Chapter 4
"Tom, what I have to tell you may be hard for you to believe, but it is all the truth. I want you to listen to me carefully."
Tom was confused but he nodded to the Captain and said
"Sure Captain. What's this about?"
Kathryn continued to look at him, and then she patted the couch and he came over and sat down. He noticed she had no coffee and offered to get her a cup, but she refused. Now that was unusual. No coffee. He waited as she seem to be struggling with what she wanted to say. This was also weird, as he had never seen her at a loss for words. Finally she began what would be the hardest thing she would ever have to do. And a talk that would last an hour.
"Tom, when I was sixteen, I entered the academy as one of a group of five. We all had taken the exam and passed with flying colors. You remember that each year Star Fleet admits a few early students, and I was lucky enough to be one. I had such dreams of becoming a scientist and exploring the universe."
Tom smiled and nodded. He knew she loved finding something new to explore.
"We were all assigned to an instructor as an adviser. I was assigned to your father. To begin with, I was thrilled to have him help me. We would meet after class, and he seemed very interested in my career. But then he started to try to push me towards Command. My interest was really in science, but he thought Command was more suitable."
Tom could relate to that, his father had pushed hard for him to go through Command, but his first love had been piloting. He had defied him and had become a pilot...a good one.
"Then, just before finals that first year, I got word that my parents were killed and I went into a depression. I wasn't able to get home to be with my sister and I didn't know who to turn to. For a couple of days, I walked around in a stupor. I didn't care about finals, or anything at that point. Then I got a message from your father that I was acting ridiculous and I had to pass with maximum grades. He ordered me to your home for study."
Tom snorted and knew exactly what she meant. He understood her sorrow at losing her parents so young. His mom had left him when he was four, and he still missed her. He knew that if he ever found her he'd hug her and never let her go. It was something he couldn't explain to himself...he craved the physical contact...he loved it when the Captain would come up and lay her hand on his shoulder on the bridge. The physical contact was like a lifeline to him. He found a burning anger rise in him at his father for treating the Captain like he had treated him all his life.
"I don't know how I did it, but I found myself at your home. I rang the bell, and he answered the door, and he smelled of alcohol. It was obvious he'd been drinking. I should have left right then, but I wasn't thinking straight, so I went in, and once inside, he began to offer me a drink. When I refused he became angry. I had never seen him like that, and I became a little uneasy. When I asked where his wife was, he told me she had left for a vacation with your sisters that morning. I became very uneasy, as he tried to put his arm around my shoulders to guide me into the living room."
She saw the look of shock on Tom's face and knew he was getting a little uncomfortable with her story, but she plunged on. She had to get this out into the open.
"He got quite upset when I said I couldn't stay, that I had made a date with one of the second year cadets. I hadn't, but I wanted to leave. He was scaring me. He grabbed my arm and roughly started to drag me upstairs, growling that he was going to show me how a real man was."
Tom now had a look of horror on his face.
"Captain, please..."
But she just placed her hand on his shoulder and said
"Please, Tom, let me finish. It will all become plain."
The look never left his face but he nodded. He wasn't sure why she was telling him this story. He felt uncomfortable, but if she trusted him enough to tell him, then he would listen.
"He got me upstairs and dragged me into the bedroom. I was trying to get lose, but he was strong. He began hitting me. I continued to struggle, but it just made him angrier. He dragged me closer to the bed, and before I knew it, he had injected me with something. I began to feel like I couldn't stand, and he pushed me down on the bed."
Tom began to look physically ill. She stopped for a moment and again reached out to lay her hand on his arm. She didn't want to tell him the details of the attack, so she softly continued.
"When it was over, I felt nothing. He started calling me a slut and told me to get out. He warned me to keep my mouth shut, or he would make sure I keep it shut permanently. As I got dressed, he taunted me saying that no one would believe me, that I was just a dirty little tramp."
Tom was now crying, the tears flowing down his cheeks. To think his father could do such a thing. But then his father had always been a bully. Tom had been not only physically abused, but mentally too. He was really beginning to hate him.
"I left, and must have wandered for hours. I had no feeling, just despair. I finally made it back to my room, and it was then that I began to cry. It was a month later that I found out I was pregnant. I thought hard on what I wanted to do. Medical wanted me to abort, but I couldn't do that. I had been brought up to value life, and even though my baby was conceive out of violence, it surely wasn't his fault. My baby was completely innocent. I also found out that your father had tried to get me expelled but several of my teachers came to my defense and I was retained. They moved me to a different adviser, so I felt better."
