CHAPTER FOUR "Let Her Go" Passenger

Los Angeles

One Week Later

Hannibal's POV

Murdock went back to the VA, and I gave the others some time off to recover after the events of the previous week. I was not surprised to get a call from Murdock asking me to meet him for lunch three days later. What did surprise me was that he told me not to come to the VA, but to meet him at the old Griffith Park Zoo. He sounded really down.

I didn't ask questions, but agreed to meet him, and told him I'd bring lunch. I knew things were bad when he didn't even ask me to bring Captain Bellybuster's. I suggested meeting by the old petting zoo around noon. The zoo was officially closed to all visitors, but rules never bothered us before, so that was not an issue.

I arrived a few minutes early, the sack of food tucked under one arm, two cans of root beer in my jacket pocket. As I had known he would be, Murdock was perched in a tree, next to one of the old enclosures, gazing intently down into the pen. From the looks of things, I would bet the man was communing with the baby goats he likely saw still wandering around the area.

I was also not surprised that Murdock sensed my presence long before I ever got close. He had always had hearing like a cat. He jumped down from his perch, and turned to greet me, an almost-Murdock-like grin on his face. "Hey, Colonel!"

"Hi, Captain, how ya doin'?"

The first tell was that he wouldn't meet my eyes. My pilot almost always looked people directly in the eyes, even at his craziest.

Murdock shrugged, and the grin faded. "Ahh, I'm alright I guess."

I smiled faintly to take the sting out of my words. "No, Captain, you're not. Let's eat."

We sat on one of the low enclosure walls. I handed Murdock a burger and a root beer. After we had polished off the burgers and an order of fries each, I crumpled the cans up and put them in the bag and shoved the bag into my jacket pocket. I looked at Murdock. "Okay, spill. What's going on?"

"It's just that I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, Colonel. Always before I never really thought about it. I-I've been alone for so long, I mean, up to when I met you guys...I never got close to anyone, because it hurts to lose them. I am gonna stay 32 for the rest of my… for the rest of, well-forever.

I decided now was as good a time as any to satisfy my curiosity. "How did it happen, anyway? I mean, you mentioned something before that it happened a long time ago. Do you mind if I ask what happened? I mean, you weren't born like this, right?

Murdock shook his head. "Dunno. I was born like everyone else and I don't have any memories before 1745...well, a few years after that, really. I was born in Baltimore. I was in the Maryland Militia, and we fought in a lot of battles in several states. My younger brother Samuel was in the same regiment as me and we fought side by side.

We were in Pennsylvania in some farmer's field. The fighting had been heavy, and we had taken a lot of losses...of course," he smiled bitterly "warfare in 1777 was somewhat different than it was in 1967, you know." He paused, "Anyway, it was brutal, and horrible."

I stayed quiet, just letting him talk. "Samuel and I, along with several others in our regiment got into a running battle with some redcoats. Around noon things got pitched and we ended up in a mass of soldiers from both sides fighting hand to hand. The next thing I knew a white-hot pain burst in my leg and I fell...there was a lot of blood, and then I heard Samuel cry out behind me. I turned and realized Samuel had blood on his belly. He was staring over my shoulder, his mouth wide with terror. I whipped around in time to jump between my brother and the enemy soldier with a musket in his hands. The ball hit me in the chest at point-blank range and as I fell the world around me faded to black."

"Of course, I never expected to wake up," Murdock smiled ruefully, "at least not still on this ol' Earth, if ya know what I mean."

I chuckled. I did indeed. Regardless of the way Hollywood sometimes portrayed soldiers, they tended to often be men of deep faith. We may not be vocal about it, or feel the need to flaunt it, but it's there.

Murdock looked at me. He was as serious as I had ever seen him. "The first things I remember are the smells. Copper, ozone, sulphur... blood, earth, gunpowder. And then I felt the terrible ache in my chest and my leg. When I opened my eyes I saw dried blood all over my pants and shirt. I heard the battle off in the distance and realized the fighting had moved on. It must have been a few hours, because the sun was lower in the sky, and the birds had begun to sing again. I dreaded opening my shirt, because I had no way of treating a serious wound." He snorted, and his eyes were bleak. "Imagine my shock when there wasn't even a bruise. Same with my leg."

I put my hand on his shoulder but couldn't think of a thing to say. After a while, Murdock went on. "I looked around, and the field was littered with dead bodies. No one survived, Colonel," he looked at me, and the remembered sorrow was terrible to witness… especially when I realized what he meant.

"Oh, Murdock…" I breathed.

His words were bitter. "I failed, Colonel. He was underneath me, half his head gone. I wouldn't even have known it was Sammy if it hadn't been for the birthmark on the back of his hand."

We were quiet for a long time after that. I have helped a lot of my men work through loss and guilt before, but this was totally new territory. I said the only thing that came to mind. "You died trying to protect your brother. Yeah, you failed, but you tried. And you have never stopped trying. That counts for a lot, Captain."

He sighed, apparently accepting what I had said. "After awhile I buried him, and walked away. I still didn't understand what had happened. I headed west. I eventually figured out how to exist...but it hasn't been easy." He grinned, though it had an edge. "I think it's made me a little crazy."

I grinned back and raised my eyebrows. "I think you're right."

"Part of it is, I can't figure out why. Why I'm here. Why am I still here?" He stood and began to pace. "The hardest part is not letting myself get too close to people."

"You're close to us."

"Yeah, yeah, I am. And, no offense, but I never meant to let that happen. Because someday, I'm gonna lose all of you. And I have no idea how I will handle it."

Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head. "That's why you broke it off with Kelly, isn't it?"

He nodded miserably. "Call me a coward. I couldn't face the thought of watching her grow old and then having to watch her die."

I thought about my own relationship with Maggie. Ours was fairly casual, but still...I understood. And yet… though I hadn't seen much of them together, somehow, I knew Murdock really loved Kelly.

I looked at him. "Eventually, you will lose her. That much is true in any relationship. In fact, you both already have lost each other. So, Captain, let me ask you this. Are you better in your life with her, or without her?"

He looked at me for a long time and I could tell he was thinking about it. I dropped him off back at the VA. He was quiet on the way back. Just before he got out of the car he looked at me. "I just wonder if she's better off without me."

I considered that. "Well, Captain, why don't you ask her? You've never told her the truth. Maybe you should."

"I can't do that, Colonel. I just can't."

I nodded. "Okay. The team is off for a few more days, except for checking in. If you need anything, just call."

He nodded. "I will."

He disappeared inside the building and I watched him go.

~TBC~