God of Paperwork
by the infamous and notorious tocasia
Chapter 4
Sephiroth sits in his office and sifts through his inbox. He's not ready to replace the missing dragon paperweight yet. It was his favorite.
The first report informs him of a fight in the barracks. Those who started it have already been dealt with. No need for him to get involved.
This is Reeve's request for SOLDIER assistance on environmentally friendly public works projects. He agrees to it. He admires Reeve's dedication.
Scarlet has sent him another invitation to one of the risqué parties she hosts on a regular basis. No, he's not going to attend this one. They aren't exactly friends, but he hopes she has a good time.
Here's the request from the Science Department that he's been expecting. The enemy skill mission will be dangerous. Sephiroth looks over the tentative list of target monsters. Very dangerous. He approves the mission and takes it for himself.
Ah, and he writes one for Zack, too.
He moves on to looking at emails.
Zack stands in the shadow of the rusty, leaning rocket. He has just completed his mission here: to announce the restarting of the Space Program. People are cheering and dancing in the streets. Local delicacies are brought out and shared. Some of that tea is really good. The ace pilot, Cid Highwind, offers to take him for a ride on his biplane. Zack is about to accept when his PHS rings. Cid swears at him in a friendly way to answer it. The crowd outside is so loud that he has to step behind a house and cover his other ear to hear who is calling.
"Oh hey Seph, what's up?"
"Your hometown is Gongaga, correct?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I've heard the jungles there are full of frogs."
"That's true, and it's hilarious, they're called..."
"Doesn't matter. I'm more interested in a skill they can use."
"Frog Song?"
"Ah, so you do already have it. Excellent. Bring it to me in my office when you return."
Click. The call ends.
Okay, stranger things have happened. Zack has a wonderful time on the Tiny Bronco. Cid even offers to teach him to fly it someday.
It's been a productive day. The Enemy Skill materia that was empty this morning now contains two new skills: Beta and White Wind. The fights were somewhat interesting but not difficult. He'll send SOLDIER Thirds to get those next time.
Sephiroth spends the night at Fort Condor on a soft bed in a private guest room. Fort Condor is well known for its anti-Shinra sentiment; if anyone other than the leaders of the resistance knew he was here, things would get messy. But Sephiroth donates gil to their mercenary fund and sends only inexperienced troops to fight them, ensuring that both sides suffer only minor injuries in the battles. The only casualty is their pride. He knows this arrangement won't last forever, but they let him stay as long as he doesn't come too often.
Sephiroth always comes in late and leaves early, unseen, so that the honest defenders of the Fort don't get in trouble for harboring a Shinra employee.
He's told the board, not untruthfully, that he keeps Fort Condor standing as a vital training exercise for the regulars. When they worry about a festering nest of rebellion, he reminds them that it's better to know where your enemies are. The reactor on top is still functional; it would be a waste to destroy it. The mercenaries are of no concern, since Shinra could pay them so much more to switch sides if needed.
On the way back to Midgar, he decides he'll support any of Reeve's proposals that involve building a new route to Junon that doesn't go through the swamp.
When he arrives, Sephiroth greets the scientists and returns the Enemy Skill materia to its secure place in the lab.
Zack meets Elena for a late lunch in the fancy upper level cafeteria. He's trying a different dish this time. It's okay.
She sits down with her usual. "Hey Zack, how'd your mission go?"
"It was awesome! I went to Rocket Town and..."
Her eyes light up when he tells her the rest.
"Wow, you're really into this space stuff! I'd like to tell you more but the General wants me in his office right after this. Guess I can't catch a break."
"Hmm, he sent for me, too. Looks like I'm coming with you."
It's almost time.
He's not worried about his plans being overheard. Shinra stopped bugging his office years ago when it became obvious that replacing the devices he destroyed was a complete waste of money.
There's a classified envelope in his inbox. Is it important? If it is, it should have been delivered to him directly instead of left here. Sephiroth opens it.
Well done, Zack. Inside is a photograph taken in Rocket Town in the late afternoon light. A clever trick of perspective makes it seem like his little dragon paperweight is almost as big as the leaning Shinra 26. The dragon looks like it's trying to hold up the rocket, straightening it toward the sky.