She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before she continued
"When my baby came, and I held him in my arms the first time, I fell completely in love with him. He was so sweet. He had the bluest most beautiful eyes and the softest blond curls. He was so happy all the time, he smiled and gurgled and I just loved him so much. I was planning to go back to Indiana and raise my son, but after two weeks, your father came and wanted the baby. I refused him, but he began to threaten both me and my sister. He even made veiled threats against my son. He finally forced me to sign over my parental rights to my son. I was just eighteen, and very stupid, and I didn't know what to do to protect both my son and sister. I knew how powerful your father was, and that he could follow through with his threats. It killed me to give him up, but at the time I couldn't think of anything else."
She watched Tom closely as she said the next thing. She wanted to see if he understood the full facts.
"When he came to get my baby, he had his wife with him. She was so happy. She told me that they had found out she was not able to have any more children due to an accident she'd had, and that they had always wanted a son..."
Suddenly, Tom gasped. He looked at her with a mixture of pain and realization on his face. For a moment, he just stared at her. Then a sob escaped his lips and he dropped his head into his hands. He was crying and his shoulders shook with the sobs that were so filled with agony. Kathryn was also crying as she saw the pain in her son. She reached out to him and tried to take him in her arms, but he flinched and with a swiftness she didn't expect, he jumped up and went to the middle of the room. For a moment, he just stood there with his back to her. She ached to go to him, but this had to be his decision.
Finally he turned and with tears streaming down his cheeks, he barely whispered
"You're my...my...mother?"
She was crying too. All she could do was nod. She could feel his pain and wanted so to take it away, but she couldn't. He stood in silence and then took a shuddering breath and tried to calm down. He was losing that battle.
"You're saying that...that instead of ….of being conceived in love...I was conceived...in ...in rape? That means I'm...I'm"
She wouldn't let him finish his thought. She stood and started towards him, but he began to back up. She stopped and said
"It was not your fault, Tom. You were an innocent baby. You may have been the result of a rape, but I never blamed you. You were my darling baby...my son...I loved you...I still do. Please, Tom, don't shut me out."
"Why didn't you try to get me back? After my...my mom left? He told me it was my fault, that I had made her leave, because she...she couldn't deal with my misbehavior. He hit me...all the time. I hate him...I HATE HIM!"
He broke down again and began sobbing hysterically. She again tried to go to him, but he backed up again and looked at her with a pleading in his eyes.
"I have to be alone now...I...I need to...to think about this...is too much. I can't stay...I need to go...I can't be here."
He wildly looked around the room for an escape but then realized he'd have to get to his quarters. He couldn't face anyone right now. He could feel his life spinning out of control. What could he do? He looked back at the woman who was his mother and begged
"Please, Captain, Please let me beam directly to my quarters. I need some time, please...please"
Her heart went out to him, he was so distraught and the tears were streaming down his face and she said
"Computer, beam Mr. Paris directly to his quarters."
As the effects of the transported took him, he looked at her and she saw his eyes and the pain there. Once he had gone, she turned and walked back to the couch and collapsed. She began weeping in earnest. It had been hard and she felt so much grief for Tom, but she also felt relief that she had finally been able to tell him. She loved him and wanted only the best for him. She sat there for a few moments until she had gotten some control over her emotions. Once she felt she had, she tapped her com badge and whispered only two words
"Chakotay...please..."
His voice came on immediately and he said
"I'm on my way."
She leaned back on the couch and just closed her eyes. This had been harder that she had thought.
Moments later, Chakotay entered the ready room and upon seeing Kathryn, he went to her and gathered her into his arms. She leaned against him and just cried for five minutes while he rocked her back and forth. Soon, she settled down and Chakotay said softly
"How did it go Kathryn, How's Tom?"
She took a deep breath and said shakily
"I'm okay, but it was a big shock to Tom. He was very upset and wouldn't let me comfort him. He was shocked to find out that he was a product of rape."
She frowned and said
"His self esteem just took a nose-dive. Oh Chakotay, he was so hurt. He raged at his father, and said he hated him. I'm worried about him. I let him beam directly to his quarters..."
She trailed off and Chakotay called the Doctor.
"Doctor, are you alone?"
"Yes, Commander, what can I do for you?"
"The Captain just finished her talk with Tom. He was quite upset, and the Captain is worried about him. Can you set up a monitor on his vital signs?"
"Of course...how is the Captain?"
"She upset too, but I'm with her and will make sure she's alright. If you will keep an eye on Tom though..."
"It's done...so far all seems well with the exception of elevated readings on his adrenaline and heart level. Nothing to indicate he is doing harm to himself. I can beam to his quarters if you'd like."
Chakotay looked at Kathryn, but she shook her head, so he said
"No Doctor, that shouldn't be necessary, but if you see any change that concerns you please do."
