Beta-Reader's Notes: I am so sorry. I've had this chapter on my computer for like… two months now! TurtleChan has already written like three more chapters (and they are incredibly funny, I must say), and I'm just now beta-reading this one. Shame. Shame on me, especially since I promised I wouldn't do something like that again! You can all officially hate me now.
Disclaimer: TurtleChan had this wonderful rhyme for you all… But I thought it was more likely to incite lawsuits then prevent them, so I had to get rid of it. I'm so boring; I'm going to make you all suffer through a standard disclaimer. Take a look at this story lawyers… Does it look like we own Dragon Knights!
Secret Stuff for Stalking People (to the Extreme)
By: TurtleChan
FINALLY Beta-Read By: Sarehptar
"She hates me!" Kharl tossed aside the daisy's last white petal and shouted in outrage. Slumping lifelessly, he tossed the plucked stem aside and mumbled, dejected, "She really hates me?"
"Of course. Surprising isn't it, how I knew that all along?" Kharl's pale eyes darted up to land on his tiny tan assistant. Garfakcy, black suit immaculate, chuckled darkly. Kharl, determined not to give up on his tragic love, seized another flower from the innocent neighborhood shrub. "Are you still in Kindergarten?" Green eyes flashing in annoyance, the tri-color haired young man crossed his arms and scowled pointedly. Kharl, eyes half filled with rejected-teen tears, ignored his little assistant and began plucking the pale petals again.
"She hates me not..." He droned.
Garfakcy sighed and wandered into the other room. With a quick glance to assure his boss would not sudden burst into room, the short man whipped out a Dell laptop, using his dark sleeve to muffle the "Booting Up" noises. Swiftly, he clicked on the mouse, bringing up the site he had set as his homepage: a lilac and white fiasco, coated with pictures of Kharl. Across the top, in a color coordinated letter and shiny font, was the anachronism: KKK.
"SHE HATES ME!" The love struck soap star wailed pitifully, causing Garfakcy to jump in fright and slam the laptop's lid closed. Pleasantly, as if he had been innocently observing Kharl's furniture, he waited.
"She hates me, she hates me not..." Kharl went back to slaughtering the flora. Garfakcy sighed exaggeratedly in relief and jerked the computer open again. In the corner of the hideously pastel page, a chibi Kharl pointed out a log-in box. With the 100 words per minute skill of a personal assistant, he typed in his KKK username and password. A doctored and mechanical version of Kharl's voice squeaked over the speakers.
"Welcome Mad Maid. You have one unread message." Garfakcy raised an eyebrow and removed his sleeve from where it had been placed to muffle the noise. Curious, he click the floating envelope icon. With swift and well-programmed actions, the tiny envelope grew large and folded outward to display its message.
Dear Mad Maid,
We are dissatisfied with our last meeting with Kharl. It was not what you promised darling, and we in the Cult division have to determined to withhold the promised funds until we given a better opportunity to shamelessly take pictures of our favorite stalkee. Hope to hear from you again darling!
Regards,
Cernozura
KKK, Cult Branch President
"Damn." The little man-maid shut the computer once more with a snap and glared in the direction of his boss's room.
"She loves me not…"
Silk slowly walked down the street, humming to herself and enjoying the pale morning sunshine. A nice day. A nice Kharl-free day. Suddenly she could hear rapid footsteps pounding behind her. As the actress quickened her pace, the footsteps picked up too. Then, without warning, dozens of zombie-like Kharl dolls leapt out from trashcans, bushes, the mailbox. She let a blood-curdling scream when she realized just what they were chanting:
"Silk..."
"GOOD MORNING!" The howl of her perky alarm clock jerked the blonde from her nightmare with a gasp of fear. A thin, cold bead of sweat trembled down her temple. "Today should be nice and sunny with temperatures of--oh!" The weatherwoman on the radio sighed overly dramatically and then screeched, "Screw the weather! Let's talk about The Pearl and the paintball shoot out!"
"Let's not and say we did." Silk groaned, switching off the alarm clock radio. Last night seemed like eternity away, but she could still the stains of blue and green paint in her once beautiful blonde strands.
"Silk, breakfast is ready downstairs-" Cesia called, entering the room with a knock.
