Disclaimer: Don't own Glee.
A/N: Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! So sorry this took so long. I had major writer's block and then when it cleared I just couldn't get this chapter where I wanted it to go. (Unfortunately or fortunately, this means that I am behind one chapter on my story progression board.)
I know everybody keeps asking about Rachel's health. I had wanted to address it in this chapter but alas, you'll have to wait. Shelby's family will be introduced more and more over the next few chapters before they all swoop in for a reunion of sorts, if all goes as planned.
I really want to answer all of your questions but I can't really do so without ruining the plot. The best I can say is that the story is titled "The Lies that Lead Me to You" for a reason. I think, as a reader, you should be suspicious of everything Rachel says and thinks right now. Shelby is a bit more honest and straight forward but she is not without her own "lies." In fact nobody in this story is exempt from the 'lying' theme.
And without further ado... Enjoy!
Chapter 4 Poker Face
Rachel is a bad poker player. She has known this for years. She likes to gloat too much for her own good and for the game. And she hates to lose. Poker requires a player to remain unaffected by the cards. Poker requires the player to read their opponents and to not be read. Rachel prefers to play the cards. You can't win with pocket deuces. And bluffing is a disastrous move that leads Rachel into the arms of the so-called authorities. So it's quite a surprise for Rachel to see the missing set of twos revealed in the flop. It's even more of a surprise that she is sitting in Shelby's car singing along to Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' with her while on the way to Living Spaces and Mattress Depot to shop for a bed. In fact, Rachel is so moved by all of this that she vows to open up to Shelby more and let her in.
Rachel smiles a little bit. It is clear that Shelby doesn't know this song very well but is trying to sing along with it. Rachel barely knows the song. It only came out last week and is hardly a radio hit. She only knew it because she had spent hours at the record store after school listening to it there. While Lady Gaga isn't Barbara or Celine quality, Rachel knows that she will be a superstar. Once upon a time Rachel had dreamed of her name holding its own next to those of her idols. The evil queen cast a curse though and Rachel woke up to reality.
"It's marvelous." Rachel interrupted. "You were singing motherless."
"Oh thanks, that makes much more sense."
"Wouldn't want you to sound ridiculous."
"Of course not! I owe you my reputation." It seemed to Rachel that finally the awkwardness was dissipating and comfort was starting to set in.
"I will hold it near and dear." She added a little dramatic flair to her response. It felt good to just be a teenager for once. She was so tired of being moody and unpredictable.
"So I don't know about you, but I am getting hungry. So would you like to run through a drive-thru of some kind real quick or do you just want to shop quickly and then go home for dinner?" Shelby sounded nervous asking that. Rachel wanted to say something to make Shelby relax but couldn't find the words until too much time had passed.
"Rachel?"
"Oh um. I guess we could get something quickly. We shouldn't make a habit out it though, it is really unhealthy."
"Okay? Would you prefer to wait then?"
"No. I'm quite hungry as well. For a place dedicated to ensuring the health and welfare of children they seem to neglect the health part."
"I'm sorry about that."
"I mean it's not like you asked them not to feed and water me. I don't think anyway." Rachel smiled big to indicate that she was just joking around. She hoped it would make Shelby relax a little and not start up a dramatic conversation.
"No I mean… This whole affair. I'm sorry about it. I just…"
"Shelby?" Rachel cut her off. Clearly this woman was on a mission to make her cry.
"Shelby. I appreciate you keeping me in the loop, but it's not necessary. I'm a big girl but I'm still a kid and I don't want to know everything."
"Sorry. It's just… I just want you to understand that I wasn't abandoning you."
"It means the world to me that I'm not going to some shelter or home. But you are way too honest for your own good."
"Do you mean to imply that you have been lying to me this whole time?" Ooh! That's a little spot on and too close to comfort for Rachel. Must deflect!
"Wouldn't you like to know?" That's not quite what she wanted to say. Damn her impulsive mouth. For some reason even when she thinks before she speaks she still says the wrong thing.
"Funny girl." Rachel beamed at that.
