(A/N) All righty, so we've seen Kallus with Arkalia, but this time around, we'll be seeing her with the rest of the Ghost crew. I also kinda feel like this first scene would do better at the end of the last chapter, so I may move it some day, but for right now, it's right here. Hope y'all enjoy! : - )
The Colder the Winter, the Warmer the Spring
Chapter 4: Connection in an Isolating Age
In spite of the fact that the Spectres had essentially thrown Alex a welcome breakfast, they still insisted on having the welcome dinner they'd been putting together when he'd fallen asleep the previous night.
"And you'd better stay awake this time," Ezra scolded him as Hera and Rex prepared everything, cooking with the power of the portable generator they'd brought from the Ghost. "All we got last night thanks to that little stunt were ration bars."
"Then I shall do my best not to work myself to within an inch of my life in the next half hour," he returned in response to Ezra's teasing tone.
"Good, 'cuz if you working yourself to death leads to me not eating, we're gonna have problems," Ezra fired back, a spark of amusement lurking beneath the mock-serious expression on his face.
"Glad to know you have your priorities in order," he said with a smirk.
"Oh, I'm on it. I'm sharp. Nobody gets to work themselves to death on this ship," Ezra said with a stiff nod and the same mock straight face.
Sabine brought out the entertainment for the night when she brought Arkalia's bottle down from the ship, passing the bottle to Alex as she pulled out a holo-capture, going around and taking images of everyone – Rex and Hera cooking, Chopper chasing Ezra around with his electrified manipulator, Alex feeding Arkalia, Hera and Kanan sitting together, and the moment after when Kanan stole a kiss, Ezra and Zeb arguing over the last bantha tenderloin, Rex stealing it for himself, Zeb actually feeding Alex while he continued to feed Arkalia, Chopper briefly running away with the kit so Alex would properly eat, Arkalia's wild and exciting ride with Chopper, Zeb retrieving her when Alex was driven near to distraction, several images of Alex holding Arkalia while Zeb held them both, even one image where she got them all together as a group.
"You'll send me some of those later, won't you?" Alex asked the young Mandalorian. "I think...I would like to have some of them...for when I return."
"No problem. That's actually kinda why I did it," she explained, finally shutting the capture down so she could finish the last of her meal. "Thought you might like to have something to keep with you."
"Oh. Thank you," he said quietly as he looked down at Arkalia, fed and freshly changed, but still cranky for some reason. He felt like the smile on his face could only be described as helpless. He really just wasn't used to this level of kindness, which was why he needed to tell himself it wasn't weakness when he leaned a little further into Zeb's embrace, the Lasat wrapping his arm a little more firmly around his shoulders as he reached down to stroke behind the agitated kit's ears.
"Aw, Kali, you're just like this one, aren't you," Zeb teased the little girl, smiling sideways at Alex. "Won't sleep even if you're tired."
"Well, perhaps she has a good reason to stay awake," the former Imperial sniffed, though he was still smiling himself.
"Like what?"
"Well...she hasn't had her song yet," he noted thoughtfully as he lifted the baby to rest against his chest, wondering if it was only the one song she enjoyed or if she maybe liked singing in general. Could he test that theory? He really didn't know all that many songs. That sort of behavior had never been encouraged by the Empire. But there was one he found himself half remembering – he didn't know where from. Not likely the academy. More probably from his days as a ward of the state, back in the days of the dying Republic. Or could it have been from before that, even? Back before he'd been surrendered? Did he actually remember anything from that far back?
Doesn't matter, he concluded. All it meant now was that he might have a new song for Arkalia, or part of one, at least. So, joining Zeb in stroking her head, he began to sing what he could remember.
Now I know you're safe here in my heart
You will always be with me
We'll never be apart
Love survives beyond our lives
I feel those times growing stronger
Love survives the tears we cry
Yes, love survives it all
Love survives it all
Alex sang the broken refrain through a few times, pleased to see Arkalia settling down until, at last, she yawned and fell asleep against his chest. For several moments, he was aware of nothing but the sleeping kit in his arms and Zeb's arms around them both. When he was finally drawn out of their little sphere, it was by Hera's gentle voice.
"You wouldn't know it to look at you, but you've actually got a half decent voice. Probably just out of practice."
"Don't suppose the Empire condones that sort of thing," Rex put in.
"Not really, no. I'm not entirely certain where I heard the song. That isn't even the whole of it. I just wondered if her mother's lullaby was the only song she liked," he answered softly, still looking down at Arkalia.
"Well, mystery solved. Guess she just likes bein' sung to," Zeb said, leaning in to nuzzle at Alex's temple. "Gonna have to brush up on our singin'."
"Hmm. The Ghost choir of Lothal. Has a certain ring to it," Kanan said with a nod.
As the group began to debate the merits of teaching Chopper to harmonize, Zeb was suddenly whispering in his ear, "Yeah, this lot'll be at this for a while. We should probably get this little princess to bed before they wake her. I think you could do with more sleep, too."
Alex nodded his agreement, rising carefully from his seat along with Zeb. Nodding their goodnights to the other Spectres, they made their way back aboard the Ghost, heading toward Sabine's open quarters. The collapsible changing table had been put away, but the space was still occupied by another collapsible piece of furniture – a crib for the baby girl. When Alex laid her down in it, she shifted a few times before finally settling down to sleep.
"And she'll- be all right on her own? Until Sabine comes to bed?" Alex asked, glancing back over his shoulder as Zeb led him from the room.
"Sure. Nothin's gonna happen to her on board the Ghost. Besides, if she does wake, I'm pretty sure we'd be able to hear her from our bunk anyway."
Alex found himself once again blushing mildly at the use of the word 'our'. He'd been doing that a lot these last few days, blushing.
"And...will we both fit in that bunk?" he asked as he was led into the small room, the question the least awkward way he could think of to ask if they would be sharing the bed this time. For several moments, the only response he received was the Lasat's pleased purring.
"Gonna be really cozy, but I think we can make it work. We've done with less, you 'n me," he said, smiling warmly as he looked down at the former Imperial.
Alex gave an answering smile of his own, but also felt something both joyous and painful twist within his heart at the open adoration in the Lasat's eyes. Had he ever wept from sheer joy before? He didn't think so, and hopefully he wasn't going to start now. Instead he leaned in to press his forehead against Zeb's once more.
"We have at that," he said softly, voice just on the verge of breaking. "And I'm so happy we did."
"Alex," Zeb sighed in bliss, the purr from earlier returning briefly as he pulled Alex into a kiss.
For several minutes, all either of them could seem to manage was to stand there, languishing in the kiss and the feel of just holding each other. When Zeb managed to pull away long enough to press a kiss to the juncture of his jaw and neck, Alex gave a sharp gasp at the velvety warm feel of his lips against the bare skin. At the sound, the Lasat actually shuddered against him.
"Aw, Karabast," the former guardsman muttered in only partly faked annoyance. "If you keep makin' sounds like that, we aren't gonna be doin' much sleepin' tonight. Wouldn't really be fair to the kid. Which side do you want? Edge of the bunk or up against the wall?"
