It was getting harder for Shawn. If he'd thought the distance that had been building over four years would disappear, he was mistaken. Everyday Gus would come home; they'd have dinner and maybe watch some TV before Gus would retire to his room and Shawn reluctantly to his. Watching that door close every night had begun to make his stomach turn. He had to find a way to make it through that doorway.

That determination was keeping him up this Tuesday night. He could vaguely hear the sounds of Gus ambling around his room and if he tried, he could picture what he was doing. He was probably picking out his clothes for tomorrow and packing his briefcase as well.

Despite Shawn's insistence that the jobs were just for cover and he had more than enough money for Gus to forgo work for the rest of his life, Gus insisted on 'earning his keep'. He gave Shawn money for rent and groceries under the notion Shawn had been spending it. It had been two months and Shawn had been slowly leaking it back into Gus' savings account behind his back.

He wished he had to courage to just get up and go to Gus' room. Push Gus against a wall, tell him he was being stupid and press his lips to Gus'. He'd been so close to doing it a few nights but he was stalled by the thought of Gus ever finding out the things he'd done. The image was enough to make Shawn reconsider ever going near Gus again. After what he'd done, all the things Gus and even Joss don't know about, how could Gus stand to be around him at all.

Shawn sighed to himself and rolled over to face the wall separating him from Gus' nightly routine. He closed his eyes and willed them to stay shut to accomplish at least an hour of sleep. He dreamt that Gus and Joss were hanging off a cliff by a hand and he could only save one of them. He was standing in the suit and tie he'd burned on his way to Gus'. He dropped his gaze to his bloodied hands and heard himself gasp. After a moment of stunned inaction, he stepped forward to the cliff. He extended his hand to Gus and watched at the older man shook his head and let go, disappearing into the dark.

It was becoming a normal sight: Gus Erickson coming home from a day at work to meet his "roommate" Shawn Duquette at home. He'd park the modest SUV in the driveway, exit with his briefcase and open the door, mail in hand. The neighbors had titled them the "sweet interracial, gay couple down the street". They had taken to inviting them to brunches and neighborhood functions and once or twice, Shawn and Gus had invited people to their house.

It was all painfully domestic. Or at least Gus thought so. He had no idea that underneath Shawn's insistence that he'd never wanted the white picket fence and 2.4 kids, he would settle so rightfully and swiftly into the life. Well half of it anyway. On the weekends, he took Gus to target practice. He also added onto the saferoom and quizzed Gus daily on the precautionary phrases. Joss came to visit a couple of times a month to help. Gus was getting better and more suspicious as two months passed. And Shawn had been getting away with his secrets and stories of the "horrible thing he had done". He had, he told himself, until that day.

He left the house for what had to be the fourth time that entire month, with the exception of taking Gus to target practice. He had taken to reviving the bike he'd left at Henry's all those years ago. The plates had been changed and the title had been forged. Just a few more felonies to add to his trophy case.

He'd had to grab a few more parts for the saferoom and had been on his way back when he saw it. The speeding ambulance, headed down the street passing the stubborn lines of traffic. And in that instant, in that brief moment, the sound washed over him louder than anything he'd ever heard, louder than multiple gunshots, louder than Joss screaming through choked cries of a lost child, louder than Gus' parting "fuck you" all those years ago. And his heart, for the first time in so long, since he'd become Mr. Domestic, raced and threatened to burst through his chest. It beat so intensely, Shawn thought that any longer, he would choke on it the way he had when he'd broken it, or rather let Gus break it.

He felt himself speed through the traffic light after the ambulance, ignoring the fact that following an ambulance wasn't exactly blending in with his surroundings. He told himself that he didn't care if he broke his nice, secure and boring cover. He didn't care if he got himself caught by the "good guys" or the "bad guys". He didn't care if he died as long as Gus was okay. As long as he wasn't dead because Shawn had gotten greedy and selfish. That whatever happened, it wasn't Shawn's fault.

And he got about three streets away when he realized he'd followed the racing vehicle past the turnoff to Green Haven. Shawn raced home still, faster even; he pushed the bike to the highest speeds it would go. He needed to see Gus with his own eyes to truly breathe easy again. He drove up the driveway, practically leapt from his bike and ran to the front door. He didn't have to pull out his keys because Gus was already there opening the door.

"Hey, I heard the bike. You're home early-" Gus started, noting the panicked expression on Shawn's face. "Are you okay?"

