Heya guys. This is just some sad idea I had in my head for some reason.

I hate disclaimer, coz I obviously own nothing.

CHAPTER 4

I am ashamed, Castiel is sitting there in the middle of my floor, crying, and all I can fee is shame and disgust. At myself. What have I done. I have created this, and havent even tried to help him. That change now.

I quickly run back to the bed and sit beside Castiel, and I want to touch him, to soothe him, but I dont know if he wants me too.

"Cas, " I began, "Cas, im here"

"Why?" He cries, "Why would you stay?" I dont know how to answer

"Why wouldn't i?"

"Im useless" he chokes out

"What?" I say completely shocked, anger seeping into my voice

"Im sorry" He says quickly, and I flinch, I caused that too

"Dont be sorry, your not useless, how could you say that"

"Because, its what I am, ive always been useless," he cries and rants on. I listen, "I cant be used for anything, im a sacrifice, im made to be killed, to be used, thats my purpose. No, its not. I dont even have a purpose."

"What are you talking about? Of course you have purpose, and is not to be cannon fodder"
"No, I dont Dean. How can you even stand to look at me? Im disgusting. Everyone has a purpose, everyone in Heaven has a purpose, Angel of Light, Angel of Death, do you know what I am? Nothing. I dont have a title, I am the only angel in existence that doesn't have a title, I am the only Angel that is nothing. The only thing I know is being used."

"You cant believe that!" Tears are pouring down my face, why, what has happened to Castiel to make him like this, "How can you even think that?"

"Because, its what ive always been told, im nothing, not to anyone, im sorry"

"Stop saying your sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for"

"Im sorry, you can leave, I understand, im not needed im too weak. I have resigned myself to death, you can live on again, you and Sam, you can be happy, like you were before me, before I ruined another life"

"Cas, you didn't ruin my life, you brought me back, you pulled me out of Hell!" I am trying my hardest to save him enough to stop his suicide mission, to stop him long enough to talk sense into him, "Do not kill yourself"

"If that is what you wish, you can kill me yourself" What? He thinks that I actually want to kill him. Oh God, what has happened to him. He hasn't even looked up at me yet.

"No, okay, no taking my orders, and no dying, and no torture," I add on before he can think that I would do that to him, "Im gonna keep you alive dammit, I am going to fix you"

"Why, so it will be better when I break again" He hasn't moved yet, and he is babbling on about this shit!

"Cas! I would never do that to you!"

"Thats what Michael said.." He trails off sobbing harder

"Cas, look at me"

"Why? Why would you want to look at something so disgusting?"

"You are not disgusting, you are beautiful, now look at me dammit"

"You wont even touch me, why should I believe your not like everyone else, how can I tell, that when I look up I wont see the same sadistic grin that my brothers and sisters have worn, when they finally have me believing I can trust them and then they break me down again, I dont have many pieces left Dean, and if you cant even touch me, how am I supposed to believe that you will fix me?" I didn't realise he wanted the contact, I thought he would have hated it, I didn't realise how broken he was either. I reach forward and carefully put my hand onto his arm. "See?" he asks, "You cant even touch me properly. Im disgusting, pathetic, I would rather die than have you break me again, I would rather be in Lucifers hands." I grip his arm tightly, and while its exactly what he wanted, I can tell he is scared, scared that I will harm him, and he shies away. I move my other hand to the side of his face and use it to pull his head and eyes upwards. He refuses to look at me.

"Look at me Cas, your not pathetic, or disgusting, dont say shit like that" His eyes pull up towards mine, and I can see the flare of hope, but mostly, it is shrouded and drowned by darker emotions. He looks away quickly, as if the quick glance was enough of a reason for me to strike out at him. What had he lived through.

"Please, Dean, im sorry, and I cant take anymore, please dont hurt me"

"Castiel, I promise you, on my life, on the life of everyone else, on SAMS life, that I will. Not. Harm. You"

"If thats true, why do I feel so alone, why do I always feel alone If you care so much, why dont you show it?"

"Cas?" I prompt, my tone hard and stern, I can see how this effects Cas, how Cas thinks that maybe he went too far, and his head is bowed again. "Cas? Can I touch your wings?" I ask this of him because I need his trust, but I know it will be hard to earn, hell, maybe I already had, before I had asked to see him like this. He nods and sobs louder, but spreads his wing wide and reaches them forward, and as soon as they brush my skin, its good enough. I reach forward and plonk myself onto the floor in front of him. I can see and feel the fear in him, and I hold him close, wrapping my arms around him to create a cacoon, though not too tight, I dont want to press on his wounds. I can tell he is reluctant to believe in me, he has been let down too many times I can tell, but he wants hope, he wants faith.

"I know its not much Cas, but you can always have faith in me, you can always trust me, I trust you with my life, and I want you to have faith like you did when I first met you"

"Dean," he whispers quietly, wrapping his arms around me, "I have never had faith." And this breaks my heart, because he is an angel, and he should have faith although, I cant blame him, if my father let my brothers and sisters torture me, I would find myself with a distinct lack of faith too.

I hear knocking on the door, and Castiel tenses.

"Please Dean, no more" he cries, burying hi face into my neck, squirming into further, trying to hide himself inside me, and I know what that means, it means everything, but right now, no more people, he doesn't want anyone to see him like this, and i'll be damned if anyone else does. Sams muffled voice floats through the door, and while im aware that this will scare Castiel, I cant help the low growl that escapes through my mouth.

"Fuck of Sam." I call out, and there is venom in my voice, and I can feel his doubt as his arms begin to retreat. "Cas, its ok"

"Nothings ever been ok, Dean" He calls back and his arms wrap around me again. This is an improvement.

"Cas, im gunna get up and get us a wash cloth to clean you up, alright?" and I can tell he is reluctant to let me go, like I might run away. I realise, I really am all he has left. His arms only tighten around me. "Alright then, stand with me, were gonna go into the bathroom, alright?"

"Why?" He asks, and maybe he has a point, getting further away from others probably isnt the safest idea for him, although, it seems like he thinks no-one will save him anyway.

"Im gonna sit you down and wash all this off you, we'll get you warm and clean alright?" I stop myself from saying 'ok' for him.

"Alright" he says and tries to stand. I have to catch him because, as I notice to my horror, his ankle is sawn through to the bone most of the way around. I dont want to know about the rest of the wounds, I wonder how I will fix him up.