Nearly an hour later Peeta makes his way to our room and tries to be as quiet as possible, I haven't fallen asleep yet so it doesn't matter either way. He looks at me on the bed then walks over to the window and looks out, he sighs.
"Peeta?" My voice startles him, he must have thought I was asleep. He walks over to the bed and sits down on the edge as I sit up next to him he takes my hand.
"I thought you would already be asleep," he kisses me on the forehead.
"I can't fall asleep without you anymore, you should know that," I snuggle up to him, he still seems a little tense "what's wrong?"
"It's nothing Katniss, lets just get some sleep," he settles himself next to me laying down and pulling me down with him "goodnight Katniss."
"What did I say?" I keep my eyes on him, I'm not letting this go.
"It's nothing Katniss, it doesn't matter," He closes his eyes, trying to block me out. I don't like him treating me like this. Now I'm the one that tenses up and he notices, he opens his eyes right as I get up out of bed. "Katniss, please." He whispers after me, not wanting to wake my mother. I don't listen though, I walk out of our room and down the stairs and outside, where I sit on the stairs of our porch. It only takes a few seconds before I hear him walking out the door behind me.
"I left you alone earlier, you can do the same for me," I say coolly. He still sits down next to me, and grabs my chin in his hand and forces my face towards his, I refuse to look him in the eyes.
"If you look at me I'll tell you the truth," Peeta whispers, he sounds sad, almost heartbroken, I can't help but look at him "That's better," He takes a breath. "I knew before, when the Games were still taking place that you had said you never wanted a child, but I thought that was the only reason, I figured our future would be normal and one day we'd have a family of our own." He sounds as if he's going to cry "Even in the arena during the first games, when I thought only one of us could come out alive, I wished for some miracle that one day I could be your husband, and take care of you every day and night and I always thought of having a daughter and son running around making us laugh and love, these were the thoughts that kept me alive those nights by the river. And the night I heard that two of us could make it out alive, I nearly died right there of excitement. I never thought you'd find me though, or want to have to deal with me as your burden, I figured you'd survive and you'd never think about me again," by now he is nearly sobbing, all I can do is hold him, I'm speechless "And when they announced it was only a trick about two of us coming out alive, I never thought you'd sacrifice yourself to try and save me. You really wouldn't leave without me, dead or alive. When I saw how you reacted to me being separated from you once we got out of the arena, I knew I meant something to you, but I didn't know what. When I found out everything was just a game to you, I wished I had just died in the arena. Seeing you with Gale and knowing there was something there, I had to stop myself from going out and trying to find some of those berries. It was always for my family, because family has always been the most important thing to me, until you came along that is." His voice is becoming more steady again and I try to grip onto every word "When I announced that you were pregnant during my interview before the Quarter Quell, just saying it made me smile, I had butterflies, even though I knew it wasn't real. Some nights I tried to pretend it was, I wanted to spend my last few nights thinking I was married to the girl of my dreams and that we we're going to have a child. The thought of you actually having our baby inside of you is what kept me fighting for you as hard as I did. The thought kept us both alive, I know it did."
I hold him close to me as we both cry in each-others arms. He just spilled his heart out to me about everything that had gone through his mind in the arena, about me and our love and our future. I need him to understand my side of the argument. But right now we just need to cry, not just for the argument of having children, but for everything. For everyone. We cried for all the tributes in the 74th Hunger Games, For all the tributes of the 75th Hunger games, all those lost in the rebellion, Peeta's Family. We cried for Finnick and Annie and the child that will never know its father. And most importantly, I cried for my beautiful sister, Prim. As I think about prim, my body begins to shake more rapidly, I'm choking on my tears, not a single breath can be taken. I'm hyperventilating, someone is calling my name, it sounds so distant. I try to focus.
My name is Katniss Everdeen, I'm alive, I am in District 12. I was in the Capitol but I killed Coin and I was sent back to 12. The Hunger Games are over, President Snow is dead. My sister is dead, Everyone is dead, I should be dead.
"Katniss!" Peeta's voice finally breaks through my barrier, it's pleading and concerned. I look at his face, it's as pale as I've ever seen it and I know I must look worse. "It's okay Katniss, it's fine, I'm here." He stroked my hair, but I pull away, I stand up and look at him, he is taken aback but I don't care.
"It's not fair, it's just not fair." I begin to pace back and forth in front of my house and in front of Peeta.
"Katniss please come sit-"
"I volunteered for her, I was ready to die," I stop and look up into the sky "I should have just died in the arena, I should have just let them kill me, stayed in the tree when the fire came, let the careers slice me to bits, even let the mutts have me. But no, I wouldn't die, I refused because I told her I try and come home alive. Not once thinking about the consequences, thinking about how my actions might work against her, and in the end kill her. It's my fault she's dead, I should have died for her like I planned, I should be dead. Not her."
Before I can think about what I'm doing, I'm running. I hear footsteps behind me and Peeta calling after me, but he's much too slow with his fake leg. I don't stop running, I run to the woods, I grab my bow and arrow and I keep running. My heart begins to heart and I know I can't run any farther, I collapse on the ground.
My name is Katniss Everdeen. I was in the Hunger Games, The Hunger Games will never happen again because of me. I started a rebellion that killed my friends. I started a rebellion that killed my sister. I left the capitol, I live in District 12. I am lost.