"It's about a summer love, and how, you kind of hold onto it. Whether you mean to or not..." ~Martin Johnson - Boys Like Girls

The next day was a Thursday; the worst day of the week in my opinion. I really hated them. I mean everyone hates Mondays, but I prefered to just get them over with. Tuesday's were whatever, Wednesday meant the week was half way over, and Thursday was just a taunting of the weekend just a day away.

I woke up late, and then after I was dressed I spilt juice on my shirt and had to go change, and then my hair was sticking…well, you know, when you just have that awful morning when you just want to burrow under the warm blankets? It was just one of those days for me.

Then to make the already bad Thursday worse after I walked into homeroom literally 10 seconds before the bell. Some of the students who had clearly heard about my job of walking Bella home in the room started to laugh.

I sat down in my regular seat as Mr. Lynn shut everyone up to take attendance. Paul was sitting behind me like normal, and I felt him kick my foot that had been resting peacefully on the floor. My eyes narrowed before I turned swiftly back to face him.

"Paul before you even start; don't. I'm having a god-awful already and yesterday Emmett caught me and made me scrub the side of his house, and let me tell you, those eggs of Mitch's? Yeah, after three hours they really stuck to that house and not to mention the smell…" I trailed off and then looked at him, pointedly, my look challenging him to say anything. He nodded and I turned back in my seat.

I wasn't deaf, I could hearing his chuckling, and could see in my mind an image of him about to combust from my little rant. I sulked, not at all pleased that my misery was amusing him.

"…so the point is that you need to think win, win in situations or arguements...everyone can be a winner." Gee. Sorry I missed the rest of that little speech, I thought sarcastically to Mr. Lynn as he read through his notes.

Another reason I hated Thursdays was because that was the day we were expected to participate in team and social skill buildings, cooperation, and all that crap in homeroom. I promise that I learned this stuff when I was seven.

"Now, it says here that to work on social skills the girls are suppose to stand up," all the girls in the room looked up at him and he nodded before they grudgingly got up. I will say it was all of them because I didn't feel like ripping on Jessica. Mr. Lynn continued, "It says I'm supposed to give you these worksheets and girls, you are supposed to pick the male partner to work with you. Guys you can't say no. Be polite."

And that is how my day got so much worse without even beginning.

I slid deeply into my seat as Paul coughed into his sleeve, failing to disguise his laughter, but not in getting Jessica's attention. She looked over at us then nudged Cynthia and they ran, I really mean they sprinted over to where we were. If I was going down, I sure as hell was dragging Paul down with me.

"Hey Cullen," Jessica cooed as she sat down in the desk that was just so handyily next to me, being empty and all. My thoughts were very sarcastic today I noted.

"What do you want Jessica?" It was a stupid question but she was a stupid girl.

"We're going to be partners silly, and remember, Mr. Lynn said you can't say no." Jessica giggled, batting her clumped eyelashes at me and chewing her bubble gum loudly with her red lips smacking.

"Mr. Lynn!" I called, getting his attention along with the rest of the classes. "Can I go like, jump off the roof? Please?" I begged, sending eyes over at Jessica to signal the reason for my wanted pain. She giggled flirtatiously as the room went silent. I looked at her, my head tilted and my face clear. I blinked a few times, how is someone seriously that dumb? I thought with real curiosity.

"Good Lord," Paul muttered from behind me in the silence. It was evident that he did hold a lot of sympathy for me; it was a refreshing change from the usual snide remarks and laughter.

"Better yet, can she just jump off the roof?" I questioned, he sighed and gave me a look. My eyes got larger at his annoyed and exasperated look, I held up my hands in an innocent gesture, as if to say what?

"As long as I can fall with you," she smiled at me like I was her first born child.

My face crumpled in misery as I put my arms on the desk and let my head fall on them with a thud. The rest of the class laughed.

Today was not my day at all.

After I ran out of homeroom, in fear of being chased by Jessica I had to sit and endure history, and Sid. Firstly in that class the teacher gave a surprise test about the pilgrims…if you understood why we were jumping from all these years and random dates then you are smarter then the average high school senior.

After the quiz that I was positive I had failed, we went to learn about the Trojan War. Don't even think about why we did, I've thought about it for many class periods and have come up with nothing. Apparently the war started when one guy, a prince, took this other guy's wife, and he was a king, and then, well they sent a bunch of guys out to kill each other.

