Hi, it's AreYouHaight and LovesReading. It's been 3 weeks since I've updated my stories and I don't want to let you down neither just let you without any informations and all. So here I am with next chapter and I hope you'll enjoy this one as it's a bit emotional, I think.

Thanks for reviews, follows and favorites on the last chapter: Lulubell2495, BlazeCat221, witbeyondmeasureXOX, xPaperheartsx, fantoshiro, .s0ciopath, edelweiz. Thank you all so much, you've got a hug from me :)

And now, you shall enjoy reading ^^

WARNINGS: panick attack, some depictions of past rape

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dan nor Phil. This story is a work of fiction.

I wiped away the tears as I heard the door creak and a very smiling Phil showed up in the entrance,

"Hey Dan! How are you doing?" he was almost chirping and I felt more tears forming in my eyes.

I wasn't sure what I could tell him but I knew I couldn't tell the truth. That I felt awful and disgusted with my own self. That I couldn't stop thinking about the previous night. I didn't want to talk about anything after all. The only thing, the only wish I had was that I never existed.

Phil took a seat by the time I noticed and he leant toward me, his expression once turning to serious,

"Hey, everything is going to be okay now, Dan" he assured me but I couldn't bring myself to fight with him about this as there was another question tugging at the corners of my lips,

"Why..." I took a deep breath when my voice shook, "why do you care about me?" I really couldn't see a reason. I didn't deserve anyone's attention.

"You're my bestfriend and I wanna help you" he whispered, his face indicating that the question offended him a little.

"But why?" I was able to choke out as a few silent tears fell down my face.

So pathetic, voice at the back of my mind said. His voice.

"I am a pathetic little shit that couldn't even protect itself, I am a horrible person, I'm disgusting, Phil!" I screamed a little at the end, flailing my hands around myself.

As I did so, I immediately felt him wrap his hands around me but I didn't feel comforted by his hug. Instead, it felt as if I was suffocating in his grip, the memories all too fresh in my mind. But I wasn't even sure if they would ever get old.

After a next second I was hyperventilating and Phil was right beside me, saying some soothing words and apologizing for himself.

But I wasn't mad at him. After all, he wasn't the one who freaked out if somebody touched him. It wasn't his fault.

"Not your fault" I uttered as I tried to calm down my breathing.

I did not know how he could be talking to me. He should be disgusted, shouldn't even want to hug me but he did and that was confusing me.

"Dan, listen to me, okay?" I didn't even nod. "You're not an awful, disgusting person. You are an amazing, good, loving human" I shyly looked up at Phil and accidentally made an eye contact with him. He was staring me directly in the eyes and I lowered my head right away.

I did not believe him. It all sounded nice and like it was put straight out of some love story where a happy endings were a regular thing. But this was not a story. This was a real life and in real life, things like this didn't happen. And if they did, they were not meant honestly.

It wasn't that Phil was lying. He was just simply wrong because he didn't know the truth. He couldn't know the truth.

"Phil..." I spoke up, planning to explain him how wrong he was but in the same moment, the door opened. I tensed, dreading anyone who was it. For a moment, no one came in but then, a doctor appeared in the doorframe and a woman followed after him.

I knitted my brows. She couldn't be a nurse, nurses don't wear long coats, do they?

So who is it?

I glanced at Phil for a while, he was also looking at the newcomers but his face indicated that he knew the mysterious woman already. I did not like it. Why he didn't say anything to me?

It was hard to confess but I felt betrayed and a little left out.

"Hey, Dan. It's Mr Track" my doctor spoke as the first one, his tone friendly. "She's working for the police and came here to talk to you for a bit. Are you feeling up for it?" he asked, studying my face closely.

I glanced between him and the woman. She smiled a bit, probably to encourage me. I looked at Phil but he wasn't smiling, his expression was impossible to read. I had no idea what he was upset at but the only idea I had was that it was because of me.

"Y-yeah, I'll... try..." I said quietly, my throat still sore from the intruser.

The doctor left the room after a while and the woman spoke up,

"Good morning, Mr Howell. I'm Diane Track, FBI" she said, taking out her badge and shining it into my eyes from a safe distance. I didn't say anything but a thousands of questions were running through my head in that moment.

Why is she here?

Had they found his body?

Did I kill him?

The last one was already making me feel sick.

"I would like to ask you a few questions" she announced, taking a seat on a chair Phil was previously sitting on. "Do you want Mr Lester to leave?"

As fast as the question was brought up, I thought about it.

I really didn't want Phil to leave me with her and also, if I was most probably forced to tell right now what happened yesterday, I surely didn't want to do it twice. Maybe it would be better if Phil found out this way about how much worthless I was?

