The two girls had spent the rest of the night locked away in Santana's room. There had been moments where they would just stare at one another unsure what to say. They had both tried to busy their self with homework but each time there was a pause in reading they had looked at each other, caught eye contact, and stared too long until one or both would look away and awkwardly try to continue with whatever they had been just reading.
It seemed like every time one of the girls had wanted to say something more, they stopped their self and instead changed the subject. Rachel had even offered to help clean Santana's room at one point and as she had gathered up some clothes to put in a laundry bin had suggested she add some colors to the décor. It would lighten up the room a bit and give her a fresh start for her senior year. Santana had of course refused to hear it, demanding that her room was perfect the way it was, even if it was a bit cave-like and depressing.
Rachel had stalled long enough for the night, four hours having passed since the moment they had held one another near the door to the bedroom. It had been weird when they finally stopped crying and looked at one another. They had pulled back from each other, looked around the room, and immediately started doing other things. Rachel had been dying to say something but each distraction had turned to another and soon enough the night was gone and nothing had been resolved. So Rachel was packing her books now, ready to head home for the night.
"Where are you going?" Santana asked when she realized Rachel wasn't searching for more notes but instead was packing things away.
"Home" Rachel said with a shrug of her shoulders as she zipped up the last pocket on her bag.
"Oh" Santana slumped a little with disappointment and looked back to her book as if she wanted to read it again.
Rachel arched an eyebrow at the reaction. She hadn't moved yet. She kind of didn't want to and was now silently willing Santana to ask her to stay.
"I guess I will talk to you later then," was the only response Santana gave.
Disappointed, Rachel frowned and nodded, sighing as she turned to head to the door "We never talked in the first place" She mumbled under her breath in a bit of frustration.
"Huh?" Santana glanced over her shoulder, having heard the girl say something but not having heard it clearly.
Rachel paused at the door and shook her head a little "Nothing, Santana. I will see you tomorrow at school."
Santana nodded, watching the girl now slide out of her room and shut the door behind her. She had an ache in the pit of her stomach as soon as she was gone. Something didn't feel right. The whole night had been awkward. There had been an entire roller coaster of emotions and she was left still feeling sick. She had gone from wanting to die, to hating herself, to hurting Rachel and hating herself even more, to anger and frustration to self-pity, to being scared of the honesty between her and Rachel, to acting like none of it had happened. A mess was definitely a generous word for Santana Lopez when it came to handling emotions and it was at this moment that she started to realize that.
"Wait come back" Santana had quickly punched the message into her phone and sent it off to Rachel, biting her lip as she glared at the screen almost willing a return text to appear.
Much to her relief, one did, almost immediately.
"I haven't left, I am standing on your porch contemplating coming back in there to yell at you."
Santana let out a breath she hadn't known she had been holding and laughed at that. She quickly got to her feet and moved out of her room and down the hall to the front door. She peeked through a curtain to see the Rachel was in fact still at her house. Her body went warm and she opened the door "Get in here, creep." She whispered with a laugh.
Rachel grinned ear to ear and turned on her heels, walking right inside and down the hall back toward Santana's room.
Locking her bedroom door once they were both inside, Santana now looked at where Rachel had made herself immediately comfortable on her bed again "So you wanted to yell at me? For what?"
Rachel rolled her eyes "Don't play dumb with me, Santana."
The Latina folded her arms and a smirk lifted on her features as she now challenged the other girl "No, really, what?"
Rachel sighed a heavy sigh and her eyes rolled so hard Santana was almost sure that had actually gone completely backwards in her skull. "Fine, if you don't want to talk about it I really will leave this time."
"Okay, okay!" Santana said with a laugh, moving to the bed to sit next to Rachel. She folded her hands in her own lap and looked down her legs to where her ankles were crossed. She never realized how short Rachel was until she saw Rachel's feet dangling above the floor where her own were very much touching the carpet with room to spare, it seemed.
"Well" Rachel folded her arms, her legs kicking a bit where they hung off the bed.
"Well" Santana shrugged. Here she was, emotionally inept and unable to face anything real again. She shook her head at herself. She had to say something. She lifted her eyes and when she found Rachel looking at her intently, she couldn't help but laugh a bit "Rach, don't look at me that way."
