Burning

by moosmiles

AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take.

4. Chapter 3

Title: Burning

Rating: M

Chapter: 4. Chapter 3

Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation

Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take.

Comments: NA.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea.

Clare shivered as she sat on the toilet, closed off in the bathroom alone. She could hear the shrill sound of a baby's cries on the other side of the door. She closed her eyes, letting her own sobs wreck her body. "Shut up, Adam," she begged quietly between tears. She placed a hand on her heaving chest while she stood upon shaky feet and reached to open the medicine cabinet with her other. She pulled out a bottle of aspirin, using both hands to twist the top off. She shook two pills into her hand and then stared at them before adding another one into her palm. Three aspirin wouldn't do anything too harmful to her, right? The dose might even dull her migraine quicker. She brought her shaking hand to her mouth and dry swallowed the three pills.

"Adam!"

Clare gagged when she heard Eli's voice shout over all the crying on the other side of the door, but with some mental force kept down the medication. She quickly capped the bottle and shoved it back in the medicine cabinet, shutting the fixture with a bang. She opened the bathroom door.

Eli was bouncing around the room with Adam in his arms as the noise settled down. "Hey AJ. I got you." He brushed his nose against Adam's cheek and started humming a familiar song. Tunnels by Arcade Fire. Their song.

Clare crossed the room to her boys and smiled softly. "Hey Eli."

Eli looked up at her and frowned deeply, immediately angry. "Where were you?" he demanded, keeping his voice quiet.

"I was in the -"

"Clare, AJ was blue, he was crying so hard. And you were, what, taking a shower?" Eli shook his head in disgust. "And you left him on the bed. You didn't even comprehend that you should put him in the bassinet before you abandoned him. What the fuck would have happened if he rolled off? Or if he rolled over onto his face and suffocated?"

Clare glared at her boyfriend, spitting, "He is a month old, Eli. He was fine." She reached out to touch AJ, but Eli took a quick step back from her, jerking the infant with him. "Elijah, give me my son."

"Oh, now you want him?" Eli released a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "Hell no." He glowered darkly at her, cradling Adam close. "Just go take a fucking shower."

Clare pursed her lips together, sighing out in frustration. "Fine." She started for the bathroom and paused in the doorway to look over at him. "I pumped today." She dreaded the feeling of having her milk forced out of her breast via suction, into a bottle. "There's a bottle in the fridge if he sounds like he hates you." She slammed the door behind herself before he could reply and then winced, waiting to hear her son cry again.

When she was met with silence, Clare turned the shower on. She turned around to face the door and hesitated, taking in a sharp breath, before she locked the knob. She turned to look at herself in the mirror and grimaced at the zombie-like appearance she barely recognized staring back at her. She was about to step into the shower when a transparent orange bottle on the counter caught her eye. She furrowed her brow, reaching out, and picked up the bottle with delicate fingers.

Risperidone.

Eli's bipolar medication.

Clare looked back at the locked door as she twisted off the cap, pursing her lips together nervously. She didn't know why she was so paranoid. She had locked the door and Eli was obviously too preoccupied with AJ to give a fuck about how she was feeling. He probably assumed that she was in the shower. The water was already on, after all.

Clare pried a single, large pill out of the pile and forced it into her mouth, struggling this time to swallow it with just willpower. She shrugged off her clothes before she jumped into the steaming shower. She opened her mouth towards the spout of water flowing above her, trying to drink from the showerhead to help down Eli's medication. She sighed heavily, resting her head against the tilted wall. "Shit," she mumbled, realizing her mistake instantly.

DTNG

It had been three days since their big fight. Eli and Clare had vaguely communicated, barely looked at each other. Only acknowledging each other when it came to Adam.

Clare was currently sitting on their bed, hooked up to the breast pump. Adam was propped up on the nursing pillow beside her, watching his mother with confused eyes. She smiled a little, placing a hand on his belly. "Hello AJ. You look like I'm crazy for using this thing when I should just nurse you, huh?" she cooed with a giggle, mentioning the breast pump. "Say, why are you doing that, Mommy? Just stick it my mou -"

"Hey Clare?"

Clare looked up towards the bathroom door and found Eli, shirtless, holding the prescription bottle of Risperidone up in the air. She dropped her gaze back to their son, wincing slightly. She had been taking one of his pills every day while he was at work and it seemed to have greatly eased her postpartum mood swings.

"I'm, uh, down a couple pills."

Clare furrowed her brow, looking up at him. "Maybe you took an extra. By mistake."