Shawn shook his head, taking in as much of Gus as he could. He was vaguely aware that he was panting as he reached up and felt the steady beat of his pulse beneath his chin. Shawn pulled Gus tightly to his body and before he could control what he was doing, he pressed his lips hard against Gus' mouth. He took advantage of Gus' shock and used his tongue to sweep Gus' mouth, his hand coming up to hold Gus' cheek. He pushed deeper still until Gus had no choice but to hold them up or fall. He heard his rushing, harsh breaths in his ears and he knew the tears blending into their kiss weren't Gus'.

His unbalanced weight against Gus started to shift and Gus leaned back into the wall behind them, finally opening his mouth to Shawn's. It was nothing like before for so many reasons. Shawn hadn't known what it was like to have the blood of a friend running thick and heavy between his fingers, or the shear terror of loving someone so much that he'd kill an innocent man in cold blood. He hadn't known then just how much it hurt physically and mentally to kiss someone with more feeling than he'd felt in those three frigid years. He gave everything he had and Gus met him halfway. Gus melted the ice he'd kept for so long.

When Shawn pulled back, breath returning, he spoke. "There was this- this ambulance and I thought you… I had no idea." He met Gus' eyes and promptly snapped his mouth shut at the anger he saw there.

Gus gently detached himself from Shawn and firmly pulled him to the couch. He sat down, eyes firmly on Shawn's as if he could read him. As if he would be able to tell whether or not Shawn was telling the truth. Which was a lie; he couldn't and Shawn hoped to God he never would. More powerful men have tried.

"I've been quiet and I haven't pried. Yeah, I went through your stuff, your bags and all the files that weren't encrypted on your laptop but I haven't found anything and I still have no idea what or who you're scared of. Or just why you needed me to come with you. I know it's something big. I've been praying it wasn't something illegal." He finished with a stern look on his face.

Shawn gauged just how much he could get away with. He decided on yet another lie. "I told you, I just wanted-"

Gus shook his head and turned to watch his reflection in the television set. "Bullshit. You brought me along because you're never going back. Because you can't or you won't. I just haven't figured out which. And you took me because you're selfish; you always have been."

Shawn made a small sound of appraisal, surprised Gus was so observational. "You're right, I'm selfish. And I can't go back to Santa Barbara. I won't tell you everything; that's a part of my life I don't ever want to go back to. I did something I don't even have words for." He swallowed and chanced a glance at Gus and saw no emotion there other than expectation. "I was working for some people with a lot of money and power. They hired me to do a job. It wasn't the first time they'd asked but up until then, I'd always declined. They just weren't the kind of people you see more than once if you know what I mean. Long story, short: I screwed up and got greedy. I screwed up big and it cost someone's life. But, Gus, you gotta understand… what they asked of me…" He stopped, taking a deep breath as images flooded his mind. "I just couldn't do it. I let them think I was going to go through with it, they put me on a plane and I ran. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I set up this house, these covers, this life- I became another person.

"I didn't tell anyone. Well I told Joss but I can trust her. She still resents me for doing what she couldn't. She lost her daughter, her little girl. Carly was about eight and Joss had been gone for a while, securing a job in Finland. They picked her up from school, in her mother's car. They knew all the safe words and just what to say when Carly started to cry. Joss came home to find her dead in her bedroom, face down on the carpet. She tried to run and like cowards, they shot her in the back. I was the first person she called and I had to call the coroner and get Joss out of there. She almost scratched my skin off but if I hadn't, she would've sat there holding her for hours. It was about three months before she'd say more than three words to anyone."

Gus absently grasped Shawn's hand and traced little spirals in the center of his palm with his thumb. "It was selfish to drag you here with me and it was stupid to think you wouldn't ask questions, but I just couldn't, okay? I didn't want to come home to visit Henry one day and find out they'd gotten to you. And they'd know. They'd know to use you to get to me." He shook his head, seeing it in his mind. "It was- it was worse than anything I'd ever seen. It was worse than when Andy fucked up and they split him straight down the middle."

Shawn watched Gus for any sign of a reaction like fear or regret for agreeing to stay. Gus was quiet for a while before he asked the question he'd pondered since they'd come. "Shawn, how big is this?"

"Big?"

"Like will those people look for you in California and stop? Or will they chase you to the ends of the earth if they have to?" Gus elaborated, keeping his tone steady and even.

Shawn sighed and decided to tell the truth again. "If they get their way and they live long enough to spite me, they will chase me to and through the gates of hell if they have to."