Chapter 4:

"Loss of Composure"

Genkai sat in her tea room, quietly going over the conversation she had with Hiei and wondering if he would respect her wishes. They had spoken shortly after Lucille had departed for her room the first time.

"I have a guest that will be staying here every few weeks."

"I noticed, unfortunately."

"You don't have to interact with her, or speak with her, or do anything for her. All I ask is that if you do any of those things, you treat her with respect. She is dying and a woman like her deserves to live out her final days with dignity."

"And what exactly does that have to do with me?"

"Your interactions with others aren't always sunshine and rainbows. While I have no doubts that she can handle your gruff attitude, I would like her time here to be peaceful."

"You have taken a liking to this woman. Do you see your missed opportunities in her?"

"That is neither here nor there. It is my understanding that life at home for her is not pleasant. I do not want that to continue here."

"So you want me to coddle this woman, treat her like a child with a skinned knee. She is weak; I should do her a favor and end her suffering now."

"A woman who endures such pain and continues to think about the welfare of others is not weak. In fact, you might be able to learn a thing or two from her."

Hiei scoffed and left the room without another word.

Genkai sighed and puffed on her pipe, wondering if her request was too great to fulfill for the demon. She wasn't asking him to interact with her at all; if he chose to completely ignore Lucille during her time at the temple that was fine too.

She shifted her thoughts to the woman herself, wondering how she would be able to help her.

Carrie sat in an alcove outside her school's library, mapping out her classes for the semester. She had a heavy workload, taking more classes than necessary. Carrie knew she was taking on too much but she enjoyed the distraction; for her, having an idle mind was dangerous for her health. And with her mother's condition, having too much time to think was never good.

Carrie sighed and pulled out her phone, checking for any messages from her mother. Today is the day she was supposed to travel out to the physic's temple and ask for help. Carrie hadn't yet heard from her mom that day and she wanted to call and find out how things were going. But knowing her mom, she would receive a lecture about not worrying so much and to enjoy her orientation.

Orientation had been over for hours but she didn't want to go home yet. She was enjoying the atmosphere at school; so many people around enjoying the day and just living in each other's company. It was a refreshing change; she would definitely love living on campus once school started.

She checked her phone again before shoving it into her back pocket, deciding to take her mother's perceived advice and not worry. If something was wrong, she would call.

A shout called her way and she turned her head to see a bright green Frisbee flying towards her. She jumped out of her chair to catch it before throwing it back with a smile and a laugh.

She glanced down at the mess on her table that she created in her efforts. Her computer sat open, pushed to the back edge of the table. A planner sat open in front of it, flipped to the month of December where she had just finished writing in her class schedule. She hated the damn thing but it helped so much sometimes. Her only issue was sticking with it.

She glanced back to the group playing Frisbee and decided to give up on her failing attempt at planning and join the game.

348 days.

She had 365 days left from the day the doctor told her she wasn't responding to treatments. It took her 17 days to get to the temple. She had 348 days left.

What does a person do when they realize their days are numbered?

Apparently, they plant gardens and flowerbeds.

Lucille sat back on her feet and placed her hands on her thighs, looking at what she had laid out before her.

A shovel with a broken handle, splintered at the end. A rake with bent teeth. A hoe, thankfully intact. An array of hand tools, including a cultivator, a trowel, and a tiller. All of the seeds she found were dead and no longer usable. And finally she found a small tote, dirty and torn in some places but whole where it mattered. She was thankful for the tote; it made carrying things to and from the shed much easier.

The tools she had would be enough to get the job done; she didn't need anything new or fancy to do what she loved. But she would have to gather seeds and make a plan for the entire garden. As she looked around, her mind processed how much work it would need before she could plant anything in the earth.

At least I have some time to decide how I want to lay this out.

Lucille already knew a large section of the garden will be devoted to fresh fruits and vegetables. She had gotten a glimpse into the fridge and it was seriously lacking. The remaining areas would be for different types of flowers. If she had enough time, she would tend to other areas around the temple.