Eli shook his head, pursing his lips together. "Clare." He didn't mean to accuse her of hiding his pills, but she was the only other person in their home capable of taking his medication. He watched her face as she stared at the baby resting beside her. He rolled his eyes with a sigh. He didn't want to argue anymore. "Yeah. Maybe I did. We're both, just, so tired." He ruffled a hand through his hair and took one of the pills himself, swallowing it with a gulp of water running from the bathroom sink.

Clare glanced up at him nervously before a whimper disturbed her paranoia. She groaned. "Adam, I just pumped." She reached over and turned off the contraption, sighing in relief.

"I can feed him." Eli sat down on the other side of Adam, scooping up the now crying child.

Clare nodded, unhooking a bottle, filled to the line that marked 3 ounces full, from the tube. "Let me get a nipple." She completely stripped herself of the device before getting off their bed. She pulled on her nursing bra as she picked a nipple and bottle neck off the kitchen counter. "Here." She handed it to Eli, once she was close enough.

Eli shifted Adam to one arm while he secured the bottle together. "Here, you go, baby Cthulhu." He forced the nipple into Adam's screaming mouth, silencing the child as he sucked hungrily.

Clare sat down beside Eli, shrugging her sweater over her bra. "What a demanding little monster," she teased.

"Clare." Eli's voice was dripping with concern. His eyes looked frightened. He was too scared to say anything beyond her name.

Clare leaned back against her two pillows, giving an innocent smile. "Eli." She couldn't handle him staring at her with such intensity for any longer than half a minute and sat up straighter. "I'm going to make some coffee. Do you want any?" She found her way to her feet and went to clean out the pot, still stained from the previous day.

Eli sighed, getting up to follow her. "Clare, if you need something, we can call your OB," he suggested, his voice soft.

Clare shook her head, scrubbing the inside of the pot violently with the soapy dish brush. "Eli, I'm fine," she snapped.

"I had to ease my way into such a high dose. It took months."

"Eli!" Clare shouted, turning to face him, slamming the pot on the counter. She held the pot out between them to keep some distance, starting to shake. "I am fine."

Eli frowned deeply, his brow furrowing. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself." He stepped closer to her, dying to touch her, but just tightened his hold on the baby feeding in his arms. "I need you."

Clare softened and gave him a smile. "I know." She leaned past Adam and gave Eli a kiss on the cheek. She turned away from him, turning back to the sink to rinse out the coffee pot.

DTNG

"Thanks for dinner, CeCe." Clare collected the plates the four they had used, left on the table. She brought the plates to the sink, to soak in warm, soapy water.

"Anytime, Sweet Pea." CeCe held AJ in her arms, rubbing his back. "Anything for the sweetest, little face and his parents." She kissed the top of his head.

Bullfrog let out a cackle. "Careful, CeCe. His head might pop off."

Eli rolled his eyes at his father, taking a sip from his glass of red wine, and then his eyes fell on his girlfriend. "Babe, you don't have to do that." He watched as she violently scrubbed the grime stuck on a plate. "Come sit down. Have a glass of wine."

"I shouldn't be having wine. I'm breastfeeding," Clare snapped at the kitchen window.

Eli looked across the table at him mother, pleading for assistance. CeCe got up, passing her grandson to Bullfrog, and got up from the table. "Clare, I made some iced tea." She opened the refrigerator to pull out a pitcher and walked over next to Clare to grab a clean glass from the cabinet. "Here." She filled the glass.

Clare wiped her hands off on a dish towel. "I'm fine," she reiterated, trying to keep from yelling. She softened when she saw her boyfriend wince in his chair. He furrowed his brow at her, having learned to keep his mouth shut since their last fight. She sighed softly in defeat, taking the glass. "Thanks." She sat back down at the table. CeCe joined her, setting the pitcher down.

The room was quiet for a few moments before AJ started to cry.

Bullfrog bounced in his chair, cooing, "Oh, don't hate me because I don't have boobs."

"Bullfrog," CeCe chided.

Clare set the half empty glass of iced tea on the table and got up to take her son. "Here. Let me feed him." She walked out of the kitchen, heading up the stairs for more privacy to nurse. Eli watched her leave the room before he refilled his glass nearly to the brim.

"Baby Boy."

Eli looked up at his mother as he took another sip, much longer than before.

"Is she okay?"

Eli rolled his eyes, teasing a fingertip across the rim of the glass. "That's a loaded question, CeCe." He took in a deep breath. When neither of his parents responded, he sighed. "No. Yes. I don't really know." He furrowed his brow, glaring at the glassful. "She was crying. A lot. Like, I'd come home and find her and AJ both crying."