"N-no, let him stay, please"

The woman nodded,

"As you wish" she told, taking out a small notepad. "So, we've determined that you were a victim of crime, Mr Howell" she began and I glanced down, my hand slowly wandered into the direction where Phil's was laying but I didn't dare to touch him.

"Before we start, I warn you that some of the questions I'm going to ask you can make you feel very uncomfortable but it's really important that you tell us everything you remember, okay? Every detail is significant to us so, please, try to remember as much as you can" she glanced for a while at Phil pointedly, "Are you sure you don't mind the company of Mr Lester?"

"Yes" I told, this time more firmly, I was sure I wanted him here. He needed to hear this.

"Your doctor told me that the injuries you got from the occurence signify that this was specifically a rape" she went silent here and I squeezed my eyes shut, secretively wishing to never hear it from her.

She couldn't just go so straight with it, why did she just declared it like that? Throwing it at my face like I wasn't aware of this.

Because in fact, I wasn't. Somewhere deep in my mind I was living my own dreams, thoughts and facts. I was creating my own little world, far away from the real one. It was safe. And the reality was dangerous. It consisted too many hurtful memories, emotions. I wasn't safe there.

"I need you to tell me what happened during the previous night, Mr Howell" she said softly, the question hanging heavily in the air. My throat tightened a bit and I felt scared.

What if he can get me here?

But he's not around here, you probably killed him, my mind told me.

A giant guilt fell on my shoulders as I realized that I was happy about someone's else's death. I suddenly squeezed Phil's hand so tightly that I was sure he would have broken bones after I let it go.

My mouth felt dry when I started talking but swallowing did nothing than hurting my throat more,

"I was on my way back home from a cafe when those-" I took a deep breath in and out, "when I heard some footsteps. I thought it was only my imagination but then, someone started chasing me..." I paused, trying to sort out my hazy memories a bit and taking a deep breath. Phil gave me a small reassuring squeeze and I continued after a while, "I tried running but he was fast and then I tripped and hit that wall. He was beside me before I got the chance to do anything. He-" I let go of Phil's hand and wrapped my arms around me, trying to recall it but at the same time, not think about that night and what happened then.

"He laughed and I don't know why. I thought he wanted to rob me, I didn't know-" a tear rolled down my cheek. "I tried to get out of his grip but he was too strong for me!" I hugged myself tighter as I rocked back and forth. "He shut my mouth with a tape when I started screaming, I begged him to leave me, I told him I didn't want this but he didn't listen!" I swallowed nervously as the memories flooded me. "He cornered me in that alley, there was no one there, I couldn't get out" I trembled. Someone touched my hand and I backed away, almost falling off the bed, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed.

But it wasn't him. It was Phil. Phil, whose eyes were now more wide than ever, Phil who had got a trail of tears running down his face, who instantly backed away to give me some space.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, slowly realizing where I actually was, that I was no longer trapped in that alley, that I was in a hospital. I took few breaths in and out.

"Can you continue your story, Mr Howell, or do you need some time for yourself?" the officer asked me but I shook my head at her. I just wanted to have it all behind myself. I didn't want to repeat everything again.

"He-" I swallowed nervously. After I'd tell it, Phil would no longer like me. He will be surely disgusted by me but... that's what he finally should find out about, right?

"He turned me on my stomach and I still tried to fight him but he was so strong... That was when..." I paused, looking down, I felt tears in my eyes and on my face. This was so hard for me. No matter what Phil should know, I couldn't bring myself to actually tell them about what he had done to me.

"Did he commit some kind of crime on you, Mr Howell?" the officer gave me a question which I was dreading to hear from the very beginning of this talk. I looked up, this time keeping the eye contact, feeling like I needed to see the disgust on both of their faces, needed to make sure of how worthless I was.

My words were burning my tongue, as I spoke out loud what I was constantly thinking of since it happened,

"He raped me, okay?!" I screamed, the woman was keeping a straight face on, because it was her job and she couldn't show her disgust I guess. But Phil... Phil was silently crying and I was confused even more. He should be disgusted, he shouldn't be crying.

I hugged myself, just trying to feel safer but it felt like it was those arms.

You won't never run away from me! I'll find you everywhere!

His words were echoing in my mind as I could see it all in front of my eyes again. I remembered well, all to fucking well how he looked like, how he felt like, how his voice sounded like. And I wish I didn't, I wish he had killed me then. I'd be actually glad to be dead at this point. I wouldn't need to remember his touch then, his hands on my arms and thighs as he was just going to-

"Dan! Please say something!" I heard someone call and I snapped out of my daze. I felt something wet dripping down my face and I saw Phil. He was standing in front of me, his expression worried and brows knitted in concern and that was when I remembered how he stood in front of me after he finished. How he leant down, whispering into my ear, "I'll watch you bleed out slowly in front of me"

"Dan, please, just... something... to me... worried"

Something flashed before my eyes and I registered it being a hand. I quickly tried to jump away. And I screamed someone to help me. I started screaming so wildly. I didn't want to do this again, I didn't want to do it again!

