Hi beautiful people! Thank you for reading and rewievs and everything else.
I apologize for mistakes and errors, as always there is a lot of them.
I hope you will enjoy this chapter.
Eileen (Part 4)
First week after Eileen's awaking passed briefly. What changed? Eleanor started to greet Dan again, still proud and unfazed but with apologetic expression on her face. They were in good relations when Blair and he started dating, she accepted him and treated like a member of her family from the very beginning. He was worried back then that Blair's mother could have had difficulties with him, euphemistically speaking, but that was in fact unfounded. After failed marriage with Harold, years of posed happiness and pretended love she seemed to grown to the thought that it didn't matter from where you were but who you were. She married Cyrus after all. But now Dan didn't except much from her honestly. He actually didn't care about Eleanor's or anyone else's opinion by then and for now. Between him and Blair nothing changed. Or maybe one thing… right now Blair couldn't look at him not because of disgust but because of a shame, her shame. Dan on the other hand avoided her more than before, he didn't know why, he processed it all and he concluded that she had right to think like she did after what she saw. But why she didn't talk to him? That was the constant question in his head. Maybe it was too soon for him to act like he was reconciled. Because he clearly wasn't. The most important change – Eileen. She became the perkiest and cheerful child in the hospital, if that was even possible. She was talking a mile a minute. She was running and jumping, dancing even nobody couldn't harness her. She dragged Dan to the play room when her own toys bored her, he basically had to chase after her. She was so vital and happy, and he couldn't be happier, his daughter was healthy. She could pee on her own. Neither Dan nor Blair for that matter would have ever thought that they will be excited and high spirit because of such a trivial, physiological thing. Dan didn't see his own 4 years old daughter walking freely before. He realized that he knew her only in sickness, it made him sad a bit. She had catheter, sometimes drip or dialysis machine, she was laying in bed all the time. When she had to move somewhere they used wheelchair or he carried her. Now she was hopping around him joyfully. After seeing her like that he didn't need anything more from life. She played in all possible board games and composed all puzzles she had and read every book with Dan, with Blair and even with both of them. And it could have been nice family moments, if it wouldn't be so awkward. Regrets was eating Blair from the inside, Dan saw it clearly he even felt for her, she probably saw for the first time what they missed, what they could have had. These all moments were impossible to catch up. The guilt simply consumed her. Dan thought that they should wait it out, cool off. He made plan up and he was going hold on it. Realization of this concept he started on Wednesday a week before Ellie's planned discharging from hospital.
.
.
.
"I didn't realize that such a little child can have so many things." Dan said breathing heavily, when they put last suitcases in Ellie's room in Blair's and his apartment, Harold started to chuckle. "Well ok. I might have guessed, it's Blair's child."
"Packing this was a nightmare and I'm sure Blair will reprimand me for bad packing, especially her stuff. I'm prepared to her discontentment about it." He smiled warmly.
"Thank you so much dad for sending all of it from Paris and for helping me with this room." Dan said gratefully. "I really want to meet their expectation." He paused. "I hope Blair wouldn't be disappointed." He looked around newly redecorated room. Blair didn't know that he intended to bring them to their apartment that he set up bedroom for Eileen similarly to her room in Harold's house, the same room which she chose as a nursery the day when they bought this place. 'This will be nursery.' She announced confidently that Dan wasn't sure if she was telling him that she was already pregnant or that she was just planning it.
"Are you kidding me? It's beautiful Dan. You did a wonderful job here. It definitely follows Blair's taste and ideas. And the walls, just magnificent. It's Alison's work." He didn't need confirmation.
Dan nodded. "Yes, I asked mom only to paint something on the wall. And I didn't expect such an impressive effect, really." Dan knew that among photographs, books, board games and well Cedric, Eileen adored nature – trees, plants, tinier and bigger animals so Alison painted on the two corner walls almost tridimensional meadow – green grass, colorful flowers and smiling little friends from cartoons like butterflies Molly and Dolly, bee Stella, grasshopper Bob and cricket Mark. It seemed that the bed was located in the middle of the bright, sunny mead.
"Do you need help with unpacking it?"
"Oh no. I'm not going that path. That would be risky venture." He shook his head decadently. "I asked Dorota to neaten Eileen's clothes up in proper order. Blair's things stay untouched in the bedroom to her arrival."
"That's smart." Harold nodded approvingly.
"Do you want something to drink, eat? Fridge is finally full so…"
"Tea would be great." Dan nodded to his father in law, and they headed to the kitchen. Harold sat at the table when Dan was preparing tea maker. "Dan, I am really sorry. And I want to apologize to you." Dan just sighed, slanting at the sink. "You have to understand me, I wanted to save my daughter like you want to save yours." Dan snorted. "I neglected Blair when she was younger. I wanted to compensate it for her, as usual ineffectually." He said sadly.
"I don't want to sound bitter but I was contacting with you so many times and you never told me that she was with you in Paris whole this time. You knew that I was looking for her, you knew that she was pregnant. I was there couple times. The last time Eileen was 6 months old, and you still never mentioned her. I just can't believe that it was lasting for so long."
"I am ashamed of it. Believe me. You have right to be angry with me, I never forgive myself that, if someone would have hid Blair from me I don't know what I would do. But please I need you to accept my apology. She never told me what happened between you two. I thought firstly that she did something stupid, but she was too devastated for that. When she told me she was pregnant I tried to convince her to talk to you. She promised that she was going to but when she would feel better, then after a labor and then when Ellie would be bigger. Always some excuse. I called you to come, I thought that when she saw you she finally worked up courage…" He trailed off. "Dan she threatened me that when I tell you were she is, she will go away and I will never see her again. She was in condition when she actually could do that. I couldn't risk it." Dan sighed tiredly again, knowing Blair she was able to such a thing, especially in that hard moment like that.
