A/N: You thought I was going away, didn't you? Well… not really. I'm never leaving. ^^
I.
Zira circled around her sex symbol Kovu.
"You… are… THE SEXY. Nice, very nice. You have the same gayness in your balls blah blah."
"I will avenge Scar… sex Simba up in the Pride lands, Simba is my destiny, I must DO him!"
The lionesses roared in agreement.
"We're getting paid overtime, right Zira?" One asked.
Meanwhile in the Pride lands…
Rafiki held a hand out to Kiara. "Remember… take a peek inside your mother's purse."
"Dur, OK! Mummy, may I please be allowed to hunt on my own? Pretty stupid please?"
"All right." Simba consented. "Just don't get mad when I send Timon and Pumbass after you."
They nuzzled and she ran off.
Shemp turned to his two bumbling goons. "Make sure she doesn't get mated."
Nuka and Vitani…
"Yeesh, this place is even gayer then when the hyena drug dealers took off."
"Yeah, whatever, let's just get high before we go do Mama's plot thing."
They stuck their heads over a lava-filled trench and got high off the fumes.
In the Pride lands…
"A hunting I will go! A hunting I will go!" The intended herds perked their ears. "Hi-ho… huh?"
"Oh." Timon grinned at Kiara sheepishly. "We're, uh… we're not here. It's only a mirage!"
"My mummy sent you, didn't she? After she promised not to see you both, she lied!"
"Nah, Shemp just doesn't want you to be used as a total plot device."
"Pumbaa, if I don't come back…" her eyes widened on the stunned warthog. "Use deodorant."
Kiara ran off.
"Man, somebody get something for this PMS-bound kid!"
Zira and Kovu watched as the Pride lands got lit with fire.
"Those flames are laced with a special chemical of testosterone, perfect for your destiny."
Kovu thinking: I wonder if Kiara will have tacos back at her place? Oh, right, my destiny.
"Go!"
He went.
Kiara stopped to stare at the flames rising. "Ooo. Pretty colors! I wonder if it tastes like tacos."
Vitani, hidden behind a rock, shouted out. "Get moving you bimbo!"
"Oh… fire can talk?"
"Run!"
"Tacos!" Kiara ran for a cliff. "I bet if I follow the moving salsa, it will lead me to them."
She fainted on impact upon making it to the top.
Kovu met her up there. "Wow… from this angle she looks like a burrito. Oh, right, destiny calls."
He scooped her up on his back and made for a large body of water before falling into it.
Zazu spotted them from the air. "Hmm… I'm almost sure that's a giant burrito. No, wait, it's-."
The bird got caught up in the fumes and went off to look for a mate.
"Where… where am I?"
"You're… not Mexican cuisine."
"What… no tacos?! Hey, where's your green card? Are you trying to make me the minority?"
Kovu scoffed. "I think I'm the one that immigrated over here illegally."
Kiara whirled around. "Then move back to Alaska!"
They confronted each other again and again.
"Kovu?"
"You were expecting a rogue of lesser hotness than me?"
Simba jumped in at that moment. "KIAR- oh wait, you're a male lion."
They roared at each other anyway.
Rafiki called down to them. "Hey, you down there! How dare you flirt with the king's daughter."
Shemp's eyes lit up at the idea of a male lion with Kiara. This could be my chance!
Kiara's eyes lit up at the thought of Kovu thinking she was smart. This could be my chance!
Timon danced around with his eyes screwed shut. I think I'm going to wet my pants!
Zazu interceded. "Yes, sire, it would appear the rogue is straight."
"Hmm… have you ever lived in a society inhabited with STD's and gay lions?"
"Nope."
"Well, you're male, that's good enough for me!"
"So… Daddy," Kiara turned to Nala. "Taco time?"
She sighed. "All right, we'll stop by Taco Bell on the way home."
On the cliff of Pride Rock…
Kiara walked over to the edge. "Um… hey, thanks for not questioning my smartness today."
"Huh, what kind of lioness are you anyway? You don't smoke, or drink or anything."
"Wanna make love?"
"No… I want to be left alone."
"Oh… uh, Kovu."
"Yeah.
"I'd like you to teach me to be smart." Kiara left his side. "Now what was I doing? Tacos?"
Nuka stared in disbelief. "Did you see that? He almost made love to her! If that were me-."
"Hush! Kovu professed to be straight and Simba fell for it. Now, well, it'll become apparent."
"Hey," Pumbaa suddenly appeared beside Nuka. "What's cookin' good lookin'?"
"Who are you?"
"The answer to all your problems. They call me… the pig of love." He made smooching noises.
To be continued…