Lucille hoped she had enough time for that. It was finally starting to sink in that she had cancer.

Yes, she has had cancer for 5 years now. And now it was starting to sink in. Why did it take so long? She knew from the beginning her chances of survival were low but she stayed positive through it all. Until now.

What changed?

She shook her head, clearing the negativity away. This was not the place for it. She knew depression was a very real possibility considering her condition but she did her best to keep it at bay.

Maybe it was the death sentence. It wasn't real until my life was given a time limit.

Lucille got more comfortable and looked around the yard, knowing she wouldn't be able to shake the thoughts for a while. She could hear the birds chirping happily, squirrels chattering away in the trees, the wind rustling the leaves softly. She lay back in the grass and took it all in. The life surrounding her that would continue on without her presence in the world. It was beautiful and peaceful and scary all at once.

"When you offered to take care of the gardens in return for my assistance, I didn't think you would spend the time napping in the grass."

Lucille tilted her head back to look at Genkai as she stepped away from the house.

"Not napping, developing. I need a plan before I can get started."

"I see. Well, I think now is an ideal time for us to get started." Genkai turned away, back toward the temple.

Lucille rolled over and up from the grass, using her cane as leverage. She wanted to give her joints a break from the day prior so she used the cane no matter how much she hated it.

"Considering your physical state, my plan is to focus on the health of your mind. This isn't simply a mind over matter type of situation but the better state your mind is in the easier it will be for you to build your physical strength back up."

Lucille paused before speaking, wondering if Genkai knew the state her mind was in at the moment. "So what's the first step?" Lucille limped behind at a slow but steady pace, a look of pure interest on her face.

"The first step is an assessment of your mental state. I need to be prepared if there's a chance you might fall into depression and kill yourself early in my temple."

"I don't think you'll have to worry about that ma'am but I understand regardless."

"There is an inner garden we will be utilizing for the majority of our time together. You are welcome to use the garden on your own time but I think your attentions will be focused elsewhere." Genkai walked through the halls at an even pace, seemingly taking random turns whenever there was an opportunity.

"You know I would love to use it but I need to be able to find the place on my own before I can." Genkai chuckled at the exasperated sound in Lucille's voice but did nothing to ease her concerns.

Since Lucille was lost, it seemed like the trip to the inner garden took far longer than it should have. In reality, the garden was less than a five-minute walk from Lucille's room, depending on which path was taken. Genkai purposely chose the longest path to the inner garden, wanting to provide an opportunity for Lucille to exercise when she wouldn't have otherwise.

While they walked, Genkai thought back to her conversation with Hiei again. While she has sympathy for the sick woman, she does not pity her and she will not baby her. If this woman wants to get better and will make the effort herself, Genkai will not provide a crutch or a handicap. Those kinds of things will not help her in the long run; she has to be able to stand on her own two feet if she wants to live the remainder of her life to the fullest.

They stopped in the middle of a long hallway where Genkai turned and slid open a door that opened to a porch similar to the one that surrounded the exterior of the temple. Lucille followed Genkai onto the porch and saw the inner garden in its entirety. Stone steps led from the porch down to a grassy area. In the center of the room was a small pod with a stone bridge stretching across from one end to the other. Surrounding the lower room was a three-foot wide sand garden, bordering the walls and stopping at each set of stairs before continuing. By the lines in the sand, it was clear these were not sandboxes to play in and build sand castles. On the other side of the room near the edge of the pond, Lucille spotted a low table surrounded by cushions and set on a comfortable mat.

Caught up in the beauty of the garden, Lucille barely noticed that Genkai had seated herself on one of the cushions and was patiently waiting for Lucille to make her way over as well. She leaned the edge of her cane against the wall next to the door and walked down the stairs. Genkai raised her eyebrow at that but said nothing.

"I would like to start by going over some things with you. Yes, it may seem clinical at points but this is how I will be able to determine where we go from here."