Alex had to wonder if Zeb was aware of what he'd said, because literally no part of him would have objected to being up against the wall where Zeb was concerned. It took every last ounce of self control he possessed not to say as much. It would, indeed, not have been fair to Ezra. So he instead went with a more practical approach in an attempt to walk his thoughts back from that almost inevitable direction.
"I think- I would prefer the wall," he said with a small nod. "I'd like to be between that and you."
"Your wish is my command," the Lasat said with a light chuckle, sweeping an arm toward the bunk. "After you, ni alitha," he finished, voice briefly switching to the more purred, rolling tones of Lasana.
"What does that mean?" Alex couldn't quite keep himself from asking as he followed Zeb's lead, kicking off his boots before crawling onto the bed.
"Ah," Zeb started, ears twitching anxiously as he scratched at the back of his head. If Alex was interpreting the darkening of his cheeks correctly, he might've actually been blushing. "It's- not got an exact translation. Its literal meanin' in Basic is 'my sparring partner', but that means somethin' different in Lasana. Precious...darlin'...sweet," he offered up helplessly. "I guess it's like sayin' 'you're the only one I want to spar with'. Y'know, foolish pet names. It- it was silly," he said, shrugging as he sat down on the bunk beside Alex.
The former Imperial had thought his smile couldn't grow wider, but Garazeb Orrelios had proved him wrong yet again with that one. Reaching forward to cup the Lasat's cheek in his hand, he brushed a thumb along the heated skin. "In no way was it silly, Zeb...ni alitha," he tried the words out, and whether he'd said them right or not, the near-stricken smile on Zeb's face was worth it. "How did I do?"
"Pretty good. That th in the middle's a bit harder, but you almost got it."
"Then I'll just have to keep saying it until it's perfect...ni alitha," he tried again, smiling as he leaned in for another kiss. He felt something in his heart melt a little at the way Zeb's lips shifted into a smile against his.
"Beautiful," the Lasat warrior said softly as he pulled back from him, and in Alex's experience, it was not a word he used often. He would have to treasure it for what it was.
"Ni alitha," he said again as they lay down together. "My darling."
My beloved.
Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that he could be the cause of such a look in Zeb's eyes – like he was the happiest he'd ever been, but that he might've also been about to burst into tears. Reaching across the minimal space between them to cup Alex's face in his hands, he nuzzled up as close to him as he could get without actually initiating a new kiss.
"Ashla, but I could look into those eyes all night, but you need your rest. We'd better do this back-to-chest."
Alex actually laughed at that one, beginning to shift so that he was lying facing the wall while being careful not to knock Zeb from the bed. "Whatever you need to do to sleep."
"Oh, I dunno that I'll sleep. Mostly, I just wanna lie here and hold you," Zeb said as he draped an arm across Alex's middle in order to cradle him securely against his chest. "But you do need to sleep."
"Zeb, I really hope that's just you being a romantic fool and not actually threatening to lose sleep over me," the former Imperial called over his shoulder as he reached his opposite hand up to entwine his fingers with Zeb's.
"Guess we'll find out in the mornin'," the Lasat said with a yawn.
"Zeb-" he started in warningly.
"G'night," Zeb called in a sing-song sort of voice to let Alex know he was done talking about it. Sighing, he closed his eyes and cuddled a little closer against the Lasat's chest, briefly squeezing his hand just a little tighter. The Fulcrum agent felt the returned pressure of those thick, strong fingers against his for only a moment before his still-battered body finally began to catch up with him, flipping a switch in his brain and overwhelming him with exhaustion.
"Good night, Zeb," he whispered as he drifted off, half-wondering if it was all going to prove to be a dream, if he might just wake up back aboard the Lawbringer. After all, how could it be real? Any of this? He couldn't remember a time when he'd been this happy...didn't think he'd ever been, if he were honest with himself. How could it last?
How was he going to make himself go back when it was over?
XxX
When Sabine woke early the next morning, it was to the sound of Arkalia's cranky whimpers. The kit wasn't all the way awake yet, but she would be soon.
"Better head that one off at the pass," the teenaged artist said to herself as she climbed down from her bunk, going to the cradle to first make sure Arkalia didn't need changing. When that turned out not to be the case, she headed out of the room, making her way to the galley while yawning nearly every step of the way.
Grabbing herself one of the meiloorun pasties from the refrigeration unit, she went about preparing the little Lasat's bottle while she munched on her own impromptu breakfast.
Who'd have thought it, she found herself thinking as she parsed out the proper serving of milk from one of the thermals. Before long, we're going to have some kind of miniature Zeb running around.
But then, there were a lot of things a sane being wouldn't have thought just a few months back. Zeb and Kallus, for one. She didn't think she was ever going to forget the tiny, secretive smile that had lit the Lasat's face after she'd delivered the ISB agent's message after the Skystrike mission.
"Tell Garazeb Orrelios...we are even. But I do still expect that rematch," the agent had said with a small, reticent smile of his own.
It was only after that admittedly bizarre exchange that she'd started to pay more attention to their interactions with each other, and had started to see what she'd missed before – what would've been so blatantly obvious to anyone who'd actually been paying attention.
Somehow, in spite of everything, the two men had started to fall for each other. And now they were finally getting to see the blooming of those seeds that had been planted who could say how long ago. If enemies like Zeb and Kallus could learn to see past their differences to find someone worth caring for...hell...maybe anyone could manage it. Maybe there was hope for the galaxy after all?
"Mornin', Sabine," she heard Rex call to her just as she was finishing up the bottle.
"Hey, Rex."
"Not used to seein' you out and about quite this early."
"Better get used to it. We'll all be keeping some pretty odd hours these next couple months."
"I believe it. Little Miss Kali awake then?"
"Not just yet, but she's going to be. Very soon."
"Best get back to her then. Can't have the little nipper makin' a ruckus too early. Let me know if you ever need a break, though. I'm always right here," the clone reminded her as he went about preparing the morning caf.
Something in his voice, though she couldn't guess what, caused the young Mandalorian to look back at the clone captain. He didn't look any different, just his usual mostly-cheery self as he went about his typical morning routine, but it seemed to her she'd been noticing a lot more things ever since she'd picked up on Zeb and Kallus. In this case, it was the fact that Rex had seemed to have moments like this a lot since the whole Arkalia business had started – like there was something just beneath the surface he was afraid of letting others see.
"Gar jahaala?" she asked him.
Are you all right?
Even though she knew he spoke Mando'a, she didn't often do it with him for reasons even she couldn't quite figure out. It was his surprise at her use of their birth language, more than anything, that probably jolted him into answering truthfully.
"Lek," he answered simply, but then sighed before giving her a proper answer. "Ni slanar at ner cyar'ika...ner Ahsoka. Ni...Ni shi...Ni or'trikar par kaysh," he said, briefly squeezing his eyes shut before turning away from her, attempting to go back to what he'd been doing.
