Disclaimer: Nothing changed, I still lack ownership of everything but my ideas.

Letting Go Ch. 4

Yellow flowers nodded back and forth in the old, empty church in Sector Five. For all the time since they defeated Sephiroth, it had been his home and it still served that purpose. Now, Cloud sat in one of the empty benches, head in his hands. I really messed up. I just can't do anything right. I try doing something, I mess up. I try not doing something, I still mess up. I thought I was alright, I know I said I was, but I'm not. He had tried to adjust to living outside the church and being with Tifa, but no matter how hard he tried to get closer to others, he only felt himself drifting farther apart.

I do care about them, but I don't know what keeps happening to me. I don't know how to be. I don't even know who I am half the time. How can I be what anyone expects if I don't even know if that's who I can or even want to be? What had happened during the last two and a half years went far beyond an identity crisis. When it came down to it, he hadn't even formed much of an identity beyond wanting to be in Soldier. All he wanted to be since he was young was a hero. Like Sephiroth, he scoffed. All I ended up doing was becoming his tool, something he could use to come obediently to him whenever he called, bring him whatever he needed for his own gains. It wasn't even always him, it was Jenova. His fake mother. He didn't even know his real mother.

That thought brought him suddenly back to Vincent. Why has he been hanging around, anyway? I thought he was done when we killed Sephiroth, and now he's still here. What is he even doing? He slowly recalled the cleanup of Sector Seven and groaned to himself. I really fucked this up. I don't know what happened. Every time I looked at it, I just froze. Whenever I tried to approach it, I couldn't move. I couldn't shake that feeling. Stretching out on the bench, he gazed at the clear, cold sky. No matter how much time passes, I still see that view from that web of cables on our way up to the top of the plate. Wall Market had one heck of a view. When I look at Sector Seven, all I see is the whole thing crashing behind us as we escaped on that utility hook. I see it burning below as those children looked down at it in horror. I can't help but remember that it was because of us that it happened.

They had escaped by a slim margin, swinging into the neighboring sector as Sector Seven plummeted all around them. The smell of smoke and burning rubble stayed with him for days, never escaping his memory, the heat of the fire sending him back to another day that his whole world burned. Flames reaching the sky as a black and silver fallen angel descended into darkness. Blue, icy glow of mako as Sephiroth fell, mortally wounded, into the lifestream. I'm really... nobody at all, am I? I'm just a lowly soldier that got lucky and took out a legend. But what am I when all of that isn't there? Who is Cloud? I don't even know my own favorite color. He stared as a lone bird flew by. I don't know anything at all.

No matter how many times he looked over Lucrecia's files, something didn't seem right. It was like something was missing. This is so thorough, I can't think of what could be gone. It's all here, isn't it? Even his own and his father's files didn't have what he felt he was missing.

Ah, they recorded your death though you weren't dead. Where is hers? Take a closer look there and see what wasn't said.

Not dead? He took one more look at everything, not seeing a certificate of death or even a record of a possible death. It was like she had simply vanished off the face of the planet. Missing. So she just left one day and never came back. Everyone just assumed her dead.

An assumption isn't truth. Look at how that worked with you. Remember, when you saw her in the cave, it was her image. Was it real? Think, human.

He did think, going over what he knew. She's still alive. But how?

The cave was made for a purpose.

His brain felt like it was about to fry, but eventually it came to him. Ah, you were sealed in the cave. The cave was meant to seal things?

With the protomateria there with me, I was sealed. It was so the planet could delay my arrival. It doesn't wish to die, but eventually it must to purge the lifestream of its ills.

So Lucrecia sealed herself there and is still alive?

Jenova doesn't give up its thralls easily. She can't die.

Jenova again. I thought Aerith purged Jenova six months ago.

It may not have penetrated the seal. Or it may have. She will still live on regardless.

Do you think she will show if we go there?

How should I know? I don't know what you hope to do, but it won't work.

And what exactly did you suppose I hoped to do, Chaos?

Her seal cannot be broken by you, weakling human. You don't have the strength. You won't be able to free her.

We don't have to, not now. There might be another way, but we won't know unless we know what the crystals in the caves are able to do. They may have a weakness we can exploit. Anything could be found in there, but we have to look to know.

