Recipe for Disaster
Chapter 4: The Hardest Thing
After Lindsay left my kitchen, I had no idea on what I was gonna do. I desperately wanted to see Brittany again and talk to her, but I honestly felt like it would just be too much.
When Lindsay mentioned that they had tried talking to their parents about me but got nothing in return, it made my blood boil. I have no clue on what the Pierce's have said about me in the past, but I still feel some resentment towards them from keeping me away from their daughter after the accident.
I used to have such a good relationship with them, that's why I was completely shocked when they, mainly she, asked me to stay away from Brittany.
Flashback - June 2007, New York
When Brittany initially woke up from her coma, I was so relieved and overjoyed to see those beautiful blue eyes staring back at me. But something was different... her eyes used to be a bright blue and light up every time they met mine, but now they were replaced with a darker blue, filled with confusion.
She didn't remember me... she didn't remember us.
I was literally heartbroken at the fact that Brittany didn't know who I was, but I remained hopeful. I spoke to her doctors and they were very hopeful as well that her memory would come back. However, after a month went by with no progress, the probability of that happening became slim to none.
Once Brittany was well enough to be released from the hospital, her parents pulled me aside to have a little chat with me. Mrs. Pierce did most of the talking while her husband stood beside her. I knew that I probably wasn't going to like what I was about to hear, but nothing could've prepared me for the fucking bombshell they dropped on me.
"Santana... we're taking Brittany back to Lima with us," Mrs. Pierce stated casually.
"What?" I ask incredulously. "What about her life here... what about school?"
"Jack and I have already spoken to the dean at Juilliard and he's agreed to let Brittany medically withdraw from school."
"Okay, but why does she have to go back to Lima?" I questioned, still confused by this new information. "The way you're talking... this sounds permanent."
"Santana, you heard what the doctors said..." Mrs. Pierce starts off. "Brittany has a long road of recovery ahead of her and she's in no condition to be able to take care of herself right now."
"I'll take care of her!" I quickly respond. "Quinn will help too!"
"Sweetie, I wouldn't begin to burden you or Quinn with this heavy task ahead, especially with you both being so young and focused on school," she states. "Brittany needs to be at home, in a familiar place, to help her get better."
"But this is her home," I argue. "Taking care of her wouldn't be a burden... I'd do anything for Brittany!"
"I know you would dear... that's why what I'm about to ask you is extremely difficult..." Mrs. Pierce trails off.
I take a deep breath, not knowing what's about to happen.
"Santana... I need you to stay away from Brittany," she states.
My eyebrows furrow because clearly I must've misheard her.
"W-what are you talking about?" I ask.
"Brittany doesn't remember you, Quinn, or anything about her life here..." Mrs. Pierce begins. "We feel that it would be in our daughter's best interest if you stopped all forms of communication with her, starting immediately."
I am absolutely stunned and fucking furious at what this lady had the audacity to just say to me. I mean seriously... is this bitch for real?
"Forgive my language, but are you fucking kidding me right now?!" I state loudly, balling up my fists by my side.
"Santana..." Mrs. Pierce starts to say as she raises her hand to lie on my shoulder. I move away quickly before she's able to make contact.
"Don't... touch... me..." I say very slowly through my teeth. Mrs. Pierce immediately retracts her hand. "You can't just cut me out of Brittany's life!"
"It's already been done..." she retorts. "Brittany doesn't remember you. The last thing she needs while trying to recover is someone, who is now a stranger to her, constantly trying to remind her of something she can't remember..."
Hearing Mrs. Pierce's words felt like a dagger straight through my heart. Although her words angered me, what she said did have some validity. Brittany didn't remember me... what if she never did? The last thing I would ever want to do is become a burden to her or inadvertently make her feel guilty for not being able to remember.
"But, she's my best friend..." I whisper out, tears rapidly falling from my eyes now. "P-please don't do this..." I beg, my eyes pleading with the Pierces. Mr. Pierce doesn't say anything, just stands behind his wife, not daring to make eye contact with me.
"I'm sorry Santana..." Mrs. Pierce offers. "I know that you probably hate me right now, but I'm trying to do what's best for my daughter."
"I love your daughter..." I manage to get out through my tears.
"I know you do..." Mrs. Pierce replies, her eyes watering up. "That's why you need to let her go."
With that, Mrs. Pierce grabs her husband's hand and begins walking down the corridor, away from me.
"What if she eventually remembers me?" I yell out, stopping them in their tracks.