"Ok dad, just forget about it. Now is the most important and now is good. Right?"
"Right. So you are not mad at me anymore?"
"No. I wasn't mad, I just didn't understand why. I'm still not sure if I do, but it's ok. I'm ok. Don't worry."
"Sure?"
"Sure." Dan smiled.
"I need to know something." He said offering a cup of tea to Harold, he looked at him curiously. "Blair was doing so well in Harper's Bazaar, she was on her way to conquer the world." He said that with pride and worship in his voice. Harold watched him indebted, He always thought about Blair first, even now. "But she quitted this job so easily day-to-day basically and disappeared. She was in her element there and I know work was always very important to her. Is she doing something or…"
"Well. Not exactly." He started. "She focused completely on pregnancy and the baby. Job seemed to be not important to her at all. When Eileen was born, she was her world. She revived, really revived with her. When Ellie turned one Blair decided on study. She started double minor in art history and history of French literature. She passed in flying colors, of course." He smirked. "Only in last December she said that she missed her work and she wanted to start all over again, so she applied for a job in Vogue Paris. She got it. In March she was going to start, but for the obvious reasons she resigned."
Dan nodded knowingly. "I understand." He said sipping his tea.
"How is your work? Congratulation for the promotion. Chef Editor in New Yorker, dreams came true, hyh?"
"I've never even dreamed about that, to be honest." He laughed. "It's good. Responsible, challenging, exhausting, but good." Harold nodded. "When Blair left I completely fastened onto work. Sometimes I even think that I'm credited to her for that. I would have never reached that if she would stay. I'm not saying that I'm grateful for that oh no no no. " He added quickly shaking his head. "I would do everything to reverse it. Career was important to me but not the most important."
Harold stayed silent for the moment. "Dan please, don't give up on Blair." Dan was a little shocked by the statement. "Don't let her push you away this time. She is stubborn and proud and ashamed. She knew she made a mistake, and it's hard for her admit it. I think, that she thinks that she is not able to make it up for you, that's way she is distant and persistent. She loves you, if she doesn't she wouldn't act like that." "It's not that simple." "Just try. Be patient and tolerant. Little by little…"
"I'm not sure I'm still that determined as before. Everything has changed. And it's hard rebuilt from that. I don't think I can, at least." Dan knew that everything was leading to divorce, but he didn't want to talk with him about it right now. "I can't promise anything."
"That's enough for me. You are perfect for each other, you should remember that. Pairing like you two betides once in the lifetime. I knew that from the very beginning and that should stay like that forever. I don't want you two to regret more actions. Do not do anything impulsively." Dan didn't react. In that moment Rufus entered a room, holding the box with air filter.
"Hi Dan." He noticed Harold. "Oh hallo Harold."
"Hallo Rufus." They shook their hands.
"How is Jennifer?"
"Oh she is great. Alison took her to Hudson for a couple of days." He said. "She is back in work, I'm a little afraid that she is overdoing already, but she is ignoring me…"
"Daughters." Harold sighed heavily.
"Yeah." He contemplated a bit and turned to Dan. "I brought this filter for Ellie's room, we were talking about." He put a box on the counter.
"Thank you dad. I will install it later."
"I can help you. I'm the handyman of UES though." He said proudly. Harold chuckled.
"Oh god dad…"
"What? Mrs. Mansfeldow called me that after repairing her faucet."
"Dad don't take Mrs. Mansfeldow's option so serious, I really don't think it can be treat as oracle considering her mental state and fascination of the plebeians."
"Is not that bad." Rufus deafened. Complements of this old lady somehow titillate his ego.
"He called me armiger." The three of them laughed out loud.
"Son, believe me I can mount this filter." He pointed at the box with fake hurt.
"Knowing from experience, your refitting skills say otherwise. Remember that chair…"
.
.
.
June 9th, 2021. Six anniversary of Dan and Blair wedding. (They both pretended that they didn't remember.)
And the day when Eileen was going home.
Blair should be happy, her daughter finally was all right, well about that she was deliriously happy but the other things made her cringe. She didn't know what waited for her outside. She didn't have place to leave here in New York. There were no option going back to Paris because of Dan, but she didn't want to end up in her mother's penthouse either, not with Eileen, not again. But it seemed the only choice, at least for now. And Dan. What about Dan? Official separation? Divorce?
.
.
.
Dan entered Ellie's room in the hospital when Blair was packing their things. She looked at him.
"Where is Ellie?"
"She stays with Eric in cafeteria, I thought I will help you with this." He answered.
"I can handle the packing." She said dryly.
"I know Mrs. Do-it-herself." She glared at him. "Extra pair of hands could be useful." He grabbed an empty suitcase and approached to a closet. Blair took a pile of books from the shelf, and tried to carry them. "Blair it's heavy, you can drop… let me help you." He made a step forward. She turned abruptly, and the books felt down on the floor. She cursed under her breath, he kneeled next to her.
"Leave it!" She swatted his hand. "Always good intention, good nature, good manner. You don't have to help me up! I don't need it!"
"Fine." He stood up rashly and went to open a closet. Blair collected some books and threw them laxly into the box. Dan took Eileen's clothes and started to make them carefully in the suitcase.
"What do you think you are doing?" She asked him puzzled.
"I think I am packing clothes." He said slowly, audibly.
She approached to him and snatched Eileen's t-shirt from his hands. "Stay away from it."
"I am able to pack clothes, Blair. It will be faster."
"Everything will be wrinkled and… I will do it."
"Of course." He dropped a bottom of Ellie's pajama on the bed. "You do everything better. You know everything better. Last 5 years you were doing and knowing everything better." She got speechless. "I'm going to Ellie. You can do whatever you want. You don't need me, you said it yourself." He brushed past her and went out.