Call the pilot, then, if you must go. Let us finish this nonsense.

Agreed. Taking out his phone, it took a moment to remember how to bring up his contact list. Marlene, where are you when I need you? Ignoring a threatening growl from Chaos, he finally found Cid's number. It rang, and he breathed a sigh of relief as he waited for an answer.

"The fuck? Valentine using a phone? Remembering to hit send? I think you finally succeeded in making me shit my pants!"

Not in the mood for their usual banter, he skipped the dozen comebacks he had for that. "I need your help, Cid."

Cid's voice grew serious. "What's wrong? Did someone get hurt?"

"No, nobody's injured. I just need to go somewhere."

"Uh... yeah, I can free up some time, I think. Where are we headed?"

"I need to go to the crystal cave. Can you take me there?"

There was a short pause. "That place? There's nothin' left in that dump, is there? Whaddya need to go there for?"

"It's a personal matter."

"Alright, alright, I get it. I can take ya there, sunshine, you just tell me when and I'll get Shera fired up. The ship, that is."

"I'm sure you wouldn't mind firing up the other Shera, either."

Cid's laughter came out loud over the line. "Alright, so when did you want to take this crazy little excursion?"

"As soon as possible would be best."

"Well, it'll take me a few hours to get out there, Shera's pretty speedy. The ship, not the real Shera, she's still slow as fuckin' molasses fixing every last stupid thing, but ya gotta love her. I'll give you a call when I get there, alright?"

"That would work well, thank you."

"No problem, you just do what ya gotta do, I'll see ya!" He hung up, leaving Vincent to his work. What a load of work it was, too.

I suppose I should take all of this with me. I might need to refer to it. Stuffing everything back into the pizza box, minus the foil, he packed away as much as he could think of for the trip. Always armed, he packed a spare and plenty of ammunition. It wasn't certain that there wouldn't be monsters in the cave and he never took any chances. I had better leave a note for my neighbor, too.

Slipping a sheet of paper from a notepad, he scribbled out a note, making sure it was written on the hard surface of the table rather than still on the pad, lest it leave an imprint for someone else to read. Am I really that paranoid, still? I'm only telling her I'll be out of town. He shook his head, forgetting his habits for the moment while he gathered everything else he needed. The note found its way into his neighbor's mail slot in her door, everything set as he made his way down the long, winding stairs. Almost everything. I have one task left.

When Tifa turned to greet yet another customer, she hadn't expected to see Vincent there, and wasn't sure what to say to him. The previous night had been beyond hard on her and when she woke up, things had gone from difficult to awkward. She wasn't proud of herself for breaking down in front of him and though she knew he only was concerned because he was her friend, it was still embarrassing. Setting aside her reservations, she decided to put on a strong face in spite of everything. "I didn't expect to see you back so soon. Is everything alright?" Looking down, she saw he had luggage, of a sort. "Are you leaving?"

Vincent nodded, setting down his pack momentarily. "I don't intend to be gone a long time, but I will be leaving. There is some new information I want to research, and it is best if I act quickly on it."

Her brow perked up at that. "New information? Is Shinra acting up?"

"No, it's older business. I put it on hold for the last few days, it isn't quite that urgent."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. So what is it? Nibelheim?"

"Somewhat." He glanced around the bar warily. "Not here, though."

Taking his hint, she stopped that train of questioning. "I see. Nothing to do with me, though, right?"

"No. This is my project."

"I get it." She nodded, trying hard to smile. "Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. I just need to be on my own for a while, you know?"

That was something he understood very well. "Yes, I know." I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I still want nothing more than to be alone. Taking his pack back up from the ground, he moved to leave. "I will be back." There wasn't anything particularly different about what he said but when it came from him, Tifa knew she could believe those words.

The sounds of the Highwind had been a welcome mechanical white noise, but the Shera was significantly quieter, humming only slightly as they sailed through the skies. Cid punched the course into the autopilot before heading over to the large mission table where Vincent unceremoniously tossed the pizza box at him.

"Wha's this, our lunch? Damn it feels cold."

"Open it," he urged quietly, leaning over the table.

