A/N: So it's ask about the origins of my java obsession… and then a carafe worth of inquiries on The Prosecutor's Office as the theme this week. I hope you find my answers to be stimulating as my favorite drink of choice.

Chapter Three: The Brewing

Muhammad S submitted:

Interesting. Can you tell us the tale of how you fell in love with coffee? I'm very curious to see what you have on that.

Dear Muhammad S,

Well, it started in a similar manner to many of my fellow lawyer colleagues back in their days as sleep deprived law students, as simply a way to stay awake through countless hours of tedious textbooks and studying until ungodly hours.

My ever-present cup became my official trademark crutch when I started working for Mr. Hemorrhoid - who you may also know as Marvin Grossberg. The cup came in very handy to mask my yawns and occasional derisive snorts at his mind-numbing stories reminiscing about the lemon fresh days of his youth, and the bittersweet brew helped keep my brain from fizzling whenever he would ramble on about the disturbing state of his gran culo gordo.

Amusingly enough, at one point, certain people in Japan at one point thought it would be more fitting if I were smoking cigarettes and downing whiskey instead of a cup of Joe. However, I threw hot water on those plans, as my kitten would never be able to stomach a smoker. She claimed coffee breath was bad enough to contend with – but there was no way Mia would tolerate kissing a smoker, because she claimed it would be like licking a dirty ashtray!

I believe that I chose wisely, don't you?

In short: "Coffee is the common man's gold, and like gold, it brings to every person the feeling of luxury and nobility."

Mr. Coffee

Jove's Boy submitted:

Dear Senor Armando,

What are your thoughts on individuals like Manfred von Karma, Kristoph Gavin, Aristotle Means, and others who contributed to the so-called dark age of the law?

Dear Jove's Boy,

The (Actual) Forging Dracula:

Here's a pompous windbag of a man that was so enamored with his own "perfect reputation", that it resulted in his South American sized ego to become so grossly inflated to the brink of insanity, causing him to actually commit outright

murder against the one man who dared slight him! Yes I did say outright because let's face it, God only knows how many people, some, if not most, who were innocent, he wrongfully convicted and put on death row.

But I digress.

What I find most amusing about the so-called "God of prosecution" was that his neurosis with perfection was still outshined by his inexplicable need to finish everything "in three minutes." It makes me think that perhaps this wasn't just limited to courtroom trials and with such being the case I do pity the poor woman that was his wife and the Wild Mare's mother!

Philosopher Stone

Whoever said the Defense Attorneys were good guys? What we have here is a creepier version of the aforementioned blood-sucker from the other side of the courtroom, who bore a smile that nightmares are made of.

Means saw The "Dark Age of the Law" as a "beautiful boon" to the legal profession, since it meant that his philosophy, "the ends justify the Means" had become a matter of routine, and that the top priority for lawyers should be winning trials by any means necessary.

How… unoriginal.

The statuette man clearly didn't practice what he preached, as he wasn't above giving better grades when students greased his already filthy palms. Yet to my great amusement, the statuette man fell to pieces in the most undignified manner when finally being taken to task for being low-life, dirty murderer.

I couldn't hold back my guffaws how when proven guilty of his crimes, Means still couldn't be dignified enough to accept his fate like a man. Instead, he turned into a groveling, sniveling shell of his former self, pathetically trying to barter with the court for more lenient alternatives to admitting his guilt, such as bathroom detail, retaking the bar exam, a 30% salary cut, and dismissal.

What he really deserved was lifetime of pigeon droppings as part of his sentence.

The Self-Proclaimed "Coolest Defense In The West"

The Periwinkle Pisshead is the reason I'm developing a phobia of (Creepy) German sausage – I fear the Wurst.

Yes, when not having the most epic witness stand breakdown in the whole series, Gavin is surely as cool as iced coffee… and just as lame.

His was truly the worst motive I've ever seen in my life for his hand in kicking off the Dark Age of the Law. How much more money and fame was really lost when he got fired for not playing his cards right? He obviously was wealthy enough to have a disposable $100K to pay out of pocket for a forgery.

This is what happens to man whose parents never taught him the meaning of the word "nein." I'm guessing he also grew up getting "participation trophies" his entire life. That would explain…so much.

It has never escaped my attention that The Bird Man never would've ended up on death row for a crime he never committed if this ridiculously petty, sad excuse of a man hadn't gotten Trite disbarred. The prissy nail polish enthusiast was undoubtedly the lowest snake in the grass of all, since he tried to kill a clearly autistic young girl who didn't know any better, after she had already done a paid service for him, just to cover his sorry behind.

I will give Gavin credit for one thing and one thing only… His only redeeming service to humanity was getting rid of Zak Gramarye. That lowlife never deserved a precious girl like Trucy, and considering his sole motive to come back in town was to try to screw over the man who had been nobly raising his daughter all these years, messing up his perfect poker win streak. He didn't give a damn that doing so would be leaving both Trite and his child more destitute than they already were, plus he was clearly an abusive loser, to those smaller and weaker, including women, so good riddance. I doubt anybody missed him.

