Chapter 4: Purity

I felt empty.

Not the kind you feel when you haven't had a meal for a week. I've felt that. Plenty of times. This was a different kind of empty. Like it was my soul that was starving.

I dragged my feet across the street, hiding my face from everybody that passed by.

I didn't want them to see me. I felt like everyone knew the results. That everyone knew my humiliation.

I mean, it was displayed on a board for all to see. Everyone was probably murmuring about how Hisagi Shuuhei failed the exam and how they pitied him.

My heart grew heavier. I no longer had the strength in me to keep moving on. It was like I was carrying a mountain. A mountain of humiliation and shame.

The clouds started to collide into one another above me, taking on a worried gray tinge. A rumbling sounded through the wide streets, as if the clouds were grumbling at each other for bumping into them. Even though I was feeling as gloomy as the sky, I sure as hell didn't want to be soaked by the incoming downpour.

I managed to spot an awning just as a drop hit my cheek. My weighty heart made it difficult to reach the awning in time. When I reached the shelter, my hair was sticking uncomfortably to my face and it felt like I was wearing nothing. Perfect.

I shivered as a gust of wind blew. I curled up at the steps of the building and my senses were suddenly attacked by the delicious smells of food.

My mouth watered. By some stroke of luck, I had chosen to sit outside a noodle shop.

My stomach twisted as I heard people laughing inside, slurping loudly at their bowls and lips smacking as audibly as the raindrops pattering on the roads. Someone had even lit a fire inside and I could practically feel the edge of its heat warming my back. I shuddered.

I longed to go back to the rented room. But I had a feeling Kazuki had probably left and I didn't have enough money to rent it again. Or worse, he would still be there.

Kami, help me.

My hand unconsciously reached into my obi, my fingertips tingling as I touched the haori cloth there. I couldn't resist pulling it out to marvel at its whiteness. There must be some kind of spell on it. Nothing could stay so white for so long. And this fact alone was enough proof that it could be no ordinary cloth I had found.

I began to stroke it, smoothing out the creases as I sat it on one wet knee, all past desire for food and warmth gone as I watched the cloth, transfixed.

I began to imagine it being bigger, wider, and more evenly shaped. Like a real haori robe. And wrapping the shoulders of a broad man with lovely silver hair…

'Hey!'

A sharp voice. With an anxious edge to it. I turned around and my jaw dropped.

Was that…silver hair?

'Excuse me, but I have to ask you to leave,' the silver-haired figure spoke again but meekly this time. I frowned. It didn't sound like him. In fact, it sounded more like a woman. 'You are actually disturbing the customers.'

It was a woman. Actually, she looked younger. And incredibly boney. No wonder I mistook her for a man at first. She was probably a server at the shop.

Somehow, I was disappointed. But I had been hoping for something incredibly stupid. Honestly, outside some random Rukongai noodle shop? Kami, I could laugh at myself sometimes.

'Oh,' I only mumbled. I didn't have the energy in me to argue. Let those idiots scarf their food down like animals. They were disturbing me.

I got up.

'Kami, you're soaked!' she noted in dismay, her eyes widening as she took me in.

As if on cue, my body shivered. Now she gave me a pitying look. It pissed me. I didn't need any pity.

Then she took my hand and to my surprise, began to lead me inside.

'You poor thing,' she tutted, 'you can't go out while it's pouring out there!'

But her words were lost on me. I was suddenly engulfed in the warmth I had been envying only a few minutes ago. I basked in it, my entire body instantly overflowing with heat and delight for some form of comfort. I didn't even bother looking at the annoyed customers as we glided by. I just hoped I splashed water on them as I walked by.

She led me to a back room cut off from the rest by a curtain. I choked. It was the kitchen. And it was simply overflowing with the most amazing scents you could ever imagine. I thought I was in heaven.

'Keep moving,' she muttered, nudging the small of back to make me walk past pots and pots of soups, udon, soba and, fuck, was that yakitori?

Before I could even be tempted to just steal one, the girl had shoved me out into the back of the shop. Sheltered by another awning, thankfully.

She guided me up some stairs to a little door which she opened with a key tucked in her obi. The room was tiny. Actually, you could hardly call it a room. It looked like a linen cupboard. Was this her room?

