216. Tutoring

Well, it's been about two weeks now since I first starting writing this, and the Barian leadership has only just realized something that's kind of important: most of us don't know how to get anything done around here. Of the seven Emperors, only Nasch, Merag, and Durbe are good enough at writing in formal script to do paperwork, which, believe it or not, is supposedly a very important thing that everyone in a government position should know how to do. I know, crazy, right?

I, personally, don't intend on ever doing any paperwork of any kind unless I'm purposefully screwing it up for sh*ts and giggles, but I have to admit, I really should learn the formal glyphs. While I can get along perfectly fine without them, I've noticed that the last couple of points (note: these have been omitted due to length and repetitiveness) have consisted mostly of Nasch coming up with a new way to make fun of my glyph-illiteracy every day. And while I usually appreciate creativity, NO ONE is allowed to be more creatively insulting than me, so this has to stop.

That is the only reason why I decided to go along with Durbe's plan to spend a week or two tutoring us ignoramuses. Or whatever the plural for that word is. Ignorami? Ignoramoose? ...Aw, screw it.

Anyway, Durbe got all up on his soapbox and started saying that the Barian Emperors should be a well-educated group, and for some reason no one bothered to tell him that a) Alito and Girag are too dumb to learn, b) Mizael is too pretty to learn, and c) I already know freaking everything, 'cuz that's just how I roll. So now he's organizing this massive unnecessary thing where we all teach each other dumb stuff. It's totally gonna suck.

Now I know what you're thinking. "How is this even mildly Nasch's fault?"

…

…

...dang, you're good. Uh, okay, I'll have an excuse for this one in about four points or so. Trust me.

217. Restrictions

Now, I'm sure you've noticed that, every once in a while, someone will suggest doing something for the purpose of team-building (see 'Shopping'). Unfortunately, this tutoring thing was one of those. The way Durbe set it up, each of us had to teach something to everybody else, although I honestly don't understand why he thought any of it would end up being useful. Nasch and Merag got a free pass by helping Durbe with his ridiculous formal glyphs class, but the rest of us were not so lucky.

Alito ended up leading an hour-long kickboxing workshop, Girag taught lessons in Japanese origami (aka making paper airplanes and throwing them at Mizael), and Mizael taught Girag how to get eaten by a dragon. Luckily, Nasch didn't think it necessary for him to share that lesson with the class.

And then it was my turn. I knew, right from the get-go, that no one was going to let me actually teach my lesson, but you have to give me some credit for trying. And I tried really, really hard.

Y'see, I wanted to create an experience that everyone would remember, something truly exceptional. I also knew that whatever I chose to present would have to be unique, and it would have to be me. So, I thought long and hard, and there was only one possibility:

VECTOR'S FABULOUS ADVANCED TORTURE TECHNIQUES SYMPOSIUM! TA-DAA!

Unfortunately, we didn't even have time to get started before Nasch shut us down. He stated quite rudely that torturing people was not the purpose of this activity and that I was in major trouble, so I explained to him that I'm dyslexic and I must have confused 'tutoring' for 'torturing.' Despite the incredible believability of my claim, Nasch was not amused. Right then and there, he announced that no lessons were allowed to feature weapons of any kind (ESPECIALLY not spiky clubs made out of crystals or iron maidens disguised as tanning beds), mutated goldfish with poisoned fangs that were fished out of the Sea of Ill Intent, torture devices, or even mutated goldfish with poisoned fangs being used as torture devices. I protested, of course, because obviously he just made all that up, but my lesson was ultimately found to be in violation of the rules and had to be scrapped.

So I gave him a point for that. I still can't believe Nasch made me cancel my symposium! Poor Miza-chan and Alito were so excited, I could see it in their eyes! And now I'll have to put goldfish Herod, Attila, Kim Jong Fin, Nero, Vlad, Jack the Flipper, Napoleon, and Hitler back in the Sea... I was starting to get really attached to little Hitler, too.

