Disconnect

Four

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As the reapers lay waste to the galaxy, Commander Shepard rushes to rescue his sister from war-torn Earth. But is there a place on the Normandy for a civilian, and does she even want one at all? AU Shepard/Garrus.

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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belong to Bioware.

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It wasn't her first mission out, but Jane was still antsy. Every time felt like the first time.

She wasn't sure what they were after this time—some important artifact to help with the Crucible. She wasn't here for that. She was here to watch her brother's back. So she kept her eyes scanning the buildings around them, looking for movement in the alleys and doorways. Anything could be hiding, waiting to ambush them.

As she always did, she admired the way John and Garrus worked together seamlessly. They almost appeared to read each others' minds on the battlefield. They were so skilled, the two of them, and she'd been given many chances to admire that skill, since her brother always insisted on Garrus being the third when she was invited on missions. "Because he trained you," John would say. Jane didn't mind. She always felt a little better knowing Garrus was there fighting alongside her brother. She was continually impressed with what the turian could do.

"The library is up ahead," her brother said in clipped tones. "The artifact we're looking for is in there." Jane scolded herself internally for her moment of distraction, and then she followed along behind her brother, keeping pace with Garrus beside her.

Just as she was scanning the buildings around them, something came barreling out of the darkness, moving straight for her brother. "John!" she cried. She raised her rifle, but the husk was already on top of him. After a terrifying moment, he threw the husk off, and a shot from Garrus's rifle dropped the creature.

Then the floodgates opened. They came from all sides, slipping out of the darkened doors and windows of the surrounding buildings. Breathy groans echoed around them. She shot and stabbed as the bodies piled up, fighting until there was nothing left to fight. Her heart raced as she looked around, waiting for the next attack.

One, half-dead at her feet, reached up to grab at her ankle. She stomped it, again and again until there was nothing recognizable left. She startled when a hand touched her arm. "Jane," her brother said softly, as she turned her wild eyes upon him.

She nodded at him, swallowing back her adrenaline and fear. And something else. Something—primal.

They fought again before they got off-world, but Jane kept her distance. She wouldn't lose control again. She couldn't.

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Jane paced her room, thoughts racing through her head. Something had happened to her down there. She'd lost control. She'd unleashed something inside her. And she'd liked it.

The pop of gunfire. The crack of the husk's skull as she crushed it under her boot.

Jane shuddered, feeling a wave of nausea. She had enjoyed it. Wanted more.

Who was she? What had she become?

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She stayed inside her room. Skipping meals. Skipping lessons with the crew. Skipping training with Garrus. She didn't want to see them. Couldn't face them now.

She'd always abhorred violence. What to do now that she found this violence inside herself?

Maybe when she figured it out, she could face the crew. But not until then.

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"Have you seen Jane lately?" Shepard asked, worried.

Garrus let out a low hum. "She skipped training with me. She's never missed it before."

"She didn't teach her class, either," John replied. "I haven't seen her since the last mission she went out on."

Garrus cast his mind back to the mission, to the wild look in Jane's eyes and the caution afterwards. "I think I know what's wrong," he said, and took off for her room.

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Jane looked up at a knock on the door and sighed. It's not like she could pretend she wasn't home, like she used to do for unwanted visitors back on Earth. "Come in," she called.

Garrus strode in, and Jane immediately ran her fingers through her hair. She didn't want him to see her like this, but there was nothing for it now.

"You didn't come to train," he said simply, his face a blank mask.

"I don't think I'll be doing that anymore," Jane said carefully. "This fighting thing isn't for me."

His mandibles tightened, just slightly. "What happened to wanting to contribute? You don't want that anymore?"

"I'll find another way," she said, damning the waver in her voice.

"Funny," he said shortly. "Up until a few days ago, I was sure you wanted to contribute this way. Or did I waste my time training you?"

Her eyes blazed suddenly. "I don't want this life!" she cried. "I never wanted it."

"Too bad," Garrus said sharply, stepping forward to tower over her. "This is what you've been given. What are you going to do with it?"

"Who says I have to do anything?" she said, throwing up her hands. "I'll give the crew my lessons. Help around the ship. When this is over, I'll go back to teaching on Earth. That's all. There's no reason for me to fight."

Garrus stepped back, softening his expression. "Not unless you want to. But somehow, I don't think that's the case here."

Jane turned away to hide her expression. Her entire body tightened and she shuddered as the words poured out of her. "I liked the violence. I wanted it. I lost control. I don't know who I was. Who I am!" She turned back, eyes glassy and voice shaking. "I can't let it happen again. I can't!"

Garrus cocked his head to the side. "All of us get that sometimes. The adrenaline… it takes over. It doesn't make you different. Or make you less."

Jane shook her head, arms wrapped tight around her. "I feel like less. I go to school every day and teach my kids that violence isn't the answer. I keep telling them there's always a better way. And as soon as you throw me out there into the war? I'm curb stomping husks." She laughed bitterly.

"Sometimes you aren't given a choice. Sometime violence has to be answered with violence," Garrus said. "It doesn't mean you have to tell them that. And you can't blame yourself for letting your emotions get the better of you once in a while. You're only human after all."

She smiled up at him wryly. "Only human, huh? What does that make you?"

He grinned down at her. "The superior race, obviously."

She snorted, giving him a gentle shove. "I'll show you superior."

"You do," he said, suddenly serious. "All the time."

Jane blushed, looking at her feet. How could he think so highly of her after what she had done out there?

"No one is going to force you to fight," Garrus said gently. "But I think you should consider it. And you should definitely come back to our training sessions."

Jane raised a brow. "Need to keep me in practice defending myself?" she asked cheekily.

"Well, that… and I miss you." Before Jane could think of a response, Garrus was gone.

She watched the door close behind him, and for the first time in more than a day, she felt like she might be strong enough to follow him out that door.

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