Day four: the mess hall
As B'Elanna finished speaking and returned to the side of the room, Kathryn moved to the front and stood for a moment looking at the assembled crew.
As it had done when she had spoken briefly to open the floor to those who wished to speak, her commanding presence created a sense of anticipation as she prepared to address the gathering again. When she began, her unique, husky voice carried into the furthest corners of the mess hall.
"Thank you to all those who have spoken here today. I know it wasn't easy but I think it will help us all accept what's happened. When death occurs unexpectedly, it seems we're always ill prepared to face it.
As captain, you all know I have spoken before at memorial services for members of this crew. And before this mission, I had given more than one eulogy for colleagues with whom I had served. However, I have never before spoken at a memorial service for someone I knew as well as I knew Chakotay."
She paused and looked down for a moment. From where Chakotay and the spirit of his father were standing, immediately to the right of the captain, close to viewport at the far end of the room, Chakotay could see her clearly in profile.
She seemed to succeed in overcoming whatever had caused her to stop, and looked up again and continued. "I've lost colleagues, friends, and family members. But when it came to those who were closest to me, I left it to others speak at the service. I don't want to leave it all to others today. It meant a lot to me to hear the tributes to Chakotay some of you have shared here. And now I am determined to honour him myself."
At this point she looked across towards the viewport, and Chakotay found himself looking directly into her eyes as she continued. "A few months ago when I addressed you all from the planet Chakotay and I were stranded on, you may remember I said that I've never liked goodbyes. I kept my address to you short that day, partly for that reason and partly because it was very hard for me to accept that you would be carrying on; continuing on the journey without us.
Today, like many of you, I'm finding it very hard to accept that we will be continuing on this journey without him.
Chakotay once told me I brought him peace; I never felt I had the freedom to tell him exactly what he'd brought to my life in return. And that's something I regret. It's easy to let things go unsaid, to presume others know. I'd like to share with you now some of the things I should have said to him."
He swallowed and looked down, unable to continue looking into her unfocused eyes, even though she couldn't see him.
"From the first day that we met, in circumstances neither of us were prepared for, his support gave me the courage to believe that we would find a way to make sense of the impossible situation we found ourselves in. I didn't expect him to trust me. I didn't expect him to immediately agree to work with me, to follow my lead. I was unprepared for so much about him.
I was unprepared for his faith in me. Unprepared for his directness sometimes. Unprepared for the affection he offered and inspired. The distance of command I'd always been comfortable with was something he could collapse with a smile. There have been times since we've been out here that I have needed someone to close down that distance and he saw that long before I did.
His unswerving faith in me and his readiness to trust my judgment allowed me to have faith in myself at times when I know that without his counsel I would have faltered. Faith is a precious and powerful gift."
He looked up and into her eyes again and felt his father's hand come to rest on his shoulder.
"All of us here know that he was a fine officer and an inspiring leader. More importantly, he was a good man. A man of strong convictions, with a reliable moral compass and a warm and generous heart. To me he was a beloved friend; my best friend."
Before continuing, she focussed on the floor in front of her for a moment as she took a deep breath. When she looked up her eyes seemed to sweep slowly around the room, taking in each individual before her. The next few words were given particular weight and delivered with extreme clarity. No one could have doubted her resolve.
"To those of you who were part of his Maquis crew, I make you this promise. When we get home, which we will, I will honour Chakotay's memory by fighting for your freedom just as fiercely as I would have fought for his."
Chakotay hoped that even the most sceptical and hardened amongst his former crew would see that she was serious in this commitment.
She pressed on. "The best way that we can honour his memory now is to find a way back. I know he would not want us to give up just because he won't be there with us, anymore than I would, were our situations reversed. He was as stubborn as I am; that was one of the many things we had in common."
He found himself looking at the spirit of his father, who tilted his head slightly, raised an eyebrow and nodded a smile in recognition.
"In the event of his death, Chakotay believed his spirit would carry on. I choose to believe that too, and I know that his spirit will stay with us for the entirety of our journey home and beyond."
For the first time Chakotay detected a catch in her voice as she tried and failed to complete her next sentence.
"I know that if I had asked him to, he would have stayed by my side for- "
She seemed to run out of breath, swallowing the final word. She looked down, shook her head slightly, paused for a second before raising her chin again to face the assembly.
"Like many of you, I will miss him every day."
She turned to look towards the viewport, and continued. "We will honour Commander Chakotay one last time." The assembled crew turned as one to watch. Her voice came again, "Release the pod."
Chakotay watched as the pod carrying what he had now accepted was his own body moved out into space.
She exhaled a long steady breath, then seemed to recover her fluency to finish. "Neelix has prepared some food, so please join with me now to share this food and your memories of all that Chakotay brought to our lives. And please remember, my door is always open to anyone who wants to talk."
Chakotay noticed a look pass between Kathryn and her chief engineer, as B'Elanna made her way across the room.
He turned to the spirit of his father; the older man was looking straight at him. Chakotay found he already knew what his father was going to say.