218. Literacy

After everybody else's failed attempts at creating a lesson, it was finally time to address the issue that stood defiantly at the heart of this whole ridiculous debacle: the Barian Glyphs Seminar, otherwise known as An Exercise in Killing People Through Boredom. Durbe seems to have perfected that particular method of execution into an art form.

Since Nasch and Merag had decided to help, Durbe suggested dividing up the students between the three of them so he wouldn't have to deal with all of us at once. Since no one wanted to have the privilege of teaching yours truly, the assignments were decided by pulling names from the mouth of one of Mizael's freaky dragon-shaped vases.

Merag ended up with the dimwitted duo, Alito and Girag. I kinda felt a little bad for her, just because those two are the least likely to actually learn anything, and she seems to care about this somewhat. Durbe got Mizael, but considering he's the one who suggested this dumb thing in the first place, I didn't feel bad for him. Besides, that left only one possible pair, and I didn't like it one bit.

Nasch ended up getting stuck with me. Or I ended up getting stuck with him. Whichever floats your boat.

So, while Merag, Alito, and Girag spent hours painstakingly learning the alphabet and Durbe and Mizael spent hours painstakingly learning the word 'dragon,' Nasch and I spent hours staring at each other with as much hatred as we could muster, which was a lot.

I was still a little upset about having to get rid of the mutated goldfish that I spent weeks trying to catch, so Nasch ultimately won the staring contest. I challenged him to a rematch, but the suns were in my eyes, so I lost that one, too. After about two hours, Durbe noticed that we weren't getting anything done, so he came over and suggested some things that both of us ignored. But Nasch didn't want to look bad in front of the others, so he decided to start writing cuss words on a piece of paper and telling me what they meant. Ordinarily, I would be very interested in that sort of lesson, but I already knew more swear words (in both regular script and glyphs) than he did, anyway, so I started teaching him some creatively insulting things that he, for some reason, did not appreciate.

So, at the end of the day, I had to spend over three hours with Nasch, and I still don't know how to read formal glyphs. If that isn't the most utterly useless thing I've ever done, I'm not sure what is.

219. Cooking Classes

Now, usually, when smart people do something really stupid, they learn not to do it again. Moderately less-smart people will figure out after about the second or third time that they should probably not do this stupid thing anymore. Chimpanzees will stop doing the stupid thing after four failures. Only real, bonafide idiots will try something dumb five times and then think to themselves, 'maybe I should try it again, just in case.'

So riddle me this. How can anyone think that Durbe is the smart one around here when he did exactly that?!

I already told you how the whole "tutoring" thing did not work out. Well, okay, Alito and Girag did manage to learn the alphabet... and we all burned some calories during the kickboxing workshop... and I did discover some amazing things about paper-airplane aerodynamics... and now I know the capital of Uzbekistan… and Alito memorized "Othello"... and Mizael cured Barian Fever... and we sent an exploratory probe into space… and Durbe calculated the airspeed velocity of an unladen African swallow… but that's beside the point. The entire activity was a total waste of time, and nobody learned anything. End of story.

So when I heard Merag ask Durbe to teach her how to cook, and he agreed, I couldn't help but groan. Very loudly. So that they would hear me from across the room.

Honestly, I'm not sure how good of a cook Durbe is, but I'd bet anything you want that he's better than Merag. So, even though I was sure whatever was going on would end badly, I decided to hang around and watch them try anyway. Plus, when something inevitably caught fire, I could laugh at them maniacally.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm some kind of creeper, because I'm not. I was definitely not hiding behind a rock or watching them just to watch them. And even if I was hiding behind a rock, it was a totally obvious hiding place that they totally would have seen had they not not seen it. It isn't creeping when you're being obvious about it.