If I hadn't been in such a foul mood I might have enjoyed this chapter in the book, wars were something that had interested me, there were so many things about them, it made you want to learn about the captains, the battles, the strategies, and what weapons they used.

I managed to get through my next two classes and lunch without much teasing from the other kids. I didn't know why they weren't all still laughing and pointing and I didn't care, as long as it had stopped. Though I knew it wouldn't have lasted forever, I knew because even if it wasn't something I was proud of people were intimidated by me. And they were probably waiting for my anger explosion.

"Come on, we're going to be late," Martin kicked my leg from under the lunch table. I nodded before unenthusiastically getting out of my chair and roughly grabbing my text books to follow him towards the building where we had psychology.

"So was yesterday really that bad?" Martin asked as we walked slowly outside to the building about ten feet away. I shrugged, running my hand through my hair as we continued to walk, starting our descent up the stairs all the while.

"What did you two talk about?" he asked. Martin was never one to pry, and therefore I wasn't really angry or even annoyed at him for doing so.

"Nothing," I replied honestly.

"Alright," he thought for a second, "what did you and Emmett talk about while you had your male bonding, scrubbing the rotten eggs?" I cracked a smile, and then chuckled. Conversation had not been my priority yesterday if you know what I mean.

"Oh, you know; all the chicks he has banged. We're really close now. He put me in his will also," I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm, but it was bitter, it was playful now. Martin burst out laughing after looking at me for a second.

We continued to walk slowly up the stairs, neither of us particularly excited for class. His chuckling died down and when I looked at him, he seemed to be internally debating something with himself.

"So, are you and your mom doing anything on Saturday?" He asked me cautiously. My steps faltered as I looked at him, he had stopped and was looking at me with regret.

Saturday was my father's 37th birthday.

It was one of the worst days of the year for me and her; it never got easier with each year passing. If anything it got worse, the pain and lose still felt so fresh, like a clean cut, the blooding still pouring freely.

"I know you are already having a bad day, you always have one this time of the year." I looked at him, blinking quickly a few times and then narrowing my eyes a little bit, "but please Edward, don't do anything stupid. Just call me if you need to, I'll go with whatever you do. But please," he stressed again, "don't do it alone."

I knew it was painful for him to say, it looked painful in his eyes. And I nodded slowly. Martin nodded after me and released his breath quietly before motioning for us to continue upstairs.

As I thought back I realized he was right, I always had a bad day when I regret even waking up the week of this anniversary. It just wasn't something I wanted to deal with. And I hoped Martin knew that I would most likely not call him, he was my best friend, but some things, you just can't share with others.

When he said he'd go with whatever I did, it meant that I did have a tendency to do something reckless. It was just to release some of the bottled up pain and feelings. Last year I had gone quarry diving.

Just outside of Cedar Springs was one of the largest quarry parks in the Midwest. There were cliffs so steep everywhere and they all hung over a large deep lake that had been there since the glaciers melted. It was dark and windy, the sun had set and a thunder storm was coming.

I had taken my mom's car and driven out there, hiking for over an hour until I reached the highest peek. I didn't think about it, I just jumped. I hadn't pushed off far enough from the ledge and I was almost killed. There was a ledge at the bottom and with the height and force of my jump if I would have hit it I would have died. And I was only about a foot away from it.

The rain started the second I splashed into the cold, icy waters that had just melted over from the winter. It was so cold that it felt like I had instantly frozen. But all I did was look up at the rain with wonder, it had just happened to start the second I jumped.

Before I could do much I realized that if I didn't get out of the water in about two seconds I could be killed by the harsh rains, the freezing water and the strong current. Luckily I was a strong swimmer and was able to climb on to the ledge that had almost killed me.

I went to where I had left my red flannel blanket and change of black jeans and waited the storm out under a large willow tree. Surprisingly I was able to warm up and not freeze. It was dawn and I had fallen asleep by the time the storm passed. I hiked back to where my mom's car had been parked and drove back so she wouldn't worry when she saw it wasn't there.

The only person I had told that to was Martin and he frowned deeply when I described the rush of adrenaline and the feeling of the wind whipping past your face. He told me I could have killed myself, and that was all. Of course later we laughed about it and he told me we had to go, we made plans but they fell through.

Admittedly throughout my next few classes until the end of the day I was planning something. I wasn't going to call Martin or anyone else, but I was considering my safety this time, I still had my whole life to live in front of me. And I was also thinking about my mom, that day would be the worst day of the year for me to injure myself or worse.