"What way?" Rachel blinked, her hand reaching up to push some hair behind her ear as she tried to loosen up and act casual when in reality every muscle had been tense and she had been very much on the edge of her seat, so to speak.
"Like the next thing I say could shatter your world" Santana whispered softly.
Rachel bit her lip, her eyes dropping to the bed for a moment. She had to take a breath. The truth was, Santana very well could shatter her world with her words. She hated that, she hated not having that control of her own destiny, but it was the truth. There were so many things hanging in the balance, they had been all summer, and finally they were about to breach the subject and Rachel was on pins and needles. This conversation could make or break her. She had gone over it so many times in her own head, playing both her part and Santana's, making every possible scenario an imagined reality as she had discussed with herself what it all had meant.
Finally, here they were, about to have the conversation Rachel hoped they were going to have and she wasn't ready. No matter what had played out in her head, she was almost sure Santana would throw her for a loop and whatever happened, it would be the last thing Rachel had prepared for. Her chest was tight and her mouth dry.
Realizing she had fallen into her own head, Rachel quickly shook away the thoughts and smiled, trying to be as calm as she could when she spoke next "I am just really interested in hearing what you have to say." Yes, that was casual enough right? Not too hopeful, not too desperate, not too uncaring.
Santana knew Rachel better than that. She had known when she paused that she was running through her own mind and that the answer had been casual because she had thought carefully about it and how it would come out. The funny thing is, Santana liked knowing Rachel that well even if that meant she knew that what she might say next could adversely affect her in more ways than she could anticipate.
Not even sure where to start, Santana shrugged "I have no idea what's going on, Rachel."
Rachel frowned and Santana immediately knew her words were not what Rachel had wanted to hear.
"Things have been so messed up for a while" Santana continued although that part kind of went without saying. "I mean I went from having everything under control to everything spinning out of control and I don't really know how to handle it."
Rachel nodded but the look on her face told Santana she was still kind of hanging on for something more.
Clearing her throat, Santana suddenly realizing her mouth was dry, she shook her head "That night we were together in the bathroom changed something in me but even more so the next morning."
That perked Rachel up a bit, her features lightened and once more she had that hopeful face that maybe something good was about to come.
Santana smiled and reached out now to take Rachel's hand. She watched her thumb run over Rachel's knuckles lightly before she took a breath and looked up at her again "That morning was the first time I had ever felt wanted. I mean I had been told before that I was sexy and they wanted to have sex with me. I heard during sex how hot I was and have been told all sorts of nice thing but they were all heat of the moment things, you know? Even with Brittany I always felt like I was more in and more interested than she was. I've always kind of felt that way. I mean even with Finn..."
Rachel surprisingly didn't interrupt or even flinch at the mention of Finn.
Santana gave her hand a squeeze "But that morning, with you, for the first time in my life I actually felt wanted. I felt attractive and beautiful and like I was worth something."
"I did that?" Rachel asked softly, her fingers gripping tightly at Santana's, trying to fight a smile as it took over her features.
Santana smiled a smile that Rachel wasn't sure she had ever seen before. It was shy and happy at the same time. For the first time it was Santana without walls around her and Rachel liked it. A lot.
"Yeah." Santana nodded, not looking away as she held eyes with Rachel.
The tears welled up in Rachel's eyes so fast she couldn't have fought them if she wanted to. Her arms wrapped around Santana quickly, pulling the taller girl against her so fast that Santana nearly fell over on top of her. Rachel's face was buried against Santana's neck, her taking deep breaths to try and calm herself but she was so overwhelmed in that moment that she trembled with emotion.
Santana blinked, surprised by the sudden movement. She had to put her hand on the mattress to keep herself from toppling over on Rachel. Her other arm wrapped around the smaller girl and she pulled her close. The two of them were pressed so tightly together but it wasn't uncomfortable. Where Santana curved, Rachel bent, and they fit together in a way Santana had never noticed before. She couldn't help the smile that took over and her eyes closed as she once more lost herself in holding Rachel. It was quickly becoming her new favorite sensation.