"Is she still crying?" Bullfrog's voice was soft.

Eli looked at his dad. "No. Not as often." He pursed his lips together, staring at spot on the wall, as the color drained from his face. "I was taking my medication the other day and there were some pills missing." He looked at both his father and then his mother before explaining. "My bipolar medication."

CeCe stood up from the table to move beside him. "Eli, that's a serious thing to blame someone for." She placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You didn't miscount?" Bullfrog asked.

Eli glared at his father. "Dad. I have a kid. And Clare. I can't afford to miscount."

Bullfrog pursed his lips together in a deep frown. "You shouldn't be leaving her alone with AJ if she's getting high off your medication."

Eli shook his head, snapping, "She's not high!" He took in a deep breath to even out the tension in his voice. "She's actually been better since I noticed my meds have disappeared."

"She's doing it in an unsafe way, Bud." Bullfrog was met with his wife's glaring eyes. He sighed. "Eli, if your son were older and he were sneaking your pills, what would you do?" Eli opened his mouth to interject, but Bullfrog shook his head. "Son," his voice was sharp and quiet. "If Adam were a teenager, or even in college, and you found that he was taking unprescribed, high-dosed, mentally-altering medications at the expense of your mental health, what would you do?"

Eli struggled to keep from crying, bringing his fist to rest against his mouth. He closed his eyes, whispering, "Her mood has been evening out." He looked up at his mother for help defending his girlfriend. "She actually takes care of him now." He whimpered. "CeCe."

CeCe gave him a sad smile, stroking his hair. "It's okay, Eli. We'll figure out how to get through this. Just like we did the pregnancy." She gasped when he suddenly hugged onto her and she clutched him close. "Clare will be okay."

DTNG

Clare enjoyed the sound of still silence in her boyfriend's childhood bedroom. She looked down at the little boy latched onto her breast. She gave a warm smile, whispering, "All better, AJ?" When he didn't budge, she brushed his cheek with her thumb. "So much attention from Nana and Papa. So severely spoiled." She took in a sharp breath, shifting her hand to cup her breast so her flow evened out. "You are savage." She nestled his hair with her nose.

"Can you blame him?"

Clare looked up at her boyfriend. "Hey Eli."

Eli crossed the room and held a glass of ice water out to her. "You look flushed." He waited until she had taken the glass and was taking small sips before he sat down beside her. "How are you feeling?"

Clare smiled against the rim of the glass. "Okay. My stomach is aching a little." She pursed her lips together before taking another sip.

"Well, you can't be pregnant after five days." He cleared his throat when he felt her eyes bare into him. "I mean – you uh – you could be. But you shouldn't be feeling it yet."

"Eli, are you pregnant?" she giggled, trying not to sound confused. She took in a breath, trying to be serious, as she set the glass on the bedside table. "Because as someone who just went through pregnancy, I promise to hold your hand the whole way."

Eli let out a small laugh, shaking his head. "No. I." He silenced when she removed Adam's sleeping mouth from her nipple. He held his arms out, letting her pass their child over, and snuggled the warm, little body to his chest. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

Clare snapped her bra closed and buttoned her blouse. "Yeah. I'm okay." She took in a deep breath, whispering, "I'm sorry I snapped down there." She tilted her head to the side, her eyes on AJ, as she smiled sadly. "I really appreciate your parents' help."

Eli shrugged, rubbing Adam's back. "They could help more." He watched her face carefully for even a flicker of a response. "If you want. Bullfrog's working less hours at the studio. He could even do some work from home, if you want to spend a few days of the week here. Or even just drop off Adam, so you can get stuff done. Maybe rest uninhibited."

Clare pursed her lips together and then frowned. "You don't think I can take care of our son."

Eli shook his head, sighing, "Don't put words in my mouth, Clare. I know you've been stressed out. Bullfrog and CeCe just want to lighten the load."

Clare lifted her eyes to look at him, starting to cry. "I've been better." She shook her head, wiping her nose with her sleeve before it could drip. "I've been pumping and alert and not crying all day."

Eli nodded, agreeing, "I know, Honey." He shifted Adam into one arm and grabbed her shoulder with the other. "Why don't you take a nap?" he suggested.

Clare sniffled until she let out a gasp. "I'm fine, Eli."