"Then she'll come back to you..." Mrs. Pierce replies before continuing down the hall until her and Mr. Pierce are completely out of sight.
I remain standing there in the middle of the hospital, violently shaking and crying uncontrollably.
"Goodbye, Brittany..." I whisper to myself.
As I stand in the middle of my kitchen, my arms are firmly clutching my chest and I'm shaking, much like I was that particular day. All of those memories bring up mixed emotions that I had buried deep inside of me until Brittany magically appeared back in my life last night. A part of me is still angry at her parents for stealing her away from me. The other part of me is angry at myself for not fighting harder for her. I guess in the grand scheme of things, I gave up so easily because I blamed myself for the accident. At that time, seeing Brittany like that, I felt like everything was my fault and that I didn't deserve to be with her for my own punishment. That's why after all of these years, I never tried to find her or contact her.
Although it broke me to let go of her and watch as she walked out of my life, I never stopped thinking about her or caring about her… I never stopped loving her. But of course, I'll probably never tell her that.
"Yo, Santana…" I hear Puck's voice from behind me. I try quickly to wipe away the water in my eyes before he can see, but I'm unsuccessful. "Shit, San… what the hell happened?" he says, embracing me into a soothing hug.
"I'm losing my fucking mind…" I sob into his shoulder. "I wasn't prepared for this… I don't know what to do."
"It's okay San… talk to your lesbro," he says. I giggle a little.
I then fill him in on Lindsay's visit and everything that happened the night before. Puck listens intently and tells me to man up and go talk to Brittany because he knows that I want to, no matter how much I try to deny it.
Just for the record… I hate it when he's right!
After talking with Puck, I felt much calmer and was actually able to make it through the lunch rush. Once Blaine arrived for his shift, I told him that I would be gone for a few hours and that he was in charge. After that, I made my decision and sent Lindsay a text to let her know that I was on my way to their hotel to talk to Brittany.
Once I arrived at the hotel, Lindsay met me in the lobby and told me that Brittany was expecting her back any minute now. With that in mind, I made my way to their room and stood outside of the door for a minute, trying to collect my thoughts. After taking one last deep breath, I lightly knock on the door. After a few seconds, I hear footsteps approaching the door.
"Let me guess, you forgot your key…" Brittany says as she's opening the door. She stops dead in her tracks and just stares at me once she realizes that I'm not her sister.
"Hey Brittany…" I say softly. "Can I come in?"
Brittany quickly nods her head and steps aside so that I can enter the room. Once inside, I sit on the desk chair while she sits on the edge of the bed. She then grabs the remote and turns off the TV to give me her full attention.
"How did you know where to find me?" Brittany asks.
"Your sister…" I reply back. She chuckles to herself and shakes her head with an all-knowing smile.
God, I've missed her laugh.
"I'm kinda surprised to see you…" she starts off. "After your reaction last night, I didn't think that I would again."
"Well… if you were in my shoes, you probably would've wanted to run away too," I state. She gives me a small smile. "Your sister can be very convincing though."
"Yeah, tell me about it," Brittany says, playfully rolling her eyes.
"Anyways… I know that you probably have a lot of questions to ask so I'll do my best to answer them," I begin. "However… I just hope that you realize that it wasn't easy for me to come here and that it may be difficult for me to talk about certain things."
"I understand," Brittany responds. "I just want to thank you in advance for doing this."
I flash a tiny smile at her.
"So… where should we start?"
"Um… I'm not really sure," Brittany states. "I guess first and foremost, I'd really like to know what happened to us. I mean, according to my yearbook, we used to be best friends…"
"Well, I guess I'll just start from the beginning…" I state.
I then begin telling Brittany about the first time we met and how we instantly became best friends. I told her about Quinn and Puck and how we all became such close friends. Before I moved to Lima, Brittany had already known both of them since Quinn was a cheerleader and Puck was a football player, but they never really hung out until I came along. Once we all started hanging out, we discovered that we all shared a common love for music. It was this discovery that led us to form our band, Loose Change. We had lots of fun back then, playing weekly at this great restaurant called Breadstix. I played guitar and was lead vocals while Brittany played the drums, Puck played bass, and Quinn was on the keyboards. Brittany really seemed to enjoy hearing about the band and our other friends that she didn't know about. Talking about this stuff now makes me realize how much I miss singing, but that's a story for another time.