"Thank you Cesia. I'll be down soon." She sighed, thoughtlessly running her hands through her hair.
"-and, there is a phone call waiting for you." Cesia continued, scurrying out of the room to avoid having to answer her boss's obviously question: who would be calling this early? Silk reached for the phone on her nightstand; quickly she pressed the 'talk' button.
"Hello?"
"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you... You're like Heaven to touch...I wanna hold you soo much!"
Silk froze in fear. She recognized that awful voice! Howling, the actress slammed down the off button and hurled the offending appliance across the room. It couldn't have been…
"Ms. Silk, are you alright?"
"Yes Cesia." Silk climbed off the bed and walked over to her dresser. Still shivering in what she hoped was unnecessary fear. Sliding the drawer out and pawing through the neatly folded pairs of pants, the green-eyed woman froze again when, suddenly, the phone rang. As if in a horror movie, Silk, moving almost in slow motion, turned her head toward the phone that lay across the room.
"Ms. Silk! It's for you," Cesia yelled from downstairs.
Silk trembled, forcing herself towards the phone. She clenched the phone like a ticking bomb, and ignored the cold sweat that had returned since waking, she pressed the talk button and lifted the grey plastic receiver to her ear.
"Hello?"
"I LOVE YOU BABY! AND IF IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, I NEED YOU BABY!"
Silk hurried to hang up the phone.
"UGH!" In one mighty throw, she shot it out the fifth story window into the traffic jam below. Exasperated, she slammed her window and hurried downstairs.
"Last night... was… awful." Rune droned, stumbling into their communal living room. His hair looked like playful rats had had their way with it, and his green gel eye mask swung useless from one ear. Across the room, Rath waved weakly from the couch.
"Killlerrrr headache..." Rath moaned and reached up to brush the bangs from his eyes, succeeding only in tumbling off the couch pathetically. "Ow..."
Suddenly one of the bedroom doors rolled open, and a wild (more wild than normal) haired Thatz clung to the doorframe.
"Hang...over..."
Rune caught sight of his friend's bedraggled appearance managed to groan one word: "Make...over..."
"Does anyone remember what happened last night?" Rath whimpered, clutching his head.
"Kharl...Paint...Silk...KKK...Mysterious tea from cult girl…" Thatz groaned weakly clambering into their safe kitchen area.
Rune glanced at the watch he'd forgotten to take off last night. For a few moments, the numbers spun uselessly in his cloudy eyes, but then his vision settled and he realized: "Holy HAIRDRESSER, I'm late for work!"
"You're not seriously going to go to work with a hangover are you?" Rath questioned from his flat position on the floor. His hands weren't well enough to pick him up yet. Rune ignored him and rushed out their front door—mangled clothes, disaster hairdo, and hangover all horribly in place.
"There's nothing to eat." Thatz complained from beside the mini-fridge. "I'm gonna get dressed and go grocery shopping. Wanna come?"
"You don't have work today?"
"My case resolved itself early. You coming?" The red-headed young man wandered back into the living room.
"No, I'm still a little hazy from last night. You go ahead." Rath's reply was muffled by the carpet.
"Kharl, you have a package here!" Garfakcy called from the front door, and dragged the fairly large box into the stairs dining room. With a huge heave, the tiny assistant managed to force it onto the main table. Kharl wandered into the room, whistling happily and waving a pair of box cutters. With a quick swipe, he tore the box up and admired its contents. "What's in it?" Garfakcy stood on his tippy toes to try and see over the top edge. Kharl the jerked the flaps shut and clutched the package to his chest.
"Nothing... Absolutely nothing!"
Garfakcy caught sight of the red letters printed on the side of the cardboard box. Blinking, he realized they said: Secret Stuff for Stalking People to the EXTREME!
"Kharl, why does the box say 'Secret Stuff for Stalking People to the EXTREME?'"
Kharl could no longer stand secrecy and burst. "I got this equipment to spy on Silk." As soon as he heard it, the little assistant shook his head and turned to walk away.
"I don't even wanna hear about it."
"Come on Garfakcy! This stuff is really expensive, and it's really cool too!" Kharl grinned like a child with a puppy. Garfakcy turned back around to face him.
"What did you get exactly?"