As soon as the bell rang I slipped out of math as quickly as possible and walked in a rush to my locker, the kids moving out of my way, and the freshman especially darting.

When I reached my locker I groaned loudly. James Goldman was crumpling some paper up and shoving it in there while digging intensely for something.

"Ah, Cullen, my man!" He explained, clamping me on the back as a greeting, I shoved his hand off my shoulder. James was one of those guys who thought he was popular; he slicked his greasy blonde hair back with globs of gel and wore the same leather jacket everyday. I swear most times of the day he seemed drunk, but no, he was sober. I'm not saying that he hadn't gotten busted for drinking more than once though…

"What's this I hear about you going soft? I mean, come on, work with me here, Bella Swan?" He ignored my obvious body language, and annoyed scowl and continued on like we were old comrades.

Which we were most certainly not.

"I was a little surprised the guys even let you sit with them today at the table. I mean if I were them I would have kicked you out. Your reputation is gone now, you big softie." I growled lowly, my horrible day starts with Jessica and ends with James, this is just fantastic. He was leaning against his locker casually his arms crossed cockily over his chest.

"Hey," he defended, holding his hands out in defense and shaking them, "I get your pain, I really do. And hopefully you'll be lucky and Sid will let you sit next to him at lunch." And with that he walked off like a disgusting duck, quacking with laughter. I made the duck comparison because he really sounded like one most of the time.

I brooded off to the library, not having to push through the students because, well, there was like six still left in the school. People really did clear out fast, now more then usually because of the nicer spring weather that we hadn't seen, now coming back.

Bella was at the same table that I had found her at yesterday, the boring oak one with simple wooden chairs on the edge of it. I waited impatiently at the doorway until she looked up at me and smiled. It slowly faded a bit as she saw I was very angry, James had been trying to provoke me and it had worked, just like he wanted it to. I hated that guy almost as much as Jessica.

Hurrying Bella put her books into her knapsack. Today she was wearing a white blouse and flowing white poodle skirt type of thing…? I wasn't sure. She shrugged on her jean jacket before wheeling over to me, she didn't stop but instead she just went past. I sighed angrily and followed her, frowning like a scolded child.

When we got outside I grabbed her handles and she dropped her hands from the wheels. Luckily there wasn't a group of them hanging around the tree like yesterday. James words just kept running through my head, along with his stupid laugh that I just couldn't shake off, as much as I desperately needed to.

We had only made it a few minutes into the walk or whatever you want to call it and I was thanking God that Bella had decided not to start conversation today. I knew my tolerance level was at an extreme low today from all of the garbage that I've had thrown at me, figuratively of course.

But no, Bella Swan was not one to be quiet. Ever.

"So did you have a good day?" It wasn't her fault, really I didn't blame her. I had grown used to her genuine friendliness over the years, but she was just the person who I had to release my frustration and anger on over the day.

My temper was another thing that I was not entirely proud of, and I was not happy about the fact that I snapped at Bella. Really I wasn't but she was, like I said, the person who got the short stick in this case.

"No, thank you I had an awful day. I got a lot crap all through the day from everyone who I walked by. Let's see, I failed a social test and got assigned about a 100 problems in math. James Goldman pounced on me at my locker. Jessica hung all over me in homeroom. And everyone was pointing at me, thinking that I couldn't hear them, while laughing and whispering! It was ridiculous and they were laughing at me because of you! Do you know what that's like?" I exploded at her. I had stopped walking and she was facing me, her face listening to mine, understanding until the last part.

"Yes Edward," I was taken aback by my first name softly coming off of her lips, softly and full of perspective, "I do know what that's like most days." She looked down and then turned her body facing forward, sitting up straightly and bringing her hand up to her face.

As soon as she said this I felt instantly guilty and was about to apologize but I was at a lose of words. In truth, I had no idea how I was suppose to say sorry for something that I had just slipped out without taking into consideration the person I was talking to. So instead I just sighed quietly the anger from before vanished as I continued to walk. We didn't speak anymore.

Friday was very much the same.

Woke up; tried to go back to bed. Was really woken up by the old lady we lived by as she screeched at her cat (good morning to you too Ms. Ruhland) I wasn't sure if it was her live cat or the one that got hit by a truck two months ago. Finally got to school; ignored Jessica. Endured Sid. Learned what I already knew, I failed my social test. Went to the rest of my classes. Restrained myself from beating James with his cocky smirk. And then walked Bella home in utter silence; which I was guilty for.