Rachel cried for a few moments and for the first time in weeks, Santana was the strong one. She didn't tear up but it didn't mean she didn't feel. She felt more in these moments that she had felt in longer than she could remember. Her fingers lifted and threaded through the long brown strands that lay against Rachel's back. Slow soft strokes, over and over again, in no hurry to make Rachel pull away even if she was a little confused as to why she was crying.
When Rachel finally pulled away, she was smiling even as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Thank you" she whispered softly.
A bit confused at that, Santana laughed a bit and shook her head as her fingers continued to play in Rachel's hair gently "For what?"
"For being honest with me, for being open with me." Rachel sniffled before reaching her hand out to smooth her fingers along Santana's cheek. "You've always seemed so afraid to feel or be true to who you are and hearing you be so open just touched me." She bit her lip as her eyes lifted to catch Santana's, her smile genuine and full of emotion.
Santana shrugged and Rachel quickly shook her head, her hands reaching up now to both cup Santana's face, keeping her gaze locked with the dark brown eyes of the Latina.
"Don't shrug. It means something and it's not to be shrugged off. You are so beautiful and strong and amazing and now more than ever, in this very moment, I can see it clearly."
"Rachel" Santana closed her eyes as she felt tears starting to rise under her eyelids. She had to take a deep breath to steady herself. She licked her lips and when she opened her eyes, they were glossy, but the tears were kept at bay.
Rachel ran her thumb under Santana's eyes softly before her hands slid off her cheeks and down to her neck. Without hesitating, she leaned in slowly. It felt right in the moment and as her lips came in contact with Santana's it felt even better. It felt perfect.
Santana didn't pull back. Instead her hands lifted and she pulled at Rachel's cheeks so she wouldn't move away. Her head titled just enough and her lips cracked slightly to allow her tongue to slide from her mouth and across Rachel's bottom lip.
Every movement together felt so natural. It was almost as if Rachel knew Santana's tongue was coming because her lips parted just as the tip of her tongue touched to her mouth. She allowed the exploring tongue all the access it wanted. Her fingers teased against the back of Santana's neck, playing with the short hairs there while at the same time pulling her much like Santana was, so she couldn't pull away.
As Santana's tongue dipped into Rachel's mouth, she felt the starlet return the same depth as her tongue tangled with her own. A soft moan escaped and her fingers curled around a few dark strands of Rachel's hair. Their movements were desperate but their kiss was tender.
Minutes passed and as their lips wrestled and their tongues melted together it never progressed past that. It never became sexual or desperate. There was no pressure for more. They were both happy to be like this, pressed against one another completely and yet satisfied with nothing more than their mouths and tongues roaming together in a silent conversation.
Finally Rachel moved back enough to break the kiss, though just barely. Her forehead was pressed against Santana's as she kept close to the girl and took in a deep breath to refill her lungs of the breath that had been stolen away by the amazing kiss. She smiled slowly, licking over her lips to sweep up the linger taste of the kiss.
"I'm going to call my dads, let them know I will be staying here tonight." Rachel whispered, breaking a silence that had filled the room for longer than either of them had realized.
Santana opened her eyes and looked at Rachel with a smile, nodding her head a bit.
When Rachel locked her gaze and returned the same look there was that silent understanding again. That look the two of them had shared a few times in Cleveland, the look that said there was no need to say anything. They were both on the same page, both seeing eye to eye. They knew what the other was thinking.
Tonight that look was saying that neither of them were ready for this night to end yet both were excited to see where this new beginning would lead.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
The next couple weeks were a whirlwind between the two girls. They spent the days at school stealing little glances and sharing secret smiles and spent the nights entangled in deep make out sessions between even deeper conversations. For once, Rachel didn't have to wonder what to think. Santana was telling her everything that was on her mind, how she felt, and what she wanted.
It was more beautiful than she could have ever imagined it would be and for the first time in her life she felt completely happy. No one at school teased her or threw slushies at her or ran into her on purpose. She had friends, she was in Glee club and they were getting better than ever, and she had Santana. Even if no one really knew about it, she had her. It would be nice to hold her hand as they walked through the hallway but as long as she had her at the end of the day, that's all that mattered.