She began to shift through some folded robes next to the door before throwing a simple, faded brown one in my direction.

'Change,' she instructed, 'before you catch a cold. I'll be right back.'

She bustled out of the room, leaving me alone. I stared at the closed door, listening to my breath and the water dripping from my hair. I clenched the robe tightly before tossing it to one side and undoing the wet robe I was currently wearing.

But before undressing, I set my precious white cloth to one side, glancing at it once in a while as I slipped into the warm and dry robe and squeezing the excess water out of my hair.

Once I was done, I tentatively walked up to it, crouching down to run a finger over the silky fabric. Still dry. Was that another spell?

'Thank goodness,' breathed a voice behind me. Instinctively, I grabbed the cloth and quickly tucked it inside my obi while swiveling around to see the intruder. It was the girl again. And she had a tray laden with food. She laughed at me. I suppose I was looking rather hungrily at the tray. 'I knew you'd be hungry.'

As soon as she set the tray down, I attacked it like a wild beast. I know I might seem like a hypocrite for berating all the customers before but unlike them, I didn't get a chance to have a meal like this on a daily basis. This was a feast for me, even if it was only a bowl of ramen and two sticks of yakitori. I finished those in two minutes flat.

But as I poised my chopsticks over my ramen, I paused, a strange feeling overcoming me. Then, I placed them on the tray, folding my hands in my lap and lowering my head. The girl glanced at me in worry.

'Is something the matter?' she asked in concern.

'Everything good in life has a price,' I replied softly.

This wasn't a lesson I was taught as a child by my parents or anything. I never knew them. I was born in Rukongai without them. This was a lesson I was self-taught from enduring years of hardship and suffering.

The girls nodded.

'How very true,' she agreed, smiling lightly. 'But the only price you have to pay is to enjoy the meal. That is all I ask.'

I raised my eyebrows at her. Then, I pressed my palms together in front of me as if in prayer.

'Itadaki-masu,' I murmured before picking up my bowl with renewed enthusiasm and ate heartily.

As the girl watched me, I watched her.

She wasn't pretty. Her silver hair was cut pretty choppily, like she had done it herself. Her body and face was slender. She had a bulbous nose that seemed to dominate her face. Probably the only thing pretty about her was her eyes. They were a lovely shade of aqua green/sky blue, it was hard to tell, that shimmered from the only candle light flickering in the room. I liked them.

Once I was done, I gave a content sigh, closing my eyes in bliss.

'Did you like that?' she asked. She was such a curious thing. Or maybe she was just feeling awkward, like she couldn't really understand why she was helping a complete stranger.

I decided to put her mind at ease and smiled at her.

'Very much so, thank you,' I answered as politely as she could. She tilted her head to one side, still observing my face. 'You want to ask something else go ahead. I promise not to bite.'

She jumped at my statement before lowering her head quickly, hands twisting in her similarly fading tawny yukata.

'I was…wondering,' she mumbled, a pinkness slowly blooming across her face. 'What section of the district you are from, judging from your features.'

'Oh?' I quirked an eyebrow. I was curious now. 'Where do you think I'm from?'

She licked her lips nervously.

'Well, you have rather sharp features,' she said softly, her eyes flicking onto me shyly. 'Your eyes are dark and mysterious, like you are hiding a secret. Your hair is really dark, like those from a noble clan. And your skin is smooth. I have never seen such smooth skin except on courtesans. And your lips…' here her face now flared red, '…they are very, ummm, full and perfectly shaped. I…I assumed you were a noble's son who was lost.'

'Is that why you helped me?'

'No.'

'Then?'

'You seemed…sad. It didn't sit right with me to leave you there and especially after I scolded you, telling you to leave. Oh, I feel horrible about that!'

Here, she buried her red as a tomato face in her hands.

'Hey, hey, hey,' I hushed, grabbing her hands away from her face. I attempted a smile. I think I had forgotten all my past sorrow looking at her grief-stricken face. 'It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes. You just have to learn from them. I'm just glad I met someone with a kind heart.'