"Funny. Did you hear that? Funny. Yeah the guy said…" Rachel started to sing. Perfectly, in her opinion.
"Honey, you're a funny girl." Shelby joined in and it was pretty awesome. Why were they singing some pop song when their voices were clearly meant for Broadway?
"You're pretty amazing." Rachel complimented Shelby. What? She knows a good singer when she hears one.
"So are you."
"You're just saying that."
"I am not! Like I said yesterday, you are great. But your song choice was stale. When you go in for an audition the song choice is more important than the singing. If you choose to sing a song like On My Own, Memory or Defying Gravity then you can't be good or great; you have to be perfect, spectacular and different."
"So what song should I have sung?" Rachel has to admit that Shelby was giving some good advice. Too bad it was all for naught.
"Something familiar, but not overused. If you were going to sing a song from Wicked I'd go with No Good Deed. It's powerful and shows off range while allowing for softness. From Les Miserable's, though you are a girl, I would go with Empty Chairs at Empty Tables to show off your emotional range. Other good songs to audition with? The Sacred Bird from Miss Saigon, I Will Love You from Marie Christine; I Miss the Mountains from Next to Normal, and Stop and See Me from Weird Romance. But it all depends greatly on the part you're auditioning for and the casting director."
"Wow. Those are really good songs to sing. Have you ever been on Broadway?"
"No No. I wish though. I did the whole surrogacy thing so I could keep trying for Broadway. I got cast as Maria in West Side Story but it was Off-Off Broadway. But then things happen, as things always do. I ended up giving up and falling back on my teaching credentials. I was very sad for a very long time."
"I don't want to pry or anything or open up a weird emotional conversation, but why? Why did you give up? You were almost there." Rachel had a feeling that despite her preface she had opened up a can of crying worms.
"What is with you being afraid of emotion?" Not quite where Rachel envisioned this conversation going. Time to get defensive.
"I'm not! You're just weirdly open about things."
"I swear Rachel you are acting so emotionally crippled." Emotionally crippled? What is that supposed to mean?
"I am not!" Well great. Now she just sounds like a petulant child.
"You are. Whenever things get personal for you, you respond that we don't know each other. And then when you ask me personal questions you cross your fingers and hope I don't reveal anything. How are we supposed to get to know each other if all we can talk about is superficial?" The woman had a point.
"I'm trying. I am! I just don't know you well enough to be really open."
"See! That right there! That is exactly what I am talking about. We can't get to know each other if you refuse to participate. We will never be comfortable around each other if you don't try."
"I just mean that I don't know you well enough to comfort you when you cry. I'm actually not a really comforting person. I suck at it. I always say the wrong things and make it about me. That's all I meant." It's true. Rachel has lost many potential friends by her inability to comfort someone. Crying people scare her. She can reassemble a broken computer in less than twenty minutes but people don't have switchboards and microchips. Plus they always inevitably get snot on you. It's like crying people turn into infants.
"You probably get that from me." Huh really? That's kind of cool. Score one for nature. Although, her dads weren't exactly emotional role models either. Nevermind. The nature vs. nurture debate is still undecided.
They pulled into the drive-thru of a Taco Bell. Rachel ordered a quesadilla and cinnamon twists with a small Dr. Pepper. Shelby ordered a burrito and water. Rachel tried to tell Shelby that she would be shitting her pants later, obviously she phrased it better. Although judging by the look Shelby was sending her way she didn't really succeed.
"Hush you!" Right, like Rachel is capable of being quiet and keeping her opinions to herself.
"So you're emotionally bankrupt, huh?" Rachel watched as Shelby handed her credit/debit card to the cashier. She was delighted to see Shelby do a double take at the question.
"I like that. Emotionally bankrupt. I like that phrase."
"I'm glad. Are you going to answer it?"
"Yea yea. My students and co-workers call me the Ice Queen. I told my sister about it and then the next day the whole family is calling me and texting me and emailing me about instances in which I showed no emotion. It's a running joke in the family now. It's actually very irritating." Rachel was amused by the story. In those few seconds she kind of felt like she belonged.