"We have a test tomorrow" Rachel giggled softly where she lay on her bed with Santana, the taller girl was laying over her, nibbling along her neck playfully.
Santana smirked, humming against her neck before opening her lips to bite down on her skin lightly.
"San!" Rachel squealed out before another laugh escaped. She was protesting the best she could, but with a hand up the back of Santana's shirt, it wasn't a very good protest at all.
"Rach" Santana whispered softly as her lips lifted to speak into her ear. "You've known the material for weeks. You aren't worried about studying." Her lips brushed against Rachel's earlobe with every word she spoke.
Rachel's eyes closed as goosebumps prickled her skin. Santana made a good point, she was already prepared for the test. But now more than ever she was concerned with how Santana did with her grades too.
"San what about you? Are you ready?" Her question came out as more of a purr at the end when she felt Santana's lips wrap around her skin again.
Santana just nodded. She sucked gently at the bit of skin in her lips before letting her teeth scrape down her neck in a few tiny nibbles, making their way toward Rachel's waiting collarbone.
A heavy, satisfied sigh left Rachel's lips and she gave into the persistence that was Santana Lopez's very essence and allowed herself to enjoy it now. Her own fingers moved along the caramel skin of the Latina, sliding the length of her back before teasing just under the hooks of her bra then trickling back down until she met the dip just above where Santana's back met her hips.
Santana let out a moan herself when she felt the teasing touches from Rachel's small but skilled fingers. Even the slightest of touch warmed her to her very core. She had never been touched the way Rachel touched her. Just a brush of their arms in passing always ignited her senses.
She lifted her head from where she worked against Rachel's neck and smiled down at her when she saw the look on her face. "Enjoying yourself?"
Rachel opened her eyes at her voice and when she realized Santana was staring, she blushed a bright red color and shook her head a bit "Eh just a little. I guess."
"Liar! You looked like you were about to come from just me kissing you."
Rachel blushed even more. She was almost sure Santana had used that language on her just to see her blush "I was not."
"Well from my view it sure as Hell looked like it." Santana smirked.
"Obviously you've forgotten what it looks like when I am at the peak of my pleasure, then." Rachel returned the smirk, her arching an eyebrow, challenging Santana just as much as she was being challenged.
"Well," Santana shrugged, lifting a hand now to slide down along Rachel's neck, over her collar bone, along the side of her chest to trace the outer curve of one of her soft breasts "Maybe you should give me a reminder."
Rachel frowned a little bit. She suddenly felt guilty. Though the two of them had been together nearly every day since that night in Santana's room, they had not done much more than kissing. Santana had never pressured her for more, it seemed as if they both kind of understood there would be a wait. This was the first time Santana had even mentioned it.
"I don't know, San" Rachel said with a whisper. "I don't feel ready."
Santana had expected that. She honestly had been joking with her, she was almost sure Rachel had some sort of reservation. Even though she was not a virgin she still wanted to wait, Santana had sensed it.
"It's alright I was just kidding." Santana said softly, her gaze showing she was being honest.
Rachel nodded as her hand lifted and she ran her fingers along her soft cheek, pushing some of Santana's loose strands behind her ear "I want to and I care about you but there is just something that doesn't feel right yet."
"Rach, I know" Santana nodded, kissing her on the tip of the nose before she rolled off her and sat up. Truth was, she wasn't sure if she was ready either. Usually she would jump at the chance. It was obvious Santana hadn't ever really held sex on a pedestal with anyone, until Brittany. Now that she was starting all over, so to speak, she wanted to take her time and do it right. Something inside her wanted everything to be perfect. She cared about Rachel and she wanted to make sure she knew that before either of them rushed into anything more.
"You sure?" Rachel asked as she rolled to her side, propping herself up on her hand to look at Santana now, reading her face as she answered.
"Of course." Santana smiled her true smile, the one Rachel saw more and more each day. "Now, where were we?" She reached out and grabbed the notes Rachel had highlighted for her, settling back against the headboard as she flipped the page "Oh, right, precious metals."
