Title: Only Time Will Tell

Rating: T

A/N: Thank you to everyone who continues to support this story by reading, following and/or favoriting it :) Special thanks to Montelini, michnkicks, ShimmerShimmerx and LUKELORE for your feedback :) Hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise). I don't really know what to say about this chapter other than after watching 4x01, seeing Hank visiting Justin's grave and being witness to that heartbreaking scene between Olive, Daniel and Hank, I felt the need to write about Justin's funeral since we didn't get to see it on the show and the story is set between 3x23 and 4x01 anyway so it only makes sense for the funeral to be part of it. Actually this chapter is only the lead up to the funeral, because it was getting a little too long. So I'm not sure how many more chapters there are to come after the funeral and I still haven't made up my mind about how to deal with the issue of her moving/not moving the body but I guess I'll most probably end it before that comes into play. Thank you again for sticking with me/this story. It means a lot :)

Cover art by: mehtiification

Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD or its characters.

Chapter 4: Holding On

When it comes to Erin Lindsay Jay Halstead has experienced the feeling of being utterly helpless on more than one occasion, but after they had gotten back together roughly 8 months ago he didn't think it would all go downhill for her, for them, in a matter of a few days.

At the moment Erin he is watching his partner, who is sound asleep next to him. He's actually surprised she called him to ask whether he wanted to come over earlier tonight, because she had opted to go without the comfort of his strong arms for the past three days in a row, claiming it was better she spent the night at Olive and Justin's place, because Olive and Daniel needed her.

He couldn't really argue with her logic, although he wishes she had let him be there for her, for them, too. He knows he's not an official part of their little family (yet), and considering Erin's commitment issues and all she's been through in her past he should feel lucky she's let this continue for as long as it has and has even let her walls down around him, even if it felt like they were back up in a matter of seconds, but it still stings that she won't lean on him for help when it's quiet obvious that she could really use an ear to listen or a hand to gently shake her awake when she has another one of her nightmares.

He knows that she has them and even if she's denied that she's been having trouble sleeping for the last couple of days, it is evident that his suspicions were correct when he hears her whimpering quietly in her sleep.

Jay reaches out, but pulls his hand back at the last second. He doesn't want her to know he's watched her sleep for the better part of the night. He knows she finds it creepy when he does that (or more like she pretends to), she's teased him about it countless times. But he's not sure whether she'd find it funny if she was aware he was watching her fighting off invisible demons in her sleep, because he knows she doesn't like showing her vulnerable side in front of anyone, not even the people closest to her.

Instead of waking her up, he wraps his body around hers, so that she's cocooned in the warmth and safety of his arms. He hopes he'll be able to provide her with some form of comfort through this action and it seems to be working because she's unconsciously snuggling closer into him, the heat radiating off of his bare chest warming her chilling body from the inside out.

Jay doesn't know how this day will turn out, if Erin will still turn to him after having to face the cruel reality of Justin being brutally ripped out of her life much sooner than she'd ever thought he would. What he knows is that Hank Voight will most probably be there (despite having totally gone off the grind since his son's death Jay can't imagine his boss would miss his son's funeral for anything in the world, not even for getting revenge on Justin's killer and all the things that might have set into motion) and he hopes for Hank and Erin's sake that they'll be able to put aside their difference and mourn the death of their family member in peace.

Erin has been awake long enough to realize that she must've had another nightmare (she's started having them quite frequently since she's decided sleeping at Olive's, without Jay, was what was best for everyone at the moment) which must've prompted Jay to pull her closer and into his warm embrace. She knows he was probably up most of the night watching her sleep because he's worried about her, worried that she's gonna spiral again like she did after Nadia. His worry is definitely not unfounded and she appreciates his concern for her, but at the same time it makes her want to run away and find another way to numb the pain, anger and grief coursing through her body. She hates herself for it, for always feeling the urge to run as soon as things become more serious and someone gets too close to her, but it's been her saving grace since she's been a teenager and it's hard to shake old habits and even harder shake that past that she's been trying to forget and get away from ever since the Voight's took her in on that faithful day in November. November 13th 2001 the day that would be forever etched in her memory as the day Hank Voight saved her life by choosing to give her a second chance, the possibility to turn her life around and be better for it.

The different emotions warring inside of her are almost too much and make her want to get up and escape the shelter of his arms and retreat to the sanctity of her bathroom, to calm her racing heart and thoughts.

Ignoring her body's natural flight instinct is becoming more difficult with every second that ticks by, but for once she's able to fight back and snuggles closer into her partner's chest.

She wants to hold on to this moment and cherish it for as long as she can, because she isn't sure what will happen to them and their relationship after today. The day they have to bury the man she's considered her brother for almost half her life.

Erin now more than ever wishes she had a crystal ball to tell her what the future holds, to tell her they are all gonna make it out of this unscathed and be able to continue on their respective paths in life without the consequences of what has been done looming over their heads.

But since she doesn't have any spiritual or magical aids to help calm her nerves she settles for staying in her little bubble of peace and quiet just for a little while longer, before she carefully extricates herself from the refuge his arms provide her with and sits up, prepared to leave the man she's been in love with for quite some time now (even if she hasn't managed to admit it out loud yet) and trusts with her life, behind and get ready for a day that might end up making or breaking their relationship.

She hasn't counted on Jay's quick reflexes though. His hand shoots out the instant she moves away from him and latches onto her arm, effectively preventing her from getting up and putting any more distance between them.