Ah. So that was it. He was missing Ahsoka. They had all known there had been something between the clone captain and his Jedi commander, but neither had exactly been forthcoming about what that something was. Rex wouldn't talk about Ahsoka after her death, and this was the first time Sabine had heard him refer to her as cyar'ika – beloved. The fact that he'd told her this in Mando'a also spoke to the depths of his grief, even if it wasn't visible on the surface. Grief was sometimes difficult to express in their warrior's mother tongue.
"I'm sorry," she said, switching back to Basic to relieve him of the immediacy and the intensity of his grief. "I didn't know."
Rex managed a small, pained laugh at that, quickly wiping the bright shine of tears from his eyes. "That was sorta the idea. We never wanted to muddy things up...with the Rebellion and everything. Heh...oh, Ahsoka...what would she say if she could see me like this?" he wondered as he glanced down at his hands, which had begun to tremble just a little before he'd mastered himself, clenching them into fists.
"I don't know that...not really," she said as she moved back toward the captain, tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder. "But I think she might say that...she's proud of you...and...that she misses you, too."
Rex tensed beneath her touch from the first, but just as he was beginning to relax, he heard her words and a tiny, choked sound escaped his throat. As he was facing away from her, Sabine couldn't see what his actual response was, but when he spoke again, it was in a mostly steady voice.
"Vor entye, Sabine Wren," he said formally, briefly resting a hand on top of hers, expressing the depth of his gratitude through the subtlety of their birth tongue. When he turned back to her, all signs of his near breakdown had been smoothed from his face. "It may not seem like much, but it helps. She would'a loved this, though...seein' that little nipper find herself a family. Better get back to her while you still can," he finished with a nod.
"Right," she started as she moved a few steps back. "Rex?"
"Hmm?" he asked, looking back up at her.
"You know we're- here...if you ever need to talk."
"Yeah, I know," he said, waving her off. "Go on. You've got more important things to take care of."
He wouldn't, Sabine found herself thinking as she headed out of the galley. Not for one moment did she think Rex would ever actually want to talk. He was just as hard-headed as any son of Mandalore. More so, really. But maybe if they could get Kallus to open up, they might also have a little success with Rex, too. Sabine grinned as she approached her bunk, feeling the familiar flare of inspiration as it coiled in her chest, firing out to her fingers with a hunger to be expressed. Arkalia was just letting out her first demands for attention as Sabine entered the room, clearly not pleased with having been left alone.
"I know. I know. Good morning to you, too, little loth cat," Sabine said as she crossed the room, quickly lifting the baby Lasat from her cradle and plopping the bottle in her mouth. Arkalia latched on immediately, first with both hands, then with both feet. Sabine laughed as she watched. "Let's not wake everybody up too early this morning, yeah?" she teased, leaning down to nuzzle the little girl's ear as she fed.
While Arkalia guzzled contentedly at her bottle, ideas were sweeping through Sabine's head faster than she could seem to commit them to memory. Just as soon as the kit was taken care of, the paint was coming out.
"What do you say, baby girl? It's early yet. Wanna spend the morning painting with your Aunt Sabine?" she asked when Arkalia had finally given up on the bottle, jerking her head away with a messy few dribbles of milk and a very happy trill. Logically, she knew the kit couldn't understand what she was saying but, as an artist, Sabine Wren had always erred on the side of utterly screwing logic. Nobody could tell her her new charge wasn't just as excited as she was about getting to paint. So, laying her out comfortably on a blanket spread over her floor, Sabine retrieved her supplies, spreading everything out and talking aimlessly while listening to Arkalia trill and coo.
"First things first, we're gonna paint all your stuff. It all looks so boring. We can't have that," Sabine chided, as if it were somehow someone's fault that the universe lacked artistic vision. "What do you think? Dejarik pattern for the crate?" she asked, waving a paintbrush dripping with white paint over the little kit's head. Arkalia reached for the brush with a smile, but Sabine quickly snatched it away, leaving a few drops of the white pigment on her arm.
"Ah-la. Ah-la," she babbled tunefully, continuing to reach out. Between brushes dripping with paint and a few other toys, Sabine managed to keep the little girl occupied while she worked. The storage crate was soon just as dejariked as many other things in her quarters.
"And for the changing table, I think we're gonna go nova-style coloring," she commented as she unfolded the table, priming it to cover the surface in the colors of an exploding star. By the time it was finished, the baby had several artfully placed streaks of orange, green, and blue paint in her fur. But when Sabine attempted to pull the brush back again, Arkalia actually reached out with her foot, toes curling to trap her wrist before she could retreat.
"Crafty little girl," Sabine complimented her, carefully disentangling herself from the strong grip of the baby's prehensile foot. "We'll make a rebel out of you yet," she said before painting a tiny smattering of pink dots across the bottom of her foot, drawing a delighted squeal from her.
"Then there's the crib," she continued, not completely certain what she wanted to do as she stared at the plain plastoid frame. Arkalia just purred, foot reaching out for a stuffed loth cat toy and retrieving it with a triumphant smile.
"Y'know, my father put a modified jaig pattern on the cradle my brother and I slept in. You don't strike me as the jaig type, though," she said absently as she dipped her brush into an open container of royal purple paint, swirling the brush through the thick substance as she let herself mull, hoping for an idea to come to her. When Arkalia caught her attention again, though, it was because she'd rolled over on her blanket, whining insistently as she stretched her hands toward the container.
Huh. That was something. Sabine vaguely recalled reading somewhere that Wookiee pups could roll over on their own at five months, so maybe it was the same with Lasat kits. It would definitely give them a better estimate for her age. Smiling at the little girl, she reached her dripping brush forward and painted the palms of her hands, initiating a new round of excited trilling.
"Heheh, I can tell you're going to be trouble, Miss Ari," Sabine scolded, unable to help her smile. "Tristan used to get into my paints, too...if I didn't watch him. But I guess he's the reason you've got such a good babysitter now," she told the kit, her mind wandering for several moments as her thoughts drifted back to her brother. How many years had it been since she'd seen him? Had he gotten taller? Did he still think about his big sister?
Slowly shaking off the thoughts that could bring her nothing but pain, Sabine refocused her attention on Arkalia just in time to watch her press her tiny painted hands against her blanket, leaving a series of adorable little four-fingered handprints scattered along the white fabric.
Sabine laughed as she watched the kit roll over again, trilling happily. "Okay, maybe white wasn't the best choice," she conceded, relieved that Hera had at least let her get the baby-safe paint set. Arkalia could swallow a jar of the stuff and it wouldn't matter.
Except...looking at the messy crawl of the kit's tiny handprints across the blanket, the young artist was suddenly struck with an image of the exact design she wanted. She knew how she was going to paint the cradle. Immediately mixing herself a lighter shade of purple, she set to work painting the base coat.
She worked tirelessly on her new piece for about an hour or so before deciding it was ready for the finishing touches.