"It is time now, Chakotay."
In the background Chakotay could hear subdued conversations starting up in the groups of crew members dispersed around the mess hall. The spirit of his father drew him further aside.
"What happens now? Chakotay asked. "What do I do to leave here?"
"It is not a matter of doing, my son. Just decide. The only thing that keeps you here now is your refusal to leave, your reluctance to leave them behind."
Chakotay began to consider this, when suddenly he felt a violent, stabbing pain in his head, so intense he lost his balance completely and cried out as he fell to the floor. After a few seconds the incapacitating spike of pain receded slightly and he tried desperately to open his eyes and focus again on the scene around him. As he did so, he saw the immediately recognisable figure of his grandfather standing over him.
"Grandfather?" he forced out through his confusion, pulling himself slowly back up to standing using the wall as support.
"Chakotay, listen to me, you must not go with him, it is not your time," the old man said urgently as he helped him up.
Chakotay looked from the spirit of his father to this new apparition. The first spoke to him soothingly, "My son, your mind is playing tricks on you. You must dismiss this vision, it is nothing more than your fear speaking. You wish to deny what must be."
Chakotay felt as if the ground beneath him was shifting. He held on to the edge of the viewport for support, as he stared at the vision of his grandfather; a vision every bit as life-like as the spirit of his father standing on his other side.
Addressing the younger man he said, "I don't understand, why would I want to see Grandfather, now, here?"
"You were never one to take the easy path, Chakotay. You must ignore this. It is time to stop fighting now and come with me. It is time to decide."
"I need answers, I don't understand this!" He forced himself to stand unaided, trying to think past the throbbing in his head.
"It is not a matter for understanding, my son. It is a matter of belief. You have long since embraced the beliefs of our people and now you will join me."
These last words seemed to echo in the air as another crippling wave of pain tore through the left side of Chakotay's head and shot down his spine. Again he cried out involuntarily as the intensity of it felled him once more.
As it subsided, he found himself lying on his side on the floor. If another stab of pain like that came he wasn't sure he'd be able to withstand it. He'd never known pain like it, and he had endured much before this in the course of his life.
This time, as he dragged himself back up to standing, he found the new apparition of his grandfather supporting him.
"Chakotay, the voices of the spirits say that this is not my son, the one they called Kolopak. These are not his words. This is not the way of the spirits. You must trust me. If you trust me, he will leave you where you belong."
The grandfather apparition held Chakotay upright, taking some of his weight by draping one of Chakotay's arms over his shoulders.
The spirit of his father moved closer and tried to pull Chakotay towards him. "All this is wasting time, Chakotay. We should go now, it is time, leave this crazy old man and come with me."
As he did so, suddenly Chakotay saw everything around him darken. His struggled to know which way was up, as he suddenly felt like he was lying flat on his back, and as he looked up, he found he was looking up into the face of Kathryn Janeway. Beside her in the darkness he could just make out the Doctor.
Suddenly their voices crashed in on him, "Fight it, Chakotay, please! I need you to fight this!"
Kathryn?
"The entity is still inhabiting his cerebral cortex, inhibiting my treatment, but we're definitely making progress here."
And then it was gone. He was back in his grandfather's arms in the mess hall, half standing. "What was that?" he asked, looking around wildly.
"What, my son?" asked the spirit of his father.
"I saw her, Kathryn, on the planet! And the Doctor!"
"It is your mind, struggling to accept. Just like this... this pitiful soul here, this hallucination. You are desperate to deny the truth. Perhaps you have not fully embraced the truth of the spirits in your heart yet, my son? You were always one to doubt. Come with me now and it will all become clear to you."
As he said this, behind him Chakotay could see that something had appeared, framed in the viewport. It was a mass of swirling white light that seemed to fluctuate as he looked into it.
"Come with me into the light of our ancestors, and the pain and doubt will cease. All those who were lost to you await you there my son. There is much anticipation of your arrival."
Every bone in his body told Chakotay that he should resist. He suddenly knew this was not the spirit of his father. His every instinct told him that whatever this was, it had no connection to his family or his spiritual beliefs.
"I don't know what you are, but you are not my father!" He shouted, desperate to be free of its clutches. "Leave! I'll be damned if I'm going anywhere with you."
"See! Chakotay! " said the apparition of his grandfather, who was still supporting him. "This was never my son Kolopak. You have done well to resist him. The voices are pleased with you. I will keep you safe. You will wait here with me."
"Explain this! Now!" demanded Chakotay.
The being that had been Kolopak spoke again; it's voice modulating strangely now, its face contorting and it's resemblance to his late father fading. "I have no need to explain myself to you. You will see me again. Next time you will not be so fortunate."
"Why were you trying so hard to convince me to go with you? What are you?" Chakotay pressed.
"Your energy is strong. You would nourish me well. Next time your life hangs in the balance, I will find you again and you will come with me."
As these last words escaped from its lips, the being started to coalesce, and Chakotay had the sensation of falling, before everything around him went black.