"Yes commander, tell the Captain not to worry. Doctor out."
He turned back to Kathryn and said
"Who's at Conn?"
"Ensign Rollins."
He tapped his com badge and said
"Chakotay to Tuvok."
Tuvok answered immediately.
"Tuvok, Mr Paris is on personal leave until further notice. Please have Ensign Rollins continue at Conn for now. I'll be reworking the rooster to cover Mr. Paris' shifts."
"Understood, Commander. Tuvok out."
On the bridge, both Rollins and Harry Kim looked at each other with concern on there faces. What was wrong with Tom? Harry, as his best friend wanted to go to him to see if anything was wrong, and Rollins, along with the other pilots, respected and like the senior pilot a lot. He just hoped Tom was okay.
Back in the ready room, Chakotay was worried about Kathryn. She looked bad and he wanted her to go to her quarters and rest. He was also concerned about Tom. How was he doing. He was sure he would want to be alone to sort out all the information he'd been given. Then he suddenly realized. Harry...He was on the bridge and had hear his conversation with Tuvok about Tom. He knew Harry would go straight to Tom as soon as the shift was over. He had to run some interference.
"Kathryn, I need to go talk to Harry. Will you be alright till I get back"
She nodded and then realized that Harry would make a beeline to Tom as soon as he could. She looked worried and said
"Hurry Chakotay!"
He rose and walked out to talk to Harry. She sighed and again closed her eyes. She was so drained. It had been hard on her, but she knew it had been harder on Tom. She so wanted to take the pain away from him, but she knew he wanted time alone to sort things out. She knew that Harry would want to run directly to Tom, and that he could be very insistent in trying to get Tom to talk about his troubles. She didn't want Tom to have to hurt Harry, so she was glad Chakotay had realized that he had been on the bridge. She looked out at the stars passing and sighed. Chakotay came back in and said
"I took care of Harry. He's worried, but promised to let Tom come to him. Now, I'm taking you to your quarters, you need rest and to settle down."
For once she didn't argue, and they left together by the back door and went straight to her quarters.
Tom was numb. How could he deal with this? The Captain? His mother? How was he going to be able to serve with her now? What did she really think about him? Did she really love him? He had been conceived by rape and violence. How could she love him? She must hate him. His father had raped her. How could she love him? Why did his father do it? Why had he been born? His mind struggled to get a grip on everything she had told him.
He hated his father for doing this. What kind of monster was he? Did his father love him? Had he ever loved him? No, Tom knew he hadn't. He was always telling him how much he disappointed him...how he was always embarrassing him. Him, the great and mighty Admiral. Ha! What a sorry excuse for a man. A real man didn't do that. He determined that if they ever got back to the AQ, he'd kill him...he hated him...HE HATED HIM!
But did she really love him? Could she love him with all his shortcomings? He'd been pacing his room for hours now trying to sort out his feelings. But wasn't that what mother's did? Love unconditionally? Did she? Could she? He had to know. He just had to know.
"Computer location of Captain Janeway?"
"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."
The computer intoned
"Is she alone?"
"Negative, Commander Chakotay is with her"
Not what he wanted to hear, but he had to go to her. He left his quarters and headed to her's. So intent on his mission, he didn't notice the people whom he passed. They just saw the look on his face, and decided to steer clear of him. He arrived at the Captain's quarters and rang for entrance. After a moment, the door opened and revealed Chakotay. He looked at Tom with surprise. He hadn't expected him so soon. Tom was dressed in the same sweat pants and T-shirt and he just brushed past him, as if he didn't even see him. He walked over to the Captain with the look of a lost child and Kathryn looked up at him with concern on her face. For a moment, he said nothing, just looked at her. Then he said with anguish in his voice
"Captain...Cap...Mama, please...please... will you hold me?"
Tears began flowing down his cheeks, and the look in his eyes was uncertain and with utter sorrow. She held her arms out to him and within a second, he was next to her, curling up and laying his head on her breast sobbing uncontrollably. He hung on to her for dear life and kept repeating
"Do you love me?... Do you really love me?"
She was holding his head to her and resting her head on his, rocking him and saying in that singsong voice of a mother trying to comfort their child.
"Tom, Tom, Of course I love you...you're my son. I've loved you since the day you were born. You're my darling son and nothing...nothing would ever make me not love you. Shuuush, honey, everything's going to be okay. I love you."
Tom continued to sob in her arms but her voice seemed to comfort him and she was crying too. But the scene was something that pulled at Chakotay's heart strings. It was a tender reunion of mother and son, and it was something they needed to be alone for. He turned to leave, and as he did he heard Kathryn say gently
"I never wanted to hurt you."
TBC