"Ready to help me out one more time, Ari?" she asked as she scooped up the baby girl, lifting her brush one last time to paint the kit's hands. Then she carried her to the cradle, showing her the main body of it that had been painted to match the patterning of Zeb's fur. Recognizing it, Arkalia cooed eagerly and reached out her hands for it, placing them directly on the front of the bassinet and leaving a pair of dark purple hand prints behind when Sabine swiftly whisked her away.
"Geh, geh, geh!" the kit protested, continuing to reach out for the familiar patterns on the cradle.
"Geh? I know, everyone's a critic," Sabine said with a small laugh as she resettled the baby in her arms, making sure she was sitting comfortably on one arm while holding her against her chest with the other.
"Hey, Sabine? You awake?" Ezra's voice suddenly sounded from the other side of the door.
"Yeah. Come on in," she called back. When the door slid open with its usual mechanical hiss, it was to admit the Jedi padawan with a fresh bottle and a plate of toast.
"Sorry to barge in. It's just getting a little past breakfast. Rex mentioned you were in earlier, but I figured you might still be hungry if you were working on something new."
"Oh, wow. Thanks," she said, eyeing the plate hungrily for a moment before offering Arkalia to Ezra. "Think you can take her?"
Ezra looked worried for a moment, but he ultimately smiled down at the kit and nodded. "Sure. No problem. Hey, kitten. You're just a complete mess, aren't you," he teased as he swapped the plate he was carrying for the baby.
"Guess so, but she sure had fun doing it," Sabine said as she shoved a whole piece of toast in her mouth.
"What about you? You hungry?" Ezra asked as he tried to offer her the bottle, which Arkalia flatly refused, reaching her hands back toward the cradle instead. When Ezra finally realized what it was he was looking at on the cradle, he may or may not have felt his heart melt a little. "Sabine, is...is that..."
"Yup. Just finished," she declared proudly.
"Okay, what's going on back here?" Kanan's voice suddenly interrupted as he, Hera, and Rex appeared in the doorway. "That mental squeak was loud enough to trip sensors."
"You have a mental squeak?" Sabine asked Ezra, raising an amused eyebrow at him.
"What do you want? That's adorable," the young Jedi exclaimed in exasperation. "I reserve the right to squeak as much as I want and not be thought any less manly for it."
"Not sure how the words 'manly' and 'squeak' manage to wind up in the same sentence, but this is Ezra we're talkin' about here," Zeb added, he and Kallus making an appearance not far behind, but then he actually caught a glimpse of what Ezra was looking at. "Oh...oh..."
"This...this truly is beautiful, Sabine," Hera complimented.
"Does- someone feel up to explaining to the blind guy what we're all looking at?" Kanan finally asked, shrugging helplessly
"Absolutely," Sabine started in excitement, coming forward to lead the knight over to the cradle, even though it wasn't strictly necessary. "I painted Arkalia's cradle with something from each of us. Here," she began to explain, taking his hand and guiding it over the lines of the freshly dried paint. "The main body of the cradle's painted to look like Zeb's fur. I painted the support struts to look like Chopper's treads. And then up here, beside the first carrier handle, I painted my starbird. Over on the other side is a loth cat for Ezra. Then up on the shell part of the bassinet, I painted the patterns on Hera's lekku around the frame, and around the back of it, I've got a chevron pattern like on Ahsoka's lekku. Then up at the top of the shell, I've got two echoed pairs of jaig eyes, green for you and blue for Rex. Right up front are Arkalia's handprints, but I wouldn't touch those just yet. They're not completely dry."
"The whole family," Kanan said quietly, running his fingers first over the lines of the jaig eyes, then down onto the pattern of Hera's lekku.
"Hey, Sabine?" Zeb suddenly asked her. "You didn't manage to get anything from Alex in there, did you?"
"Of course I did. What? Did you think I was going to leave you out? Come here," she said, waving the former Imperial over. "You're the star attraction, Kallus."
"I...I'm afraid I don't see what you-" he started as he moved closer, but was soon silenced when Sabine showed him what was inside the cradle.
Painted on the underside of the shell was the Fulcrum symbol.
"Right over her head, keeping watch...keeping her safe," Sabine promised.
She couldn't at first identify the look in Kallus' eyes. Initially, he just looked shocked – overwhelmed, maybe? But that gradually shifted to something like amazement – amazement and happiness and gratitude. For a moment, she was half left wondering if the former Imperial might actually hug her. But if he'd intended to, he didn't get the chance, because Zeb was suddenly right there, lifting her up and half-crushing her in a bruising embrace.
"Thank you, Sabine," the Lasat said softly. "Thank you for this."
"Yeah, I know you're happy, Zeb, but you don't have to break my spine to prove it," the young artist choked out, only partly teasing at that point.
"Oh, right. Sorry," he mumbled out apologetically as he set her back down. "But really...thank you."
"Zeb speaks for me, as well," Kallus said, his smile almost shy as he moved in to stand beside the Lasat, resting a hand on his shoulder.
"Think maybe the little nipper might wanna try the thing out?" Rex suggested with a distant smile.
"Actually, she's completely filthy. I think she might wanna get clean first," Ezra suggested as he slipped out of the room with Arkalia still in hand. "I'm gonna go ahead and take her down to the river."
"Ezra Bridger, don't you dare. That water's probably filthy," Hera started, but Kanan soon interrupted her with a hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah, I don't think this is really about a bath. Just let him spend some time alone with her."
Ezra didn't hear any of the exchange, as he was already halfway out of the Ghost before Hera had even finished speaking. But Arkalia was still a bit fussy, trying to reach past the young Jedi.
"Hey, it's okay," Ezra soothed her as they headed out into the midmorning sunlight. "I know you haven't really warmed up to me yet, but give me a chance. I think you'll like this."
Ezra carried the kit right down to the river the Ghost had parked beside. He took a moment to unbelt his lightsaber, but then, clothes, boots, and all, he walked directly into the water, sitting down in the shallows. Then he shifted Arkalia so he was holding her in one arm, leaving his other hand free to reach down and scoop up a small handful of water.
"Here. Look at this," he cooed down at her, letting the water run through his fingers and down onto her feet.
"Ah. Ah. Ooo," Arkalia cooed in amazement, the tiny pads of her toes reaching to try and grasp at the shimmery droplets of water as they rolled away from her, back into the river. Once Ezra saw that she was enjoying it, he slowly started to settle her into the water, first letting her kick her feet around in it in excitement at the new sensation.
Once she was used to it, he situated her comfortably in his lap so she could splash around. All he really needed to do was make sure she didn't fall over.
"See? It's fun, yeah?" he said as he started to scrub the paint from her fur, watching in amusement as she splashed her little hands and feet in the water.
Arkalia trilled her agreement, giggling with every splash.
"I told you," he said with a small chuckle of his own. "Us orphans gotta stick together, after all."
For several minutes after that, he didn't speak, just continued to clean the kit's fur while she had her fun. When he did speak again, it was with a sort of confused longing.