"Okay." He gripped her shoulder, beckoning her closer. "Come cuddle with us, then." She hesitated a moment before scooting up against him. She rested her head on his shoulder, placing a hand on their son's back. They both simultaneously laid kisses on their son's head and then Eli kissed her the top of her head.

DTNG

Clare shook her head with a sniffle as she zipped up her luggage. "Adam. You don't need to cry about everything," she hissed at the hysterical baby laying in the rocking baby swing near the refrigerator. Although, she realized she was being hypocritical and crossed the room to scoop him up. She hushed him, bouncing her way to where she left his car seat on the kitchen table.

The door cracked open as she buckled Adam into his car seat. She turned around abruptly and thinned her lips together into a line.

Eli stared back at her, furrowing his brow. "Going somewhere?"

"Maybe." Clare turned back around to face the car seat, grabbing a warm blanket off the bed to cover her son's lap. She hushed him, stroking the side of his screaming face.

Eli walked over to the bed and placed a hand on the small of Clare's back. "Where are we going?"

Clare stepped back from her boyfriend, the car seat handle in her hand. She walked over to the door and set down his car seat. She pulled on her winter coat, informing calmly, "I'm going to see Helen."

"Okay. Do we need to pick up a bottle of wine, or -" Eli froze when he noticed the large suitcase by her feet. "You're going to -" He swallowed hard, feeling his eyes blur with tears. He clenched his hands into fists on either side of himself. He took in a deep breath to calm down, before he spoke again. "Clare. If you really want a break and need to stay with your mom, it's fine. We have a stock of your milk in the freezer." He felt his lips starting to quiver barely choking down a sob. "Just, please, don't take my son."

Clare stared down at the floor, tears already streaking slowly down the sides of her flushed face. "You accused me of stealing your medication." She looked back at him with darkened, bloodshot eyes. "You even told CeCe and Bullfrog."

"Yeah. That was a month's supply and it was gone in barely three weeks. Do you know how hard it was explaining to my therapist that I needed another script?" Eli sighed heavily when she shuddered at his sharp tone. He shook his head, going over to her side. "Look. That's not the point."

Clare whimpered when his hands grabbed onto hers, pulling her up against him. "Eli." She struggled to pry her hands out of his. She couldn't get him to release her, shaking her head. "I'm not a drug addict."

"No," Eli agreed, sliding a palm up her arm and cupped the side of her neck. "You're just depressed and anxious and, probably, scared. I don't blame you for trying to numb the pain. I get it, Clare. I've been there." He felt her wither between him and the door. "But stealing my medication won't help either of us. You'll get sicker and I'll become manic."

Clare looked up at him with wide eyes, suddenly frightened. "You're manic?" She took a shaky string of gasps, closing her eyes.

Eli frowned, pressing his forehead into hers, their noses blocking each other's nasal passages. "No. But I could become manic." He kept his voice quiet and dropped his gaze to the baby fast asleep at their feet. "And I don't want AJ to ever see that side of me."

Clare shook her head, lulling her head backwards, as she finally shrugged out of his grasp. "Don't pretend like you wanted me to keep Adam."

Eli felt the urge to slam his fist past her head into the door, but grasped his own clammy hands together to keep himself under control. "You can go get high on my medication. You can go run away to your mother's. Go and slowly kill yourself until you overdose on god-knows-what. But don't you dare force your daddy issues onto my son!"

Clare's eyes flashed with fear at the sound of her boyfriend's harsh tone. "My. Daddy. Issues." She repeated the words back slowly before letting out a sob. "You can go to hell." She knelt down in front of him, hunching over the car seat next to her and snapped the thermal cover on to keep Adam warm. "I don't want my son around you anymore."

When she stood up, car seat in one hand, luggage in the other, Eli gripped onto her wrist. "Clare, please," he begged, unable to keep from crying any longer.

Clare felt his fingers dig angrily into her wrist and shook her head. "Let me go. Please."

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Eli let her hand go and turned to the intercom. He pressed the talk button, taking in an unsteady breath. "H-hello?"

Before someone could reply, Clare had the door open and was struggling through the hallway with both her bag and Adam's car seat.

"Clare. I'm here." Helen's voice was on the end.

Eli dropped his head against the wall above the intercom. "Helen, don't take her with you. Please." He started to weep again. "Don't take Clare. Don't take AJ."

"Clare…?"

He could hear his girlfriend crying on the other side and realized he must have been crying, pleading her mother, for several minutes now. "Clare…" he whispered, his voice breaking. But the only other sound he heard was the door to the lobby slamming shut. "You fucking -"