Emily.
Fuck.
That's all I have to say. Holy shit fuck motherfucking Christ shit balls fuck.
I was a bit of a wreck. My mind just wouldn't shut up. It kept screaming "I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" at me. Deep breath. So, my dad had just officially told me I was a disappointment I mean this isn't the first time he's made me feel like I am, but it's the first time he's gone right out and said it. That was it, I would keep working for him, more like running his own fucking business, but he wouldn't even look at me... Or Naomi. If I'm honest, it was the fact that he hated Naomi, when all that girl was was good, I mean really. What she did for me yesterday was the nicest thing anyone had ever even thought of doing. She had just gave me a whole day of love, a whole day of making sure I knew how much she cared about me and that was all I ever wanted from anyone. But now, that glow of happiness had washed away and reality came crashing down on me: my father was a drunk who hated me and couldn't keep anything together after my mum left him. I needed to call Katie and tell her what had happened with me and Dad. It was important she knew, mostly because she was my twin and I wanted to tell her but also so as that she would know the new boundaries that had been set up. I had to call her, just as soon as I could heave my self up from being wrapped around Naomi and crying into her shoulder. "I have to ring Katie..." I murmured into Naomi's shoulder just loud enough for her to hear.
"I know, Ems. But, you can wait until you're ready.. Theres no rush." She said just as quietly back to me.
That's what I loved about Naomi, she never rushed me into anything, she knew just what to say and she would do anything to protect me and make sure I was happy, even at her own expense. I loved that she cared about me this much but the idea of her putting herself on the line for me was inconceivable, it hurt my heart a little, the idea of her being hurt at all. You see, I would put everything I had and myself on the line for her, just to keep her living and breathing and going. My life would be a waste without her, I wouldn't be able to function. If she went, I'd have to go after her. Finally, the last tear fell from my eyes and I picked my head up from her shoulder, still not letting go of her though, I kissed her on the cheek, the nose and on her two eyelids because I knew how loved that made her feel. She smiled at me, looked me in the eyes and kissed me on the mouth. There was no innuendo behind that kiss, it was just love, it was what I needed. I still didn't want to let go of her but I forced myself to detangle from her perfect form, I sat cross legged across from her.
"I think I'm gonna call Katie, I want her to know what's happened." I said, looking down at my hands. Naomi leaned forward, tilting my face upwards with her hand underneath my chin, she looked me in the eye and said "I'm here for you, whatever happens, I won't leave. I'll stay with you everywhere." She said earnestly. I turned around to get my phone off the bed and I stood with my back to her dialing Katie's number. It began to ring, after 4 rings she picked up.
"Ems!" She said cheerfully. "Hows things?" She asked.
"Um, not great..." I said, my voice trailing off. Just then I felt Naomi's arms wrap around me from behind, this was the perfect, sweetest way for her to show me support and love. I relaxed into her, immediately feeling safe again.
"Shit, what's happened? It's not stuff with Naomi is it? I mean, you two were fucking perfect last night, I've never seen you so happy." She said, her voice getting a much more sombre tone to it.
"No, no. Me and Naoms are perfect, I love her she loves me, we even had a conversation about futures and shit" my voice had just gotten noticeably happier. "But, look, Dad rang me this morning, that's what's wrong." I said. Naomi kissed the curve of my neck, shit, I loved that. I felt safe again.
"Oh.. Fuck. What did he say?" Katie asked.
"The usual, but he actually told me I was a disappointment this time... He said stuff about Naomi and I. Stuff about not wanting to be there when we get married, and not wanting to see our kids when we have them.." I said, my voice cracking. I hadn't exactly told Naomi about this and I felt her grip tighten around me as she nuzzled her face into my neck. She could tell I was crying.
"Oh, Emily... Do you really think he meant that?" She asked, I could tell she was almost crying too.
"Yes. He told me too, he kept reinforcing all of it." I said.
"Shit, look, I'll take to him and try and talk sense into him... Is there anything I can do?" She asked.
"Thanks, Katie. No, I think Im just going to cuddle up to Naomi for like a million hears and try not to think about it.." I have laughed, Naoms laughed with me.
"Katie shum." She said.
"You're talking twin?...We haven't done that in years... You've nothing to be shum for Katie, it's not you're fault."
"I know, but, Katie Shum, for not standing up for you when you first came out.. I was a cow, I love you Emsy." She said.
"Emsy shum, for expecting you to understand everything when I came out. I love you too."
"Bye Emsy." Katie said, a little smile creeping into her voice.
"Bye Katie." A little smile also creeping into mine.
I hung up then and turned to face Naomi, who I could see had tears on her face. "I'm sorry you're dad said those things, I can't imagine what that's like. I'm so sorry Ems, I'm sorry I can't fix this." She said, her voice breaking and her tears welling up.
"Naoms, its ok, its ok. Don't worry, i'm not expecting you to fix this. I just need you to do what you're doing, what you're so good at, to listen and care." I said, smiling at her and wiping off the tears on her face.
"But I hate the fact that I can see you're hurting and I can't do anything about it..." She said, not able to look me in the eye.
I pulled her into a cuddle letting her curl up to be safe, I put my mouth next to her ears and said "you're already doing everything you can, you're keeping me together. No-one else can do that for me." I pulled her head up and kissed her, a special kiss that was pure love, it was the kisses I could only have with her. When the kiss finished we stood there holding each other, until Naomi pulled me over to the bed, neither of us wanted sex right now but we both wanted each other, we both were craving each others touch. Naomi pulled the covers around us, we just held each other, kissing every so often, it was purely beautiful, just needing each other. We fell asleep and when we woke up, we were starving, too knackered to bother making breakfast we decided we would go to our favourite little cafe which was only a two minute walk away. I got up and dressed, when I opened the curtains once more I saw that it was a beautiful day: the sun was shining, a cloudless sky and it looked warm. When we were both ready we walked hand in hand down to the cafe, we were practically on a first name basis with everyone in there. We ordered what we usually got and sat together. We eventually go to really talking about our futures, I guess the phone call with my Dad had prompted it, plus the conversation we had the day before my birthday.
"So," Naomi said. "Do you really want to get married?" She asked, a massive grin spreading across her face.
"Well, yeah, if I'm getting married to you, that is." I grinned, taking her hand across the table.
"Really, seriously though? I mean, I know I want to spend my whole life with you, I know you're the only person I'll ever want to marry, but I mean..." She looked down for a minute. "Am I making a complete tit of myself, or do you feel the same?" She asked, still looking down.
"Naomi, I feel the exact same. I know there's no one else, I just love you more than anything, and that's how it is. I want to marry you and spend every day with you... It's all I want." I said, sheepishly smiling.
Naomi looked back up, the two of us just sat there like idiots grinning at each other. Having been together almost four years now, I knew I loved her, I really did. And I knew this conversation would mean that pretty soon, we would be getting married.