Rachel smiled, staying on her side as she laid next to Santana, helping the girl go over her notes, making sure to point out what was already bolded, underlined, and highlighted so that Santana knew it was important.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
"Hi Santana!" Mercedes greeted the Latina with a surprised smile. The entire table looked up to see Santana looking down at them with an arched eyebrow.
"What?" Santana shrugged as she set down her tray and slid onto the bench next to Rachel.
Though Rachel and Santana had been seeing one another for nearly a month now, the two of them kept their distance at school. Of course they had chemistry together and Glee club, and they did ride together to school on occasion, but other than that they maintained what had pretty much been their normal relationship before, minus the insults of course. So when Santana had come over to the lunch table to join them that day, it caught everyone by surprise but no one more so than Rachel.
"We were just saying how cute your top is today" Kurt said with a casual smile.
"This?" Santana glanced down at herself. It was a shirt she had owned for so long but never worn. Now that she didn't wear her Cheerios uniform every day, she had the chance to dig deep into her wardrobe and express her very own style.
"Very cute. It's kind of a tough girl chic. Not bully, just bad ass with a bit of a soft side" Mercedes nodded then looked at Tina and Kurt who both agreed with a smile.
Santana shrugged, glancing to Rachel with a smile before looking at her food. Rachel had picked that shirt a week ago, saying it would bring out her eyes.
The group fell into a comfortable silence for a moment as they all took bites and focused on other things. It was nice to not have to talk all the time, Santana thought. She spent so much time in Glee with these people that she almost forgot what it was like to have a group of friends outside of rehearsal and she had to admit she liked them all a little more when they weren't arguing over solos. They really were a little family, as dysfunctional as they were.
Rachel hadn't started eating again since Santana had sat down. A smile had grown on her features and it had remained there as she propped her head up on her hand and stared at the beautiful girl next to her. This was epic, she thought. Santana Lopez was sitting at the Glee table, willingly, in public. Even more so, she was sitting next to Rachel Berry and not shying away or insulting her. Of course the two of them knew how close they got in private, but no one on the outside knew that so this scene must look a little mind blowing at the moment.
"So Rachel I had some costume ideas for our sectionals numbers. Can I come over tonight and show you my sketches?" Mercedes chimed in, breaking Rachel's train of thought and bringing her eyes off Santana since she had first sat down.
"Oh" Rachel said with a smile and a quick nod "Of course! I would love to see them." Even with a trip to Nationals the year before, the club still had very little funding and more often than not Mercedes, Kurt, and Rachel all had some say in the costumes they wore. It was nice to have a hand in it, it made it all the more intimate Rachel thought.
"We have that chemistry project due tomorrow, Rach" Santana said suddenly.
That had caught everyone's attention. Not the project part, but the Rach part. Did Santana really just call her Rach?
"Oh, shoot" Rachel sighed and shook her head "I almost forgot." She looked at Mercedes with a frown "Rain check? Tomorrow night, I promise. I totally forgot Santana was supposed to come over and help me finish gluing our sample elements to our display table for class tomorrow."
"Sure" Mercedes said with a shrug "We have a few weeks anyway so it's cool."
Rachel smiled then looked at Santana with a smile "The glue guns will be hot and ready promptly at seven tonight so don't be late or I will make sure the teacher knows who did most of the work."
Santana rolled her eyes, laughing softly. The truth was, even if they were dating, Rachel probably would tell the teacher she did most of the work if it meant kicking Santana into gear. Lucky for them, that hadn't happened yet. Actually, all of Santana's grades had improved over the past month.
"I'll be there" Santana mumbled and tried to fake being bored with it.
Rachel nodded and stood from the table "See you all at rehearsals!" Before she skipped off toward a trash can to dump her empty lunch tray.
Santana glanced over her shoulder as Rachel left, shaking her head with amusement before she looked back to her plate. It was then that she noticed all eyes on her and she shrugged "What?"
"Since when are you and Rachel friends?" Tina dared asked the question the rest of them had on their tongue.
Santana shrugged "We're lab partners in chemistry."
"You called her Rach" Kurt said as he sat back and folded his arms, looking a bit more suspicious than he had before.