"Is this one of those psychological assessments that doctors do to determine if you have depression?"

"It's my version, now be quiet." Genkai's tone changed, morphing into one focused on the task at hand and not idle conversation. Lucille snapped her mouth shut and sat up a little straighter, conscious of the change and going with it.

"How has your appetite been?" Genkai closed her eyes, crossed her arms, and puffed on the pipe clenched between her teeth.

Lucille bit back the humor so ready to unleash itself, now was not the time. "It's normal. I've been sticking to a vegetarian diet as much as possible." It's normal when I'm not the one doing the cooking. If it's me, I would probably starve.

"What do you normally do for physical activity and exercise?"

"I spend a lot of time in my garden at home and take short walks as often as I can." And I run marathons every other weekend.

"And how are your relationships with your family, your daughter and your husband?"

Lucille paused at that question before answering carefully. "My relationship with my daughter is wonderful. She cares for me and tries to help me whenever I can. There are times where she helps TOO much, but she was like that even before I got sick." Lucille had no joke to follow with that.

"And with your husband?" Genkai pressed the question, knowing that Lucille avoided it for a reason.

"Our relationship could be improved exponentially. He struggles a lot with my disease and he doesn't know how to cope with it knowing the outcome; ultimately it's very stressful for him and I'm not sure how to help him through it." Lucille looked at her hands, knowing how Carrie would respond if she were here.

"I see. So is he the one with cancer or is that you? Based on your response it sounds like he's really the sick one. How do you really feel about his reactions to your condition? That first question was rhetorical, in case you missed that." Genkai opened her eyes and peered at Lucille, intimidating her into being open and honest.

"His reactions are uncalled-for in most situations. I understand that he's grieving and he does so in his own way, but he fights me instead of working with me. He decided to push me away instead of learning about everything so he could understand better for himself. That distance eventually changed into blame and resentment. I've tried talking to him to change the path he's on but as it is he wants nothing to do with me."

Genkai nodded, taking everything in. "How does your daughter feel about his behavior towards you?"

"She absolutely hates it. And I hate that my condition has put a rift between them. Whether I'm living or not, he will still be her father and their relationship should continue."

"You care a lot for the happiness of your family, despite how your husband treats you."

"Regardless of how he treats me, I still love and care for him. I want only his happiness even after I have gone."

Genkai nodded again, before sighing. "Unfortunately I cannot dictate how you handle things at home. But here I do not expect nor want you to blame yourself for the way people treat you. Your condition is not your fault, you did not ask or bring it upon yourself, and the people around you should understand that. That kind of attitude is not beneficial to you and to prevent yourself from falling into a depression of any type, you should try to change the way you view things both here and at home. You need to focus on yourself and feeling guilty for doing that only sets you back."

Lucille stared at Genkai in surprise; the older woman voiced several things that Lucille had kept to herself for years.

Her guilt over getting sick and putting her family through this.

Blaming herself for her husband's reaction and trying to be understanding instead of holding him accountable.

Her worry about her family being taken care of after she passes away.

Lucille did everything in her power to remain strong no matter what was thrown her way, never giving herself a chance to be weak. In all honesty, Lucille never even gave herself a chance to react to her diagnosis.

Genkai shut her eyes as different emotions crossed Lucille's face. The first day and we've already had a break-through. I could give that TV Dr. Mike guy a run for his money.

Lucille covered her face as she felt her emotions take over, fear of Genkai's reaction forcing her to hide. She paused as she felt a hand on her shoulder, a comforting gesture from the older woman, and looked up in surprise.

"Do not hide your emotions, you are allowed to be upset and angry."

Lucille nodded and wiped at her eyes, stifling the tears until she had a private moment to let them out. "Do you have any more questions?"

"How do you feel about your changing appearance?" Genkai crossed her arms and returned to her initial demeanor.

"My appearance?" Lucille stared at Genkai in confusion, genuinely not understanding why her appearance would cause her any distress.