.
.
.
"Hi." Eric knocked mildly.
"Hi." She replied with a tiny smile.
"Are you ready? Dan wanted to know if we can take stuff to the car."
"Why didn't he come himself and ask?" Eric narrowed his eyes at her. "Ok. Ok. I know. Yes everything is ready to go."
"Why are you like this towards him?" Eric asked, leaning on the doorframe.
She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. It's easier to sustain… All of this."
"Protective barrier. Hmm interesting." She looked down. "Did you decide on something?"
"No." "Are you going decide on something?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want something specific from him?"
She looked at him clueless. "I don't understand." Eric didn't intend to explain.
"I will do what he proposes. I own him that."
Eric sighed disapprovingly. "I will go for him, and we will take these." He waved a hand over the mound of boxes. "Many of it." She just nodded apologetically.
.
.
.
Eileen was walking around the clinic with that colorful, summer dress in stripes, loosely knit ponytail with a silk ribbon (no headband!) and Cedric in arms. She was the light of this place. She melted hearts in passerbies' chests. She concentrated attention of all people in hospital by her open attitude. Everyone complemented her and congratulated Blair. Blair was so proud, having such a well-behaved, smart, beautiful and popular child, was a good reasons to be proud. They both thanked and said good bye to the doctors, nurses and friends.
Blair was sitting on the bed with Ellie on the laps in already empty room waiting for Dan or Eric to come for them. Ellie constantly asking where they were going and where was dad. Blair couldn't answer honestly that question. She suggested tentatively that they were going to grandma Eleanor.
"Come on. Dan is waiting in front the building for you." Eric said.
"Ok. Come on then sweetheart." Blair said nervously. She took one last look around the room.
"Mommy. We have to go." Ellie said eagerly, seizing her mother's hand.
"Yeah. We are going." Blair smiled brightly down on her daughter.
Blair, Eric and fidgeted Ellie were waiting for Dan on the sidewalk, when he parked up in front of them and got out from the car Eileen with top speed hurled herself into her dad's arms. He laughed and lifted her in the air. "Hallo to you pretty lady." He smiled at her and kissed her cheek. He placed her on his left hip, Cedric was clenched between them. "Missed me a bit." She nodded affirmatively, he laughed and kissed her again. "Come on…" Dan opened the door, Ellie jumped excitably into the car and sat on the child seat, he clasped a seatbelt around her. "Watch your fingers, ok." He closed the door gently, carefully, then he headed to the driver's seat. He half sat on it when he noticed that Blair still was standing in the middle of the pavement, with crossed arms, pouted lips, stepping from one foot to the other. "The princess needs special invitation to the carriage?" He called out sarcastically. Eric burst out laughing next to her. She huffed irritated, scowling at Dan and hit Eric by her purse. Dan slammed his door and waited for her. She walked around the car with her head high. She sat in the backseat next to Ellie, slamming the door theatrically. Dan ignored her, opening a window he asked. "Eric, do you need a lift?"
"Oh no thanks. I think I will better take subway."
"Sure?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you again for help."
"You are welcome."
When Dan drove away, Ellie asked. "Where are we going daddy?"
"Home sweetie." He smiled at her in the rear-view mirror.
"To grandma Eleanor?"
"No." Blair peeked alarmed at him. "Grandma's home is grandma's. We are going to your own home."
"I have my own home?" That was actually very sad statement. She was leaving in grandpa Harold house, then she thought that she will be in grandma Eleanor place. Blair thought about that places as not hers honestly, but she wasn't aware that her daughter could think about that this way too.
"Of course." Dan said confidently, trying to sound unaffected.
"Dan we can't go to the loft." She whispered, sticking a head between the seats.
"We are not going to the loft." He stated. 20 minutes later he stopped the car and Blair realized that they were in front of the building of their apartment. 'He didn't sell it?' She thought.
.
.
.
Eileen was super excited, she admired a place since the moment she stepped in, dragging Dan inside quickly. Blair walked in unsure just behind them, her heart was beating like crazy, palms sweating, she grasped her bag's stripes firmly. The apartment looked exactly like she remembered, like she decorated it. Every single piece of furniture, every single detail was the same like she saw it the last time. The place was clean and bright. Dan looked at her nervously from the corner of his eye. He wasn't sure how Blair would react on his idea.
"It's beautiful." Ellie looked around the living room.
"You lived here with mommy before?"
"Yes." He answered honestly.
She nodded. "I see your pictures on the fireplace. Can I see them?"
"Yeah." He lifted her up. The girl started to giggle. "What is so funny, hyh?"
"You." She continued to giggle. He frowned his brows. "You look so funny on this picture." She pointed at the frame with the photo of Blair and him, taking by Lola in the theater where Inside was performed.
"Oh yeah this is the worst picture of me, I suppose." He cringed.
"So why is it on display?" She asked seriously, petting his jaw consolably. That was one of her ways to show him her affection. He loved it.
"Your mommy insisted. She, don't know why, liked it very much."
Ellie let her head rest against his shoulder. "You don't look bad, just funny."
"Thank you, honey."
"Rest of them is lovely. Where is that from?" She asked intrigued.
"Peru. This is very old estate of Incas, tribe from Latin America. Machu Picchu."
She absorbed information. "Is that llama?" She studied a picture closely.
Dan laughed, remembering Blair's reaction on coming a wild animal closer to them the second after they took that photo. "Yes."
"Mommy didn't like it, I guess." She stated pointedly.
"Yeah we can call it that." He grinned.
"Would you show me your albums? I want to see alllllllll pictures you have." She opened her arms showing how many.
"Of course but what would you say if we go and see your bedroom first?" He asked her finally, arching his eyebrows encouragingly.