Santana glanced at each pair of eyes on her now then shook her head "Whatever, we're friends. Is it so bad? I mean we've been teammates in Glee for three years now, it's about time we made peace right?"
"Mhm" Mercedes half nodded. She wasn't buying it but she would drop it for the moment.
"It has been nice not to have you two bickering all the time" Kurt said with a shrug, picking up his fork again.
"I think it's sweet" Tina said with a bright smile "I love how we are all so different but are all becoming friends."
Santana nodded "Yeah sure" She looked back at her food and poked it with her fork. For some reason she wasn't hungry any more. There was a strange feeling in her stomach. She wasn't sure if it was fear, guilt, or worry but it definitely wasn't good.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
There they were, sprawled out on Rachel's bed again. This time Rachel laid on top of Santana, a little friskier than usual, both hands up her shirt as her lips pulled hungrily against Santana's. Her fingers moved along her toned stomach and over her slender hips. She let her fingertips tease the lower curve of Santana's breasts by sneaking them just under the cup of the bra she wore before she would pull away and let her touch wonder lower over every curve of Santana's body until fingertips brushed against jean waistband.
Goosebumps were rising all over Santana's skin. The way Rachel was touching her now was something she hadn't felt since, well, the morning after the bathroom. It was not to say that Santana had not felt beautiful or wanted since that morning, but now with Rachel's hungry fingers so focused she felt irresistible.
"Rachel" Santana breathed out a heavy sigh between needing kisses from the smaller girl.
"Hmm?" Rachel made the questioning sound but did not speak, her lips sought out another deep kiss.
"Not that I am complaining," Santana started, turning her head now so Rachel couldn't kiss her and she could actually speak "But what's gotten into you?"
Rachel's mouth had been denied Santana's kiss, but that hadn't stopped her lips from kissing up and down the length of her neck as Santana spoke. When the question was posed now, she bit lightly at the skin she had been working on before pulling back to look down at her girlfriend "What do you mean?"
The bite gained a moan from Santana and she had to close her eyes to compose herself. Licking her lips, she let out another sigh and slowly brought her eyes open to meet Rachel's "I mean you are all over me right now. I've never seen you like this."
Rachel giggled a little, shrugging a shoulder as her fingers drug across Santana's stomach, using her nails to tease her nerves there slightly "I don't know. I think it was lunch today. You sat with us, you sat by me. You have no idea what that meant to me."
"About that" Santana said weakly, fighting the urge to arch her back up in silent asking for more contact from Rachel "I don't think I can do that again. They questioned me after you left and I choked."
Rachel blinked, pulling her hands out of Santana's shirt and sitting up now so she settled against Santana's legs. "What do you mean?"
Santana shrugged, propping herself up on her elbows now to bring herself a little more level with Rachel now "I guess I called you Rach and they asked me about it, they asked when we had become so close. I choked and said we were just lab partners then got defensive and asked if it was such a crime that we get along since we've been in Glee together for three years and all."
"Oh" Rachel said with a nod. She knew Santana wasn't out, neither was she, but to hear that Santana would be so defensive and even deny that they were friends definitely hurt.
"Shit" Santana sighed and dropped off her elbows, falling back against the mattress "I know, Rachel" She mumbled, looking up at the girl with guilt all over her face.
"No, it's fine" Rachel said with a shrug. What could she expect, really? She knew it couldn't last too long. She turned now, sliding off Santana and off the bed, walking over to her full length mirror to straighten out her clothes and pretend to be suddenly interested in how her hair looked.
"Rachel, come on, I know it's not fine." Santana rolled to her side, resting her head up on her hand as she watched Rachel pretending not to care. "I know, I am so emotionally stunted! It just comes out of me, I don't even realize I am doing it."
Rachel sighed and dropped her hands out of her hair, her eyes focusing on Santana through the reflection in the mirror. She knew it wasn't necessarily Santana's fault, she was so used to shutting everyone out. "San."
"I know" Santana sat up now, scooting to the edge of the bed closest to Rachel and meeting her eyes in the mirror.