Her eyes were focused on my hands as I cupped hers. I gave them a gentle squeeze.

'I'm very grateful for your help,' I now murmured, trying to get her to look at me again. Staring at her with her bent head was making me feel awkward. 'I needed some comfort. I know it is pouring, but I should be leaving. It isn't right for me to stay here.'

I made to get up. She suddenly yanked me down. I stared at her, confused. Then, she traced the lines on my palms with her fingers. I shivered. Her touch was a little rough. I guess it was from scrubbing and serving in the shop.

'You have…' she whispered in an awed tone. She finally looked up at me, her eyes shining. '…beautiful hands.'

Her eyes were the beautiful things in this room right now. I couldn't tear myself away from them.

I leaned forward. I could feel her breath on my face. It smelled like spicy soup. She smelled like one too.

I kissed her. She tasted like plums, oddly enough. Wet plums.

I'd never had sex before.

I thought I would be really clumsy with Mika's body. She told me her name was Mika after I finished kissing her. I breathed mine to her as I pulled her robe open. She told me this was her first time too so I didn't have to be so nervous.

For a minute, I had just stared at her naked body, not knowing what to do. I had never seen breasts before and I didn't know what to do with them. I had hesitantly reached out and grabbed one and almost pulled away when she moaned.

I had heard something like that before. Alley cats yowling like that at night. Now I knew why. They'd been fucking.

She was all angles and bones except for her breasts. She tended to wear a boy's yukata to hide her chest and now I knew why. Her chest was enormous.

I couldn't stop playing with them, watching them jiggle with every touch. I would mush them together and watch, with amazement, as they quivered back into place. Her nipples were dark, hardened nubs perched atop milky globes. They wobbled with every gasp she made as I licked her stomach, making my way slowly down to her secret garden.

It was massively jungle-like. The hair there was short and thick, like a hairbrush's bristles. And silver. Guess she was a natural silverhead.

I pulled it apart, like I was opening a book, and marveled at how red and fleshy it looked. It even felt plump. And wet.

My heart leapt into my throat as I slipped one finger in. It was so damn tight. Was this really where I was supposed to fit my thing?

Another finger.

Mika was gasping like a fish now; chest heaving, breasts shaking violently and back arching off the thin mattress.

Should I slip one more finger in?

I did.

Mika was crying and writhing now. I pulled my fingers out, my tongue literally swollen in my mouth.

'I'm sorry,' I babbled. 'I didn't…I shouldn't…'

'Please!' she gasped, suddenly grabbing my fingers and driving them back into her body. This time, I gasped. But I didn't falter.

Without wasting time, I positioned myself between her spread legs, rolled my yukata aside, and, stroking my dick to harden fully, entered her in one swipe.

She screamed this time, jolting off the floor once. I shuddered, reveling in the tightness around my dick. I swallowed, my mouth as dry as a desert. I only started to move when she started bouncing on my cock, desperate for me to move. After that, I didn't hold back.

I drove in with all my might, making her writhe and cry and scream my name. Thunder rolled outside but all I could hear were her pleas for me to go harder, faster. It was getting slippery as she got wetter.

I was dripping sweat, wondering how long I'd last, how long she'd last. Wondering if this was what Kazuki wanted to do to me.

Why did Kazuki suddenly pop up in my head? Did he want to fuck me like this? How? I didn't have a vagina like Mika did. I had heard two guys could fuck but I always wondered how. Did Kazuki know? Did he want to try it out on me? Is that why he told me he loved me? Because he wanted to fuck me?

But I didn't love Mika. Yet here I was, hammering away inside her while she moaned my name again and again. Love had nothing to do with love-making.

I felt sick. But I didn't stop my pace. I kept going until I heard Mika scream the loudest she had yet, her hole tightening around my hard dick as she came in jolts. I thrust in a few more times before I cummed inside her.

I shuddered, body slumping forward. Breathing hard, Mika leaned forward for a kiss but I pulled away right before her lips made contact with mine. She didn't notice. She was too far gone to take note of my changed attitude. Instead, she yawned and drifted off to sleep.

I tried to sleep. I had never shared a bed with anyone.

Though when I did fall asleep, that was when they started.

The nightmares.