Phil sat in silence for what seemed like hours, and Dan just waited. He was used to waiting, though this was the worst kind. This was the kind of waiting that left Dan unsure, unaware of what would happen after. And finally, the wait was over. "Tell me why." Phil said simply. "It's so hard to explain." Dan said slowly, but he had spoken the truth. "Do you know what Dan? I don't give two fucks how hard it is. Just tell me why." Phil was angry, angry enough to have sworn. Then, Phil looked back into Dan's eyes and saw the pain once more. "I'm sorry. I just.. don't know what to do. What to say." "There.. there is no reason." "Bull. That is bull. Tell me." Phil became angry again, but not as much as before, "No. You listen to me, Phil, please. Please just listen. I didn't do this because I wanted to hurt you, I did this because I had to. Do you understand that? I had to. I ti sickening and it is horrifying to admit, but I had to. There was no trigger. I had to do it." "I.. I don't understand." Phil was speaking softly now. "Just... I don't understand why." "Do you not get it?" Dan's voice began to crack, a tear rolled down his cheek. "This is something I have had to live with for years. Years. I have to do it, to get me through the day. Each and every day. It hurts, yes, but I feel better after. For a while. Then I have to do it again. It is what I do. To stay as strong as I can be." "This is not strong." Phil said, there was something that sounded stubborn, even a little arrogant in his voice. "Don't say that." The tears came quicker, and Dan's voice began to waver. "Please don't say that. This may not be the strong you want me to be, but this is better than before. Before.. before I did things that sent me into hospital. Like overdoses. Like drink. Like getting into fights. Do you know how it feels to be punched so hard it feels like they have punched through your entire chest? Do you know what it feels like to spend days on a drip, being treated like an idiot by nurses and doctors? Do you know how it feels to throw up for weeks? Go through liver test after liver test? Therapy after therapy? To come out at the end, a little better, but no where near the 'strong' they said I would be." Now Dan became angry, his voice growing louder as the tears fell faster. "Don't tell me this isn't strong. Don't say it. Don't tell me that. I made a promise because I did not want to hurt you. I broke it, and instantly I knew it would do so. Do you know how that makes me feel? Worthless. Completely worthless. Do you know why I feel that way? Because I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU. BUT I CAN'T DO IT WITH YOU WITHOUT YOU UNDERSTANDING." He was shouting at the top of his lungs, and then he broke down into loud sobs. Phil, instinctively, held Dan once more, whilst he wept. "I.." He said, but his voice fell short . "I'm sorry. So so sorry." He whispered into Dan's ear, rocking him slowly. "No!" Dan pushed Phil away, his voice close to screaming point. "Don't you apologise. I know it is me. Don't you apologise, I should be the one apologising. I should be the one to blame. I did this to me. I do this to me." His voice grew silent all of a sudden. "I'm sorry Phil." His voice was little more than a breath, and he collapse into Phil's arms once more. Dan continued sobbing almost an hour, and Phil could do nothing but hold him. When Dan had stopped, Phil said quietly "Why didn't you text me? Call me? I might have.. been able to stop you." Even in his condition, Dan managed a sad half smile. "Because I don't know when that point is." Then, Dan fell asleep on Phil's chest. Phil looked down, and he was momentarily filled with joy, Dan's face was content as a child dreaming, he was safe for now.