Zack and Elena arrive outside his office. Sephiroth bids them enter.
"Welcome. The mission I am about to explain will be dangerous. It requires the utmost secrecy. If, after hearing the briefing, you choose not to accept the mission, you will not remember any of this."
Zack catches on quickly. "Does this have anything to do with that phone call yesterday?"
"Very good. Did you bring what I requested? Give it to me."
Zack places his childhood Enemy Skill materia carefully on Sephiroth's desk.
"Thank you. I assure you, no harm will come to it and I will return it to you when we are finished. Now, Elena."
"Yes, sir?"
"This is an Enemy Skill materia, which I am issuing to you temporarily. Your mission is to break into Hojo's lab tonight. You will wait above the ceiling tiles here," he points to the map on his desk, "until 0820 tomorrow morning. At 0830, Hojo's lecture will begin. The grad students will be presenting their pet projects."
"That's a long wait." Elena pockets the yellow orb as instructed.
Zack groans. "Pet projects? Not your best pun."
Sephiroth continues. "The creatures will likely require live prey as an incentive to demonstrate their tricks, so there will be plenty of goldfish and feeder mice nearby. Several lab technicians will be on hand to assist with that. Some students may come in late. When as many targets as possible have gathered, Elena will cast Frog Song."
Elena starts laughing. Zack grins.
"I know Elena will be able to get out of there safely. However, I will be watching through the security cameras. If something goes wrong, I will set Hojo's desk lamp on fire. The sprinklers will go off, creating a distraction. He already uses a bulb that burns too hot, and no one will question my presence in the lab."
"So what will I be doing?" asks Zack.
"You will be far away from the action so that you have a solid alibi."
Zack looks dejected.
"You brought it upon yourself, Zack." Sephiroth sighs, but then turns serious again. "Now that I have explained the mission, do you accept?"
The SOLDIER and Turk salutes are different. "Yes, sir!"
He nods. "Two days from now, we will meet back here at 1900 hours and watch the carnage. Oh, and perhaps none of us should be seen together more than necessary, starting now. Elena will leave first. Good luck, Elena."
"Thank you, sir."
After she leaves, Zack asks, "Why can't I come too? Is this about that one time when I put that Turtle's Paradise flyer..."
"Possibly."
The next afternoon there's a meeting in the board room. It's nothing special.
Hojo is more than distressed, he is furious.
Scarlet laughs at him. The rumors of the frog incident have spread like wildfire.
Reeve has the day off.
Heidegger is absent. Rufus looks smug.
Palmer remains blissfully ignorant of his impending fate.
Tseng has nothing new to report.
President Shinra tells them to stop goofing off and get back to work.
Hojo follows Sephiroth out afterward. He's suspicious. Good.
"What do you know about these rumors?" Hojo gestures wildly.
"I know your entire lab got turned into frogs."
"Do you know who did it?"
"No." Sephiroth has years of practice lying to Hojo. "Investigations are ongoing."
"The things I'll do to them when I find out... They'll regret this!"
"I'm sure. Good day, Professor."
They're standing in front of the elevator. Hojo steps in, glares at Sephiroth, pushes the 'door close' button, and rides down to the lab.
Hojo finds a father's day card on his desk, even though today's date is nowhere close to the holiday.
To my father, from your loving son.
Where he expects a signature, there is a cute frog sticker taunting him instead.
Hojo rages. He can't tell anyone about this! It's not enough proof for an accusation! More importantly, when did Sephiroth find out? The prank was well executed, the perpetrators will never be caught. Just as he'd expect from his perfect son. He smiles. He'd be laughing too if it hadn't happened to him. Hojo can't stay angry as he continues the monumental task of reorganizing the lab.
Elena and Zack meet Sephiroth in his office at the appointed time. Officially, they're supposed to be investigating the incident.
Sephiroth shows them the footage of the successful mission. The glorious notes of Frog Song drift down from the ceiling, filling the lab. Every living thing present turns into a frog. All the students, their pet monsters, Hojo, all the food animals, a few unfortunate lab techs, and one unlucky secretary are caught in the effect. When the emergency response team arrives, no one can tell the frogs apart or who or what they had been before. It is complete chaos.
It's pretty intense. Zack and Elena consider not helping Sephiroth with another prank, ever.