Ah. Friday's; how I love to hate you, I thought bitterly as I fell asleep that night.

When I woke up the sun was streaming in through the window. It was a normal day to everyone else. It didn't take me a long time to remember what today was. I shrank back into my bed when I did though.

Listening quietly I could hear light footsteps padding up and coming closer to my room. My mom peaked quietly in. She was tired and her hair was pulled into a pony tail resting of her neck, something she rarely, ever did. I could tell she had been crying already.

"I'm going right now. Do you want to go with me?" She asked quietly. I closed my eyes for a second. I knew she meant she was going to the grave, but I didn't think I could go with her. The last time we were together at his grave was his funeral, she always asked me to go with her. But I always gave her the same answer.

"You go ahead, I'll go later." Mom nodded before slipping out the door and going down the stairs much quicker than she came. She was in a hurry to go see Dad.

Esme, or mom, lingered at the cemetery for a couple hours. After I had gotten up for the day I dug in my closest for the box of things I had of Carlisle's. The man I called Dad.

Some said we needed to move on, the grief period was over and it was time to let go and go on with life. We had been going on with life, but the gried period would never be over. When you lose someone...it was nearly impossible to explain. People will die and others will grieve for them and eventually move on. But it was not possible when the person you lost was the best man in the world, one who had so much to give life and did some many things for some many people. I would never move on, and neither would my mother.

Most people have dealt with grief from death at one point in their life; a friend, parent, sibling or cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were only a few who haven't dealt with that feeling of loss. Hearing that they were gone, feeling that shock when it finally set in that you were never going to see them again.

In some ways my thoughts still hadn't fully wrapped around it, and my belief in God was not that strong. I was Catholic yeah, but not devout, after dad died I left most of the church behind. I hoped I would see him again in another life, possible Heaven. But that nagging yet soft question was always echoing in my head, what if you don't?

In truth Emmett scared me physically, but no pain to your body can compare to the pain and hurt of losing someone you love. You shed so many tears over them, and when you think about them you know they want you to remember them with smiles and not tears, but you can never stop the hurt.

My thoughts were of him most of the day, I ate his favorite meal; moms grilled chicken with sour kraut. It sounded disgusting and it was until I realized it was a way to hang onto him. It's another thing people do when they lose someone; cling to anything that ties them to the person.

Late in the afternoon I decided I had to go now. I silently walked downstairs and took mom's car key, she nodded at me. She was perched on the sofa, photo albums and journals around her. The two of us never spoke today. It was so intensely private even though we shared close bonds.

The drive for me was silent. I had rolled down the windows, just to feel the wind on my face. When I pulled into the cemetery just on the edge of town, where most of the city was buried once they died. There were no cars where we were supposed to park and so I was happy.

It was nearing dusk. The sun was lowering slowly over the horizon. There was a couple of trees planted here and here, surrounded by the headstones. I walked to the big willow tree. The cemetery never let it overgrow but it was very private because we had buried him there with reason. The cemetery wasn't allowing anyone else under it.

It was like a wall of leaves that ended about two and a half feet above the ground. The grass was cut freshly and there stood a black grainite stone. Standing prominantly.

Carlisle Cullen
1923-1954
Lover of life, medicine, laughter and happiness.
Beloved father, husband, uncle and friend.

I knelt down, the glows of the setting sun flowing in some cracks through the privacy of the leaves. They casted lines the shape of the leaves on the stone.

My throat closed up as I talked to him. I always pushed the thought that he was mere feet under my body. He was right there, so close but millions of light years away. It was a hard concept, much like many other things to grasp. And so I didn't try.

"I still miss you dad. But life's cruel. I know I need to grow up and be the man you want. But I just don't see that happening," I laughed bitterly with no humor as I dropped the tiger lily that I had cut from mom's garden onto the grass by the stone.

"What's done has been done. But I'll never forget the man you were," I said in parting with the space as I rocked on my heels and stood up. The sun had mostly set now. It always felt wrong to leave him there, but I did it again. I walked off with the last little amounts of light, not looking to the willow tree and holding in my tears.

Once I was in my car I just sat there as dark engulfed me. The shallow sound of my breathing was the only thing to be heard. It grew more and more labored until I was gripping the steering wheel. I banged it sharply, missing the horn.