"What are you doing?" he asks and the question is loaded with so much underlying uncertainty and fear, the fear of losing her or of already having lost her, that it makes her heart ache in her chest and she turns back around to face him.

"Getting ready," she responds calmly, trying to keep her voice void of emotions.

"It's only 7am, Er. The…It doesn't start until 11."

She knows he was gonna say "the funeral" but changed his mind because he was being considerate of her feelings. She doesn't want him to though. For once she wants him to be an inconsiderate jerk so that she can be mad at him, concentrate on something other than having to say one final goodbye to Justin in only a few hours. She's not prepared to do it and thinks that maybe if she just stays here in her apartment with Jay she can block out the events of the past few days and pretend that everything is fine and that Justin won't be lying six feet under, buried beneath the cold, hard cemetery ground, by the end of the day instead of being at home with his wife and recently turned 1-year-old son.

"Jay," she sighs, "I promised Olive to stop by before we have to leave for the funeral service at the cemetery chapel. Her sister's flight got delayed so she won't arrive until late this afternoon which means I'm the only support she's got right now, considering…" she stops, not willing to acknowledge that Hank has only stepped by once in the past 3 days.

She huffs out a breath of frustration and with finality in her voice that leaves no room for argument she says, "I still need to shower before I leave, so I have to get up now or otherwise I risk being late."

"Okay," he relents, but doesn't loosen the hold on her arm until he's managed to give her a quick kiss on the lips. It's no more than a peck, but even that brief contact manages to make her heart flutter in her chest and swell with love for the man who has done nothing but support her and have her back ever since they became partners 2 ½ years ago.

He finally lets her go and she moves out of bed and towards the adjoining bathroom. Before she's completely disappeared from view she turns around one more time and says, "You are welcome to stay here as long as you want to. Since I have to stop by at Olive's and take Olive and Daniel to the cemetery later I think it's better if we drive separately anyway, so you could go back to sleep…"

"I think I'll head home and change during the time you're spending at Olive's," he replies. Not mentioning that he's brought one of his suits with him (just in case) and it's currently in the back of his car, just waiting for him to get down to the parking lot and retrieve it.

"Ok, then I'll see you at the cemetery," she confirms with a nod and then she's gone and soon Jay hears the unmistakable sound of the shower running.

Instead of taking her up on her offer of going back to sleep, he gets up and locates his clothes at the other end of the room, he puts his shirt, jeans and socks back on and leaves the room moving through her apartment with practiced ease even though the first rays of the early morning sun are the only sign of light.

When he arrives in her kitchen, he opens her fridge and looks around for ingredients that are actually still edible and that he can use to whip up a decent breakfast for Erin, because he knows she'd skip it otherwise and her body needs all the strength it can get at the moment. A balanced nutrition and making sure she stays hydrated are good first steps in the right direction, so when she comes out of her bathroom about 20 minutes later and heads to the kitchen to retrieve her morning dose of caffeine, her nostrils not only get hit with a wave of the delicious aroma freshly brewed coffee but also of Jay's homemade pancakes and her gratitude towards him skyrockets instantly.

Her face breaks out into a smile before she can stop herself at the side of him wearing an apron and flipping a pancake and she manages a "thank you" before hungrily digging in to the food Jay's set out on the countertop for her.

The thought of having breakfast had completely slipped her mind, but leave it to her boyfriend to know this would happen and make sure she got something into her empty stomach nonetheless.

They eat in silence and after they are done, Erin moves to take care of the dishes, that's the least she can do after he's cooked for her, but he gently swats her hands away and says he'll take care of it and that he wants her to go and get dressed so she won't be late.

She feels guilty for a few moments, because he's done so much for her over the past few days and she's sidelined him, to wrapped up in her grief, anger and dealing with what went down at the silos to think about the fact that even though he didn't just lose a family member it must have felt to him like he was losing her, because she was shutting him out again.

But on the other hand she was only doing it to protect him. She can't tell him what happened for fear of someone finding out and him having to go down with them because he had knowledge of what went down and didn't alert the higher ups about it. No, if someone has to go down for this, she knows one thing for sure: it won't be Jay. She'll do everything in her power to stop that from happening.

When she arrives back in the kitchen another 15 minutes later, the clock is running after all, she finds Jay leaning against the countertop, having cleaned away all remainders of their breakfast in the time she took to get ready.

She makes her way over to where he stands and hugs him tight, even if she doesn't have the words to say how much she appreciates him being there for her right now, she wants to assure him that she's thankful for what he does and before she pulls away she leans in and whispers, "I know it might seem like I'm trying to sideline you in all of this, but the truth is I don't know how to go on after everything that's happened with Justin…and Hank. Having you here by my side through all of this makes holding on and not letting go a lot easier, because it's you I'm holding on to…"

Embarrassed by her little show of emotion she tries to make a quick escape towards the front door of her apartment, but Jay's reflexes once again provide him with the advantage of catching her before she can get away.

"Hey, not so fast…," his arms wrapped tightly around her from behind, his voice rings out close to her ear and then he spins her around so she's facing him, drops a gentle kiss to her lips and admits, "There were times when I felt like quitting and just giving up, when I felt like I could barely breath, but being with you has giving me a reason to hold on too."

His eyes shine with unspoken love and his little admission makes her a lot happier than she thought she could and would be today.

The smile that had crept onto her face after she heard him say she was his reason for holding on, diminishes slightly when she remembers what today is all about and what lies ahead of them, but when she makes her way out of the apartment she's still in a better mood than she has been in for most of the week, that counts for something, right?