"Yes, yes, yes." She hugged him tighter.
Blair watched them with amusement. She never doubted that Dan would be amazing father, and he was. He loved Ellie so much. When he looked at their daughter, spoke with her, listen to her his face expressed pure adoration that was incomparable to anything else what she witnessed in her entire life. Blair's heart melted every single time. It almost hurt. Ellie adored him too without question. They knew each other only a tad over a month, but they seemed that they were never apart. The regrets came back unawareness. They could have had it. All.
"Mommy, come with us." She turned to Blair who was standing still in the foyer like a guest, deep in her thought. "We are going to my room."
"Yeah, come on Blair." He beckoned for her. He put Ellie down. And they went upstairs.
"Which one?" Ellie asked which door she should choose.
"These." He gestured. She opened them and walked in timidly.
"Wow." She exhaled.
"Do you like it?" He asked unsure, biting his bottom lip, entering the room.
"I love it!" The girl said all thrilled. She put Cedric on the giant bed and climbed on it. "Grandma Alison painted this?" She asked standing already.
"Yes, she did."
"It looks like real." She touched a small daisy on the wall and started to jump on the soft mattress.
"No, no, no. Do not jump on the bed, you can hurt yourself." He said firmly catching her. "Look." He turned them to the shelves. "You have all your books here, albums and toys." He pointed on one corner of the room. "And clothes." He showed her a wardrobe.
"Mommy, the room is so pretty." She said contently.
"Yeah it is." She replied dreamy, smoothing a white cupboard. "It's stunning."
"Your dad helped me. He showed me pictures of Eileen's room in his house and chose right furniture…"
"It's fantastic Dan." She interrupted him. "Thank you. I wouldn't do it any better, really." She nodded appreciatively. "It looks marvelous. Especially the painting." She paused. "Alison is so gifted. I have to thank her too." She said softly.
"I'm glad you like it." He paused. "I hope you don't mind but I invited your parents, my parents, Jenny, Eric and Dorota with her family for dinner today at six. That's why they weren't in the hospital today."
"I don't mind." Ellie said sincerely.
Blair shrugged. "I don't mind too."
"Okay then." He extended. "So I should prepare something to eat for the evening. Would you help me in the kitchen partner?" He asked Ellie, swaying her a bit.
"Yeah!"
"Meet you there in a minute ok?" She nodded and freed herself from his hold and ran downstairs, Blair followed Eileen with her eyes, smiling adoringly. "Hey! Not so fast!" He called after her. "Your dad brought your things too." Dan started hesitantly. "They are in the bedroom, you can unpacked them or rest or get ready. Take your time." She nodded. "See you later." He left her in the corridor in front of their old bedroom.
Blair walked in shyly, peeping in firstly. She stepped in and smelled well known scent, mix of her perfume and Dan's cologne. The room must soak in them, tears appeared in her eyes immediately. Their room looked the same, clean and fresh, expect suitcases on the floor with her properties which Harold sent. The same silk sheets in which she slept the last time. Dressing table intact, her half full perfume bottles, make-up cosmetics, skin cream, hand care lotion etc. All of it wasn't even useful anymore, expired a long time ago. She sat in front of the mirror and opened a drawer, she sighed expecting what she could find there. Cubic zirconia tiara on the sateen, jewelry pillow. She took it gently, it was still sparkling in the sun. 'It's been 10 years.' She thought, she put it back and moved to the wardrobe. All her clothes were hanging neat and tidy, nothing were missing. She noticed only relatively small, empty part when Dan's clothes supposed to be. She sighed again. In the bathroom she spotted her toothbrash in the cup on the sink, only hers, and her lavender shampoo she used the morning she was going to Boston, she remembered perfectly how she left it in the corner of the bathtub edge with open cap and it stand like that until now. The room looked like symbolic mausoleum. Sudden overpowering sadness took her over, she started to sob.
.
.
.
Dinner wasn't that awkward like he suspected to be. There was casual small talk about neutral topics. Conversation seemed to go smoothly and unenforced. And luckily Eileen entertained the group being in center of their attention and talking with everybody. It was much easier avoided stodgy atmosphere with her. Cyrus asked harmlessly about Dan's work in the magazine truly interested. Eleanor commended Ellie's room mutedly with her well known reserve. Dan was also astonished how big Anastasia and Leo, Dorota's children, were. He remembered Leo in Ellie's age, and Anastasia… more teenager than kid. That was unbelievable to him how time flew. How everything was changing around. Leo reminded him several polish phrases he learned before, he felt like polyglot again knowing even only simple words in that difficult language. Only Jenny brought with herself a moment of awkwardness intentionally of course, greeting Dan and Blair with 'Happy Anniversary!' which met a collective grunt and Rufus's cautionary glare. Jen just shrugged nonchalantly, proud of herself and sat next to him. Lily tried to rescue everyone by asking Dan about recipe for pasta, what everyone found even more bizarre than Jen's allusion, like Lilly would ever cook that though. Blair felt little out of the picture during the meeting but she found peace in Dorota's warm look and kind words. She talked with her and her daughter, most of the evening, enjoying her time with them. After all that was nice dinner.
Eileen was exhausted. She basically was falling asleep in the bathtub. Blair had to carry her to bed. Laying her there she was already snoring lightly in deep sleep, Blair put Cedric close at girl's hand, in case she would wake up in the middle of the night. Blair was tired too. She took quick shower and went downstairs for a cup of tea.
"Oh sorry. I didn't know you are here." She said to Dan who was taking the dishes out of the dishwasher and backed down.
"You can stay Blair. I'm finishing it."
"I just…" She started uptight. "I just wanted to make tea…" She approached uneasily to the kettle. "Do you want some?" She asked him indecisively.