Rachel folded her arms over her chest and slowly turned around now so she was facing the girl and not just looking at her through the mirror "I think that is what is holding me back."
"Back from what?" Santana arched an eyebrow genuinely confused now because they hadn't been talking about anything holding Rachel back from anything.
"From being with you, you know, physically." Rachel rubbed her arm nervously as she chewed her bottom lip.
Santana's brow knitted together in a frown and her head gave a shake "I don't get it. We weren't even talking about sex."
"No, I know. But I think I figured it out just now. I am so afraid that this, that you and I, is just a dream or something you know? And what if I give you my all and we get intimate and reach that deep level where there is no turning back and then suddenly you get afraid again and you start second guessing yourself and us and all of it?" Rachel knew it sounded over dramatic, but that was kind of her M.O. wasn't it? "I couldn't handle that sort of rejection."
Santana opened her mouth quickly to say that would never happen, but the words never made it. Truth was, she did still find herself scared at times. She still worried what people would think if they knew she was gay. She still feared being made fun of or talked about behind her back and Rachel wasn't too far off in fearing that Santana might one day back track just so she didn't have to admit that she was in fact gay.
"What are you saying?" Santana finally asked after a moment of trying to deny what Rachel had just admitted to fearing.
Rachel shrugged "I know you're not ready to come out. I'm not either, really." She gripped the bottom of her shirt now, tangling the material in her fingers as she stood awkwardly in front of Santana for the first time in a month.
Santana sighed.
Rachel bit her lip.
They were stuck again. Santana had been halted by her inability to show any sort of vulnerable emotion to anyone and Rachel was stuck not having a solution to the problem. She hated that feeling.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Both girls jumped. Rachel was suddenly glad she had not been on top of Santana at the moment.
"Come in!" Rachel called out, her voice squeaking a little when she spoke because of the start she had just been given.
She expected one of her dads but as the door opened she saw it was neither of them.
"Mercedes?" Rachel arched an eyebrow as the diva stepped into her room.
"Hi guys. I know you two are doing school work and I won't be long. I just wanted to drop off my sketches anyway." Mercedes lifted a folder that contained the papers before over exaggeratedly setting them on the desk near the window.
"Oh. Thank you. I will go over them later." Rachel said with a smile.
Mercedes nodded. She looked between Rachel and Santana, noticing the Latina hadn't said a word since she walked in. "Did I interrupt something?"
"No!" Santana said quickly
"Not at all" Rachel agreed with a shake of her head "I was just looking for more glue sticks."
Mercedes nodded again, slowly, her eyes shifting between the two of them in a subtly suspicious way. "Where are your glue guns?"
"Downstairs" Rachel said quickly. "We just came up here to get more glue, we were heading back down as soon as I found them."
Santana nodded so fast she looked like a bobble head.
Mercedes once more nodded slowly, her eyes still shifting between the two "But your dad said you two had been locked away in your room all afternoon, mentioned checking on you an hour ago to bring you snacks. Said I should just go on up because you were in here."
"Oh, you must have heard him wrong" Rachel started.
Mercedes looked at the table near the bed now and saw the tray of sandwiches her dad had mentioned.
Rachel followed her gaze and when she saw the tray she knew she was busted.
Santana caught on when she saw Rachel's face fall. Damn her dad and his knack for feeding her every time they studied.
Mercedes slowly looked back at Rachel, then Santana, then nodded "Right."
"So" Rachel clapped, moving around her bed now to Mercedes. She put her hand on her shoulder and started to reach for the door "I will look over the sketches and get back to you tomorrow! See you later."
Mercedes didn't budge and instead folded her arms and looked between the two girls again "You two have been acting weird for a while now and I know a thing or two about hiding something."
"Hiding what?" Santana said quickly, standing now from the bed and shaking her head "Nothing, nope. Just two lab partners doing lab partner things!"
Mercedes folded her arms and gave a sassy little head bob now "Please, Santana. I can see right through it. You haven't insulted Rachel all year and trust me those yellow boots with that pink belt was screaming for an insult."
"Hey! I liked those boots." Rachel huffed, folding her arms.
"Girl please, they were hideous. Someone had to tell you."