"Yeah alright, so what'd you get? I really hope it's not mushroom." With a flick, he opened the box and whistled at the contents. "Well now, looks like you got the extra meaty kind, huh?"

Vincent huffed. "I know you love a good ham."

"Geez. So what have we got here anyway?" He poked through the files briefly, looking up with a serious glance. "Pretty heavy stuff here, you sure you want me looking at this?"

"I need a fresh eye." It is hard for me to trust others, but I know I can trust you. You are a coarse man, but you have shown your loyalty more than enough through the years. His peculiar sort of friendship with the abrasive pilot hadn't really happened until after Meteor when he had noticed a problem with his mechanical arm that nobody else had really known how to fix. Cid had done his best but it took two weeks to get everything sorted out. During that time, they had learned how to cope with each other without one of them ending up dead, realizing they did actually have more in common than they thought. It turned out that Cid's grandfather, who had died not long after he was born, had worked under Shinra in his youth, a member of the exploration division. Though Cid never knew him, Vincent had oddly enough had regular correspondence with him due to his frequent missions taking him to more than a few backs of nowhere. It only took a few heroic or amusing stories before they were able to reach an accord.

"Well alright, if you say so." Curiosity overcoming his reservations, he first looked through Vincent's files, raising a brow or grunting to himself at a few of the entries. "You made a hell of a name for yourself, Valentine."

He withdrew slightly. "I'm not entirely proud of it."

"No shit, I never said it was a good name! Fame, infamy, whatever! It's a lot of stuff you got here, that's all! 'Course you weren't proud of this stuff or I wouldn't be helping you, would I?"

"That is true."

"There you go, now shut up and let me read, damn it!" Browsing the entire collection, he stopped halfway through Lucrecia's files. "Hey now, I remember this one, she was in that cave, right?" At Vincent's nod, he grumbled. "What a fine mess we've got here, Sephiroth's crazy ass birth mother and that slimy son of a bitch Hojo. Ahh don't give me that look, Valentine, I know you had a soft spot for her, I don't mean it like that and you know it. Quit feeling guilty over that old stuff, it's not like you can do anything about it now. It was her choice and that's the end of it. You can't make someone live the way you want them to."

"I do know that, I'm just trying to understand. Why Hojo, of all people?"

"I guess Hojo was convenient, you know? He gave her what she wanted, a relationship with nothin' attached to it. No guilt, no drama, no crap. Maybe she picked him because she didn't feel a damn thing for him."

He blinked, surprised, and stared at him. "I do believe you just had a moment of genius there. A pity it doesn't happen more often..."

Cid tried to look affronted. "Hey, I'll have you know I've had more than my fair share of those in my lifetime!"

"Ah, well, maybe you are right." He paused, looking down at the files. "Now it makes sense. Hojo only wanted a vessel, someone who would readily agree to his experimentation. Doing anything on the unborn was frowned upon even by Shinra, so he needed someone who could both keep it quiet and understand scientific necessity. She was perfect." His voice suddenly grew cold and quiet. "He manipulated her fragile emotions at the time and capitalized on her dedication to her scientific research. He used her."

"Yeah," he growled out, sounding equally cold. "Takin' advantage of the weak, messin' around with people that aren't even born yet... Hojo better be glad he's dead or I'd make certain of it all over again!"

"There is still one piece of the puzzle left, though."

"Ah geez, are you gonna fill my head with more?"

"Yes." Pulling out everything about Chaos and the protomateria, he pointed to one section in particular. "Chaos was found in these caves. If they have some special attributes, I believe Lucrecia should be there still."

"What, she's still alive?"

"As much as I am. I know she is there, she isn't listed as dead."

"Huh..." Looking thoughtful, he leaned back casually. "Whaddya suppose you'll find there?"

"If I can find out how she sealed Chaos within me, there may be a way of removing him."

"Uh, isn't he what keeps you... y'know, alive?"

"It's true he was what aided in my revival after the experiments, but I'm not sure if he is responsible for the continuation of my life. He does, however, render me immortal. As long as he is within me, I will be forced to watch all of you die before me."

"Ah, man." He straightened, suddenly thinking of something. "Speaking of people who are gonna live a long time, how 'bout we take Nanaki with us? He knows much more about that damn planet stuff than any of us do. Plus, I gotta get him this new thingamajig I worked up for him. Come on over and take a look at it and tell me what ya think."