The sounds were all mixing with themselves and I felt like I was on a carousel and I felt sick and- and then, I felt only a distant pinch to my arm.

And suddenly, I didn't feel his hands on me, I didn't even feel scared though I was almost sure he was somewhere here. The sounds were muffled and after a while they faded out. The swirling images in my mind stopped and the only thing I saw was something white above me.

I felt surprisingly calm and my mind was a little hazy but I liked it. It was like every concern I had, was muted out and gone. I liked that feeling.

My face was all wet with tears as Dan was talking about that night. It hurt how much he looked scared and avoided any eye contact, how he was wrapping his arms around himself tighter and tighter, just like when I found him.

I wanted to hug him but the officer Track shot me a glance right away. I know it was her job, she needed to get Dan's statement the fastest but didn't she see how much uncomfortable he was? Oh, I guess she did but it was only her job, yeah? She probably didn't care for Dan as much as I did.

When Dan confessed to rape, I nearly sighed from relief because it could only mean that this was over, that Dan could have peace. But the officer still didn't seem contented with what she heard, she kept asking next questions. I noticed then that something was not right with Dan.

He started swaying constantly and though it looked as though his gaze was connected with the officer, I bet he didn't see her at all.

"Mr Howell, can you describe your attacker?" Track politely asked, shuffling on her place a bit as Dan's firm stare must put her off her stroke.

I watched him for a while till I was completely sure something wasn't right.

"Can't you see something's wrong?" I asked the woman, accusation easily evident in my voice as I quickly crossed the space between me and Dan. I bent down to be on the same level with him and I kept repeating, hoping he would snap out of anything it was,

"Dan! Please say something!"

After a hundredth or so try, Dan moved his gaze toward me. I catched a glint of recognition in his teary eyes for a second. But then, his face turned into scared and I almost looked behind myself because it felt like he saw someone standing there. I moved a bit, trying to maybe get him to notice me here at all. Whatever it was, he needed to snap out of it.

"Dan? Dan, please, say something to me, I'm worried. Dan?" I asked gently, slowly lifting up my hand to pat him on the shoulder.

And I didn't even touch him at all, my hand stopped in mid-track in the moment Dan jumped up on the bed, screaming loudly in my direction, his words cutting my heart like little daggers,

"STOP! Stop! Help me! HELP! I don't want to do this! Not again, please!"

He started tossing all around the bed but when I stood up to calm him down somehow, his cries only increased. He moved as far on the bed as it let him and I tried once again to settle him down on my own. However, every thing I did made Dan to panick only more.

I glanced at the officer; the woman was staring at Dan, her mouth wide-opened, the sight of her obviously meaning she hadn't had to deal with this kind of stuff yet. I looked at Dan again, at a screaming and wildly jumping Dan on the bed. He was nearing more and more the edge of the bed while his whole body was trembling from fear and screams were constantly leaving his mouth.

I feared he would hurt himself so I quickly crossed the space between us and grabbed him by his arms. As soon as I did it, I knew it was only a big mistake because he started wriggling more vigorously.

"Get someone here, Track!" I screamed at the officer, forgetting a bit who I was just talking to. But I didn't really care right now. All I cared about was Dan.

The woman stood on her place for a second until she stormed out of the room. I heard a loud,

"Doctor! Help, we need some help over here!"

I turned to Dan who was on a verge of hyperventilation,

"Please, let me go now, PLEASE!" Dan was screaming and I would surely release my grip off him if not the situation.

Suddenly, a pair of nurses ran in, Track following right behind them. One of them stared at me for a while before she said,

"Try to hold him still, okay?" I only nodded, and watched as they both scattered around the room. One of them quickly walked to the door and I saw Track standing there, seriosuly both frozen in shock and panick before the door was closed, cutting off the officer from any view.

Being a bit too focused at watching them, Dan managed to get out of my grip. He started tossing around the bed, smashing the lamp with his hand on the nightstand. I jumped to him to get a hold of him again but this time he was too fast to me.

The nurse got to me and we both attempted to pin Dan down by his hands to the bed. Another nurse quickly stepped to us, a needle was in her hand and I closed my eyes for a moment as I already knew what this meant.

