A/N: Dear E, in chapter one Rachel walked to her car because she needed some space and didn't know if her dads were home.
In chapter three Rachel drove home from school and parked her car somewhere between her and the St. James' house.
Hope that explains it ;)
In My Veins
Chapter Four
I had been standing frozen at the front door with the knob already in my hand. When Jesse had said those horrible words I had known that I had done an awful work at hiding my feelings for him. I had thought that he hadn't known my secret but I should have known better. He knew how he affected women and I surely wouldn't have made an exception to him.
After I had digested the first shock I had been slowly turning around afraid about what I was going to see when I looked into his face. But he was already gone. He had disappeared into his room without waiting for my reaction and I let out a breath that I hadn't known to be holding.
I hadn't been able to concentrate on the movie I had watched with Isaac afterwards and if I thought about it longer I couldn't even recall its name.
Rehearsal were a good distraction. The week passed without any other occurences and once again I decided to stay away from Jesse.
I cancelled more than one movie night with Isaac telling him I wasn't feeling well. And it wasn't a lie. I wasn't feeling well.
Jesse had known my feelings for him and to me it only made things worse. Not because he had broken my heart as a friend but with the knowledge that I was feeling more for him. I knew I could handle this, too, knowing that Jesse was born to play a role like this and that I would have admired his act if I hadn't been involved in it. But I couldn't forgive myself. These two years I had really thought that he hadn't know the true impact of his action because we had supposedly just been friends...
Deep down in my heart I made the decision not to make my feelings so obvious anymore.
In the following month I became colder. When I looked into the mirror I couldn't recognize myself anymore because of the hard mask I was wearing on my face. I became mean. The way I had helpfully been critizing the other members of Vocal Adrenaline had turned into something mean and ugly. I noticed the almost horrific looks on my teammates faces without thinking about it twice. Winning Nationals had became such an important thing that I started investing all my power in it and I expected the rest of the team to do the same. I started screaming when I noticed that they wouldn't do what I wanted and I left the rehearsal more than once without finishing it.
My dads had noticed my changing behavior but I always interrupted any attempt they made to talk with me before I said something wrong. They had watched my heartbreak two years ago and I knew they were suspecting Jesse's involvement in this. Shelby had tried to talk to me, too, but she was owing me the space she had so willingly giving me the first fifteen years of my life.
I just stopped talking. My friends noticed the unknown experience but they seemed to enjoy it. Nobody asked what was really going on and nobody seemed to be interested either. I shrugged it off.
Jesse had already turned me into reflection of himself. And it bothered me. It bothered me to a point where I was crying under the shower and starring in the mirror with disgust. I was giving myself the same look Jesse had been giving me when he had come home that day.
I lost more than a few pounds and became a shadow of myself. I skipped school. And then I was thrown back into reality. I noticed my sliding grades. The looks people were giving or not giving me because they were suddenly afraid that I was going to lose it.
I knew that I had found my way back home.
I made my way over to the neighbor's house and knocked on the door.
Isaac opened it a moment later and for the first time I really allowed myself to burst out crying.
April 21, 2015.