Chapter 4:
Jude was in the kitchen making herself some breakfast when she heard the knock at the door. She immediately stiffened, wondering if it was Tommy. She had seen his car speed away last night and she knew that wouldn't be the end of it. He'd be back, and she knew she would eventually have to speak to him. She had no idea what she was going to say to him. He broke her heart and she wasn't going to give him the chance to do it again. She knew all the logical reasons why this was a good plan – he seemed to hurt her whether he tried to or not, and she needed to get out before it was too late. As it was, she found it hard to function. She couldn't imagine if she had been with him for a few years, how hard it would be breaking away from him. So, she knew that leaving him in Thailand and promising herself to move on from him was a good idea. The problem was that every time she thought of him or when she came face to face with him, like the day before, her heart beat so fast she could barely think, and forming coherent words of rejection to tell him was very difficult.
She sauntered slowly to the door, checking out the window first to see if Tommy's car was in the driveway. It wasn't. She let a huge breath, one she hadn't even realized she was holding. She opened the door, happy to see Jamie standing in front of her.
"Hey," she said, "Thanks for the help with Tommy yesterday." She motioned for him to come in. "I honestly just could not deal with him – he caught me completely by surprise showing up like that."
"No problem, that's what friends are for," he said, moving into the living room and sitting down. "You home alone?"
"No," Jude said as she joined him on the couch, "Sadie's still upstairs sleeping, Dad's gone to work, though."
"I just came to see how you are. I know how hard it must have been seeing Tommy. I mean I know I don't like the guy but—" Jamie stopped, distracted by Jude who stood up suddenly and ran to the washroom. He sat in the living room alone for a minute, thinking about how often Jude had complained about being sick lately. Then his face dropped as a thought occurred to him.
Jude returned a moment later, looking slightly pale. She took her seat on the couch, relaxing into its plush backing, closing her eyes for a second.
"Are you okay, Jude?"
Her eyes remained shut. "I'll be okay. It takes a minute for the nausea to wear off."
"Jude, as a man, and one who has not so secretly loved you for a very long time, I hate to ask you this but, but I think I need to – could you be pregnant?"
Jude's eyes burst open. She tried thinking when her last period had been. It had always been so irregular and she'd been so stressed lately, she hadn't even noticed. She did know that she hadn't had a period in a while. "Oh my God. What if I am?" She asked, turning to look at Jamie, with a horrified expression on her face.
Jamie could see the shock she was experiencing. "Okay, we don't know anything yet. You'll have to take a test to find out for sure."
"And how am I going to get a test? I can see it all over the media – 'Jude Harrison caught buying pregnancy test – is she or isn't she?' I can't have that. Especially with Tommy back in town now." She looked questioningly at Jamie.
"Jude, you know I love you, but there are some things I won't do – even for you. And buying a pregnancy test is one of those things."
"Well then, who?"
As if on cue, Sadie walked down the stairs, and headed for the kitchen.
Jude and Jamie shared a knowing look before Jude yelled, "Sades, can you come here for a sec?"
Within seconds, Sadie appeared in the doorway of the living room. "Oh, hey Jamie. Yeah, Jude, what is it?"
"I need the biggest favour from you. Can you buy me a pregnancy test?" Jude spit out, before she lost her nerve to ask.
"What???" Sadie yelled, coming further into the living room. "Rewind – you think you might be pregnant… with Tommy's child?"
"Ok, Sadie," Jude said, still sitting in her position on the couch recovering from the nausea and the realization that she might be pregnant, "I'm trying not to have a full-blown panic attack until I know for sure. Which is why I need you to go buy the test for me."
Sadie looked at her sister, and although Jude looked calm on the surface, she could see the panic and the fear lurking in her eyes.
"Alright. I'll be back as soon as I can." Sadie grabbed her purse from her room and hurried out the door.
While she was gone, Jude shifted between pacing and sitting. The minutes Sadie was gone seemed like hours. What if it was true? How could she handle becoming a mom at eighteen? And with things in such a mess with Tommy?
"Jude, calm down," Jamie said, seeing his friend getting more and more worked up as the moments passed.
"I can't. I mean, what if I'm pregnant? Tommy and I… we're not a good fit as a couple. We've tried and we can't make it work. What will we be as parents?" She asked, pacing in front of the spot where Jamie sat on the couch. "And Jamie, I'm eighteen! I'm barely even a legal adult!"
"Jude, if you're pregnant… and you don't want to involve Tommy…. Say it's mine," Jamie said quietly.
Jude's head shot up and she looked in Jamie's direction. "Jamie, you know I can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to you or Tommy. And eventually, a decision like that would hurt you. You know that as well as I do. Thanks for the offer, though," she said, sending a sympathetic smile in his direction.
Jude jumped when she heard the door open, practically running to meet Sadie. "You got it?" she asked.