Glad for the change in subjects, Vincent followed him over to the utility bay where he took out a headset and a strange looking, square device on a thick collar. "What is it?"

"It's like a phone but you don't have to dial with it, see? You put on the headset and the thing is activated by your voice. Reeve helped me figure out how to do it, what with his voice commands on that damn stuffed animal of his. You can use a button inside to turn it on and off, and once it's on it responds to whatever voice is programmed, see?"

"I... see..." In truth, the contraption confused him almost as much as a cellphone.

"No you don't, you never did get one goddamn thing I ever told you about anything like this! See, this way even a knucklehead like you can make a damn call without taking all day about it! You just tell it to turn on, say call Cid, and it calls me, get it now?"

"That sounds very practical."

"It goes around the neck like so, and all he'd have to do once the thing is on is tell it to turn on or off or call someone and it does it! He wouldn't have to struggle with all those damn buttons."

"Ah, I see, but..." Turning the headset around, he looked pensive. "I'm not sure how he will receive this. He is already concerned about his friends considering him a burden at times, and I don't know if he would like that you went to any special trouble just to accommodate him."

"Ah hell I know that, that's why I made enough for everyone!" He took out another set, made obviously for himself and put it on. "You know how much of a pain of an ass it is to try and answer the damn phone while you're under a car, covered with all kinds of fluids? I got mine goin' around my neck too, I always got stuff everywhere and that's about the only place I don't."

"He will definitely feel better about it once he sees that everyone has one. I get one too?"

"Of course you do, you twit, I just have to program it to respond to you, y'know? They won't be any good until I can get in touch with everyone and get these out." He cursed, fiddling with one of the sets as he spoke. "Any luck with Spike? Did he show himself or is he still being a fucking ghost?"

Vincent retreated to a wall, leaning back against it, shaking his head. "I'm not sure whether Tifa would want me to tell the whole situation or not, but he's gone. She threw him out."

"Good, 'bout damn time. That was fuckin' unhealthy, not being around for those kids. I know damn well nothin' good comes from havin' stuff like that happening when you're a kid. Those kids gotta have someone around."

"I know."

"Well if she wants to tell me all about it, she can help me test this damn thing. Let's not just stand around yammerin', we got things to do! On our way there we'll get your headset all worked out and I'm gonna make damn well sure you know how to use it right."

"I feel so privileged," he said sarcastically, following Cid to his technological doom. I have to learn it before we get to Cosmo. I'll do it for you, Nanaki. I want you to have someone to talk to if you ever need it.

Tall sandstone pillars cut into the sky down below in Cosmo Canyon, the ancient river-carved canyon winding back and forth along the crooked trail. Flaming orange in color, the seemingly unending sunset that hung in the air about the location lit the entire valley aglow, accentuating the natural rusty hue of the marbled stone. Those that lived in the canyon had adjusted their way of life to the lay of the stone, ladders, and stairs leading to caves that pockmarked the face of the largest section of the plateau. The place had been built for war, easily fortified from within to ward off attackers as they had to come up single file along any of the staircases. Though Bugenhagen was gone, the observatory was still in use and it dominated the skyline, its long telescope jutting out from its perch.

At the gate, the usual guard still stood watch, recognizing the two of them as they approached. "Oh, are you here to see Nanaki? I don't know if he was expecting you, but he's in the observatory."

Cid gave the man a hearty thump on the back. "Good to see ya still here, you know if he found anything good to stare at up there?"

"There's certainly a lot more out there in outer space than we ever realized, but it could take a long time to find all of it."

"That's for damn sure." They made their way up "the goddamn too many stairs," as Cid said, going through the maze of tunnels and into the main area at the top of the observatory. Nanaki spotted them right away, adjusting the telescope back down with a careful touch of his paw as he walked over to greet them.

"I'm afraid I didn't know you were coming. Is everything alright?"

Cid shrugged it off. "Nah, this was kinda a last minute thing, you know? Besides, showing up outta nowhere is the best way to have company, right?"

"I am always glad for company. What do you have around your neck?"

