The Warehouse gave Myka the possibility to reinvent herself. Leave the impulsive and overemotional woman she used to be behind, let her stay in D.C..

And it worked. It worked just fine. And why wouldn't it? Myka doesn't do things by halves. She has become rational and ,the observant one'. Slowed down a little. Thinks things through first. Decides with her mind, not with her gut. Her gut doesn't do a good job deciding. That's Pete's specialty.

Which is why missing Helena is enraging. It doesn't make any sense, it's not like she had time to get used to Helena enough to miss her.

Yes, they spent a few brief weeks under the same roof, working the same cases together, but that was two motherloving years ago, and Helena has changed since then.

Thankfully.

So no, there's not much to miss, she can count the times she's seen her since Yellow Stone without running out of hands -

but as it turns out, longing doesn't work that way. She misses her all the time.

Not like something that's constantly hurting, like a flesh wound, it's more like a back pain, dull and just barely bad enough to be aware of it nonstop in the back of her head. You can get used to it, but not forget about it.

Myka finds that it wears her out from the inside. Like there's something that keeps rubbing at the same spot until there's a hole in her, and she might just know what that something is, the eternal temptation - the Farnsworth.

She was better at keeping it together when she knew that Helena didn't have any way to communicate (knowing that she doesn't like phones all that much), that stepping by the B&B was all she could do. And she took comfort out of the fact that she was on some secret mission that ended up saving them all.

But after that, Helena got a Farnsworth - even though it was more of a symbolic thing to honor her actions. She doesn't use it, at least not to contact Myka in any way, and that results in Myka, absently staring at her Farnsworth, Myka, sleeping with the Farnsworth next to her bed, Myka, wincing every time someone actually calls her over the damn thing. It feels entirely undignified.

A funny thing the human mind does to prevent this kind of self loathing, is reversing everything. But resenting Helena for it doesn't feel right either.

She's an adult, for crying out loud. She's an adult.

No, she didn't take over her father's bookstore, she doesn't have a perfect, conventional little family like Trace does, she's not even sure that she's got everything figured out. But an adult she is, she makes adult decisions and works an adult job.

With all of which *this* doesn't really work all that well.

Myka moans in frustration and leans her forehead against the window, banging softly with every syllable as she inwardly chants: I. Don't. Need. Her. I. Don't. Need. Her. She's. Just. A. Friend. This. Is. Dumb. Please. Just. Leave. Me. A. Lone.

Of course, it doesn't help anything. There's a knock on the door.

„Come in", Myka calls without much passion; keeping up appearances is a exhausting.

But her objections soften when Claudia pops her head in with a sad face.

„Do you - maybe have a minute for me?"

Her voice is small, and Myka is immediately worried. „Of course, come in. What's wrong?"

Claudia shifts through the gap between frame and door and closes it behind her.

„I... it's a little embarrassing, but I think I could use a girl talk."

She looks heartwarmingly awkward and Myka can't help but smile a little.

„Do you want to sit down or take a walk or something?"

„Uhm - sitting down would be good, I think..."

And so they do; Myka moving into her office chair, Claudia just dropping to the floor with her back against the door.

„Shoot. I'm listening."

„I sort of - fell in love."

Oh. This kind of conversation. Myka guesses she should've suspected this when Claudia said ,girl talk'. It's not really a topic Myka is cut out for at the moment, but alright.

„Sort of?"

Claudia gives a short laugh. „Okay, not sort of. I fell in love."

„I'm suspecting there's a ,but' coming up. Is it... not mutual?"

„No. Yes. I don't know. I haven't really... asked."

„It's not Steve, is it?"

„What? No! God, no. It's Steve. No."

She looks genuinely mortified, and Myka believes her - it's the same look she feels on her face at the thought of having a thing for Pete. Not that there's anything wrong with Pete, on the contrary, but - it's *Pete*.

„Sorry. Go on. You don't know if he likes you back?"

„No." Claudia shoots her a sharp glance she doesn't know how to take.

„I haven't. But I don't know if I should. Tell him, I mean. He's so far away, I rarely ever see him."

Where does Claudia meet boys she rarely ever sees? At her obvious confusion, the girl adds:

„I know him through my brother. I only see him when I visit."

„Oh. Alright. He's older than you, then, I take it?"

Is that excitement she sees sparkling up in her eyes? Jeez, she did *not* need to know that.

„He is. It's another reason why I'm not sure what to do. I mean, we've always had this kind of special friendship ever since I met him, even though my brother wasn't particularly fond of him at all times. Eventually he came around. I think I felt something, between us, I mean, you know?"

Oh wow. That sounds so familiar Myka wants to throw up, and all she can do is nod.

„But then I had to come back, and now I'm just... not sure anymore."

Myka nods again, a little hypnotized with how much she can relate to this feeling. She so didn't wish for Claudia to feel this way, if she could, she would take it away from her.

„And he doesn't call all that often. I guess I just don't know what I want. Do I want to be with him? Do I want to ignore his calls and never see him again? Do I want to keep going as I do? Because I also really don't want to lose what we have, in terms of friendship."

*Outstanding* questions.

If she had an answer to those, her life would be so much simpler.

Myka's fingers feel cold and she's sick to her stomach, but she clears her throat and says: „That's a mean situation you're in, Claud."

Claudia doesn't take her eyes off her for one second, Myka notices as she tries to come up with a good piece of advice. What does *she* want?

„I can't tell you what you want."

„What would you do in my shoes?"

Myka smiles weakly. „Take them off? - Kidding. Maybe you could try to find out if the feelings are mutual through your brother? Or do you want to not include him in this?"

Claudia beams. „No, Myka. This is perfect. Thanks a bunch."

And with that, she's on her feet, giving her a fierce hug, and out the door before Myka can say anything at all.

So this is the disadvantage of being an adult - a talk with a friend can't fix everything like it did when you were a teenager.

It helped a little, to have Pete as an anchor, that day on the porch, but it doesn't make it go away, it doesn't change that the voice in her head when she reads is Helena's now, and it doesn't change that she starts to feel isolated because she doesn't know how to tell anyone.

It's going to go away, sooner or later, she keeps telling herself.

The only problem is that she can't stop thinking about everything that makes Helena real and a person and *her* - and she's not so sure anymore.