I had just witnessed a blue phone booth loaded with dinosaurs appear out of thin air. The primitive village where I had just gotten married fell into chaos, people running every which way as they either attempted to flee or stab the creatures with spears.

In the space of a minute, ten people ended up either getting disemboweled or clawed to death. And there I was, naked as a jaybird save for the brightly colored marriage cape made of parrot feathers tied around my neck.

The mighty men of the village retaliated with their flint axes and other crude implements, their efforts yielding varying degrees of success. Torches worked better, but the torch bearers got tackled from behind, and we were hopelessly outnumbered.

To be honest, I should have let my wife die with everyone else, or at least fled under the cover of anarchy. If I truly had traveled back in time, her existence, her carrying my seed, would probably cause a temporal paradox or make me my own grandpa, and if she died, I also wouldn't have to be tied down to a village that doesn't understand the concept of dentistry or underwear. It would have solved a lot of problems, temporally and morally, but I had made a commitment, so I grabbed a torch in one hand, Mrs. Wilson in the other, preparing to fight to the death.

My breathing became shallow as I turned my head this way and that in search of would-be foes, and as I felt the cape brushing against my naked thighs, I hoped and prayed these things didn't like sausage.

Suddenly I got a bright idea. Everyone was running away from the box, including the lizards. Why not run towards it? I tapped Eve Wilson's shoulder (more like beat against her cape), pointing to it.

She said no.

I pointed again, and she basically told me hell no, so I pulled her in that direction.

Unfortunately, she hunted bison or something equally tough and muscular all day, and I spent ninety percent of my time in front of a computer, so she pulled me in the opposite direction as easily as a spooked German shepherd can drag a small child down a block and back.

For several tense seconds, we played tug of war, me fighting uselessly for purchase, Eve dragging me further and further from my goal. The torch fell to the ground and puffed out.
I could see it. An open lane between the far huts and the boulders. I pointed that way and she didn't get it.

In desperation, I let go, and she fell to the ground, her cape molting all over the place.

Aiming to lead by example, I dashed behind a far tent, waving urgently to her.

She caught up to me with little effort, and then a shapely fist hits me in the face.

As I'm seeing stars, she starts dragging me by the hair, so I pull a leg out from under her, threw dirt in her face, and ran further in the direction of the box.

I decided, once I got in the box, I'd barricade myself in there, and watch for Eve through the windows, or the door if I wasn't able to find any windows. Being of the stronger sex, at least in our relationship, I firmly believed she would be able to follow my lead.

For the most part, the things were too busy disemboweling and eating people to bother with me, even with my beautiful feathered cape. But as I passed the fourth hut along the way to the phone booth, I noticed a green thing jump at me from the shadows, its disemboweling toe claw aimed and ready to cut me open.

I closed my eyes, waiting for it to happen, but at the last moment, I heard a banshee-like scream and I open my eyes to see my wife ramming a flint knife through the beast's skull.

When the thing fell to the ground, dead, she grunted and pointed back the way we came. Fool, don't go any closer to that demon box.

I crossed my arms, shaking my head.

For a moment, I thought she was going to knock me out again, but instaed she starts crying, running a finger down her scarification. I'm your wife.

I nodded, touching my own scar solemnly. Then I put an arm around her cape, pointing to the box, then gestured, caveman style, you-me-together.

She pointed back at the mini Stonehenge we had just left, clutching her chest like she were hugging someone. Family, it meant.

I nodded, but pointed to the box, making a show of shielding a fist with my other hand.

She shook her head fiercely.

I nodded yes.

She shook her head no. Her eyes said `How do you know?'

I flexed my arm and she laughed. You are not mighty. But still I pointed that way.

She sighed in resignation, tapping her scar. With a nod, she crept, ninja style, around the rear of the next hut.

As we neared the box, the creatures became less and less, apparently wanting no more to do with the thing than a cat wants to play with a rocking chair.

When I turned the corner, I felt a heavy hand clamp down on my neck. When I looked back, I saw the scowling face of my father-in-law, Mr. Oog, or whatever it was.

Don't worry, sir. I'll take good care of your daughter, I mimed.

The man was badly cut. I looked on the ground and saw a trail of dead lizards behind him. All this time I thought I was invisible to those things, but I really wasn't. I blamed it on my stupid parrot cape that I stupidly hadn't thrown off.

I sighed and jabbed a finger in the direction of the blue box.

The man shook his head, but Eve pleaded my case, causing him to relent.

Soon our little hunting party neared the box, taking down two straggling creatures with the tools left behind by dead villagers.

I hurriedly pressed my body up to the side of the box, peering around the corner.

We grabbed some more tools off the ground, then crept around the splintery blue edge, to the place where all the things had been spewing out.

At first, it appeared as if the coast was clear. I could see the arcade machine thing and the floor, and I couldn't see a reptile anywhere. But when my bare foot crossed the threshold, a pair of them jumped out from behind the machine, and I was tackled against a wall.

I don't know why I wasn't disemboweled, but before it could try, Mr. Oog stabbed it in the neck, right below the jaw.

The creature tried a few feeble chomps at my face, then collapsed on me, blood pouring down my naked chest, oozing into my lap. It reminded me of my first meeting with Eve in ways words can't explain.

Hearing a secondary scuffle involving the woman, I pushed the thing off, and found her already victorious, the green carcass pooling blood on the floor.

I still didn't know the first thing about how to make the box do things or go places, but I did know how to close the door. After all, all my troubles had stemmed from opening it in the first place.

Seeing that we were relatively safe, with no dinosaurs to be seen, I pulled the lever, breathing a sigh of relief. However, my guests panicked, behaving like trapped rats, shouting and jabbering in their strange language.

I leaned against the wall, catching my breath, and Mr. Oog had a good look at the console, cautiously flicking the door lever back and forth like a toddler discovering what a light switch was.
Somehow he got the notion in his savage brain to bait another beast in, closing the door on its neck like a guillotine. It shouldn't have worked, but he forced the door somehow, and a bloody green head came rolling down the floor.

For a moment, the man turned his back to the console, opening his mouth in attempts to ask me questions, but then his eyes bulged open in surprise as his intestines came spilling out on the floor.

Apparently we had missed one.