Chapter 4: Busted like the song

James Bond was not terrified by the gun that was pointed directly straight at his face, even though at such a close range Giuseppe was virtually guaranteed to get a headshot. Even the shotgun with the widest spread in the world can hit with 100% accuracy at only a few inches away. But he wasn't scared at all. He had a plan because he was the best secret agent in all of London and even the whole world.

"Aha, you must be Giuseppe Jones, the main bad guy who I am here to defeat," said James Bond in a casual voice that indicated he had the advantage even though he totally didn't because there was a gun pointed right at him and he couldn't draw a weapon without getting shot when he tried and he knew that. But he was playing mind games.

"That's right," replied Giuseppe, who was impressed that James recognized him since they had never met before. "And by the process of elimination, I can therefore deduce who you are."

But before Giuseppe had a chance to deduce, James took away the opportunity by introducing himself. "The name's Bond. James Tiberius Bond. And I am going to defeat you so hard that you can't possibly do any more evil things to anyone forever."

Giuseppe gave him the stink eye. Then he yelled out, "Guards! Seize him!"

James tried to escape. He would need to come back later because there were too many bad guys for him to defeat on his own. But he didn't escape because there were also too many bad guys for him to escape. They all grabbed him at once and then all of a sudden Giuseppe said "I know. I have an idea. Let's take him to the edge of the ocean and dump him underwater and drown him. We can attach canonballs to his feet so he won't be able to float or swim back up just like in Pirates of the Caribbean."

Then Giuseppe got a text message from his boss, who was the real king of the bad guys, and it said "Have you captured James Bond yet? We need him for our plan." That was when Giuseppe remembered he couldn't kill James Bond because they needed him for their plan. Also it turned out that Giuseppe wasn't the main bad guy, a fact James noticed when he saw Giuseppe Jones getting a text from the real main bad guy. James was tempted to blow them all up right now but he needed answers first, otherwise all his leads would go cold.

After a little while and some action scenes he was done defeating Giuseppe and all his henchmen so he was finally able to blow up Giuseppe's mansion and continue to the real main bad guy whose name was Miguel, who it turned out was not a henchman at all and this whole thing was just a ruse. Miguel had gone back to his own lair which was located on the top of the Gran Hotel Bali in Benedorm, Spain (I had to look this up). So James started driving there on a motorcycle.

When he arrived there to Benidorm, he had to take a break because he was hungry so he went to the fanciest restaurant in the whole city. He ordered some steak and some fish and some other fancy foods that rich secret agents eat and flirted with the waitress a little bit. After she gave him her number he decided it was time to go back onto the mission.

His first instinct was to blow up a rocket missle to the hotel but there were too many innocent civilians and tourists (some of the tourists were American) so his only option left was to take an elevator and deal with whoever he found when he got there to the top of the elevator.

So he got back on his motorcycle and drove toward the hotel and along the way he stopped to admire Playa de Levante. It was a beautiful beach. He thought about who might have been to this beach before. Maybe some famous celebrities, maybe some famous historical conquerors, and maybe even someone he knew. He was too attractive to a lot of women to get married but if he only had one woman who he was madly in love with he figured this beach would be a good place to bring her.

Then all of a sudden he decided to keep going and got going and started heading toward the hotel again. He spent too much time admiring the beach and now it was almost night so he needed to stop by another restaurant and eat dinner this time (before when he stopped at a restaurant it was for lunch). But this time he didn't go to the fanciest restaurant because it was out of the way and he really was in a hurry to get to the hotel so he could go to the top floor where Miguel's secret evil lair was.

Then he finally got there and went in the hotel and got on the elevator and went to the top and when he got there something was off. There was no secret bad guy lair there! Had Giuseppe tricked him? It was too late to go back to Giuseppe because he already killed him when he blew up the mansion. It would appear his mission had reached a dead end.

Then all of a sudden, when he least expected it, the other elevator door opened up. He hadn't pressed the elevator button so he knew that meant another person was coming up. And he looked inside the door to the other elevator and when he looked he could see that it was someone he knew inside: Claire.

"Hello there, sweetums," she said in her cutest voice that she could do, which was pretty cute, but not the cutest that James Bond had ever heard because he'd been all over the world and heard a lot of different women all with different kinds of voices.

"Claire! I thought I told you not to come with me!" shouted James Bond very loudly. But the walls were pretty thick so he didn't wake up anybody in any of the hotel rooms, besides, it wasn't bedtime yet so they were all still awake.

"Jamey-poo, I know the secret to getting to Miguel's lair," she cooed.

"You do? I am an important secret agent of England and since you are also an English citizen that means it's against the law if you know the answer and don't help me," responded James.

Claire wasn't lying, she really did know how to get in.

"First, you have to to the janitor's closet over there," she said as she pointed at a closet at the end of the hall with a sign that said "Maintenance" on it, except it said it in Spanish because they don't have English signs in Spain. "Then, under the mop bucket there's a secret floor switch, but even the janitor doesn't know about it because there's a rug in the way. So you have to move the rug and open the compartment and press the button and then go through the secret wall doorway that opens up behind the janitor closet, but hurry because the wall closes back up after ten seconds and if you take too long you will be crushed when you try to get through. Then you just have to climb the stairs and avoid the laser traps."

So James did all those things that she had just said. When he did, he got to the top and Claire also went with him because he trusted her now since she clearly knew answers so he figured she could protect herself. Meanwhile James was starting to regret not having killed Miguel when he had the chance in the second chapter.

When he opened the door at the top of the stairs, he heard a familiar clicking sound. It was the same gun that Miguel had before, and this time it was being pointed at him by Miguel but NOT hidden under a table where nobody could see it.

"Thank you for bringing him here for me to dispose of, my darling Claire," said Miguel.