Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach
Rating: PG for extremely twisted logic
Genre: Humor/Weirdness
Characters: Hitsugaya Matsumoto (Hitsugaya POV)
The Universe and How to Live in it
Most people say I have no sense of humor, they couldn't be more wrong it's just that most people either don't understand it or can't appreciate it, take this as a for instance.
xOx
One time I was doing paperwork and getting bored with it… well more bored than normal anyway, so I decided to have a little fun with Matsumoto specifically messing with her head, which is a very entertaining activity.
"Hey Matsumoto" I said "I bet you that I can prove conclusively to you that everything you thought about the Universe is wrong."
Matsumoto looked slightly miffed by my statement "I'm not stupid" she said "I guarantee that you can't and if you do then I'll do two weeks worth of paperwork."
I grinned knowing exactly how this was going to end "Deal, I will now prove everything you know about the universe wrong simply by giving its specifications."
"Specifications?" she asked "what exactly do you mean by that?"
"The sort of specifications you give a country you area, imports, exports, population etc. etc. shall I start?"
She gave me a nod which of course was all the invitation I needed.
I began "I'll start with area and move on from there okay?
AREA: Infinity
I'll give you an idea of what infinity is okay? Infinity is bigger than huge it's a million times bigger than huge and then some, massive multiplied by staggeringly gigantic multiplied by stunningly colossal multiplied by so awesomely huge you'll go insane if you try to think about it, is the kind of point I'm trying to get across.
IMPORTS: None
It's not possible to import things into an infinite area because there's no outside to import form.
EXPORTS: None
See Imports.
POPULATION: this is where it gets confusing, NONE
It is a known and accepted fact that there are an infinite number of worlds, for the simple reason that there's an infinite amount of space to put them in. However not all of them are inhabited. Therefore there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds and therefore by definition an infinite number of uninhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as is mathematically possible, so the average population of all planets in the Universe is zero. It follows from this that the average population of the whole Universe is also zero and that any people you happen to meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
CURRENCY: None
Actually there are four currencies that we know of that are freely convertible but they don't count. The US dollar and the Euro collapsed recently therefore banks refuse to exchange them. The Russian Ruble is worth so little that it is only exchangeable for other Russian Rubles. And finally there is a very unusual currency from Southeast Asia that has its own problems. Its exchange rate of ten Mals to one Su is easy enough to understand, but since the Mal is a diamond shaped wooden coin which is forty feet on each side no one has ever collected enough to own one Su. And Mals are not negotiable because Banks refuse to deal in such small change. From this premise it is possible to prove that banks are also products of a deranged imagination
ART: None
The function of art is to hold a mirror to nature and there simply is no mirror big enough- see AREA
SEX: None
Well actually there is quite a bit of this mainly because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, art or anything else that might keep the nonexistent people of the Universe occupied, I was actually referring to gender there being no people in the universe there is by definition no gender either."
I grinned at her "so" I said "any questions?"
Matsumoto shook her head slowly looking as though she had a headache "You win" she said "but since there are no people in the Universe there is no paperwork either because there is no one to create it in the first place… so bye."
So it was very entertaining and all but I still ended up doing my own paperwork