"Y'know, I'm honestly not sure which of us is better off. You, because you'll never really know who your parents were, so you won't be able to miss them...or me...because I did have the chance to know my parents...to love them. I guess I sometimes wonder if things would be easier if I hadn't known them...if I'd been on my own earlier. But I guess I'd still wonder about them," he said quietly, his words counterpointed by the easy melody of the baby Lasat's burbling. "Heh, maybe neither's better or worse...missing what you know you've lost or just not knowing. Just...different. But hey, it doesn't matter now, does it," he conceded, smiling sadly as he shook off the dark thoughts, shifting his hand to fluff the fur behind Arkalia's ears.
The kit giggled at the sensation, splashing a little bit harder. Then Ezra heard her give a curious purr as her foot closed around something stuck in the riverbed. By the time she'd managed to wrest it from the sediment, most of the mud had been washed away, revealing an oblong stone that had been worn smooth by the river's currents. It was large enough that she was barely able to hold it with one foot, so he wasn't all that worried when she brought it to her mouth to chew on experimentally. At least she couldn't choke on it. Some niggling part of his brain suggested that it might not be a good idea to let her just chew on things she found in riverbeds, that the rest of the crew would heartily disapprove, but he honestly didn't see the problem since all the mud had been washed clean.
Once Arkalia had decided she couldn't eat the stone, she lifted her treasure over her head for Ezra to see. In his mind, he could just about hear her declaring, 'Look what I found!'.
The young Jedi laughed as he plucked the newly cleaned kit from the water, cuddling her against his chest as he got to his feet. "That's right, Ari. Know why it doesn't matter? Because you are never gonna feel unloved or unwanted. So long as you're with us, I'm gonna be your big brother. I'll always have a toy for you and I'm gonna make sure nothing bad happens to you. Then, when we take you to Lira San, we're gonna find a family for you that knows how special you are. It's gonna be great," he said, nuzzling the top of her head as he started to move through the river's slow-moving current, dancing in the water with the little Lasat.
Arkalia settled easily against his chest, purring in contentment as they danced. They remained like that until Hera came over to call them for lunch, smiling as she watched them.
"You two find something to talk about then?"
"Oh, yeah. Plenty. We have a surprisingly insightful little loth cat on our hands."
XxX
Day three of the crew's impromptu leave time and Rex honestly didn't know that he'd ever been more bored in his relatively short life.
Well, maybe bored wasn't the right word for his current state of mind, but he still detested not having some task or other to occupy his time with.
Back during the Clone Wars, it had been constant warfare, never really much of an opportunity to consider what life was like outside of combat. The years following the fall of the Jedi and his loss of Ahsoka – the siege of Mandalore – those years had been some of his darkest. They'd been turbulent, angry, self-loathing years and the fact that he'd come out alive on the other side of them had been more or less a miracle. Life on Seelos with Gregor and Wolffe had been slower-paced, it was true, but it had still been all about survival. Then had come the Rebellion. Back to the theatre of war, an arena he was familiar with. Back to Ahsoka...and for the first time in his life being able to put a name to what it was he felt for her. It was, he was fairly certain, the only time in his life he'd been truly happy. And then Ahsoka had come to him with one last piece of news.
"Rex..."
"Oh...Ahsoka...that's- it's wonderful. How long have you known?"
"Just a few weeks now."
Then Ahsoka had gone to Malachor.
In hindsight, Rex supposed he should've known better than to trust to happiness. That sort of thing just wasn't for a clone. So he'd let it go. He'd buried himself in the cause of the Rebellion, not leaving himself time to think of Ahsoka and everything that had been lost with her. But now, on leave, with nothing to occupy his thoughts, he found them turning increasingly toward memories that were like unbearably painful knives to what little remained of the heart of him.
Ahsoka's smile...
The whisper of her breath against his neck...
The press of her lekku against his chest as they moved together...
The ringing sound of her rare laughter...
The depthless blue of her eyes...
The wry lift of her smirk after besting an opponent...
The worshipful press of his lips against hers...
The way she'd guided his hands to her body after...
"Rex..."
No!
He was not going to fall apart like this! He'd led soldiers in battle. He'd fought against more enemies than could be named. He'd survived. There was no reason he couldn't survive the rest of his time...until he was with her again. Kriff this down time. He could still make himself useful. So he'd assigned himself the task of stripping and cleaning every last piece of munition aboard the Ghost.
The only thing was that he'd also somehow found himself with the task of watching Arkalia alongside of that.
After forcing Hera down for a much-needed and well-deserved nap, Kanan and Ezra had headed off into the forest on some kind of Jedi exercise. Sabine was currently in her room working on a secret new mural and would've happily watched Arkalia except no one thought it a good idea for the kit to be breathing the fumes from her paint guns for too long. Kallus and Zeb were still within sight of the Ghost, but they were in the middle of a sparring session with their bo-rifles. So, as his own task kept him in one more or less safe spot, the task of Kali-sitting had fallen to him.
The little kit really didn't need much. Strapped into a small bouncy seat, she was kept entertained by a small sea of toys, though her favorite by far were a small rope toy Kallus had woven for her from Allurian grass and the stone she'd found when she'd been out with Ezra the other day. Several of the toys Hera had found for her had already met less than noble fates at the hands of Arkalia's sharpening claws. Thus far, the rock and the the little length of rope were proving the most durable. Checking in on the kit from time to time to make sure she was still doing all right, Rex was able to lose himself in the mindless task of cleaning and maintenance.
At least he was able to until he heard the baby Lasat start to cry in protest. Looking up, he saw that she'd managed to accidentally throw her rock to the edge of the tarp where he was working. Reaching out her hands and making grabbing motions with them, she began to kick her legs, nearly upsetting her seat more than once. Already her cries were growing louder. It wouldn't be long before Zeb or Kallus heard her.
"All right. All right," the old clone conceded, laughing as he retrieved the rock and carried it back to the kit. "Got quite the arm on ya, Miss Kali, but I don't know what you expected to happen when you threw it away yourself."
Arkalia had no answer for him. She just gurgled expectantly as she looked up at him.
"Buh!" she insisted, reaching up for the stone.
"Buh? Is that so? I'm not sure I agree with you," he teased, waving the stone overhead, just out of her reach.
"Buh. Buh! Buh!" she argued, reaching with both hands and both feet now.
"Well, if you must, you must," he said, sitting down beside her as he passed her the river stone, which she happily went back to cutting her milk teeth on.
As he sat beside her, Rex unwittingly allowed his mind to wander again. Not back to Ahsoka, but...
"I guess she would've been born by now," he said in a quiet voice, absently stroking Arkalia's hair. "Couple months younger than you...maybe. I don't know." He also wasn't sure why he always thought 'she' whenever his thoughts strayed in that direction. With how far along Ahsoka had been, it likely wouldn't have been set yet. He was never going to know. But at the same time...he couldn't imagine his Ahsoka with anything but a little girl. "Would'a been just like ya, though. Beautiful little girl."
"Muh, buh, buh," the kit stated matter-of-factly as she looked up at him.