"Oh yes please." He answered pleasantly surprised, putting the last plate in the cupboard. "How is Ellie? Pretty tired hyh."
"Oh yeah. That was eventful day for all of us. She felt asleep in the bathroom actually." They shared only a smile. "She will sleep like a log all night, probably."
Blair placed his mug in front of him on the table and sat in opposite side. Dan looked down for a moment unsure how to tell her what he was going to do, he sighed out. "I just want to tell you that I will move out the day after tomorrow." She glanced at him woefully. "I don't want to intrude you anymore."
She rolled her eyes. "You are not intruder." She claimed surely. "And you don't have to do this." She said with the tiny hope in her voice.
"Yes I have to. You don't feel comfortable when I'm around, I can see you are avoiding me." She didn't dare to look at him. "And I don't want to confuse Eileen, so I will do it as soon as possible."
"Confuse?"
"Yeah that we will live together, all three of us." She locked her eyes on his completely downheartedly. "I can't do it right away because loft is occupied by Eric and Rob. When they go back to Miami I will move in there." He stated calmly. "We survive one more day somehow, hyh." He attempted to joke.
She ignored that sentence. "Rob?" She asked, trying to sound undisturbed.
"Yeah Robin, his husband."
"Husband? I had no idea that Eric has someone, let alone that he is married."
"They got married last summer in Spain." He informed her, sipping his tea.
"Why didn't he bring him today? I would love to meet him." She asked agitated.
"I insisted but Rob decided that he would stay at home. He said that it's family thing etc."
"But Eric is family, so he is family…"
"I've told him that, but he was inflexible. You will have an opportunity to meet him not once surely." She nodded.
"I also thought…" He trailed off jerkily. "I'm sorry for straightforwardness but we probably never find a better moment for that…" She knew what happen next. "I thought that we should agree on no-fault divorce." Dan bit his lip nervously, she wasn't surprised by his statement this time.
"Ok."
"Ok?" He watched her carefully. "Ok." He confirmed. "I know we didn't signed a prenup, but don't worry I don't want anything and apartment is yours and Eileen's."
"No Dan I can't agree on that. It's as much yours as mine." She said firmly. "You loved this place…"
"You loved this place too." He remarked accurately. She exhaled and rubbed her forehead nervously. Dan put his hands flatly on the table. "Eileen needs stable, very own place to live, real home. You both need it. We used to be family here." He said with lower and soulful voice. "I want her to feel safe and secure, to grow in familiar environment. I have no doubts that you will give her that, and make this place sanctuary for her, like you made it once for me." He grunted, feeling like he said too much.
"Dan, we…" She began bashfully.
"Don't say it. I've got carried away."
"I feel like I'm taking everything away from you. I…" She trailed off. "It's wrong, so wrong. I can't let you forgo everything just like that." She confessed honestly, seriously.
"This are just things Blair, you know I've never cared about them."
"You know that I'm not talking about that…"
He sighed. "Let bygones be bygones. We have to move on. Don't worry about me." He took a sip and smiled at her unconvincingly. She didn't respond. "Should we proceed affiliation firstly?" She looked at him puzzled. "I want to be legally confirmed as Ellie's father and have full and equal custody of her, as you." He paused because she looked hurt. "I hope you don't have problem with that?" He said worriedly.
Blair stood up and took a file with Ellie's hospital's documentation from her bag which she left earlier on the kitchen counter. She flipped through the papers and showed him one of them. He took it hesitantly. That was Ellie's birth certificate. He upped his head immediately and looked at her with wide, hopeful eyes. He searched for the certain rubric.
Child:
Eileen Sophie Humphrey; 6.43 am; Girl; February 23, 2017; The American Hospital of Paris, Maternity Unit; Paris, France.
Mother:
Blair Cornelia Humphrey; November 14, 1990; New York City, US; Waldorf; Paris, France.
Father:
Daniel Randolph Humphrey; April 26, 1990; New York City, US.
His mouth parted a bit, his eyes flickered at her like they used to do, with expression of total, positive surprise.
"I would never do that to you." She opened up. "You are her father and I couldn't even imagine otherwise."
But fact that his name was looming on the document wasn't a reason of his amazement. "Sophie?" He said with shy query. The warmth and deepness of his look made her blushed. He always had ability to overawe her, especially by looking at her. Whole love he had to her was exposed evidently in those big, brown dove eyes. And this time wasn't different. She missed him agonizingly. "How?" He paused. "Did you know?"
Blair bravely collected herself and mustered a smile. "You told me." He tilted his head, narrowing his eyes intrigued. "Remember, in Rome when rainstorm caught us one day, and I got three-days cold." He nodded, remembering perfectly.
"Sick Blair means depressing movies." He interjected playfully, forming a gentle smile.
"Yeah. That's one of my many blemishes." She paused. "Anyway. I drove you to watch Sophie's choice… and I felt asleep like 20 minutes later, supposedly."
"Supposedly?" He frowned.
"Because I didn't. I was listening your stories you told sleeping me about us." He gapped his mouth in disbelief. "And just then you said that you are going to persuade me on Sophie as a name of our future daughter. And I must agree that wisdom is very good name choice for the girl." She almost winked at him playfully.
"I'm so embarrassed right now. You never told me… please don't tell me that you heard everything?!" He asked suddenly in horror.
She was grinning. "Don't be. And yes, everything." He hid his face in his hands. "I'm glad we don't have a son because I would never agree on Conrad." She tried to lighten up an atmosphere.
"Hey you have something against Joseph Conrad."
"Oh nothing at all, I just would prefer you to not naming babies after him." Dan laughed a little after that riposte. Blair on the other hand got serious. "You described our future so brilliantly, you were so sure about… everything. You wanted life of my dreams, what just proved that we had more and more in common than we initially thought. That day after what you said about us, about me, all these things. I promised myself that I will never disappoint you or let you go… And I failed sordidly."