"Well, I have a checklist here. So let's just run off the list, shall we? Night vision goggles, bungee cords, cameras, flashlights, a high tech. computer with the latest in tracking software-"
"Ok, enough! I knew I didn't want to hear. Your stalking Silk makes me sick. How pathetic are you man!" Garfakcy growled.
"But I love her!"
"Well she doesn't love you." The tri-color haired manager barked and wandered off into the other room.
Kharl stood there for a moment in silence, and reached into his back pocket and pulled out an old leather wallet. He slowly flipped it open, admiring the faded photograph trapped inside. They'd taken that picture years ago… With kindergarten class.
"...I love her..."
"When will you be back, Miss?" Cesia called from the front steps as Silk started the engine of her MINI mini.
"I'm going to my hairdresser to get this awful mess fixed. I'll probably be back in a few hours." She swiftly put the car in reverse and began to pull out of the driveway. Halfway to the corner, she flicked on the radio knob. The voices began blaring just as she reached a stop sign.
"Requests and dedications now! K-Earth ONE - O - ONE! Who do you want this song to go out to?"
"I would love to dedicate this song to my beloved Silk-" The blonde's eyes jerked to her dashboard as if it had suddenly come to life. She slammed on the gas pedal and sped her way down the street, successfully blowing away several innocent joggers. Her already terrified heart skipped a beat when the dedicated song started playing.
"There she was just a walkin' down the street, singing doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo!"
Silk could take no more of it and desperately flicked the knob to another station.
"This is Karaoke Hour, at your station for the best tunes--90.7!"
Silk jerked the MINI mini to a stop at a red light and waited impatiently, drumming her fingers on the wheel.
"I KNOW YOU WANNA LEAVE ME, BUT I REFUSE TO LET YOU GOOO! IF I HAVE TO BEG, PLEAD, FOR YOUR SYMPATHY, I DONT MIND...'CAUSE YOU MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME! AIN'T TO PROUD TO BEG-"
Could it be? Kharl! She howled dreadfully to herself. "-SWEET DARLING! PLEASE DONT LEAAAVE ME GIIIIRLLL-"
It is him! She thought, and she frantically changed the station again. God, he's everywhere!
"Todos los dias... Todos los dias..."
"I never thought I would be happy to hear the Spanish channel, but I guess I was wrong." Silk let free a small sigh of relief, which was bound to be shattered by the next line-
"ME GUSTA SILK, TODOS LOS DIAS!"
He was everywhere, even on the Spanish station! This will not freak me out. He cannot be on two channels at once. I'll just change to FM radio… She tried to keep the wheel straight as she zoomed around the corner.
"Hello! This is Jamie and Danny and you're listening to STAR 98.7!"
Please save me, Jamie and Danny...
"So, how long have you loved this woman?" The radio genius Danny questioned their caller.
"I have loved her ever since we were little; childhood sweethearts you know."
"Does she love you back?" Jamie asked curiously.
Silk waited for a reply. It sounded like Kharl… It whined like Kharl… But it could have been just another sad and lonely depressed person with no one to talk to, right?
"She said she doesn't, but I will be willing to do anything."
"That is so cheesy dude! What's this chick's name again?" Danny laughed.
"Silk..."
The actress looked back at the road suddenly, and was forced to spin the wheel completely around to avoid oncoming traffic. Like an expert Yoga student, she took a deep breath and pulled into the salon's parking lot. Frozen, not quite willing to believe Kharl had suddenly managed to get himself onto every channel of the radioat once, she sat dumbfounded at the wheel.
"Silk eh? Sounds like a hair product. Is this the famous Silk all the girls hate because Kharl loves her?" Jamie paused and then her voice grew suddenly more excited. "Are you Kharl?" She questioned.
"I am Kharl. And I-"
"Oh my God! Let's do lunch sometime dud-" Danny broke Kharl's monologue and then was interrupted himself when Jamie slammed into the conversation.
"Why would he have lunch with you, when he knows he could have dinner with me?" Jamie screeched over the microphone.
"Don't get snappy with me!" Danny shouted back.
Silk couldn't take anymore and switched it off. She grabbed her purse and slowly exited the car; slamming the door shut. She glanced back over her shoulder to the dark side of the MINI mini.
He's loved me since childhood, eh? That is such a lie.