"Yes, the changes in your appearance that you have had to adapt to. The loss of your structure, your strength and weight. The loss of your hair. These things seem trivial but they do have an effect on your mentality." A tone of annoyance edged its way into Genkai's voice by the end of her sentence. At the time it seemed that Lucille was deflecting or playing dumb to get out of admitting to the truth about things.

"Oh I think my appearance is a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. On a smaller scale, it has affected me and I just haven't wanted to admit it. My husband doesn't look at me anymore. Small children are scared by my lack of hair and skeletal frame. I feel self-conscious in certain occasions. When I lost my hair, Carrie wanted to shave her head so I wouldn't have to go through the changes alone. But I refused to let her do it because it's not fair to her to have to face the same things I do on a daily basis. She's still young and impressionable."

"I see. Based on our discussion I think I have an idea of where I want to go from here. But we will continue with that tomorrow, after breakfast." Genkai stood from the table and turned to wait while Lucille stood as well.

"How do you feel after the assessment?" The question surprised Lucille, again causing her to wonder if Genkai knew how she was feeling this entire time. She was still surprised at the question and the irony of her own feelings was not lost on her. Of course my feelings would be considered after everything, they are the whole reason we're even doing this.

"Strangely better, those assessments usually put me in a worse mood but yours was different. I think I'm going to spend some more time in the garden and see what I can come up with tonight." Lucille turned and began to head to the stairs but paused and turned back when Genkai did not move to follow.

"I have some developing I need to do myself. Go ahead and find your way back. Consider this your first test." Genkai smirked and sat back down at the table, settling down and getting comfortable.

Lucille chuckled and thanked her before leaving, making her way up the stairs and back out into the hallway. She slid the door shut and took in her surroundings, trying to getting a bearing on her location. Both directions looked the same, no distinguishing factors that would point her in the right direction and no windows to see outside.

'My first test' huh. I'm about to be like the starving mouse stuck in a maze trying to find the damn cheese. Except the mouse eventually finds his way out.

Lucille finally decided to turn left, away from the direction they had originally come from. Call it a hunch but she had a feeling that Genkai purposely took her the long way to the inner garden., especially since she just called this a test. If anything, she would discover new things about the temple during her new adventure.

Getting lost is the most exciting adventure there can be.

Her going was slow but she eventually got where she wanted to be and in less time than it took to get to the inner garden in the first place.

"Well I'll be, tickle me impressed I didn't think I would be able to do it."

She stepped through the door of her room and looked around with a smile on her face, still struggling to believe the courteousness of everyone at the temple. She quietly slid the door shut behind her and headed for the door to the garden. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, overwhelmed with emotion. Finally outside, Lucille felt tears running down her face but she did nothing to stop them. In the privacy of the garden, she didn't have to worry about hiding her weakness. She sat down on the edge of the porch and gave herself the chance to grieve for herself.

After her meeting with Genkai, it made her think about what she was doing to herself. Five years of living with cancer and she never allowed herself to feel this raw emotion, she always just brushed it off and focused on something else. It never occurred to her how much of an impact this would have on her health. If she did this five years ago, would her situation be different? Would her husband treat her differently? Would she be as close to Carrie as she is now?

Calming down, Lucille looked out over the mess she created in the garden, trying to gather the motivation to put it all away. Well at least with everything pulled out of the shed she'll be able to put it back neatly.

The situation she was facing was a good analogy for her life at the moment. Everything is a mess and it's all bared to the world. And now she has to take the time to put each individual piece back again so she can be whole. How she puts the pieces back is what's important and she has to decide what to keep and what to leave behind. Her first day at the temple and she was already starting to make peace with herself. She couldn't thank Carrie more for pushing her to go to this scary place and seek help.

AUTHOR NOTE:

Sorry for the delay! Not only was I stuck on this chapter, wanting to perfect it. But life got in the way for a while.

Thank you to my reviewers!: Leahcar-Soutaichou, Graphospasm, and Aria2302!