I then told Brittany about life after high school. After we graduated from McKinley, me, Brittany, and Quinn moved to New York for college while Puck moved to California. Brittany had gotten a scholarship to Julliard while Quinn and I received academic scholarships to NYU. Since we were all best friends, the 3 of us decided to rent an apartment together instead of staying in the dorms. All of our parents preferred for us to not live on campus anyways so they helped us out tremendously with rent.
Our time in New York was some of the best memories of my life. It was where the 3 of us found our independence… it's where Brittany and I fell in love.
Flashback – September 2005, Freshman year
It was the end of our first week of college and we were dog-tired. Brittany and I sat on the couch in our living room while Quinn was still at school for some workshop she had signed up for.
"Oh my God… college is exhausting!" Brittany states, exasperated. I giggle at her dramatics.
"Well, yeah… what did you expect Britt?" I ask casually.
"I don't know… I just feel like I can't move and my throat is super dry," she responds.
"You're probably just dehydrated," I reply. "Let me get you some water."
I then hop off of the couch and head towards the kitchen, grabbing 2 water bottles for us. As I sit back on the couch, Brittany lies down and drapes her legs over my lap.
"Thanks San," she says as I hand her the water bottle, "you always take such good care of me."
"Of course, Britt! You're my best friend… it's kinda in the job description," I state simply like it's the most obvious thing.
As we sit peacefully on the couch with the low hum of the TV on in the background, I start to massage Brittany's feet to help her relax. I know that she's had a pretty intense week and her feet must be killing her by now, so I figured it was the least I could do.
"That feels so good…" Brittany says in appreciation. "I don't know how I'm supposed to make it the next 4 years like this…"
"What do you mean?" I ask, inquisitively.
"It's just that…" Brittany trails off. "Everyone is so good… I don't know how I'm gonna keep up with them."
Hearing Brittany doubt herself hurts my heart. I had no idea she felt like this.
"That's crazy talk, Britt…" I start out. "You are one of the most amazing dancers that I've ever seen!"
"You're just saying that cuz you're my best friend…" she says solemnly, looking away from me.
I remove Brittany's legs from my lap and slide over on the couch so that I am directly beside her. I then reach my hand out and lift up her chin gently so that she's looking at me.
"Hey, listen to me… you are incredible," I begin. "The first time I saw you dance, I almost cried because it was just so moving and beautiful," I state sincerely. "If I were those other students at Julliard, I'd be worried cuz they got nothin' on you Britt-Britt!"
I see a small smile grace Brittany's lips before she slowly starts to shake her head like she doesn't believe what I'm saying.
"Thanks for saying that, but I still feel like I'm out of my league…" she states.
"You know I'd never lie to you, right?" I ask her. She slowly nods her head up and down. "What do I have to do to make you believe me?"
As Brittany shrugs her shoulders, I can't help but notice the sad puppy look on her face. I don't want her to be sad. Brittany is the most positive and upbeat person I know so seeing her in this state is unacceptable. I then realize that my hand was still touching Brittany's face. I don't know what came over me, but as our eyes connected, I lifted up my other hand to cup her chin and gently pulled her towards me.
As I leaned forward, I felt butterflies in my stomach as our lips touched for the first time. Our kiss was soft and short, only lasting a few seconds before I slowly pulled away. I knew I had crossed a line, but at that point in time, I really didn't care. Whether it was for my own selfish reasons or just wanting to make Brittany feel better (which is what I tell myself at least), I kissed her and there was nothing I could do to take it back.
As I cautiously open my eyes, I find Brittany's crystal blues staring back at me. I lower my hands from her face and lean back a little to give her some space. I'm looking right at her, but for the first time since I've known her, I can't read the expression on her face.
"Wow…" Brittany finally says, "… was that a part of the best friend handbook?"
"I know I probably shouldn't have done that…" I reply softly. "I'm sorry, I…"
I start to say something else, but my words get cut off by the sudden appearance of Brittany's lips on mine. The action was so sudden that I lost my balance and fell backwards onto the couch. Brittany's lips never break away from mine, our kiss deepening as she lies on top of me. After a couple of minutes of exchanging soft, sensual kisses, we finally break apart and just stare at each other.
"Don't apologize…" Brittany starts off, "… don't ever apologize for kissing me."
All I can do is nod my head blankly. I'm completely dumbfounded at this point. I guess my brain is still trying to catch up with the events that had just taken place. Since Brittany actually kissed me back, I guess there's no point in hiding the truth anymore.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," I state sincerely while softly running my fingers through her hair.
"I think I might have a pretty good idea…" Brittany responds cheekily.
"So… I guess that means you like me too?" I hesitantly ask.