I need to believe Gavin has since been killed in prison while a "Means equivalent" guard just happened to be looking the other way, and has since joined Dahlia down under (and I don't mean Australia) in the eternal barefoot dance over hot coals. I hope his pampered, pedicured feet really feel the burn, and that her bloodcurdling screams are deafening music to his ears.

Mr. Coffee

P.S.

Thanks for the nicknames, JP.

JordanPhoenix submitted:

Señor Java,
As a follow-up question to JB's ... what are your thoughts of each prosecutor's gimmicks?

Dear JP,

I'll try to make this quick and dirty, and in order of appearance:

Winston Payne – Having a voice that is the equivalence of nails on a blackboard is not a gimmick – it is a teeth-grinding assault to the ears, Rookie Killer. That is all.

Miles Edgeworth – Using basic logic and being a sharp dresser is not a gimmick. I will however, give the Demon Prosecutor partial points for being a chess master. I would love to see who would win in a match against Professor Layton.

Manfred von Karma – Bullying the judge/intimidating the defense and finger snapping is called being an irksome cabrón.

Franziska von Karma – Finally, a real, albeit kinky, gimmick. If you are bullying people with a piece of leather a gimmick – the apple didn't fall far from the tree. The Wild Mare obviously never learned that using your words can also have great impact. Needs a thesaurus. On a plus side – assuming that whip is used outside the courtroom, she could make some great side money for those who are "into that sort of thing."

Yours Truly – Coffee is not a gimmick. It is a way of life.

Klavier Gavin – Playing with air-guitar and flirting with everything possessing two legs and a heartbeat it not a gimmick. It simply slows down the court and is as nerve-grinding as your phony German accent/phrases, since we all know you're American, and an overly blingy Europhile fop at best.

Gaspen Payne – second verse same as the first, Rookie Humilator. The Lamest of the Lame.

Simon Blackquill – An actual gimmick. Multiples, even. Use of psychology to be a total mine cluster f*ck against opposition is actually quite impressive, although is somewhat cancelled out by the fact that he speaks like an old Victorian man which clashes greatly with being the world's biggest otaku with a Twisted Samurai persona. Hawks are not easy to train, so kudos for that, and somehow being allowed to keep a dangerous bird of prey in prison. I do prefer when Taka is used for good and not evil on the attack front, but I do think the use of tossing a shuriken in court is overkill – and great way to land back behind bars if his aim is ever off.

About that bird though… I wonder if he could be trained to make coffee.

Nayuta Sadmadhi – Ah, Sad Monk. When I first saw this person was, "I wonder how she keeps that ribbon afloat." Then I thought – butterflies? Again? Now, where have I seen those before? Primary gimmick – throwing beads at people. I don't even want to know where those have been – or how they kept materializing after Simon cut them to shreds. Dare I even ask what hole he's pulling them out it?

Secondary gimmick – being an unrepentant carajo under guise of being a pious monk. Aren't they supposed to be a peaceful sort? Also, he needs a thesaurus like I need my coffee.

I would have been fine with the passive aggressive nasty behavior to everyone that isn't Ema if he's actually done anything to redeem himself in any way, or had a legitimate reason for overkilling the Disney ice queen's catchphrase to the point of wanting to shove him into a putrid hellfire.

Alas, neither happened. So see diagnosis for Man Elsa above: total unrepentant carajo.

Mr. Coffee

JusticeforNoOne submitted:

Dear Mr Ace Prosecutor,

Thanks for your wise answers and letting the public know your worst experiences.
I have more questions if you don't mind:
1Disregarding the fact that Miles Edgeworth is more of a Tea connoisseur rather than enjoying el buen y amargo café, what do you think about him?
2In the possible, yet remote future where Trite goes after a good woman and he asks for advice from you, what might be more probable? Giving some good, or throwing him a mug right in the middle of the face, or maybe both?

JusticeForNoOne

Dear JusticeforNoOne,

1. Miles Edgeworth - excellent prosecutor, worthy of Chief Prosecutor title. Doesn't try to mess around with fake gimmicks, is legitimately interested only in the pursuit of the truth. Also keeps Trite on his toes and still makes him sweat after all these years in the courtroom, which is always marvelous to witness. If we had less headcases and more honest prosecutors like Edgeworth in office, The Dark Age of the Law could've probably been avoided entirely.

That man is also the reason I served a relatively short prison sentence, under the request of Trite and Maya, and was able to spend many glorious years touring the Americas in search of the perfect coffee blend thereafter.

As for his aberrant taste in hot beverages, I will to quote a certain putrid prosecutor, let it go and move on as it's par for course. The man is actually British- ish.

2. If Trite came to me for love advice – I suppose at this point I would finally address him as Phoenix – I would prepare myself with a fresh cup of coffee, and then ask him just one question:

"Is the woman you speak of my almost sister-in-law, Maya?"

Depending on his answer, he would get a reminder of what it feels like to have a hot mug to the face – at much closer proximity this time.

Alternately, the response would be to simply tell him that he's not getting any younger and it's high time to put a ring on it.

Mr. Coffee