"Here you go," Sadie said as she handed the bag to Jude. "I bought two, just to be on the safe side."
"Thanks Sadie," Jude said, and she hugged her sister warmly.
'You're welcome," Sadie said, squeezing her sister tightly. "And don't worry, ok? Whatever happens, we'll figure it out."
"Thanks." Jude said, and then walked to the bathroom to do the test.
She came out the bathroom a minute later, and noticed both Jamie and Sadie standing just outside the bathroom door, waiting for the results.
She answered their questioning glances. "I have to wait for four minutes before the test shows an accurate result. And I can't just sit in there waiting for it to show up."
All three of them stood in silence, Jude pacing in front of them. She checked her watch fifty times before four minutes had finally passed. She looked at both Sadie and Jamie before she walked into the bathroom. She felt like she was walking in slow-motion, it seemed to take her a long time to reach the counter where the test was laying.
She picked it up slowly, staring at the result. She turned around, Sadie and Jamie seeing the tears that were already streaming down her cheeks. She walked slowly into Sadie's open arms, her fingers still wrapped around the test. "I'm pregnant," she whispered, burying her head in her sister's shoulder.
Sadie shot a worried look at Jamie as she rubbed Jude's back. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry." Sadie guided her over to the couch where motioned for Jude to sit, and then Sadie sat beside her.
When Jude had finally calmed down a bit, she wiped the remaining tears off her cheeks. "I can't believe it," she said, staring into Sadie's face. "I really can't believe it."
Jamie looked down at his watch, "Jude, I hate to do this, but I have a meeting with Paegan in like two minutes, so I should really get going."
"It's okay Jamie, I've got her." Sadie said, reassuringly.
"Jude, this will be okay. You've got me, and Sadie and your Dad. And Jude, you know my offer still stands, okay?" He leaned down and squeezed Jude's hand, then walked to the foyer and took one more look at Jude's shocked figure before he left.
"Jamie offered to say the baby was his." Jude said, explaining Jamie's comment to a puzzled Sadie.
"You know that's not a good idea, right? I mean, Tommy's a lot of things, but he's not a complete moron." Sadie asked.
"Yeah, I already told Jamie no. Sweet of him to offer, but there's no way I could do that to him… or Tommy." She paused, staring at the test, still clasped in her hand. "How did my life get this complicated? I mean, one minute Tommy and I are happy. The next, I'm not even speaking to him, but I'm carrying his child." Saying the words verbally made it all seem that much more real. "I'm going to be a mom."
"It will be okay. Once you tell Tommy, you two can figure it out. And you've always got me and Dad to help you out."
Jude was so lost in her own thoughts she hadn't even heard Sadie. "You know, a lot of women raise babies on their own now, it's not the scandal it used to be. And I've got money, so I don't have to worry about that."
"Jude," Sadie said, shaking her shoulders lightly, "listen to yourself. You're eighteen years old. You can not handle raising this baby on your own. And as angry as you are at Tommy right now, I know you'll hate yourself if you don't tell him. Besides, this is not something you can hide from him, or anyone, forever." Her sister paused. "So, I guess I don't need to ask if you're going to keep the baby."
Jude looked up into her sister's eye, an appalled look on her face. "I have to. This baby is already a part of me and a part of Tommy, probably the only good reminder I'll ever have of the time we spent together."
"Okay, well. Then you have to get a Doctor. And you've got to tell Dad and Tommy."
"Doctor, yes, Dad, yes, Tommy…"she said, shifting her face downward, "Not right now. I can't even face him right now, no less tell him that he's going to be a father."
They talked for a few more minutes, Sadie pleading with Jude to tell Tommy, Jude insisting that she didn't know what she was going to do. Finally Sadie stood up, "Well, I gotta go. I'm meeting Kwest and we're going over to talk to Jamie about working at his new label. He's already offered us both jobs, we just need to iron out the details."
"Okay, well, good luck." Jude said, still concentrating on the test that had changed her life.
"Jude," Sadie said, succeeding in getting her sister's attention as Jude finally looked up at her. "Think about what I said about Tommy, okay?"
"I will," Jude said, smiling weakly.
Sadie left and Jude remained in the living room, still recovering from the shock. Then her stomach growled and she touched her stomach, "You getting hungry there, kid?" Jude smiled, a genuine one, thinking of the child inside her. All the drama in her life wasn't the child's fault. The child was pure, a mix of her and Tommy, something she could hold on to. As the news began to sink in, she began to be happy about the prospect of being a mother even though she was so young. She'd always wanted children, and she'd dreamed of having children with Tommy. And however unconventionally it was occurring, the dream was still happening.
She stood up, shoving the plastic test in her pocket, and made her way to the kitchen.
She pushed the play button the CD player, jamming to some of her own music, figuring it was never too early to expose the baby to music. How she already looked forward to singing to him or her.