"Well now, I thought you might like one of these things I came up with! I know how much you hate phones and I don't always like 'em either, so I rigged this up for you. Here, try it out. The neck strap doesn't have buckles or anything, you just double it up and it clings, we used it a lot in the rocket for the spacesuits and such. It's a voice activated communication system, just push a button and on it goes, none of that damn number punching and all that."

As expected, Nanaki withdrew slightly. "Oh, you didn't have to go to all that trouble, it's fine, really."

"You kiddin' me? It's no trouble at all, and we've all got 'em! I just finished them though so I need you to help me give them a test. There's one more thing, though, we're going to the crystal cave."

Vincent came forward, adjusting his own headset as he got used to it. "I suspect that there may be a way to separate me from Chaos. It will take a lot of explanation on the way, but I feel the answer may lay somewhere in the cave. Will you come with us?"

"I'm not sure why you are asking me, but if you need my help I will come with you."

"You know more than anyone about Bugenhagen's theories on the activities of the planet and the lifestream, you may be able to answer many of the questions that have been plaguing me."

Nanaki looked up at him, the real gravity of what they were doing finally sinking in. "If Chaos is removed, you will then be mortal again, correct?"

"Yes." He resisted moving forward to stroke his friend's head, knowing he disliked the gesture. "I know it would affect things for both of us, but no creature should live beyond its normal lifespan. Chaos and I were never meant to be joined."

"That is true." He sat back on his haunches, regarding him uneasily. "Though I knew you were immortal, there was still the chance that you might die from another cause."

"You will still have friends by your side. Denzel and Marlene will watch over you and if they have children and theirs and so on, they too will be with you. You won't be alone." Nodding slowly, he pondered his own statement. "I wouldn't be, either, if this doesn't work. I just want this chance."

"I understand." Rising to his feet, he perked up considerably. "We aren't solving anything here, let's be off!" Baring his teeth in a friendly grin, he dashed towards the stairs leading back down the canyon.

Cid charged after him. "About damn time! Let's get going already!"

Ahead, the horizon glowed with the last rays of sun, the ride from Cosmo Canyon short and uneventful. Vincent and Cid updated Nanaki on what information they had, and with the three of them working on it, they all agreed that the crystal cave was their most likely source of answers. The Shera scudded low through the crystal clear sky, clouds in the far distance moving slowly in the light winds. Water pooled at the top of the old conical mountain in the western continent, a waterfall spilling over the sides, sparkling in the glow as they plummeted ever onward, fueled by the underground spring. They knew the cave was there, hidden behind the falls at the top of the spring, filled with mysterious crystals.

Treading quietly into the cave, the three of them kept a lookout for monsters. An unknown source of light illuminated the room from some of the white crystals, a clear white hue against the inky black background. Creeping closer to the group, Cid whispered quietly. "Damn this place still gives me chills. What are we looking for?"

"Anything unusual," Vincent whispered back, loathe to disturb the quiet of the cave that left him feeling exposed.

"This whole goddamn cave is unusual." Taking his spear, he prodded a nearby crystal experimentally. It glowed brighter, pulsating briefly, but it showed no other sign of reacting. "What are these made of, I wonder?"

Nanaki approached one, inspecting it. "It seems that mako has gathered and compressed here harder than anywhere else we have seen, forming it into a nearly impenetrable substance."

Checking around the cavern, Vincent found a likely crystal, jutting off from the main cavern and looking like it might break. "I think it would be prudent to take a sample of it." He grabbed it with his claw around the sharp edges and tugged every which way but it didn't yield despite him putting his full strength into it. "I think I need some help."

"Damn right you do, that thing's tough!" Cid and Nanaki both went to help him pull but the crystal still clung to its perch, unaffected by their efforts. "What is this, a fucking diamond?"

"Stand back." When the others cleared the area, he aimed his gun directly at the crystal but Nanaki stopped him before he could pull the trigger.

"Wait, don't! It's too strong, it will just bounce off!"

I told you, Chaos said tauntingly in the back of his mind. You don't have the strength.

"Chaos says I don't have the strength to break it."

Cid grumbled, swearing. "Well no shit! Does that bastard have any other bright notions?"