Anyway, I was watching Durbe teach Merag how to cook, and it looked like they were making grilled energy cheese sandwiches. The first thing that ticked me off is that they were doing it all wrong. Durbe just stuck the energy-bread on the grill and then put slices of energy-cheese on it. That is the worst possible way to make grilled cheese. Obviously, you're supposed to cover the bread in butter, put it on the grill, flip it so that both sides get nice and toasty brown, place one slice of mozzarella on each piece of bread, cook up some mac and cheese, cover the mozz-and-bread with bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips, then dump the mac and cheese onto the sandwich and squish it together with a spatula. I mean, come on. It's not grilled cheese unless there's bacon and mac involved. Who the heck taught this guy how to cook?!

The second thing that ticked me off was the way they went about making this sacrilegious junk. And I don't mean how they left ingredients lying around, or how they didn't wash their hands first, or even how they left a towel hanging on the oven handle when that is CLEARLY a domestic fire hazard. The "cooking lesson" was disgustingly peppered with what I can only describe as… public displays of affection. What made it even worse was that I don't think they even realized what was happening.

Every once in a while, Durbe and Merag would both reach for the same ingredient or utensil at once, and then their hands would brush against each other and somebody would recoil, blushing. Usually it was Durbe. The area in front of the stove was apparently also really space-limited, so they were constantly standing right on top of each other and rubbing shoulders in what I think I'll call "casual cuddling." Then Durbe slipped on some butter, and Merag helped him up off the floor in the most annoyingly sweet way possible. When the sandwiches were finished, they decided to eat them together, and Merag glomped Durbe in a victory-hug. And when Merag's hair got a little too close to the grill and caught fire, Durbe was the one to spray her vigorously with the sink's high-pressure nozzle while she screamed. The worst part is, I didn't even laugh.

I don't know why, but watching them just made me feel sick inside. Why do they have to be so damn cute together?! And why does neither of them realize this?! By the time the fire in Merag's hair had been successfully put out and they were back to munching on their sandwiches, I was absolutely fed up with their kawaii shoujo-manga s***. And when Durbe complimented Merag on her improvement and said that he liked the sandwich she made, I lost it.

I stormed out from behind my rock, grabbed Merag by the wrist, and dragged her over to the grill. She was, understandably, shocked and confused by my stranger-than-usual behavior, but honestly, I wasn't even sure what possessed me to do that. I just told her that we were going to make a REAL grilled-cheese freaking sandwich, and that it was going to be the most awesome thing she had ever eaten. Like freaking rapture and Chuck Norris at the same time. And you know what? After some thought, she actually said that would be cool.

However, Merag's yelps of initial protest must have set off Nasch's sensors, because I didn't even have time to show her how to properly lather a slice of bread in butter before he showed up and tackled me to the ground. And then later, he gave me a lecture on how inappropriate it was to use cooking as a way to hit on his sister! Are you kidding me?! I practically SCREAMED that it was DURBE who was doing the hitting, and that I wouldn't even bother to use a bad pickup line on Merag, anyway, because she's not that hot, but for some reason that only made him angrier.

So, because of Durbe's dumb cooking class, I got an angry Nasch-tirade and missed the chance to laugh at Merag on fire. Maybe I should start a point system for Durbe...

220. Oh, Wait! I Know How #216 is Nasch's Fault!

He COULD HAVE told Durbe that his tutoring idea was stupid, but he DIDN'T.

HA! I told you I'd come up with something eventually! And look, I got an extra point out of it, too! MWAH HA HA HA HA! I AM SUCH A GENIUS!

Inaction is just as bad as wrong action, kids. Remember that.

Author's Note: And so, in honor of Valentine's Day, here is a little HolyIceshipping and denial!Gorgonicshipping for you all. There's nothing quite as romantic as your sweetheart's hair catching on fire!

Special thanks to Girl with the Fire Heart for 217, FairyLyte for 218 (and the basis for this whole chapter, really), and Durbe the Barian for 219. And as always, suggestions are extremely welcome! I'm a suggestion junkie! GOTTA GET MAH FIX, YO!

As a side note, the Grilled-Cheese: Vector Style is a cookable thing, and it really is good. You should try it sometime.