"Where have you been?" The manager of Daring Dragon's hair salon snapped coldly, a long pale hand planted awkwardly on his hip. Rune glanced up and down at his boss, and raised a messy eyebrow at him.
"I'm sorry Tetheus… I totally overslept and I mean... Is ten minutes such a big deal?" Sleepily, the elfin-like boy shrugged and walked over to his station of hairdryers, hairsprays, and brushes.
"Just don't let me catch you being late again!" Tetheus sighed dramatically. Suddenly their conversation was put on hold as the door swung open. Tetheus broke free of his momentary shock. "Silk, darling!" Rune froze.
"It has been awhile Tetheus, how are you?" The bedraggled actress grinned weakly.
"Sad like always. Rune is here today, so he will assist you over there." Tetheus pointed in Rune's direction. Like a perfect gentleman, the blond boy swung out the plastic covered chair and let her sit.
Runes hands were shaking violently as he pulled the black apron over her clothes and lifted her hair out. "What can I do for you today Miss S-silk?" He said, trying to sound casual.
"I want my hair a totally different color, to fix this awful paint mix. I don't care what it is, as long as it isn't blonde! Just work your magic!"
"O-okay..." The pale hairdresser tried his best to sound confident.
"I'll be out for a while Garfakcy!" Kharl grinned brightly and shut the door of her pale blue MINI mini. The back of the poor tiny car was jammed with his "equipment". Never know when their might be a sudden Silk sighting! The car pulled nicely into a grocery store parking space that dwarfed it. The lilac-haired actor fiddled with the knobs on the Silk-Sensor at his waist and double-checked the sound system in his ear piece. This wasn't the biggest town, and Silk could be close!
Thatz browsed the aisles of the supermarket and began plucking items off the shelves.
Kharl wandered through the vegetable section, toying with his ear piece. Was that? Yes it was! A conversation between Silk and her hairdresser! Suddenly the piece vibrated with a feminine scream.
"AHHHHHHHH! What have you done to my hair?" Silk shrieked, catching sight of a ruby red haired woman in the mirror before her.
"You said something different," Rune grinned weakly.
"I might have said 'something different' but I didn't mean for you to turn me into a drag queen!" Silk stammered as she lifted herself up from the salon chair. "I'm not paying for this disastrous hair color! I refuse!"
Suddenly Tetheus came running from the back to attend to Silk. "What in the holy name of Head n' Shoulders have you done to our dear customer?"
"She said 'something different'!" Rune whimpered, as he began putting his colors away.
"It looks MARVELOUS!" Tetheus beamed, bending to hug the unfortunate actress.
"WHAT?" Rune and Silk shouted.
"Yes, yes! It's daring! It's bold… It indeed looks fabulous, darling! And you don't have to worry about the price or anything, it is all on us!" He grinned, placing a hand on his hip and winking. Interrupting their little moment, Rune tossed one of his products in the trash bin with an audible "thunk".
"Tetheus, we're out of Rippin', Ragin' Red hair dye." Tetheus sighed to himself.
"Weren't we full last week?"
"No, I used it on Thatz when he came in."
"Oh alright, I'll run to the grocery store to get some." Rune blinked as he heard the origin of his commonly used dye. As the dramatic and suspiciously friendly manager began walking away, he waved goodbye to Silk. "Call me darling, we'll do tea sometime!"
So hungry, must eat. Thatz's stomach began to growl as he wandered down the toiletry aisle. Weakly, the Rippin' Ragin' Red head lawyer put a tube of toothpaste in his cart. At the sudden sound of a familiar footstep, his russet eyes darted up quickly. "Kharl?" Could it really be him? Thatz rubbed his eyes, thinking it could be some sort of mirage, but no, there was his lilac-haired goodness in the flesh!
Entering the grocery store, Tetheus removed his sunglasses, allowing his dark eyes to adjust to the indoor light. Suddenly, he spotted someone. Someone with lilac hair, pale eyes, and an angry scowl. Kharl. Kharl beating on a store Coke machine, howling about a lost dollar.
"Stupid FANTA!" Kharl screeched. Finally the bottle clunked down into the slot, and Kharl grinned happily. Singing the Fanta theme lightly under his breath, the pale actor pushed his grocery filled cart toward the cashier's stand.