Brittany leans down and places a quick, but chaste kiss to my lips.
"Santana, there's a reason why I never dated anyone in high school…" Brittany simply states.
I take a second to think about her statement before it finally hits me.
"Oh…" I reply as the puzzle pieces finally start to make sense. All of this time, we both liked each other but neither of us were courageous enough to make the first move. "So… what does this mean?"
Brittany softly strokes my cheek as she tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.
"It means… we have a lot of catching up to do," she states with a grin on her face. I smile back at her before our lips meet again
Honestly… there's no better feeling in the world than Brittany's lips attached to mine.
"Santana?" Brittany says, breaking me away from my thoughts.
"Huh?" I reply. "Oh sorry, I just drifted off for a minute… where was I?"
"You were telling me about our first year of college," she responds with a smile.
"Oh, right…" I state before continuing on.
As I retell the stories of our first year of college, I decided not to tell Brittany about our romantic relationship. As much as I want to tell her all about our first kiss, our first date, our first time… I can't. Re-living those irreplaceable memories with her and her not being able to remember one second of it would just hurt entirely too much. I've never lied to Brittany before. Technically, I'm not lying to her now… I'm just choosing to only disclose some of the facts.
After I get through telling Brittany about all of our wild adventures in New York, I finally get to that horrible night that changed everything. I know I said before that New York was the home to some of my best memories ever… however, it's also the home of the worst memory of my life.
Flashback – June 2007, New York
Brittany and I were on our way to dinner on a Friday night when the unthinkable happened. I was stopped at a red light, having an animated conversation with Brittany. Once our light turned green, I looked both ways before taking my foot off of the brake and slowly entering the intersection. What happened next is still a bit fuzzy.
I remember bits and pieces from that night. I remember our car being struck on Brittany's side. I remember everything going dark for what seemed like forever, but actually only ended up being a few minutes. I remember waking up and being in excruciating pain, not knowing where I was for a split second. And then I thought of Brittany. At that moment, it didn't matter what could possibly be wrong with me… I just had to help Brittany.
At some point during the collision, our car flipped over. Once I was able to free myself from my seat belt, I scrambled to get Brittany out of hers. She was unconscious, which freaked me out because I started to smell gas leaking from the car and I couldn't get her to wake up. I don't know if it was adrenaline or something else, but by some force of God, I was able to get Brittany out of the car and carry her to safety.
I don't remember much after that, like when the police arrived on scene or how I got to the hospital… the only thing that mattered was whether Brittany was okay or not. I remember her being rushed immediately into surgery based on her extensive injuries, but after that, everything else is kinda blank.
Later on after I had recovered a bit, the doctors told me that I had a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist, a couple of bruised ribs, and a mild concussion. They seemed very befuddled by how I managed to carry Brittany's dead weight away from the car after the accident with the injuries that I had sustained. I simply told them that people are capable of incredible things when it comes to the people they love.
Of course when I replayed the night of the accident for Brittany, I left out the love part. I also left out the part of how her parents basically forced me to stay away from her after she woke up from her coma and didn't remember me.
Against my better judgment, I refrain from completely throwing Brittany's parents under the bus with the whole "stay away from our daughter" speech. Instead, I opted to tell her that her parents felt that it would be best if any of the friends that she couldn't remember would keep their distance so that we didn't distract her from her recovery. Brittany seemed a little confused by this, but eventually accepted my explanation.
"So… how did you end up in Cali?" Brittany asks.
I thought long and hard before I answered her. Again… I've never lied to Brittany before, but telling her the complete truth would've just been too much for me to handle.
"I just needed a change of pace, I guess…" I finally say as convincingly as possible. "Living in the city was great, but being near the beach is even better."
I didn't tell Brittany that the real reason was because I was so heartbroken over her. I didn't tell her that I stopped eating for days because I was so depressed when she left. I didn't tell her that being in the city without her just hurt too much because everything reminded me of her.
I could tell that Brittany wanted me to go deeper into my reasons for leaving, but for whatever reason, she didn't ask me to explain further… thankfully.
"Have you been back to Lima since then?" Brittany questions.
"No… during my sophomore year at NYU, my parents split," I respond. "My dad stayed in Lima while my mom moved to Seattle. I would've liked to have visited my dad over the years, but he barely had time for me when I was living there so I figured it wouldn't be any different."
"I'm sorry San… that must've been rough," Brittany states, displaying a sad smile and lightly brushing my hand to comfort me.