"But I'm not really. It's true that I can be very…" There was a pause as Shelby tried to come up with the right word. "stone-faced. And I do, for the most part, remain unaffected by otherwise emotional events, and I am terrible at comforting people." Shelby reached over and collected their food. She handed the soda over to Rachel who greedily sucked it down. She should have ordered a large.
"Thirsty?" Rachel nodded her head. Shelby handed her the bottle of water and Rachel took a few huge gulps.
"Parched. All that talking and stuff."
"You know I don't believe that for a second right?" Well now she does. She's also not really sure what there is to not believe. She is thirsty. She takes another sip.
"Judy told me you were being very difficult and hardly answered any questions." Huh.
"Okay. But my throat really is dry." Shelby nodded her head.
"Why were you being difficult earlier? They were only trying to help you and they can't do that if you refuse to help yourself."
Rachel was quiet for a little bit. She didn't really know how to answer the question. She didn't want to say something and have Shelby turn the car around and drop her off at a group home. She also didn't want to reveal her hand. But Shelby was asking for honesty. This whole time she had been asking for Rachel to open up to her, to let her in. And it struck Rachel that maybe in order to avoid being abandoned again she'd have to be truthful. But the bad poker player in her refused to turn her cards over and refused to bluff. So she folded.
"Honestly? When I went to your school yesterday, I just wanted to meet you. I didn't have ulterior motives. I wasn't going to ask you to save me, or that I needed to be saved. I just wanted to meet my mom and see if I was good enough for her, you" Rachel took a bite of her quesadilla. It tasted like cardboard. She popped a twist in her mouth. Yum. Cinnamon flavored cardboard.
"When I told you about everything, that was an impulsive accident. Maybe subconsciously I wanted you to take notice and take me in, maybe I'm just an idiot. Regardless I wanted it to be you. Not some person that gets a weekly stipend and treats me worse than a dog. If someone was going to save me I wanted it to be my mom, the person I should have always been with."
It had been a long day for Shelby. A long day of sitting around and doing nothing. And despite doing nothing all day she felt so emotionally drained. And then Judy told her she could take Rachel home with her. For a moment there she felt restored. So she squared her shoulders and prepared herself for some more awkward bonding. But Rachel, ever the surprising one, was quite the chatterbox. It was such a drastic change from this morning. It boggled her mind. But then she supposes that Rachel might feel more comfortable with her now, now that she isn't the bad guy anymore.
Listening to Rachel be emotionally honest with her was quite the surprise. It made her feel awkward. Any minute now she's going to have a snotty crying teen in her car and she's the only one around to calm her down. She wasn't lying when she told Rachel that she too was emotionally bankrupt, (she really likes that phrase), to properly comfort someone, especially strangers. But then again Rachel wasn't exactly a stranger, she hopes so anyway.
"Rachel. Um. Earlier when we talking about my Off-Off Broadway days I told you I was sad to leave it behind. I was sad because I couldn't stop thinking about you. You would have been two when that happened. I was really messed up about the surrogacy and it kept getting worse and worse, so bad that I kept messing up my lines. I even sang out of tune.
The reason I am telling you this is because I always wanted you. True I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to get pregnant. But I was young and I had a failing, fleeting dream. I don't know if you know what it is like to see your dream fade out but it's pretty horrible. I was desperate. So I agreed to it. Your fathers, they seemed so perfect, so loving. They dreamed of you so much and so badly and I felt the passion in their words. At the time agreeing was easy. I gave them their dream, they gave me mine." Shelby stopped at a red light and took advantage of the moment to regroup. She glanced over at Rachel. Rachel was not giving anything away. Man, she'd be a great poker player!
"Um. Shortly before you were born your father Hiram presented me with a contract. It stated that I was not allowed to contact you in any way until you were eighteen. I didn't want to sign it. But I did. So when you were born I never got to hold you. I barely got to see you. And it killed me.