"Life isn't fair." I mumbled loudly harshly, closing my eyes and running one hand through my hair. Before I knew where I was going I was driving out farther away from the town. It wasn't too far actually because most of the road was a circle. I stopped when I pulled into the old abandoned barn.

No one had lived in it for as long as I could remember. There was a little old country house, built probably during World War I. Then there was a barn and all the other abandoned things that a place like this would have. I of course was in the dark and couldn't see much.

I got out of the car and walked in the direction of the old shed. The wood had seen a lot of damage and there was no door on its hinges. Only a few scrapes of white paint still remained on the worn gray wooding.

There was nothing inside, I could tell from a glance. There was nothing but hay. I walked numbly towards it. I wasn't doing anything life threatening just like I had promised Martin. I somehow felt compelled to do this though. Not to prove anything but just because it was pulling me towards it.

I felt the match in my pocket. I took it out, my eyes already having adjusted to the lack of light. Without much thought I struck it against the rough surface and a flame popped up, eating the thin amount of wood greedily. I tossed it on the floor of the shed through the open door and in seconds it was sucking in the dry hay on the floor.

Taking a few steps back I watched silently as the light grew and the flames slowly started to spread. I shoved my hands into my pocket, before glancing up at the sky. Maybe Dad was looking down now, seeing a light and then seeing me next to it. He wouldn't be happy, I thought grimly, but then again, there probably was nothing up there.

The woods started to pop as sparks flew up from the inside. A wall of bright orange and yellow waves climbed around the inside of the shed, hungrily consuming more and more. I knew my thinking was unjustified and my sanity was a little too far gone but I was mad that this shed had still been here, unused and forgotten while my father was gone, off the face of the Earth still missed and thought of.

It seemed crazy to me now, but I couldn't help my anger that was so bottled up. The anger of growing up alone, the anger of turning to smoking, the anger of not being a good kid. All these things that I have done seemed so easy to place blame on for like everyone else did; he didn't have a father, and he can be a little rebellious.

I hated it. I hated that I wasn't someone that either of my parents were proud of. I had done a lot of things in the past years. Things that I didn't want to face. I wish I could erase myself, and let go of all the stuff, thoughts, and things I had said or done. But I wasn't planning on forgiving myself too soon. Because I didn't deserve forgiveness.

The angrier I got, the more pain I felt started to consume me much like the flames devouring the old wood. The entire inside was now filled to the top with fire and the light and the heat was extreme. But I didn't move. I just stood there, tears running slowly down my face. I made no move to stop them.

I knew the source of my anger. And that source had made me what I was today, that one vile thing, spiraled my life downward.

I continued to watch before I heard a noise over the fire. I turned slowly to my right, to numb to care who it was. It was Martin; he had on his red flannel shirt and tight black jeans. He was wearing his glasses, walking slowly towards me with his hands in his pocket like my own.

Martin didn't say anything as he looked at me and I looked at him. My face was red from the heat of the fire and the trails of my tears had started to dry, most likely leaving stains.

Cautiously he continued to step towards me until he was only a yard away. I sighed; my breath got caught in my throat, causing me to frown deeply as the tears started again. I was embarrassed that he had found me crying, but if I had been blushing he wouldn't have seen.

Closing the distance he held his hand out to me and I took it. Martin pulled me in and wrapped his other arm around my back as I wrapped my arm around his back. He didn't say anything and didn't move as a pathetic sob ripped fiercely through my body. He supported me tightly with his hand as I held onto his back.

Martin was a friend that no one has now a days. The one who will stand by you and let you to lean on them when needed and you aren't embarrassed because you know you can trust them with anything. The ones who didn't think helping a friend made them uncomfortable. Those friends were so rare to have, and I had never been more thankful for him in my life.

We stood their, him silent and unmoving but comforting me while I cried as the old shed burnt down to ashes. The light gone.

Chapter song: What I've Done by Linkin Park

Sidenote: Kay, so what it's cliche sue me. But this song fit perfectlyish and just because all of the rest of fanfiction, quite literally abuses this song and makes tons of crap stories focused on it, doesn't mean I can't use it.

AN: I now have chapter songs...I updated the first three chapters so they have ones too
I will put a playlist on my website 2carm2carm2 . weebly . com (no www)
Check out my poll and let me know, will yah?

And lastly, it's my birthday today (wooh!), so send me some love?
Let me know your all out there? Kay? Maybe...? Thinking about it?
Well the button is just a click away (:

~Carmen