She was suddenly startled by a noise behind her and turned to see Tommy standing there watching her with a smile on his face.
"Tommy, you scared me half to death!" Jude yelled, her hand immediately shooting to the test in her pocket to reassure herself that it was still hidden there.
"Well, I knocked on the door, but no one answered. And the door was unlocked." He was still smiling, thinking of the scene he'd walked in on, Jude dancing around her kitchen to her own CD.
"Tommy, what do you want?" Jude asked, a sharp edge to her tone, as she turned around to turn off the music.
"Jude, we have to talk," he said, walking to stand closer to her.
"Actually, I don't think we do," she said, turning to face him. "I heard and saw enough in Thailand, okay?"
"Jude, believe me, I'm not proud of the way I treated you. And I know you must be furious with me. Actually, I know how you feel. I heard another one of your songs. And I am so sorry for making you feel like that. It's the last thing I ever wanted."
The sadness returning to her eyes, "You know the worst part? It's not what you did. It's knowing that you and I can never work. Everytime we try and I get hurt, it's too much to take. And I can't do it anymore. The next time I might not survive it."
Tommy was crushed by her words, by the effect that his actions had on her. "I can't say I'm sorry enough, I know. But I wanna go back. Harrison, you know I love you."
"Tommy," she said, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear, "love isn't enough for us. Love doesn't provide us with a stable relationship. We can't seem to make one of those."
'Jude, all I want is a simple life with you. You're all I want, all I've ever wanted. Just you and me together, no complications. We can have that, I know we can."
His words shot through her heart, and any chance of telling Tommy about the baby vanished. Simple? Yeah, I knew he wasn't ready for a baby. I knew it, she thought to her.
"No, we can't, Tommy," she said. "We can't have that. As much as we wish we could, it's just not possible anymore." Her stomach began to turn and she knew what was coming. She cursed her 'morning sickness' for coming while Tommy was here. "Excuse for a minute," she said, rushing to the washroom and attempting to shut the door behind her.
As she sat on the floor in front of the toilet, she took a deep breath. She heard the door open and looked back, seeing Tommy standing in the doorway, a worried expression on his face. "Harrison, are you alright?"
"I think I'm coming down with something," she lied. "I'll be fine."
He knelt down to her level, rubbing her back. "My Mamere used to rub my back when I was sick as a kid. Always seemed to work then." His touch on her back was like magic. She revelled in it, knowing that it was a stolen moment, one that would not be repeated. She silently cursed him for still having this effect on her body, and cursed her own body for still responding to him. The scent of him so close was heaven and it made her remember all the good times they had shared.
"I'm okay," she said, standing up slowly. "But I think I'm going to go lay down. Can we continue this discussion tomorrow?" she asked, needing to get rid of him before she caved into her desire to tell him all and grab him close.
"Sure," he said, hopeful that at least she planned on continuing their discussion and had not immediately thrown him out of the house.
He helped her to the living room, seating her on the couch. "Do you want me to stay?"
"No, I'm just going to sleep it off. Good-bye Tommy," she said, her eyes piercing into his with the sadness present there.
He tried to shrug off the bad feeling he was getting, "Bye, Jude, I'll see you tomorrow." He leaned down and kissed her forehead softly. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of his lips on her skin. Why she allowed him, she didn't know. Actually she did. She relished the kiss, the last one she would ever receive from him.
Then he walked out, glancing at her once more before he walked out the door. Jude watched out the living room window as Tommy sped away, and then she rushed up the stairs to pack a bag. She picked up her cellphone, dialling one of the speed dial numbers.
"Mason? Hey, how are you?"
Mason was surprised to hear her voice, "I'm good, Jude, how are you?"
"Not too good, actually. I was wondering if I could come and stay with you in Nashville for a while." Mason had been in Nashville for the past six months working on his next country album. "I feel like I'm suffocating here and I need to get away from everything and everyone."
"Sure, Jude, you know I'd love to see you. Make sure you tell your family you're leaving. You know how worried they'll be if you don't."
"Don't worry I will. Okay, I'm going to head to the airport tonight, see what flight I can get. I'll call you once I know when I'll be arriving okay?"
"Okay, and I'll meet you at the airport. I can't wait to see you. Talk to you later!"
"Bye," she said, and closed her cell phone. She grabbed a notebook and a pen from her desk and scribbled a short note to Sadie and her dad, explaining that she needed to get away and that she would be in touch. She left the note on the dining room table and made her way out to her car. As she drove away, she thought of how everyone would react when they found her missing and she felt bad. But, with everything Tommy said about wanting simplicity, she knew she couldn't tell him about the baby. She felt scared and trapped and alone. As she drove down the highway, she wiped away the tears that she couldn't help from crying. Then she put one hand on her stomach. "It'll be okay, baby. Just you and your mama. We'll be fine, just the two of us."