"Yeah. Muh," he said with a nod, thinking for a long moment before finally unstrapping the little Lasat from her seat and picking her up. "You know what, let's go see what your dads are up to."
He wouldn't call the pair that to their faces, of course. Not when they were only knee deep in this whole business. But he surely hoped they would head in that direction when all was said and done. If he had to watch anyone he cared about pass up a chance at family, well...he really might just have to shoot someone.
XxX
"Y'know, you're not half-bad for somebody who's never been formally trained in bo-rifle combat," Zeb told Alex as the former guardsman's latest swing passed directly over his head.
"Says the Lasat warrior I battled to a standstill the very first time we fought each other," Alex threw back at him, retreating instead of engaging in Zeb's next attack.
"I wasn't exactly expecting to face a bo-rifle that day," Zeb pointed out, taking several swings which Alex blocked. "It had been a while."
"Excuses, excuses," Alex teased, shoving Zeb back with a sudden surge of extra force. In his moment of distraction, the former Imperial managed to get in a hit with the electrified tip of his weapon, lowered to a training setting so they could use the rifles to spar with.
On the sidelines, Chopper gave a series of whistles and a few clicks, indicating clearly how the match was going.
Zeb – 3. Alex – 2.
"Oh, you'll pay for that one, you will," Zeb returned, smirking at him as he performed several showy twirls with his electrified weapon.
This time, Chopper's whirrs came in the quick bursts that indicated he was laughing. Zeb growled briefly as he rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"Come on, rust bucket. It's not just fighting. It's an art form."
At this, Alex launched into a series of fierce attacks, forcing Zeb into strictly guarding maneuvers. As their weapons slammed together in a stalemate, he smirked at Zeb from across the locked staffs.
"Keep your eyes on me, Garazeb," he said, both warning him and demanding his attention at the same time. "I'm sure you realize he's just distracting you because he wants me to win."
"Tch. No surprise there. But it's definitely no thing for me to keep my eyes on you," the Lasat purred, returning the smirk through their crossed weapons.
Alex gave a chastising shake of his head. "And now you're trying to distract me." Then he forced Zeb back, quickly rolling to the side after disengaging.
"Well? Is it workin'?" he asked as he pursued Alex's retreat. Alex blocked most of his jabs, but wasn't quite fast enough to stop the last blow to his hip, taking the shock with a small grunt.
Zeb – 4. Alex – 2.
"Perhaps a little," he conceded.
"Gonna have to go all the way then," Zeb said with an inviting growl as he took a swing at Alex's legs, which he just barely managed to avoid.
"I hope you do," he challenged, his tone remaining confident, even though he could feel his face reddening. "I'd hate to think you're going easy on me just because we're no longer mortal enemies," he said, using his rifle to quickly scale a small scattering of boulders before flipping it to the firing configuration and taking a shot at Zeb, which the Lasat easily avoided – although he wasn't quite fast enough to avoid the next volley.
Zeb – 4. Alex – 3.
Zeb took cover from the rain of fire, but his teasing never let up for a moment. "If you wanted easy, ni alitha, you should'a stayed with the Empire."
Alex laughed as he continued to fire toward the sound of Zeb's voice. "Now you insult me, Captain Orrelios. If things are so easy in the Empire, how is it I devised a fighting style to service a bo-rifle when no formal training was available?"
"Oh, that wasn't the Empire, love," Zeb's voice sounded from the opposite end of his cover. "I'm pretty sure that was all you."
"Then what is it you think you have to teach me?" Alex asked as he took a few steps back, waiting for the opportunity to take his next shot, but also prepared to drop down for cover if need be. For once, Zeb had fallen silent.
"This," the quiet whisper of the Lasat's voice sounded directly behind him, causing the former Imperial to yelp as he spun around to face his opponent. He was certain Zeb would've taken a swing at him were it not for the fact that he lost his footing and began to tumble from the boulder.
"Whoa! Hey!" Zeb shouted, quickly going after him, just barely managing to grab his hand. Clinging tightly to that four-fingered grip, Alex braced his feet against the rock face, suspended between standing and falling. When he looked up at Zeb, it was to see him offering up a smile that was both relieved and teasing. "Close one, that."
"How did you do that?" he demanded, for the moment not caring that he was still suspended above a potentially bad fall. Zeb grinned as he held up the clawed fingers of his free hand.
"Can't nothin' beat these little beauties as far as stealthy movement goes."
"I'm quite certain that's cheating."
"Oh? So I shouldn't be usin' 'em then? Would you like me to let go?" Zeb teased.
Alex couldn't quite help the new smile that moved across his face as he looked up at Zeb. "You never would," he said with total certainty.
"You're right," Zeb started, the besotted smile on his face matching the one on his own. "I wouldn't – but this match also ain't over yet," he said before pulling Alex back up onto the boulder with him while pulling his bo-rifle off his back in nearly the same motion, deploying it to the bo-staff configuration and using it to pin the former Imperial against his chest.
Alex immediately felt his face go bright red at the sudden intimate press of their bodies. In most other situations, his brain might have overloaded and shut down as well, but this was a combat situation. Instinct took over and led him to deliver a small jab to Zeb's side, feeling the minuscule electric current tinge along his own skin before the Lasat could release him. As he scuttled down off the boulder, he heard Chopper's count.
Zeb – 4. Alex – 4.
"Nice save," Zeb complimented, having no trouble just jumping down from the full height of the boulder and landing in a crouch.
"I can't- really take credit for that one. It was dumb luck," he replied, breathing heavily as his eyes swept the lines of Zeb's body.
This was it – the trouble with every single match they'd fought since his first one as Fulcrum...back on Lothal. Was Zeb honestly not having as much trouble as he was concentrating, or was he simply better at hiding it? Either way, he was not about to throw this match over his own undisciplined body. When Zeb came at him, he was ready, even growling a little.
One more hit. This match could go to either of them.
As annoyed as he was with himself, he had to admit that crossing staffs with Zeb was still exhilarating. He could feel the excitement in Zeb's expression mirrored in his own every time they clashed. As they moved together, back and forth across the rocky terrain, it was easy to get lost in the dance of it.
Right up until the moment Chopper gave several uncomfortably low whirs and suspiciously timed taps that could only be interpreted as, 'Would you two kriff-witted meatbags just kriffing do each other already?!'
And that was a little too much for even Alexsandr Kallus' supreme Imperial-ingrained calm to stand against. Brain going to full stop, he had zero chance to defend against Zeb's latest strike. He was both stung by the training shock and knocked off his feet by the force of the staff.
And as he went down, all his mind seemed capable of containing were thoughts of that fight on Lothal.
Let's give 'em a show then.
X
It was foolish.
Every single time the Spectres returned to Lothal, it was an exercise in utter idiocy, but there always seemed to be some reason they needed to come back. This time it was about rescuing a defector's son from the Lothal Academy. Ezra and Chopper had gotten clear with the boy, but Zeb, Sabine, and Kanan had become trapped on the wrong side of a sealed security door and promptly been separated from each other.