Sneakily, Thatz hurried over to the checkout line that Kharl was toddling toward, number 6. Before he could get there to offer his services to the angelic Soap star, an excruciatingly tall cashier popped out from underneath the register with a bright, cheery smile on his face. Wait… that cashier looked awfully familiar… Wait a second! Isn't that Tetheus, Rune's manager? It is--the bitch!
Kharl had moved into the next aisle, but that didn't stop Tetheus from calling him over. That Kharl freak Tetheus must have stolen an apron to make people think he's a cashier! Thatz growled and began to stomp in the perky manager's direction. Tetheus paused in his calling to glance at the name tag plaster on his new uniform. How was it pronounced? 'Laqweesha'?
Unfortunately for the obsessed hairdresser, his calls of "Kharl-chan!" had alerted the other shop workers to Kharl's presence. Swiftly, they swarmed the cashier's spot in register 6, trying to overthrow Tetheus and be the one to serve Kharl. Autograph hunters. The tall dark-haired man hissed to himself. With a skill that could only be gained through intensive cosmetic study, he bare-boxed the crowd of employees to the ground. Patting the non-existent dust from his hands, he called to Kharl once again. With a half sigh of defeat, the star turned and clambered up to Tetheus' register.
"Price check on hottie." The hairdresser grinned cheekily, and secretly kicked the unconscious bodies away from his feet. Kharl blinked, suddenly very frightened of the taller man.
"Uh sorry-" Kharl peered at the name tag, "-Laqweesha, but I don't swing that way."
"OH, but I do!" Tetheus squealed. I KNEW it. Thatz growled as he hurried toward them. Rune didn't believe me, and here's the proof! Stay away from Kharl you haircutting loser! I'll save you Jimmy! Thoughtfully, the possibly-a-thief-but-hiding-it red head crept over to the 'Staff Only' door. What he needed was-AHA! A light switch! In one mighty rush, he flicked it off. A few of the still conscious employees screamed as the lights died. He pushed the door open, to see the grocery store, conveniently windowless, had gone a pitch black. The weakly lighted register numbers had not turned off, and like a solider in the line of fire, the lawyer crawled by elbow over to lane six. Feeling around for a bag at the bagging end, he snatched it and crept toward the metal cart.
"OH, I'm so afraid of the dark!" Tetheus squealed, and hid, whimpering, under the register. Kharl tripped on the end of his cart and crumpled hopelessly to the floor. In the bare light, Thatz could hardly make out his lavender plume.
"I'm here you save you!" In one quick motion he threw the grocery bag over Kharl's head.
Author's Notes: Thatz, what are you going to do with him now that you have him? It's going to a saving-kidnapping adventure! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and yes Tetheus is gay... Sorry Tetheus fans, but he was just another victim of Where We Are. Stay tuned for the next chapter… If my beta-reader ever finishes it!
Beta's Notes: Heh, heh… It's here isn't it? Nevermind that it's like two months late…Don't kill me! And Turtle… WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO TETHEUS? Laqweesha? I was dying in my seat when I finally read this thing in its entirety. Please dear readers, don't hate Turtlechan for what she's done… She drew names randomly and Tetheus was the one who got picked. Ruwalk was the runner up. And don't worry—you'll be seeing some more familiar faces in new roles soon! Kaistern noooo, that's my sandwhich! You drifter, get your own!
Preview of the next chapter, "Cleaning Out My Shrine":
Rath: Thatz… How did you get Kharl?
Kharl: If its money you're after, I won't pay one cent! Let me out of this closet!
Review Responses:
DragonessFei: Haha, we're right there with you... In fact, we were the bus drivers who drove the KKK buses to the cult branch warehouse shrine!
Ojosnegro: Thanks so much for likely our crazy story… And yes, it is an interesting pairing.. Ah, but the backstory romance is starting to reveal itself slowly but surely. (Sareh says: I'm going to MAKE it advance. They can't hate each other forever.)
Serenity Komoshiro: Heh girlfriend, it's nice to get reviewsfrom people I know. (Sareh says: AMRII, write a better review this time!)
Aquajogger: Oops, don't want to get you into trouble. But hee hee, I'm glad you like it! And the little soap fanboys are going to get their shining moments in the coming chapters… Of course, Guadeloupe isn't going to let Kharl hog all the limelight!