The point is, is when I hear you say that you want me to want you… That when you say you should have always been with me… It kills me. Because I have always wanted that too! And the reason you were being difficult to Judy, which you never answered by the way, is because you were mad at me. Yeah, for putting you in that position, which is okay.
I have never lost a parent, or both. I have never experienced the pain of being orphaned. I haven't and I can't imagine the pain that you have felt, that you feel. And whether or not any of that pain has healed, I know you are still hurting. And I can only imagine how much it hurt to have to answer any of those questions. I do. And I am truly sorry for putting you through that, but I had, have, my reasons, which we won't get into. Okay?" She doesn't really talk that much, especially about the surrogacy. Fourteen years later and the only person who knows about it is Patrick.
"Okay." Rachel nodded her head and looked out the window. Maybe the kid had a point. They shouldn't get into the mushy details.
"What do you think of this for the ultimate set list?" Apparently they could only safely talk about music.
"Do You Hear the People Sing? from Les Mis, La Vie Boheme, obviously from RENT, and then Wheels of a Dream Reprise from Ragtime?" Shelby had to admit it was a pretty good set list if she had the powerful, emotional voices needed to sing such a song as Wheels of a Dream.
"Well, it has a pretty well defined theme, a risky theme. Not many show choir judges appreciate thematic set lists, so it is gamble. And La Vie Boheme, while I do personally love the song, I always imagined myself as a pretty good Maureen, the song would have to be heavily edited, and I'm not a fan of censorship. But to end on Wheels of a Dream, the reprise is such a genius idea. But the song has to be done right, and even my best singers could not do it. Frankly I'm not sure I could sing it well enough."
"'Cause the song asks for such a powerful and mature voice. I think it concludes the set really well. I mean it is about hope for the future, for a change, but it's sung in such a sad way, because they won't live to see it. And really the whole theme of the set list, while it is about revolution, it's more than that. Subtle or not, it is about people asking for a revolution, for a change. And it is portrayed through different eras, which brings to thought that it doesn't matter about the era or the century or the underlying themes. I mean all revolutions spring up from the underprivileged saying 'no more.'" Again Shelby was struck by how talkative Rachel could really be but more than that she was so impressed by how smart she was. She grinned. Her kid was smart.
"You must do really well in school." She commented, gritting her teeth together and hoping that Rachel did clam up.
"Well I don't really have any friends so I read a lot." That kind of sucks. Nobody should have to resort to books for companionship.
They arrive at the furniture store before Shelby can come up with a response. As she gets out of the car she watches as Rachel does the same. Rachel appears to have great difficulty in getting up. Last night Shelby had noticed the same sluggish behavior but had chalked it up to fatigue. Now, she wasn't so sure but she didn't know how to go about asking about it. Obviously Rachel was playing her cards close to her chest. Shelby was no fool. Despite her reluctance and perceived inability to be a mother she did still know a thing or two about teenagers. Maybe it was about time she started to wise up and stop letting this kid walk miles around her.
Shaking her head Shelby rushed around the car to help Rachel get up. She wondered how Rachel would play this. Rachel just pushed her away and forced herself out of the car. She leaned up against the car. This kid was sick or something.
"Leave it!" Rachel hissed out. Yea, she's not going to play by Rachel's rules anymore.
"I'm worried."
"I'm flattered." Is hitting a snarky teenager against the law or just frowned upon?
"Do you just want to go home?"
"No. I want a bed." Right. Material girl in a material world and all that.
Rachel pushed past Shelby and marched on towards the store. Shelby took two steps and easily caught up to the girl. She grabbed Rachel at her elbow to stop her escape and turned her around.
"I'm your mother. Don't lie to me!" Shelby is shocked to hear those words come from her mouth. She must be channeling her mother. She is too young for this!
"When? When did I lie to you?" That girl is seriously trying to wake the dragon! (But she does have a point.)
"Rachel? Are you well?" Shelby holds her breath.
