IV.

I could still remember the first time we fought.

I never hated myself more than I did at that moment. I can't even remember what we fought about. I can only remember the moment you left. Rey, no words can explain the fear I felt when you left. An inexplicable fear that transformed into rage – mainly at myself- because I thought I had lost the one good thing in my life. I broke so many plates, glasses, anything I could put my hand on that day. I punched holes in my walls, screaming at the top of my lungs in pure hatred towards myself. I had lost my light, the one thing keeping me sane, the only person I ever truly loved.

I could still remember how broken I felt and feeling so fucked up for dealing with pain in such a childish manner. What if you had been there? I would have scared you away, you would have seen the monster I truly am, and you would finally see why I didn't deserve you. My screams died down as my voice started to go, no rage flowing in my veins. I sat down in the middle of the chaos I had created, and I can still feel the tears that were streaming down my face. I couldn't even remember the last time I had even cried. I must have stayed like that for hours, slowly willing myself to get up and start cleaning.

I can still remember the pain I felt when I got up in my hand, noticing blood pouring out of a deep cut. A piece of glass had cut me deeply, and I sighed. Right as I was walking to the kitchen to get the first aid kit, I heard the front door creaking open, and I whipped my head to see you looking at the room. I could still remember the drop to my stomach, never thinking I'd see you again. I still remember your eyes, puffy and red, and I still remember the guilt that flooded through me. Without a word, you approached me and took my bloody hand in yours, bandaging it up like it was the most natural thing to do. When you were done, you simply started cleaning up the shards of glass lying around, and I followed your lead numbly.

"You didn't have to come back", I told you. You remained quiet. You stood and made your way to me, wrapping your lithe arms around my middle. "I don't deserve you, Rey." I continued.

I felt you head shaking, and I could feel your tears soaking my shirt. I can remember the guilt at making you cry again flood through me. I truly was the biggest asshole. Your head moved, your tear-filled eyes looking for mine.

"Ben Solo, I love you so much but fuck you are so infuriating!"

I think that was the first time I heard you swear.