"We'll need to stabilize him very well for a while when Lizzie gives him an injection, okay?" the second nurse asked me and I nodded, pressing Dan's arms a bit harder to the bed. He was all wriggling underneath our hold and seemed to be in his own world but he was still screaming and his face was all red from crying,

"Please, let me go! Don't hurt me!" My eyes started welling up with tears when on sign of the nurse, I needed to get a strong hold of Dan, trying to keep him steady. It was difficult to keep myself together at his ragged breath and words,

"Let me go" he whimpered.

The nurse and I got him to stop from wriggling for a moment and she nodded at Lizzie who got closer. Just before she put the needle into Dan's arm, he whispered,

"Just kill me, please" my eyes widened and I looked at Lizzie but she was too occupied giving my friend a syringe shot to notice what Dan had just said.

Dan resisted for a while before the substance spread over his system and his limbs, legs, he himself went limp second time in last two days. Or maybe it was third time or even more? I didn't know.

We slowly put him back onto the bed so he wouldn't fall down. I sat on the chair beside my friend, my breath uneven. All I wanted to do now was to start crying. Dan looked so scared, it broke my heart.

"What just happened?" I quietly muttered under my breath more to myself than to anyone but one of the nurses heard me.

"Mr Howell most probably was experiencing the rape again, Mr Lester"

I looked up at her as earlier, my head was bowed. I knew what she meant but my mind couldn't wrap around it and understand it completely.

"You know what a PTSD is, Mr Lester?" I shook my head, having no idea what she was asking me about. Lizzie bent down to clean up the mess that was left after Dan broke the lamp and the nurse I was talking with, took a chair from the corner and sat next to me.

"When people experience or witness something very shocking, violent, some teriffying event such as a car accident, a plane crash, a natural disaster or..." she made a small pause, looking me in the eyes for a moment "a rape, they can have PTSD. PTSD is a Post Thraumatic Disorder and it's a human reaction to an abnormal situation. In Mr Howell's case it is experiencing the violence happening to him again"

I was silent for a moment, trying to take it in and understand.

"Will he ever be like this?" I finally ask, glancing at the nurse then at Dan as Lizzie was correcting the pillows under his head. When she finished, the nurse beside me must throw her a glance because Lizzie nodded and quietly left the room.

"There are various treatments, therapies and ways that can lead to recovery though it's a very slow proccess and depends on the person. However I need to remind you of that Mr Howell will never be the same as before the occurrence. This event had some impact on Mr Howell, how big we don't know but it will change him for sure"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath because I didn't want to cry. But how could I stop the tears when the only thing I hoped for; for Dan to get better, seemed impossible?

I felt a pat on my shoulder and I almost jumped up. The nurse gave me a squeeze as she handed me a tissue. I protested for a second but I couldn't find any way not to cry so I obliged and accepted her little help.

"It will be okay, Mr Lester. Your friend just needs time and care" she said softly before I heard the chair screech a bit on the floor as it was taken to its previous place. I nodded and took a little breaths in and out.

Slowly and gently, I took Dan's hand in mine only because I was sure it wouldn't scare him as he couldn't feel anything right now. He was completely unaware that I was beside him now and that made me feel sad. I wanted him to know I was there for him. That he wasn't going to go through this alone. That he had me.

"But the best treatment will do nothing if he won't have anyone supporting him" I almost gasped when I heard the nurse talking again because I thought she left the room long time ago. I wiped away my face with my hand as I glanced at her, she was standing in the half opened door, her body visible in the bright light coming from the hall as the room was now a bit dark because of the broken lamp.

"But I see that Mr Howell already has his tellurian guardian angel by his side" she said, grinning at me before she left.

For a while I kept staring at the spot where she's been standing at, my mouth opened before I turned myself to Dan. Almost lifelessly looking Dan if not for his steadily raising and falling chest.

My lips formed a little and shy smile as I thought about her words.

I squeezed Dan's hand, this time a bit stronger but still being careful to use as little power as it was possible. I leant over his fragile looking body, all covered in bruises and I placed a small kiss on top of his head.

"I will help you, Dan" I whispered as I ruffled his hair a bit, smiling as I did so. He would probably kill me for this if everything was fine. If it was fine.

"I won't leave you. I'll be your guardian angel and I'll make sure you're safe" I cooed, creating little circles on his hand. "You won't be alone. We'll get through this together. You'll be fine, Dan. You'll be fine" I promised as a few tears fell down my face.

Hi, I hope you liked it, leave a review if you wanna let me know what especially touched your heart ;)

I'm not sure when will be the new chapter of Light Up The Darkness and that is because I'm now in a very slow working proccess but I'm working on it so you don't need to be afraid. Also, if you have Tumblr, you can go stalk me there, I won't bite! ;) My nick is superasia8

I think that's all I had to say, so all is left for me to do now is wish all of you to have an amazing weekend and overall, a good life. Bye!