He tried to reach out to Chaos, but nothing came. "No. I suppose we will have to study it as it is."

"Damn it. I hoped to take this back to Shera, have her poke at it. I wonder if anything can cut it."

Nothing can cut it. Nothing made by man can harm it.

"He said nothing made by man can harm it. I wonder what we can do, then."

Nanaki perked up, his ears twitching. "If nothing man-made can break it, perhaps Chaos himself can break it. He should have the strength for it, shouldn't he?"

What do you say, Chaos? Can you break it?

Just because I can doesn't mean I will.

This might be our chance for both of us to be free. Isn't that chance worth fighting for?

Very well, weakling, I will do what you cannot. Set me loose and I will break it for you.

Recognizing Vincent's silence as him conversing with Chaos, Cid watched him expectantly. "You got anything?"

"Yes, I will indeed have to transform to break even that small piece off."

"Oh man... should we clear out of here?"

I will not harm your comrades. Not now, at least.

"No, you can stay, he won't hurt either of you. Just stay back in case I accidentally shatter the crystal." He waited until they found a safe distance from him, letting the lines of his identity blur. Have your way, Chaos, but I will be watching you. His body burned as it twisted into the transformation, dark wings exploding from his back, teeth growing long and sharp. Claws sprang from his hands, the metal claw suddenly turning into flesh. He could feel the power surging through their body and as he looked out through their shared vision, he knew they would succeed.

Chaos stretched, too long confined within his human cage, looking down at the offending crystal. "Behold, mortals, what true strength looks like! I shall accomplish that which you have no hope of achieving!" Gripping the crystal with his powerful talons, he wrenched the crystal up, straining at an angle to the floor. It took a great amount of effort but at long last he heaved with a surge of energy and the crystal broke. Panting heavily, he handed the shard over to Cid. "I had forgotten how hard and yet invigorating it is to struggle against these bonds. It is done." He paused, suddenly growling.

Nanaki was on guard instantly. "Do you hear something?"

"The weakling wishes me to be done with this place now that my task is over. I have not stretched my wings in far too long and I will not be so easily goaded back into submission! If only I could reach through our link and rip him to pieces!"

Groaning, Cid shook his head. "Oh let it go, Valentine, there's nobody in here for him to hurt anyway. If he wants to roam around in this fucking cave that badly let him just do it. For all we know we might need him to break something else anyway."

Chaos visibly relaxed, the internal struggle gone. "He... has agreed," he said with a tinge of surprise. "I will accompany you. When this is finished, though..."

"Yeah yeah whatever, death doom and destruction, would you just hurry the fuck up already? I don't have all goddamn day!" They continued into the cave, noises suddenly coming from the depths. An enormous black dragon uncurled from its slumber, breathing fire at the group as they struggled to get out of the way. Chaos charged forward with a roar, the prospect of a real fight filling him with a rarely felt joy. His unchained willpower drove him onward into the fight, claws tearing and teeth digging into the hard scales. He fought as other creatures came out to investigate, bats flying from crevices, crawling lizards hunting ravenously.

Cid and Nanaki helped fight off the monsters as well, clustering together until the last one fell. They turned, though, when Chaos spun at them, snarling, his eyes glowing red like blood. He had gone out of control, and against him, they knew they wouldn't be able to withstand him. Chaos stumbled suddenly, clutching his skull as he staggered, kneeling as he fought off the force within him. Howling in pain, he tugged at an unseen foe, wrenching against Vincent's willpower. The battle continued for several minutes, neither side showing any sign of caving in until suddenly, with one final roar of defiance, Chaos dissolved away, leaving Vincent behind, extremely weakened.

Shuddering, he curled into a ball, the agony of his battle with Chaos leaving him prone and helpless. I almost lost it. For a moment there, he almost had me. Nanaki came closer, concerned, but he waved them off hastily. "Not... not yet. Not until I know he... won't come out. I'm still fighting him." Now he shoved Chaos as far back into his mind as he could, resisting every last ounce of the demonic power with the sheer force of his will. At long last, Chaos retreated, momentarily pacified. But for how long? How long can I maintain this without him taking over me? How long will it be before he finds a way to control me for good? I have to hurry. There isn't much time.