My heart nearly skipped a beat when she called me San. Brittany is first person to ever call me that… well, the first that I actually didn't mind calling me that. Quinn and Puck are the only other exceptions. By the way… Brittany almost gave me a freaking heart attack when she touched me. I think this girl is literally trying to kill me!
"It's no biggie…" I reply nonchalantly, lifting my hand up to cover up a fake cough. Her hand was still touching mine, burning a hole in it. I just couldn't take it anymore so I had to think of something to remove my hand from hers. "Anyways, that's another reason why I moved out here so that I could be closer to my mom, so I guess everything worked out."
Brittany nods before she looks at the ground and starts playing with her fingernails. That's always been a nervous habit of hers… I guess some things never change. She looks like she's in deep thought, contemplating on whether she's going to ask whatever it is that is on her mind.
"Did you ever…" she finally says, trailing off. "Did you ever… think… about…?"
Sensing where she was going with this, I lay a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Every day…" I state honestly with a small smile. This seemed to relieve whatever dilemma Brittany was having with her inner self. "I never tried to contact you cuz I figured that you still didn't remember me," I state, knowing that's where the next line of questioning was going. "I guess I just figured that if you did remember, then you would reach out to me. Sadly, you never did… until now."
"I wish I could remember…" Brittany says solemnly. "It sounds like we had a lot of good times."
"Yeah… we did," I reply with a small smile. "Well, I should probably be heading back…" I state, standing up from my chair.
"Oh, okay…" Brittany states sadly. It almost felt like she didn't want me to leave, which was nice. "Thank you again for doing this."
"You're welcome," I reply as I head towards the door.
"Santana…" Brittany says, causing me to turn around. "I know this may be a long shot, but do you think I could maybe have your phone number?"
"Umm…" I stutter out.
More than anything, I want to re-connect with Brittany. However, I don't know if I can just be her friend after all of this. I don't know if I can be just someone she talks to on occasion to catch up with. I don't know if I could handle hearing about a new person she's dating.
"It's just that we were so close before…" she starts off. "I know that we have several years to catch up on, but if you're willing… I'd like to try," she finishes with her trademark pout. "Please?"
Despite my better judgment and opening myself up to have my heart broken once again by the new Brittany, I reluctantly agree.
"Okay…" I state simply.
The mega-watt smile that appears on Brittany's face could light up the darkest room. Before I know what's happening, I'm engulfed in the tightest bear hug I've ever received. As my head gets buried into the crook of her neck, I can't help but get intoxicated off of her scent. It's still coconuts… after all of this time. Before I completely pass out and succumb to the temptation of pinning Brittany against the wall and having my way with her, I reluctantly open my mouth.
"Britt… can't… breathe…" I somehow manage to get out.
"Oh, sorry…" she giggles out while releasing her death grip on me. "I just got really excited!"
"I can tell…" I say, trying to take in some deep breaths to regulate my air flow. "Anyways, I gotta get back to the restaurant. If you and Lindsay have some time to stop by before leaving out, I'd love to cook for you again."
"Hmm… I'd love to, but I hear the waiting list is like months away to get a table," Brittany says playfully.
"I think I might be able to squeeze you in…" I state back with a grin. "Come by around 8?"
"Okay, that sounds great… and I really didn't mean for that to rhyme," she states with a smile. I smile back at her and grab some stationery off of the desk to write my number on.
"I guess I'll see you later then?" I hesitantly ask.
"Most definitely!" Brittany responds.
"Okay then, bye Brittany…" I state.
"Bye Santana…" she replies.
I then exit Brittany's room and head back towards the restaurant. Giving Brittany my number and offering to see her again may have been a big mistake, but I don't care. The girl of my dreams is suddenly back in my life so I don't want to waste this opportunity. I know that I was very hesitant at first, but God has given me a second chance to get to know Brittany again so I'm taking it.
In the end, I may end up getting hurt again, but at least it won't be for a lack of trying. Besides, she lives in Lima and I live here so I know there's not a chance of me running into her randomly. A few calls or texts here and there shouldn't be too bad… right?
I guess we'll see.
Author's Note:
Hey guys! I hope that you don't mind that this is the third update in a week! Anyways, thanks to all of you guys for your support. I'm sorry about the cliffhangers too… generally, I'm not a big fan of them but they kinda tie in well with this story. Plus, I knew that I would be updating again this week so I thought it wasn't too bad. Thanks again guys… you rock!
Disclaimer: Nope… still DON'T own Glee! What a shame…