"I'm a little woozy. I must be coming down with a cold or the flu or something. Plus you know malnourished, dehydrated and all that jazz." Shelby nodded. It was cold and flu season. And Rachel had been living by herself since summer. Everything Rachel said was one hundred percent plausible. Call it whatever you want but Shelby couldn't make herself believe it. She was just lied to. How annoying!
"Please don't worry about me." Was that small, almost inaudible sound coming from Rachel? She wished she knew what she said.
Sighing Shelby let go of Rachel and let her run off into the store. This conversation was just beginning. It was time for a re-deal.
It took just over two hours to find and purchase a bed and mattress for Rachel. Shelby pulled some strings and forked over extra money to get the day bed delivered tomorrow morning. Who knew lying on mattresses was so draining?
By the time they walked back into Shelby's house it was late and had just started to rain. Cold and shivering Rachel asked to take a shower before going to sleep.
The walk up the stairs was so difficult. Rachel was aware of Shelby's disbelieving eyes and had to exert extra energy into putting on a show. She needed to appear like the twenty or so individual stairs weren't steeper than Mt. Everest. She could be winded once she was in the bathroom. She could huff and puff and blow the whole damn door down once she was out of sight. Shelby was not to know.
Rachel barely made it to Shelby's bed before she passed out. There would be no shower.
While Rachel was upstairs showering Shelby was trying to envision where to put the day bed. Ideally she was going to move into a two bedroom house or condo. But ideal situations took time and effort. Figuring the best possible layout, Shelby decided that her couch had to go. It had needed to go many years ago.
It's not that the couch is possessed or evil or hideous. Shelby actually quite likes the look of it. True, it's not very comfortable, but that hardly qualifies it as evil. But the sentiment that went with the couch, that was evil.
See, before Patrick there was Brian. Shelby had loved Brian. She had wanted to marry Brian. She wanted to have his babies. She would have given anything to have a happily ever after with him. But when she got sick, he went to the airport. When she was told she'd never bare a child, he left the country. (And if it was commercially available, Shelby reckons he'd of left the planet.)
The couch. Yea, it was Brian's. Why didn't she dispose of it? She just never got around to it. At first it was because she was recovering and didn't want to deal with it. And then it was because she couldn't afford a new couch, followed by a larger to-do list. Her mother thinks she's holding on to it because she secretly wants Brian to come back. Her mother is wrong. She just now finally has the chance to get rid of it. One more night and then the couch, and her mother's stupid accusations would be out the door, just like Brian.
Oh speak of the devil! Her mother is calling.
Shelby looks up at the stairs. She couldn't hear the water running but it was a long day.
"Hi." She answers the phone. She really just wanted to press the ignore button but then her dad would call and yell at her, then her siblings would do the same. She hated her family!
"Shelby sweetie." Nothing good comes from that!
"Yes Mom."
"Shay called me earlier. She said, and I quote, that you were being a bitch." Oh so that is how Shay wants to play it. She should know better than to tattle on her siblings. Siblings who know secrets.
"Oh yeah? That's what the weasel said?"
"Now Shelby don't take it out on your sister."
"I don't need a lecture mom. And I'm not going to apologize. She's a big girl, who has two tattoos, by the way, and a piercing who knows where." Shay didn't actually have any piercings, except her ears. And she only had one.
"Besides, she cancelled on me! So she could hook up with some guy she doesn't know. I made plans. I mean, it's like she expected me to sit around and wallow because my kid sister can't come sleep on my couch. I was busy when she called. She wouldn't shut up and you all know how I can get when I am busy and frustrated." Shelby continued. Poor Shay.
Shelby looked up towards the stairs again. She still couldn't hear the water running. Was Rachel waiting patiently for Shelby to get the phone? Or had something happened? Rachel was looking pretty bad. Maybe she should go and buy some of that tea Rachel was ranting about?
"I know what you are doing Shelby Louise! And it's not going to work!" It actually already did. Any minute now her mother is going to start to rant about how irresponsible Shay is.