Zeb and Sabine had managed to stick together, but Kanan was at the other end of the compound, fighting his way through squad after squad of troopers. Kallus had managed to surreptitiously lead Zeb to an emergency hangar where the security system was conveniently down for repairs. Now it was just a matter of waiting for Kanan to make an appearance.
"Zeb, I'm still not sure this is a good idea," Sabine murmured to the Lasat as if Kallus wasn't sitting right there with them, trying to stay out of sight. "He could still be trying to set us up."
Zeb groaned in frustration. Even with the code phrase, Sabine Wren was not so quick to trust him. Wise as the former Imperial considered her skepticism, this wasn't exactly the place for mistrust.
"Sabine, I'm only gonna ask you this once, so I hope you think real careful about your answer. Do you trust me?" the Lasat asked his younger companion, and she did consider it a long moment before responding.
"Yes."
"Then you trust him, too. I get that it's hard, but there aren't a lot of people in the galaxy I trust as much as I trust him. You can believe in that," Zeb promised her, and even though the words were not specifically directed at him, Kallus felt a strange fluttering sensation in his chest to hear them spoken.
"All right. I'll go along with this, but you and I need to have a long talk when this is all over."
"More than one, I imagine," Kallus put in. "We won't have very long once Jarrus gets here."
"Kal, we've talked about that," Zeb scolded mildly.
Kallus rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth did lift up in a small smile. "All right, fine. Kanan. Once Kanan gets here. Are you happy now?"
"Gettin' there," Zeb snarked.
Kallus would have said more, except that was the moment the hangar's security doors slid open. Only it wasn't Kanan Jarrus who came through.
It was Grand Admiral Thrawn, Governor Pryce, and a fresh squad of stormtroopers.
"Karabast," Zeb snarled under his breath.
"Haran, Zeb, I told you!" Sabine hissed. "He set us up."
"What're we lookin' at?" Zeb asked him, not even dignifying the Mandalorian's accusation with a response.
"It's Thrawn," he hissed back.
"The grand admiral bloke? The one Hera told us about from Ryloth?"
"The same. We might've pulled one over on Pryce, but- it will be exceedingly difficult to deceive Thrawn."
"Well...let's give 'em a show then," Zeb declared with a dangerous grin.
"What?" he hissed back at the former guardsman.
"You can't exactly let us walk out, so we're gonna have to fight our way out. Through you. It's the only way we're gonna buy Kanan enough time to get here," Zeb told him, shifting his rifle to the bo-staff configuration, but not yet igniting it. "Come on. We can do it...you and me."
Kallus wanted to protest, wanted to point out all the ways this could go wrong, but with Zeb grinning at him like that, eyes so full of eager trust and excited amusement, he just couldn't refuse him. Returning the smile with a small but sure one of his own, he nodded as he allowed his own weapon to hum to life, making sure to keep the setting low.
"You and me."
"Don't hold back," Zeb warned him before delivering a hard blow to his gut, sending him flying into the view of the Imperials.
"Agent Kallus," Pryce exclaimed in mild surprise.
"Watch out!" Kallus warned as Zeb jumped up on the crates they'd been hiding behind. "I caught one of them trying to escape this way."
"Ah, the Lasat," the grand admiral said in a tone that could only be described as vaguely interested. "Garazeb Orrelios, I believe it was."
"Better keep my name off those ugly blue lips, Grand Admiral," Zeb mocked, "or I won't just kill your boy there."
"Troopers, concentrate your fire-" Pryce started to command, but was quickly interrupted by Kallus.
"NO! Don't," Kallus hissed as he climbed back to his feet, extending his bo-rifle toward his one time enemy. "This one is mine."
"Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that," Zeb said, letting out an angry battle roar before springing at Kallus, the strength of his attack actually forcing him back to his knees.
"Honestly, I don't see why we need to allow this," Pryce snapped. "This...non-human is easy prey."
"I, for one, would like this opportunity to observe a match," the Chiss said in a neutral tone. "The Lasat were a warrior race and they made much of their honor in combat, as I recall. Truly, this is an educational opportunity not to be missed."
If either of them said more, Kallus didn't hear it. He'd already become too caught up in the constant give and take between Zeb and himself – the endless whirl of their bo-rifles as they blocked each other's strikes, seeming evenly matched.
Taunts, insults, something, Kallus thought vaguely as he leaped over one of Zeb's lower strikes. We're supposed to hate each other. We can't just fight in silence like this.
"You never know when to give up, do you?" he snarled, defaulting to an old classic of theirs. The moment of amusement in Zeb's sneer told him he recognized it.
"Never," the Lasat fired back before delivering an overhead swing. Kallus bent backward at the waist to allow it to pass harmlessly just above his face. In the scant moments of the following motion, he maneuvered his weapon to deliver a jab to Zeb's side. The Lasat gave a not entirely exaggerated roar of pain.
"Perhaps you ought to learn," he returned with a fierce sneer of his own, imagining that the expression looked to anyone else like anger.
When Zeb moved back to meet him, their bo-rifles locked together in an electrified clash of noise, heat, and light. It took every bit of energy he had to maintain the deadlock and he couldn't have been more exhilarated, despite their peril.
"Sorry, Kallus, but I've always been a pretty bad student," Zeb near-purred to him through their crossed rifles, sending a jolt of a different sort down his spine. "Might be able to learn you a few things, though."
That one left Kallus with little choice but to disengage, breathing heavily as he pulled back from Zeb. Quite suddenly, every single one of his senses had been magnified, all of them in some way focused on the Lasat – the musky scent of him he'd noticed before, now tinged with exertion...the sound of their joined heavy breathing roaring in his ears...the minute tremble of his powerful frame as they circled each other...the taste of salt on his own lips and the suddenly agonizing feel of each droplet of sweat trickling down his skin beneath the oppressive cling of his uniform. He was aware of their proximity in a way he never had been before. All in a moment, this had become a completely different battle for him.
"You?" he demanded with an uncomfortably high laugh, giving his weapon a spin just for the show of it. "What could you possibly have to teach me?"
"Sure you wanna know that?" Zeb asked before rolling to jump atop another of the crates, quickly flipping to the firing configuration and taking a few wide shots to just barely miss hitting him.
"Certainly, Lasat," he snapped back, throwing his arms wide as if in a gesture of foolhardy challenge. "Here I am. Teach me," he growled, feeling the different air of the conversation they were actually having.
Zeb smirked at him as he dropped low into a springing position. "Oh, you don't know what you're askin' for."
No! his brain shouted at him. This is too much. Thrawn will see. He'll know.
"Well, I suppose since there's no one else left to teach me," he threw out, feeling sick to his stomach as he spat out the ugly words. He could almost taste the ash on his tongue. He only prayed Zeb understood why he had to.
If nothing else, though, Zeb seemed to take his cue from the fabricated taunt, giving a roar of rage before launching into a berserker charge at Kallus, battling him until he'd maneuvered him up against the hangar wall, keeping him pinned in place with the deadly lock of their bo-rifles.