"Blair…"
"Don't say anything. You don't have to solace me."
Dan sighed out dejectedly. "Thank you Blair." He said finally after a long pause. "For this." He held Ellie's birth certificate. "For thinking about me somewhat…"
"I've never intended hiding her. I wanted you to be a part of it from the very beginning, I really do. I've just…"
"The longer you linger to do something the harder is doing it with time." She nodded. He felt awful reverting to the topic in the moment like that, but he felt like he should have. "Do you think Cyrus could take care of formalities for us? It's better to sort this out with someone we trust, I think."
He got her back on Earth rapidly, too rapidly. "Yeah of course. I will talk with him about that soon. He will help for sure."
"Ok." He stood up from his chair and put his cup into the sink. "I'm really happy we talked tonight. Not only about divorce but in general. It's really nice to have normal conversations with you again." She just smiled weakly. She didn't want to have just normal conversations with him. She wanted to have everything with him, like before. Being in their home for the first time in five years released in her all pent-up emotions with intensified power, she wanted him. Him. But it was too late. To cap it all off, he dared to kiss her temple. "Good night Blair." With that he walked to the guest room. The burning feeling in the place where his lips contacted with her skin, couldn't left her despite she wanted it very much.
When Dan closed the door, he leaned on them panting. He regretted the kiss the second he touched her face. That was spontaneous gesture, he didn't expect it either. It just happened. It took all his will power to dismiss the enormous temptation to go back there and kiss her furiously caressing every part of her delicious body in every possible way. He wanted her. Everything with her, like before. But it was too late.
.
.
.
Blair woke up in the middle of the night sweating, gasping for air, clenching her thighs tight. Her center was pulsing uncontrollably demanding someone's attention. She went through this not once or twice before. She knew when she would touch herself just for calming the spot down, she wouldn't stop on that. She was full awaked but she still felt his hips moving rhythmically with hers in perfect union, his lips on the crook of her neck, his stubble scratching delightedly her skin, his hand squeezing her left breast making her body covered by Goosebumps. Electricity ran through her from the top of her head to the end of her toes. Dreams about making love with Dan tortured her in years. They always were very vivid, what drove her crazy… and wild. But this time was so real like never before. Was that because he was in the next room or because she was sleeping in their bed? She didn't know. All she knew was that she needed relief.
She gave in.
Wound up she slid her hand down between her legs, spreading them out, parting her lips. Running her finger up and down from her clit to her center, relishing her own softness and wetness. She couldn't recall when she was that wet for the last time. She stroked her clit with fingertips slowly at first, then pressing them a little bit harder. She moaned audibly. She rubbed it in circles with her two fingers slicked with wetness, faster and faster couldn't take anticipation any longer, achieving more frantic pace with every move. Her legs tensed up, hips bucked, fist gripped a sheets. She was continuing her action until she came off hard. She arched her body in pleasure at the end, calling absently, subconsciously her husband's name, twitching and out of breath. Still dazed, she put her one palm on her chest trying to calm her wild beating heart, with the other she wiped drops of sweat from her forehead. She curled up in a bowl after a moment, shifting on Dan's side of the bed, clutching his old pillow. Move on. How? She couldn't see any perspective for her future. Her working life didn't exist. Her private life was shattered. For the past five years Dan and she lived apart but she was still very connected to him. In her twisted line of thought, knowing that he functioned out there as her husband was enough for her. Now the end of them never was more real, never was closer. Will she feel like that forever? Miserable. Pathetic. Half empty inside. She shed more than few tears again that night.
.
.
.
Dan bustled in the kitchen early in the morning, already dressed ready for work. He had to be earlier in the office for meeting with editors of particular departments. He had so many things to catch up at work, browsing through overdue articles was just the beginning. He groaned at the though. He activated a coffee machine and made toasts for the breakfast.
He was sipping his extra strong, black coffee looking outside the window when he felt a tiny, noiseless shadow approaching to him. He smiled broadly to himself. Looking down he saw Ellie who was standing inch from his leg in exact the same yellow pajama in cherries, in which he saw her for the first time in the hospital. She tilted her head to the side and curved her lips down. He kissed her tenderly on the forehead and squatted in front of her."Why are you up so early? I woke you up?" He asked.
"No. I couldn't sleep." She pouted her lips. He lifted her up and placed her on the counter. He gathered her messy curls and tied them back in loose ponytail, eyeing her closely.
"Are you hungry? Wanna cocoa, pancakes…" She shook her head no.
"I don't feel well."
Pure fear ran through Dan. Bucking up he switched in the doctor mode immediately. "Are you nauseous? Is your tummy hurting? Are you thirsty? Do you want to pee a lot, but you can't?" He examined her stomach. 'Flat and soft.' He thought. Trying to keep presence of mind he started to consider possibilities.
"Daaady!" She extended annoyed, rolling her eyes. She had to cut in, he didn't give her even opportunity to answer these questions. "My heart is aching." She said with the saddest expression he ever saw on her face looking straight in his eyes, fluttering her long eyelashes along the process.
He sighed not less bothered at all. "Why is that? Why are you upset?" He upped her chin and stroked her cheek cheeringly. "Come on." He carried her to living room. "What happened?" He asked concerned. They sat on the sofa.
"I woke up yesterday." She began. "I went to mommy. She was alone in your bedroom's bathroom and she was crying." He took a deep breath. "She was very sad. Did you argue?"
"No sweetheart." He paused "Of course we didn't argue. Mommy and I are fine. Don't worry." He managed to smile at her.
"So where were you?" She delved relentlessly.
