had made a significant discovery that day; a method for destroying Horcruxes brought us one step nearer to our goal of finally defeating Voldemort. Once again, I was reminded forcibly of the stupidity of my actions. Was that only yesterday? A lifetime seemed to have passed since then. My throat tight, I lay back in the grass, the heels of my hands pressed against my eyes. The rhythmic pounding of the waves below me must have caused me to doze off, because the next thing I knew, I was jolted awake by the sound of Bill's voice.

"Hey Ron."

I jumped up with a yell of surprise, forgetting that I was very close to the edge of a cliff. Bill grabbed my arm to steady me. My lips quirked up in a sardonic smile. Almost got my wish.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," Bill said as he let go of my arm.

"S'okay," I responded, shoving my hands in my pockets. I waited silently for Bill to speak again; I was pretty sure he hadn't come out just to get some air. After a few seconds, he cleared his throat.

"So, you want to tell me what exactly happened between you three?"

I didn't have to ask him who he meant. "No, not really," I answered coldly. I'd had a feeling he wouldn't maintain his no-questions-asked attitude for long.

"Right," Bill muttered with a sigh. "Okay then." He turned to head back to the house, but stopped after a few paces and came back. "I forgot—I brought you this." He handed me a stack of toast wrapped in a napkin. "Figured you'd be hungry." He gave me a quick smile before retracing his steps back to the cottage.

Unwrapping the toast, I realized I was pretty hungry, and proceeded to devour the food in two seconds flat. I stood watching the waves break and crash for a bit more, but it soon became an insufficient distraction to keep my thoughts at bay. I had to find something to do or I was going to go crazy, trapped inside my own head. Now I understand how Azkaban drives people mad, I thought grimly.

As I entered the house, raised voices from the direction of the kitchen caught my attention. I crept closer to listen, reaching the kitchen door just as Bill was saying, "—my brother, what do you expect me to do!"

"Well, 'e can't expect to be allowed to stay 'ere forever!" Fleur replied angrily.

"He'll be staying as long as he needs; I'm not about to turn him out to meet God knows what fate! He's family, Fleur, and don't forget, he's your family too!"

"No family of mine would do what 'e has done," Fleur hissed. "Dumbledore entrusted them with a meesion. 'Ave you even thought what effect zis may 'ave on ze outcome of ze war?"

Bill made an incredulous noise. "Stop it, Fleur. You're being ridiculous!"

I heard footsteps approaching the kitchen door and hurriedly stepped back as Fleur flung it open and stalked out. If she noticed me standing there, she gave no sign of it. I looked back at Bill, who frowned.

"How long have you been standing there?"

I shrugged. "Long enough," I replied shortly. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Fresh guilt gnawed at my insides as I considered Fleur's last words. "D'you think I have messed things up, you know, with Vol—"

"DON'T!!" Bill yelled, clapping a hand over my mouth.

I pushed his hand away angrily. "What was that about?"

"I forgot you wouldn't know—there's been a Taboo put on You-Know-Who's name. As soon as you say the name, it somehow breaks all protective enchantments and his Death Eaters can track you. We found out about it when they nearly got Kingsley; he only just managed to fight his way out. He's been on the run—no one's heard from him these past few days."

It was my first real glimpse into what the war had been like for everyone else. After being isolated for so long from any scrap of news, it was a bit of a rude awakening to realize just how bad things had become. My mind flashed suddenly to the inexplicable appearance of two Death Eaters in a café we'd chosen at random the night of Bill and Fleur's wedding. So that must be how they found us, I realized. None of us had used his name since then, because I'd yelled at the others when they had. Well, there's one good thing that came from my acting an ass, I thought ruefully. Jesus, I hope Harry and Hermione don't start using his name now that I'm gone.

"As for the question you were about to ask," Bill continued, "no, I wouldn't worry about that. It's just taking Fleur a bit longer to come to terms with . . . well, you know."

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I didn't want to cause you any trouble."

"Then you shouldn't have left in the first place!" Bill retorted. I looked down, flushing. Bill closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Which you've already realized, of course," he added more calmly. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I deserve it."

Bill looked at me for a long moment, an unreadable expression in his eyes. "Anyway, Fleur'll come around eventually. And I wouldn't worry about Harry and Hermione. I'm sure they'll be fine w—" He stopped abruptly, his ears reddening.

"They'll be fine without me," I finished tersely. "That's what you were going to say, wasn't it?"

"I—no, Ron, come on, I didn't mean it like that," Bill pleaded.

"Yeah, well, you're probably right," I snapped. I spun around, stomped up the stairs to my room, and slammed the door behind me.