"Cheyenne is just a young woman exploring her youth. But I swear, kids these days are so unhealthy with the choices they make. Tattoos and piercings? I am going to skin that girl alive when I see her next. And inviting some stranger into her pants? She better be safe and protect herself. I'm not ready for my baby to have a baby, or for another one of my daughters getting sick. God forbid!" Shelby smirked and let her mother rant on. Come tomorrow morning her mother would wise up and call to lecture Shelby on her deflection tactics. But tonight Shay was going to have to deal with embarrassing texts and calls from various family members to ensure that she 'put a glove on' or some other euphemism for safe sex that no person wants to hear from their mother or father.
Shelby walked up the stairs to check on Rachel. She came across her bedroom door, which was closed. She would have knocked. She really would have! But she didn't want to alert her mother on the phone. She opened the door a crack. Please don't be naked!
Rachel wasn't naked. She was sound asleep on the bed. Aww.
"What? Shelby what was that?" Did she aww out loud? That must be why her mother is suddenly screeching into her ear.
"I uh stubbed my toe." She's told better lies.
"Mom, I have to go. I'll call you later." Later, like later next month. She hung up the phone. She tiptoed over to Rachel. She was going to put her hand on her forehead to check her temperature but Rachel chose that moment to turn over onto her stomach. Ugh. Even when the girl is sleeping she is trying to run away.
Shelby went to cover Rachel with a blanket but instead stared at Rachel's shoes. Should she?
"Erg!" She let out a noise in frustration. She needs to stop being so hesitant. Besides, motherly duty or not, it was her bed and there was to be no shoes on the bed!
She grabbed hold on one of Rachel's sneakers and tugged it off. The shoe was practically gone and appeared to be too big for the tiny foot. She took the other shoe off. The socks were soaking wet and upon better inspection so was the rest of Rachel's clothes. Great! She took the socks off and threw them in her hamper. She was going to have to wake up Rachel. There was no way around it. But first the girl needed warm and dry clothes.
Shelby ran down the stairs and threw open the door to her garage (or what should be a garage but instead houses her grand piano and her washing machine and dryer). She opens up her dryer. It's filled with her soft pajamas. They would be too big for Rachel but until Shelby can take her shopping it will have to do. She closes the door again and then starts the dryer again. In about ten minutes they will be nice and toasty.
With warm pj's in hand Shelby rushed up the stairs. Once in the room though her feet skidded to a stop. She really didn't want to wake up Rachel. She looks so adorable all flushed and unconscious. However the little sense Shelby did had encouraged her to wake Rachel up. Rachel needed out of those clothes and there was no way Shelby was going to strip the girl naked while she slept. That was crossing way too many boundaries.
"Rachel?" Maybe the girl was a light sleeper and would wake up easily.
No response. Nope. Not easy.
"Rachel?" She called out a little louder. Still nothing. She put her hand on Rachel's shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. That earned her a few whimpers. Progress. She shook a little harder and was rewarded with a groan. Almost there.
"Rachel?" She added with a harder still shake. The girl turned over and opened her eyes.
"You need to change into something dry." Shelby wanted to sound less teacher-esque and more motherly. Instead it came out rather forced and fake. Shelby is sure she's a better actor. But then again, you can't really act out your life.
"Uh huh." Rachel grumbled then rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She blindly reached over and grabbed the offered pajamas and then, as if she's never been asleep, hopped out of the bed and dashed towards the bathroom.
Weird. An hour ago Rachel could hardly stand, now she was bouncing with energy? Shelby shook her heard. Oh to be young again!
She quickly stripped off the wet sheets. She was in the middle of putting on the top sheet when Rachel emerged from the bathroom, not looking quite as chipper as she was minutes past.
"You feeling okay?" She put the question out there. She didn't expect a response. A direct one anyway.
"I think I'm coming down with a cold." Is that what they are calling it these days?
"Well I'm going to make a doctor's appointment for you, okay?" Shelby glanced up to gauge Rachel's response. Sooner or later Rachel would reveal her tell.
"I don't like doctors."
"Me either. But unfortunately you don't a choice."
"What? Why not?"
"'Cause you're the kid!"
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