He dumbfounded. "I worked… in the office. It was late… and I didn't want to wake anyone so…" He trailed off. Why was he lying to her? 'Shame. Shame. Shame.' She didn't even buy it, he saw it clearly. But miraculously she conceded for now.
"I love mommy very much. I don't like when she is crying." She said.
"I know. I don't like it too. I also don't like when you are sad." He pointed at her, smiling. "And mommy doesn't like it either. I'm sure it was nothing. Maybe she hit her knee on the bath edge, believe me it hurts very badly. I cried because of that couple times. She is fine." Ellie didn't seem convinced. He was terrible at this, he felt it. He wouldn't want to hear that nonsense himself. "I will talk with her later." He offered. A satisfied smile appeared on her porcelain face. "Don't worry. Ok?"
"Ok." She snuggled into his chest sleepily. "I'm calm now because you will talk to her." She yawned. "Do you love mommy?" She asked harmlessly.
He shifted awkwardly, grunting quietly. He didn't know what to say, how extricate from that. He couldn't say he didn't love Blair. That would sound cruel and would be a lie, another one. When he would say the true she would have asked questions when she would find out that they were not together and they will never be. When people love each other they are together, he always believed in that. He was sure Ellie would have concluded it that way too. How to explain that sometimes it's impossible. Their problems could not mess up with Ellie. They needed protect her, no matter what. But she waited for the answer. "Of course I love mommy."
She nodded. "When you love people, I think is very important to say that to them. They should know what you feel."
"I think that too."
"Do you tell her that you love her?"
"Ykhm. Not lately, honestly."
"Me either." She replied. "Maybe she was crying because we didn't tell her that for a while?"
"Or maybe not." He smiled down at her. "I really think the reason of that is pettier. I'm assuring you, she is completely fine. Stop worrying about that. We both are fine." He noticed her eyes were already close. "Come here." He lifted her. "I will take you to your bed."
"No. To mommy." She mumbled into his neck. Upstairs, halfway to Blair's door, Eileen shrank her head back facing Dan, not so sleepy anymore. She snaked her arms around his neck tightly. "I love you daddy." She declared truthfully, flashing him the sweetest of smiles.
He didn't anticipate that. His eyes sparkled at her. "I love you too. So much." He hugged her. Her tiny posture sank into his arms. "I love you so much." He whispered again stroking her back. After a long moment which lasted way too short for him anyway, he put her on the ground and waited until she walked in to Blair's bedroom. Before she closed the door behind her she sent him quick kisses, beaming widely, showing that sweet dimples on her rosy cheeks. He caught happily every single one. When she finally closed them and he was left alone, his smile decreased at once.
'That will be the hard day.' He thought.
.
.
.
Eileen crawled over on the bed nestling herself next to Blair under her silk cover.
Blair half opened one eye. "Hi sweetie. You came to me." She said contently. "Come closer." She enveloped on arm around her daughter, pressing her into her chest. The girl put her head on the pillow right next to Blair's facing her.
"Mommy."
"Yeah."
"I love you." Blair opened her eyes fully this time, couldn't refrain a smile.
"I love you too honey very, very, much." She petted her locks.
"I want you to know."
"I know that Ellie, don't worry." She hugged her strongly.
"Will you remember even when I forget to tell you that?"
Blair laughed softly. "I will remember." She answered guaranteeing.
"I don't want you to be sad ever again."
Blair got a bit alarmed why Eileen was patently upset and why she was thinking she was sad. "Honey I'm not sad at all. I'm quite the contrary. I'm the happiest person on Earth because I have you."
"Really?"
"Of course." She kissed her. "Would you nap with me for a little bit longer?"
The girl nodded, snuggling to her mom even more.
.
.
.
Dan was exhausted. That was the longest day at work in his life. Meeting after meeting, fresh issues emerged into a picture every hour ahead, from warlike debacle about the cover topic and the wrangle about leitmotiv of photo shoot for the next week's number to the argument about health service report and dispute about book review on the blog. Ten people ten different opinions. Dan as a head of it had a casting vote, so he decided adamantly, confidently and quickly and charged everyone to go back to their work. He had to put so much energy to focus on the subjects that day as never before. His thoughts constantly drifted to Ellie and Blair.
Dan walked out from his office 5 minutes past 11, when was already dark outside. By the time he arrived to the apartment it will be almost midnight. He realized that he didn't see Ellie whole day except the talk in the morning and that he would not see her right now because she was already sleeping obviously. He groaned displeased. And he probably wouldn't catch Blair either. He was pondering all day what Ellie said to him, he was thinking that over in every possible level, concluding nothing. He simply hesitated, not that sure about his – theirs, decision anymore. On the top of that Eric dropped by and brought keys to the loft. He could move out without a hitch now.
As he suspected Eileen was sleeping peacefully in her bed, he checked on her silently. She was sleeping on her stomach uncovered strangling Cedric. Dan smiled at the view. He picked the duvet up from the floor and enveloped her delicately, knowing that she will throw off it in her sleep anyway. He stroked her cheek tenderly and exited the room. Blair's bedroom was closed, she probably was sleeping too. He decided that he wouldn't disturb her right now.
After hot, soothing, refreshing shower he headed to his room, when he heard Blair downstairs in the kitchen, he came to decision.
He was standing in the dark side of the living room leaning back on the wall right next to kitchen entrance. When she walked out with the bottle of water in hand, she flinched scared at his presence not expecting him there at all.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He said genuinely.
"It's ok." She replied eying him discretely. He was wearing plaid pajama bottom and white tank top indecently exposing his arms and chest, weak spots of her, not the only ones by the way. She bit her lower lip, couldn't help. And he smelled so good. As always, but her senses were definitely keen in that moment. "Hard day at work?" She asked casually, not wanting to ask about why he came back so late. She felt like she had no right. He could do what he wanted though.