"So what?" Santana held up her hand as she jumped in, stopping what she was sure would be a bickering match between the two divas. "I haven't made fun of her clothes, big deal. Maybe I've grown up and matured?"
Mercedes wasn't buying it and her half pursed lips and blank stare told that much.
"We made peace" Rachel said quickly "Decided fighting all the time was pointless."
"Mhm and how come neither one of you gives two hoots about Finn and Brittany dating?" Mercedes glanced between the two girls again.
"Well Finn and I have been over all summer. We just wanted two different things. I told him we should just be friends."
"Yeah and Britt broke up with Artie a long time ago, she is free to date who she wants, why would I care?" Santana shrugged.
"Girl you always care what she be doing. And Finn and you just friends?" Mercedes glanced at Rachel with a look like she had just tried to prove Santa exists "You been all over that boy since the first day he walked into the Glee club and you expect me to just accept that answer?"
"It's true" Rachel said with a frown.
Mercedes glanced between the girls again and shook her head "Nu uh, something is going on. Listen I ain't here to judge or nothing I just want to let you know you better be more careful or people are gonna take notice."
"What?" Santana asked, her voice suddenly weak.
Mercedes nodded, pointing to Rachel then to Santana "you two are raising red flags. Like I said, I know something about hiding stuff and you two are acting really strange."
It was Rachel that spoke up to deny it now "We aren't hiding anything. Besides how would you know, you've never hidden a thing in your life. Everyone always knows what you are thinking or feeling. It's an admirable quality to have."
Mercedes shrugged and a bit of a cocky smirk came to her lips "It's still on the DL because we be that good about it, but Sam and I have been dating all summer."
Rachel smiled, Santana's jaw dropped. Okay, so they were good at hiding it because she hadn't expected that.
"That is so cute!" Rachel squeaked.
Mercedes laughed and that happy little smile came to her lips as she shrugged "Yeah. He's a really sweet guy, we have fun together, he makes me laugh."
"Aww" Rachel couldn't control herself and she hugged Mercedes tightly.
"Yeah yeah just don't tell no one yet. We want to keep it private while we work on getting to know each other." Mercedes patted Rachel's back, her eyes on Santana as she spoke.
Santana nodded. It was as if she had seen right through her soul and the words had been directed more toward her than anyone.
Rachel pulled back from the hug and looked at Santana with a smile.
"Anyway" Mercedes pushed her hair off her shoulder and looked at the girls again "Like I said, whatever you two got going on you better be careful. People are already starting to talk and unless you are ready to explain it you better play it cool."
Rachel nodded her head and looked at Santana. The Latina looked a little guilty, her chewing her lip. Her mind was racing now. She managed to nod, though, smiling at Mercedes "Thanks."
Mercedes nodded again "Mhm" and now she turned and reached for the door knob. She stopped before pulling it open and looked back at the girls again, her smile was soft and tender, the look on her face almost seemed like she already knew what was going on and she was silently giving her blessing "You two seem happy. I hope for your sake, whatever you two are up to, it keeps up because it's really nice."
Rachel half smiled and nodded at the girl "Thank you" She said softly, exchanging a look with her one last time before she left the room.
The door latched closed and Rachel turned toward Santana, her smile she had been wearing melted away instantly when she saw the look on Santana's face.
"San? Are you alright?" She moved quickly to her girlfriend.
Santana's knuckles were white with the grip she had on the bedpost. Her face was pale. She looked like she had seen a ghost.
"Hey" Rachel whispered, shaking her head a little bit as she rubbed Santana's back slowly, laying her chin on her shoulder so she could speak to her softly "It's alright. We can back up a little bit, alright? I'll even let you insult me in public tomorrow so people will stop being suspicious." Her heart ached, but she knew that the fear Santana was now paralyzed with was worse than a little bit of pain that a verbal lashing would cause. Besides, she would write the insult so it would be creative and witty and so she knew it hadn't come directly from Santana so it would hurt less.
She laid a kiss against Santana's shoulder, her hand still rubbing briskly over her back to try and soothe her. "It's okay, San. I will take care of this. After tomorrow no one will suspect a thing."