"You wanna learn so bad," the Lasat snarled at him, though there was a brief flicker in his expression, the ghost of a reassuring smile, that let Kallus know this was still just an act. "Then I'll teach you. I'll teach you how my people felt when they died!"
As Zeb spoke, he used the deadlock to keep Kallus pinned, straining to reach the electrified tip of his own weapon across the space between them, their bodies so close to touching it was unbearable. When the tip finally touched his body, inspiring no more than the faintest of jolts through his system, Kallus couldn't quite help how he threw his head back against the wall, a strangled cry escaping his lips that really could have been either pain or pleasure. Stars help him, but he could feel the Lasat's warm breath just against his neck.
He was kriffed. He was so spectacularly kriffed it was almost laughable. He actually felt himself go weak in the knees as Zeb leaned closer and closer to him.
"Ah...ah," he whimpered helplessly when the bo-rifle was finally withdrawn. He didn't want to know what the expression on his face must look like.
"Had enough?" Zeb whispered in his ear, his voice somehow managing to be both threatening and inviting all in the same breath.
It was a relief that Kanan showed up when he did, because Kallus honestly wasn't sure what he might've done. When the room erupted in the hum of a lightsaber and the screech of blaster fire, Zeb shoved the double agent's bo-rifle aside before leaning in close to him, nothing separating them now.
"You all right?" he whispered in his ear.
Nodding, Kallus only just manage to pant out, "Go...go...get out."
"Kal-"
"Go," he pleaded.
"F- fine," Zeb stuttered out. "Next time."
"Next time," he agreed. It was no great feat of acting for him to slide to the floor when Zeb finally released him. The last sight he had of him was the Lasat's confused and worried face before it was swallowed up by the boarding ramp of their escaping emergency response shuttle. And once again, Zeb was gone from him, in his life for only those brief, brilliant flashes of light – only for him to fall back into darkness when they were over.
They both knew that something was different between them. Something had changed during that fight. He just couldn't put a name to it.
Either that...or he didn't want to. Things with Zeb were already so confusing? Did he really need to make them more confusing.
No. The best thing you can do for him is to continue this fight. What you feel doesn't matter.
X
"Alex? Alex!" Zeb's worried snarl came to him through a daze of pain. Blinking his eyes open, he gradually began to see the Lasat's features swimming into view.
"Zeb?"
"You all right?" Zeb asked him as he helpedhim sit up.
"I think so. I remember...Chopper...and you. What- what happened?"
"Lucky hit combined with a bad fall," Rex explained, drawing Alex's gaze over to him, Arkalia, and Chopper."That conk with the ground knocked you stone cold for a few minutes there."
Chopper chimed in with a solid minute of beeps, followed by several spins.
"Chopper," Zeb growled at the droid, "I'm going to take you apart tonight and throw the parts out the airlock. I don't care what Hera does to me."
"How's your head?" Rex asked him, bouncing an insistent Arkalia up and down in his arms.
"Still a little dazed...but I'm sure it will be fine," he said, placing a hand on Zeb's shoulder to use as leverage to get himself back on his feet.
"Alex-"
Zeb didn't really need to continue, as the former Imperial was already weaving on his feet the moment he was on them. Zeb was instantly there to support him.
"Maybe you'd better get him back on board," Rex told the Lasat. "Get him resting. I'll watch the little nipper."
"Thanks, Rex," Zeb said before leading Alex back onto the ship, to their bunk, and down onto their bed.
Before Zeb could pull back from him, though, Alex was pulling him into a deep kiss, wrapping both arms around him to keep him there with him. Zeb groaned into the kiss, the low rumbling in his chest unimaginably pleasing to the former Imperial, but when he managed to put the sound together with the actual tone of the Lasat's voice, he realized there was an air of frustration in it.
"What- what's wrong?" he asked as he collapsed clumsily back on the bed.
"What's wrong is that I generally like it to be about me when you kiss me like that. Not about somethin' some deranged murder bot said," Zeb said with a small glare.
"This...this isn't-"
"Don't even try it, Kal. You'll just damage your brain worse tryin' to lie. Now I know what Chopper said, but it's gotta be more than that to have you react like that. So what's eatin' you?" the Lasat asked as he sat down beside him on the bed.
"Well...most of your crew seems to think we are already sleeping together."
Zeb shrugged. "Dunno when we would have. We've got kind of an erratic schedule."
"I just- don't see why we shouldn't be making that happen. Unless of course you...you don't want-"
"Stop right there, Alex," the former guardsman said with an air of warning. "I don't want you thinkin' for one second I don't want you. Karabast, I'd crawl over broken glass just to have you...but you have this thing you do where you lie to me about what you're feelin' or what you need."
"I...I..."
"Yeah, you can't even argue that one, can you. The point is I want you to be able to ask me for the things you want. I want you to feel like the things you want matter."
Alex sighed as he ran a hand over his face. "Don't tell me. You've been talking to Kanan."
"Not really, no. I can just read you a little better than you seem to give me credit for. I get that you want this. I can smell it on you, and you have no idea what that does to me, but...I can see it in your eyes, too. It's not about what you want. It's about what you think I want...what everyone else thinks...everythin' except you. So when you and I take to bed, it's gonna be about you and me and nothin' else. So I'm gonna ask you, Alex...what do you want? What do you want right now?"
Alex found himself at a bit of a loss as he looked up at Zeb, because while he knew what he wanted from the Lasat, there was also a voice at the back of his mind that sounded suspiciously like the mercenary from his nightmares.
Weak. You're so weak.
But he couldn't let that nightmare win. So, reaching out for Zeb's hand and pulling it close to him, he spoke only two words.
"Hold me?"
That, Zeb was only too happy to do, purring soothingly as he gathered Alex in his arms. Neither of them said anything, just curled up together on that small bottom bunk, holding tightly to each other, occasionally sharing little kisses, but mostly just breathing each other in.
They didn't stir from the bed until the sounds of a squalling Arkalia being carried aboard the Ghost drew them out of the sort of trance they'd fallen into, smiling at each other and sharing one last kiss before going to see what the problem was.
XxX
(A/N) Okie doke, couple notes this time around. The song I used in this chapter is 'Love Survives' from All Dogs Go to Heaven. We'll probably see more of that one in the future.
So...don't quote me on these Mando'a translations. They're probably wrong. I just tried to piece together phrases I couldn't find exacts for. So here's what it's meant to be:
Gar jahaala - Are you all right? (lit. Are you well?)
Lek - Yeah
Ni slanar at ner cyar'ika - I am with my beloved. (lit. I go to my darling.)
Ni...Ni shi...Ni or'trikar par kaysh - I...I just...I grieve for her. (lit. I am in sorrow for her)
Vor entye - Thank you (lit. I recognize a debt)
If anybody happens to know better, do please let me know. Hopefully, I don't keep you waiting for the next chapter too long. This one was a little bit later than I wanted because I was marching in my first Pride parade this week. :)