"Yeah. There was hustle and bustle in the office." He sighed tiredly. "I had to stay longer and tied everything up."
"That's what boss should do, I guess." She smiled weakly. "Eileen was asking about you all day."
"I'm sorry I didn't warn her that I can be so long at work. It wasn't scheduled, next time I call you, or something." He explained guiltily, standing closer to her. Her old silky, blue nightwear which he remembered fit on her perfectly now was oversized that she had to roll up her sleeves. 'Can small size be even too big?' He looked at her thoughtfully. "I talked with her in the morning." He grunted. Blair widened her eyes on him surprised. "She was worried about you…"
Blair heaved a sigh. "I figured this out. She was very protective and supportive today. I don't know why she is like that… I told her that there is nothing to worry about." She was toying with a bottle looking down.
"Is that so?" She looked at him confused. "She saw you crying alone in the bathroom." Her mouth opened. "Are you trying to say that you are crying for no particular reason?" Her mind went completely blank when he asked her that question. "Blair what's wrong?" He approached to her, she backed up from him. He stopped in place.
"What's wrong?! Everything is wrong. This is wrong!" She waved a hand between them. "And this." She waved a hand around the place, trailing off in the middle of her thought. "Excuse me but I'm tired so…"
He took a deep breath before replied. "I get that you don't want me around but you have to deal with it because I will never give up on Ellie." He informed her decadently. "If you don't want to live here, you could just say."
"You don't understand." She snarled, turning her head hiding watery eyes.
"Yes you are right I do not understand." He came back at her. "What do you want?!" He waited staring at her. "What do you want Blair?! I need to know!" He asked again more angrily. She stood still, she would hurry upstairs and hide in her room if he wouldn't be on her way. "Fine, you don't wanna talk I will do the talking." He inhaled. "I'm trying. I'm really trying to get past it. For Eileen's sake, for you… but you don't help me. You are reserved and distant towards me. You ignore or avoid me. You constantly push me away, no matter what I am doing. All efforts I'm making are pointless, because you are rejecting everything. You gave up on us so easily before. And you are doing it now with everything else."
"I'm rejecting you!? I gave up on you!? You have to be kidding me?!" She blew up. "You." She pointed a finger at him. "You want to divorce with me!" She yelled in whisper.
"Because you want it! I'm doing what you want! You are repeating that for last five years! And you agree on it not further than yesterday!" He was lowering his voice. "I love you." He threw suddenly. She turned her head rapidly on him wiping tears from her cheek. "I want to be with you. There is nothing I want more. Be with you and Ellie. Be the real family. I love you." He repeated. "I'm feeling it and I'm saying it." He paused, studying her. "Last five years showed as that we can live without each other, the question is if we want to." He paused. "I don't want." He claimed. "This all philosophy of being apart despite love is a load of shit. I don't believe in it. Love is the only, sufficient reason of being together. Denying it it's just making yourself unhappy and even worse a coward." He paused again, catching her red eyes. "When two people love each other they should be together." He couldn't read her face. "Do you love me?" He asked resolutely clearly wanting an answer. Blair was standing with lowered head, her hair covered her face. She was silent. His eyes almost pleaded her to look at him and say. Something. Anything. His eyes shut tight. "Ok. I get my answer." He said disenchanted with cracked voice. He opened his heart in front of her, once again. His memory drifted to the scene in the loft when he said that he loves her for the first time. He sighed, his eyes filled with tears. Today hurt more, he must admit that. He spun around and was ready to go upstairs without a word, but he stopped and turned to her one last time. "You know what hurt the most." She still didn't dare to look at him. "That you had no desire to talk with me back then. Yell at me, slap me or tell me what you think about me. That you didn't even try. I witnessed for years your fights for Nate, Serena or Chuck. You craved for the confrontation with them after every horrible thing they did to you, no matter what this was. You desperately, obsessively wanted to face with them head-on. To get them back, to revenge on them or any other reason. With me you back down and without hesitation cut me out of your life. I naively thought that I was important to you at some point, but I guess this all prove oppositely." That last statement faded in whisper. "Eric gave me back keys to the loft, tomorrow I'm gone. And I will talk with Eileen about that if you don't mind." After that he made a few, hurried steps on stairs.
"I love you!" She called out. He stopped on track. "I've never stopped. I don't want you to doubt in that." She stood still, composure, trying to keep her posture upright, looking up at him. "I don't want divorce. I want to be with you. Always. Forever. If you let me." She added shyly. She rubbed her one arm for comfort and courage. "I want to be family with you again. Better one. Bigger one. Ellie, you and me. All three of us." He finally turned to her, still standing on the stairs. She took a deep, shaky breath. "You were and are the most important, you are essential, you are everything to me. You have always been and you will always be." She anxiously rubbed her chin. "I was broken, nothing more nothing less. I didn't know what to do and even if I would have known I had no strength to do it. With them was easier because I didn't expect anything good from them. I was prepared that sooner or later they betray me or cheat on me or use me or leave me. I accustomed to that. I knew how to deal with that. With you was different. I trusted you completely. I wasn't insecure about us. The pain I felt after your suppositional betrayal was incomparable. I never felt like that before. I cared about you the most. I loved you the most. I still do." She pressed her lips together feeling freed but exposed and vulnerable. "I'm sorry for everything."
In a spur-of-the-moment Dan jumped down promptly from the steps and strode towards her with solemn expression on his face. He snatched her hand in his leaded them buoyantly upstairs. She withstood a bit at first clueless. "What are you doing?" He tightened his hold and continued dragging her ahead. Couldn't keep up after his pace, she had to grasp a railing, dropping plastic bottle on the ground.
.
.
.
tbc
Editing this chapter on ff site was THE NIGHTMARE