A/N: safelycapricious asked: "S2 crack! The crackiest crack to ever crack. With extra crack please. Bonuses for Lorenzos, the word the, hammocks and or cookies."

The first time Ward shows up during one of her missions, Jemma is scared out of her wits.

The fifth time, she's beginning to get annoyed.

And by the twentieth time, she doesn't even bother to flinch anymore.

"Really?" she sighs when she looks up from her lunch to find him sliding into the seat across from her. "This isn't even dangerous. I'm literally running errands."

"There's a price on your head," he says mildly, and steals one of her chips. "Errands are dangerous."

"There is not a price on my head," she counters, rolling her eyes. "It's a half-hearted BOLO at most."

"And that doesn't scare you?" he asks, reaching for her plate again.

"Not as much as your table manners do," she asserts, and tugs her plate away. "Get your own lunch."

"Fine," he says, and waves over the waitress. "But half of that is mine, you know."

"Oh, not this again," she mutters. She waits impatiently as he orders his lunch, and as soon as the waitress leaves, she points her fork at him. "We are not married."

"Really?" he asks skeptically. "Because I think our joint bank account, this ring on my finger, and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts would beg to differ."

"We used to be married," she allows. "But we aren't any longer." Then she pauses. "Wait, whose ring is that? That's not your ring."

"I know," he says, looking down at it mournfully. "But you still haven't given me back mine, so I had to make do."

"I've told you, you can have your ring as soon as you lock yourself back in the Vault," she says, eyeing the ring warily. "Did you honestly go out and buy another wedding ring?"

He clears his throat. "Sure. Let's go with that."

"Grant," she snaps, and curses herself when he grins. Someday, she swears, she's going to stop slipping on his name. In the meantime, the best way to deal with it is to move past it. "Did you steal that ring?"

"Steal is a strong word," he claims. "I…borrowed it. From someone who doesn't need it anymore."

She covers her eyes. "Grant, if you tell me you stole that from a dead man…"

"I did not steal this from a dead man," he says reassuringly (and unconvincingly). Then, "And what do you mean, we're not married any longer? We're definitely still married."

She drops her hand to glare at him. "We are not."

"Yeah, we are," he says, and leans back as the waitress sets his plate in front of him. "Thank you. Anyway, we're both still alive, right? And we swore 'til death do us part, so…clearly, we're still married."

"Okay, no," she says. "There was definitely a clause in there about one of the parties becoming a murdering traitor."

"No, there wasn't," he disagrees, and takes a pointed bite of his sandwich.

"It was implied," she hisses. "'Til death or one of us becomes a murdering traitor do us part!"

"You really need to let that go," he says, around a mouthful. "The whole murdering traitor thing—it's old news."

"You ruined an op for us last week," she reminds him, frustrated.

"Okay, that one was not my fault," he defends. "How was I supposed to know Coulson was after the package? I mean, really, guy's the Director of a treasonous secret agency. You'd think he'd have better things to do than collect trading cards."

She has both finished her lunch and reached the end of her tolerance with him, so she doesn't bother to reply. She simply picks up her handbag, digs out a few dollars for a tip, drops them on the table, and stands.

"I'm leaving now," she says unnecessarily. "Don't follow me and do not drop in on me again. Seriously. Leave me alone."

But it's mostly rote by now, and they both know it.

"Don't take Eighth Street," he advises cheerfully. "It's crawling with cops."

She pauses. She shouldn't ask. She knows she shouldn't ask. She—

"Why?"

—damn it. She asked.

"Someone killed a guy or something," he shrugs. "I don't know."

She sighs and, as she walks away, pulls out her phone to call Coulson.

"Sir?...Yes, I'm fine…Just on my way to my next stop now…No, it's all right. But you might want to send a team to Eighth Street. I think Ward's been active in the area."